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Oh hon I dont know what to say ! It sounds v dangerous and as he gets older it will only get worse ! You need help that is clear. What post adop support is available ? You need to shout long and loud in my opinion . Otherwise i would be looking at boarding school or a residential placement . He needs help before he does something that he has to regret for the rest of his life I am so sorry you are facing this with so little support . Really hope you get the help you need. Best wishes wizzy x

I will PM

H First get out your phone and take a dated photo of the finger marks on your neck. Record the incident, and any others that occur on a notebook or diary. Send a copy of both to iCloud so he can't grab and delete. This protects you. That is advice I was given by both SW and a doctor.It applies to any incident whether it involves physical or just verbal abuse, or violence to property. He may want to carry on as if nothing has happened, but the reality is that something did happen. He and you cannot carry on as before. His actions make that impossible. He needs help and so, more importantly do you. Regard him as Ill if you like, but it's not safe for either of you at the moment. Recording things keeps you covered if he tries to change the story, and shows the seriousness to any professionals involved in the future. Have your phone ready as an extra witness if he gets agressive again. Is there anyone you could at least phone in the circs? Secondly, you need to ensure your own safety or you can't help him. Don't hesitate to call the police if you need to. Some folks on here , who have violent adoptive kids, say they are very good. It sounds to me as if you may need to think of something residential for him. No matter how good the parenting we give, some adoptive kids just can't handle family, especially when they get near teens.you will still be his parent, just parenting from a distance. Your local post adoption support may vary, some are good, some not so, but try to alert SW to the dangers of your situation. Or the doctor or school. Whoever will listen. And look around for support wherever you can find it. We found Barnardoes support for adopters to be very helpful. My experience is limited, i hope someone with wider experience of this kind of behaviour will be along soon ( I think a lot of people are on holiday just now) Take care Pingu

Pingu is right- you need to keep evidence Personally I think you need to call the police and post adoption support to record the incident first thing tomorrow. You need support and your son needs professional help urgently. Sending you big hugs xx

How are you doing Santamonica ? Hope you managed to get some sleep. Freddie is right, you need to alert the authorities. At least doctor/SW. Your son is not safe to be around just now. He needs help that he can't unless they know. And you need some support too. Keep posting through this situation so we know you are safe. Pingu

To answer many questions. I am alright and there has been no significant outburst since. Thank you from the bottom of my heart of all your support and advice - one thing that has kept me going is knowing that I am believed and listened to. I had a visit from the local targeted family support worker today and we talked through many issues including what my AS needs and also what I need. She is going to start liaising with adoption support to see what he needs - lifestory work etc. She is also looking after me. Thanks once again - it means more than you will ever know.

That sounds really positive. Thanks for getting back and letting us know how you are. Keep in touch and dont hesitate to post when you need to. Best wishes Pingu

Thanks for the update. Really glad you are getting support. Sending love xx

Glad you are ok can so identify with you my 14 year old causes so much greif it scares me. It is goid if you can get some support as I have tried same as you he tells everyone he sees everything is fine but says he doesnt want to live here

Santamonica Pleased you have got some support. The incident must have left you traumatised. As a single parent, you will need to be protected as AS gets older. Life story work whilst good, can also trigger further behaviours. Do you have a support network of friends or family to support you. Do you have access to Adoption Support Fund as this may help with training as well on Non violence? In order to protect yourself, you could also harm AS and then and unfortunately you will be blamed as we have been in CPV situations many times and our AS has re-entered care.

Glad you are OK for now. But he's done it once, he'll do it again. I have a similar situation - I am single with an aggressive 16year old ds (and his younger sister too). He has never gone as far as your boy, but I have called the police when he was too out of control and I felt we'd gone over a line. They spoke to him, he wouldn't engage (far too shaming) but it has helped since - he now makes a real effort not to hurt me! There are a couple of things I'd suggest here: Addressing it with him: He's never going to want to talk about it - it is far too shaming. But hiding it away, or hoping it is a one-off doesn't change anything. He may swear it won't happen again, but, like many a domestic abuse situation, that's not something he can't necessarily control. Are you familiar with NVR (non-violent resistance)? One of the big parts of it is to do with getting his behaviour into the open. Having a support network (hard when friends have disappeared - use the professionals) that knows what he is doing and gives the consistent view to him that it is not OK. I've not gone done the full NVR route but I suggest it is worth exploring it and doing some basic awareness training at least. Him trying to keep his behaviour secret is very normal, but it is not OK and not safe that he can behave like this and then push it away as if it hasn't happened. There are absolutely reasons why he does this but it still is NOT OK and he needs that message consistently and calmly from more people than just you. As a start, document as others have suggested. Have a meeting/phone call with any professionals involved with your son - school, GP, PASW etc and tell them, with pics, what has been happening. I'd also suggest telling the police - call 101 and ask for the details of your local community police officer. Telling everyone gives you more control of the situation - helping you stay strong and making him (eventually) feel safe. He then needs to know you have told them all. How you do this is a difficult one - depends on him. But I would suggest a chat (in the car so not face-to-face?) that lets him know it was an unacceptable and unsafe situation so you both need help, and as a start you have involved/will be involving school/GP/police etc. I suspect he'll go into deep shame and react badly so maybe time that bit of the conversation until you can safely stop the car and get out! But please don't let his tears/pleading etc stop you telling others. If you have neighbours that you can tell then do so. But get it out into the open. The aim is not to shame into stopping, but to increase your parental presence and make him feel that you are indeed in control of the situation - I don't mean in a punitive way. But he is probably terrified himself - he has done something that has shown that you are only human and he may feel that his support is crumbling away. And also, why would you want to keep being Mum to someone as worthless and horrid as he will be believing himself to be. So after you have spoken to school/police etc then get another trusted adult (teacher who understands?) to talk to him so he knows they know. They are just telling him that they know and that the behaviour is not OK. Keeping yourself safe: Then there are the practicalities. You need to be hypervigilant to the threat of more/worse. But you can't shy away or show fear - that just further undermines his belief in you as his safe place, so making him more terrified and more likely to repeat his behaviour. You need to present as calm and in control even when inside you are not. It is little things you can do that help reduce pressure on you like always having your phone on you (to call police if needed or to use to text him), door keys in your hand/pocket (so you can get out/in and if necessary put a locked door between you). Have an area of the house you are less worried about him trashing so if it is getting heated you can lead him there (they always seem to follow when getting aggro!) and then he can smash up stuff that doesn't matter so much (utility room? his bedroom?) so you can relax from worrying so much about the house. Know how you can use a chair to keep a door handle from opening (if lever-type) and have a chair by a door to a safe space for you. Keep a spare key/tenner somewhere outside so you can get out/in, and make an escape if necessary. Ref texting him - I use social media to contact my ds when face-to-face is too stressful for either of us, or when I know he is near boiling point. But you can't live like this. I'm glad that there seems to be some support coming forwards, but whilst stuff like life story work can be beneficial in the long run, it is not going to keep you safe in the near future. Good luck and keep posting. Chooky

Hi good folks, I've only ever logged in a few times, but tonight I was going to post almost the same story as santamonica about my AS, 10. Thanks for the great advice. My AS acts like it never happened and wont talk about it, or he makes up reasons. I too always make sure I have my keys in my pocket at all times. Staying calm does help, as did a bit of an NVR course, but I don't think I'm brave enough to get to teenage years Thanks for the posts XX

Dear Yellowmonster I know that we will both make it through the teenage years - we've got this far! The struggles have been going on for a long time now, but have been getting worse. The thing that keeps me sane (well nearly!) and moving ahead, are the quiet and lovely moments that we have together - playing keepy uppy with a balloon, dancing like a fool, early morning cuddles. I have to remember that for the hard stuff there is also good. Keep in touch. Santamonica x

Dear Yellowmonster I know that we will both make it through the teenage years - we've got this far! The struggles have been going on for a long time now, but have been getting worse. The thing that keeps me sane (well nearly!) and moving ahead, are the quiet and lovely moments that we have together - playing keepy uppy with a balloon, dancing like a fool, early morning cuddles. I have to remember that for the hard stuff there is also good. Keep in touch. Santamonica x

you may want to consider also joining the Potato group (parents of traumatised adopted teens ) ---- EMAIL REDACTED ---- there are many who have experienced this and an offer support.

Would also recommend joining Potato - lots of adopters facing similar issues. I have to say that Child to Parent Violence is never acceptable - like many abusers, he is nice most of the time, but that doesn't make it OK. As a single adopter, with a child who will get significantly bigger and stronger in the next few years, you do have to prioritise keeping yourself safe.

Dear Santamonica and everyone who has replied to your original post. These posts have really touched me and reminded me that there is hope even when things are so scary and out of control. Definitely continue your photographic evidence and include video or audio if you get the chance. That has been useful with my son in the face of dissociation and denial and has sometimes led to what has felt like a genuine apology and real effort to limit damage to things rather than people. Hope your good times are out weighing the bad and that you are staying safe.

In extreme cases when you do not feel safe, please lock your bedroom door at night, you need to be safe and some of the children are developing psychiatric illness so might not have full controle over actions extreme, like damaging you while you sleep. Instal camera's and fire alarms. He's does a serious attempt to strangle, he will have very little concious. BE SAFE, KEEP SAFE. Modern technology can help you! It is all about you, only when you feel safe in your own house you can parent him through puberty, if not he has to move out. It is no longer time to hope for the best, it is time to take certain actions to guarantee safety. Than hope for the best, after you are safe.