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Hi Charlie. Vent away! You might not want to be off work, but I really think you need to take tomorrow off and get yourself off to the GP, particularly if you have menopause in the mix. But over and above that - what do you do in general for self care? How is your support network? Do you work full time and if so is there any way you can reduce your hours a bit? It's so important to have time to remind your body what relaxing feels like, or it begins to think 'fight or flight' is normal. One more thing - you don't say what makes your daughters demanding, but are they in need of extra support? is there anything which could help them function better which would in turn help you? Hxx

Hi Haven Thank you for your prompt reply. One daughter being assessed for ADH? The other is very moody and is struggling with spelling she is 9 we are going to get an educational psychologist to access her. I also look after my 82 year old mother and work part time with challenging children help!,

I go swimming and out with friends occasionally.

Hi Charlie, we have two demanding boys 9 & 11 so similar gap just a couple years further on... The boys are still very Mum centered and it can really get me down. A night out with a friend helps adjust my attitude. Do something for yourself. School was a huge anxiety trigger for the boys, especially AS1. In the past couple of years I have had them both assessed and they are now getting more help at school. This has greatly helped their anxiety levels which has helped mine too. They start wondering more about their life story. Wondering if they have any questions and answering as best you can helps relieve their tension. Take care, BdF

Hi Bdf thank you for your fast reply. I went out fri night to pictures but feel like I need a week away! Yes life story work I agree will be meeting their siblings soon for contact this happens twice a year

At 7 and 9 they will be realizing they are falling behind their peers. Ours have poor working memory and language issues. Both fairly typical issues for adopted kids. One has ADHD and meds make a huge difference. And of course contact issues make it hard in the here and now regardless of whether or not it is good in the long run. Keep plugging away. Is school on board? It helps a lot if they are. I ended up going private for assessments because I didn't want them failing for long enough to qualify for school assessments. BdF

At 7 and 9 they will be realizing they are falling behind their peers. Ours have poor working memory and language issues. Both fairly typical issues for adopted kids. One has ADHD and meds make a huge difference. And of course contact issues make it hard in the here and now regardless of whether or not it is good in the long run. Keep plugging away. Is school on board? It helps a lot if they are. I ended up going private for assessments because I didn't want them failing for long enough to qualify for school assessments. BdF

HI Charlie, the more you say about your life, the more I want you to stop working altogether! I have a similar family picture, my kids also both have issues but are a wee bit older and it makes all the difference. We've just decided that I need to work less (I was already working part time). I have no idea how that will pan out financially, but I can't do everything, I just can't. Your body is telling you the same thing. You need to be able to find down time for yourself during the day on a regular basis, not in the evening when you're already exhausted! Caring 'at both ends' for your kids and a parent is incredibly difficult, particularly with young children, never mind those who have additional needs, which I consider to be the case for all adopted children. Get yourself to the docs, get signed off and take some time to see if you can find a way to have more time for yourself. We are allowed! Meantime, have a hug (((o))) and good luck with getting your kids assessed. xxx

Thank you so much Haven. I think I have spoken to you in the past about issues and you are always very supportive just when we need it! I just feel I’m letting work down stupid I know. But as you say my body is telling me to stop. Im off with kids after this week for 2 weeks. So that’s not going to be easy. Hope you get on ok with work. Thank you so much Xxxx

Hi Has anybody had to leave work. Due to the children’s behaviour and stress overload?

Never returned to work after adoption leave. 8 years on a job outside the home just wouldn t work for our family due to our sons complex needs. I have never worked so hard in paid employment as i do now, but feel its absolutely the right thing for my son. I attend meetings/appointments regurlarly no employer would allow the amount of time of that i have needed. We do receive DLA and carers allowance which helps. Really needed the time he was in school for self care.

I reduced my hours from full to part time when we adopted then reduced even further to just one day a week when my parents' needs became more obvious, alongside our AD's. Since suffering bereavement I struggle even with the one day a week but that may improve. Once or twice a week I do a dance style class that boosts my energy, confidence and positivity. The effect lasts at least two days. I occasionally go for a 6 mile walk with a walking group which is very relaxing and connects me with others. Very part time or no work is the way to go if it is at all possible otherwise, in my opinion, you could become more ill from the strain.

I got offered early redundancy and grabbed it with both hands. Worked from home and part-time unskilled after that (at the kids primary school so still around) until I was able to claim my work pension a bit early. I needed the time at home to meet the demands of the kids and DE-stress (and get other stuff done) when they were at school. You don't need to feel guilty about letting anyone down-there are plenty of people doing social care at college who are desperate for work. Just give plenty of notice. The thing is that caring 24/7 for 2 adopted school-age children is much more stressful and demanding of time, energy and emotions, than looking after equivalent age birth children or being at work with challenging children where there is support and a going home time. Better to do one job well and hang what other people think/say, than crash and burn which helps nobody. You are doing a vital job for several precious humans who need you just now.. (My elderly father is moving in with us as soon as building work to accommodate him is finished, so I'm a squeezed middle person as well, so after much soul-searching I am giving up my beloved Scout volunteering in the summer. I worried there was nobody to take over, but now the last leader who left five years ago, is finished college and coming back to take over when I go. I think he has just been waiting his chance ! One thing I learnt from church house group was that if you are not getting "fed" then you can't feed others i.e. you need some chance to re-cooperate in order to have the strength to deal best with the demands on you. It goes with the other metaphor of "put your own oxygen mask on first, THEN you are able to help the others. best Wishes Pingu

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply. I’m having a telephone consultation with the doctor today. Feel so tearful and out of sorts menopause I think. My husband told me to take time off work but now feeling anxious and worried about that. It’s a vicious circle I know my husband and all of you are right but I don’t want to admit defeat! Trying to relax and stop worrying is hard. But Pingu you are right about the oxygen mask hard tho when you have worked all your life. Xxx

Definitely agree with taking time off work - maybe if the GP signs you off for aa week or two it would give you time to assess the situation and look at alternatives and maybe start getting some of the help you need in place.

It's not admitting defeat Taking time out to recuperate after a stressful time is being responsible, it's a positive thing. Pat yourself on the back when you manage it. And work will manage, nobody is in expendable, they would manage if you got run over by a bus !!! And remember, the family may not be paid work, but it's still jolly hard work and needs,significant input at certain times over the years, It's just that our society doesn't recognise it that way much.

Admitting defeat is just a way of thinking - try and see it differently. My husband has WAM meetings at work - 'Workload Allocation Management' where they look at what is actually manageable in a place where there is always pressure to take on more. If you were allocating a workload (including downtime for yourself) how would you do it? Also, can I just say, that my husband would much rather the doing his job than mines - working pretty much one day a week and taking care of everything else. He's under no illusion as to how tough it is! xxx :-)

Menopause is a bummer ... I’ve been on hrt for a few years now and it’s been a sanity saver so do check that out too. Taking time away for yourself is not defeatist - it’s about putting your needs first for a change. You’re important. Family life would fall apart if you weren’t there to hold it all together. Our kids are a full time job. I have three and now they’re a bit older and for the most part a bit easier however two teens and one pre teen and all the hormones ... Thankfully I have dogs who love me regardless!

Pingu and Haven thank you for your support and ideas. Donatella the doctor has suggested HRT or antidepressants will talk to him about it tomorrow it’s hard to know what to do for the best. X