Really sorry you’re going through this now. Also, sorry my post has come a bit late – took me a while to register etc so I could reply.
I separated from my partner when our daughter was five. This was mutually agreed, so I imagine easier for me than your situation.
Some things that helped:
• We made changes gradually; my partner moved out over a few weeks, and I was able to stay in our house with our daughter
• We explained the reason for our separation was that we were arguing. This was to suggest that she wasn’t responsible for the breakup (we didn’t have heated arguments in front of her)
• We agreed our daughter should live with me but stay over one night a week with her other mum
• We waited several months after the separation before approaching Post Adoption Support Services and requesting therapeutic support. We both felt going through an intrusive assessment of needs immediately after the end of our relationship would have been too much (might not apply to others of course)
• We co-operated as well as we could with the shared aim of ensuring as much stability as possible for our daughter (not easy when you’re furious or devastated inside) and met or telephoned when she wasn’t present to discuss arrangements. Co-parenting certainly is a challenge!
• We both attend meetings together at school
• I make a weekly planner making it clear which parent is taking her to or from school or activities and at what times etc • We fixed up playdates with an adopted child of a similar age whose parents separated and live apart but continue to co-parent
• Encouraged her to watch kids TV programmes with split household families e.g. Waffle the Wonder Dog, Millie in Between for older children. I think these have helped her process and understand the change
• Alternating houses for birthday celebrations and a neutral venue for Christmas Dinner (restaurant)
• Keeping in touch with extended family, including ex-partners’ relatives; contact with these uncles, aunts and cousins has given as sense of continuity
• Preparing for the transition well in advance when she’s going to the other parent’s, involving her in choosing which clothes and toys to pack, having a waving goodbye ritual and making sure she knows what time she’s coming back home to me
Some things that I’d differently with hindsight:
• Tell primary school her parents had separated earlier
• Be more upfront to our child that our relationship had ended – I tended to gloss over it as one parent moving into a new home which was probably confusing
• Ditch the huge sense of guilt that our inability to resolve our differences had caused yet another loss for a vulnerable child
• Talk more to friends and acquaintances to get support – I didn’t feel able to confide in anyone much to begin with and that didn’t help me with the protracted grief or loss of confidence
.• More predictable and reduced contact with the other parent earlier on. I’ve learnt to be firmer about not allowing spontaneous unplanned visits – it was almost daily for a while. My daughter seems happier with fewer but longer amounts of quality time, usually 24 hours at the weekend and some holidays with co-parent
• Greater acceptance that our parenting styles are very different….and that I can’t impose my rules about sweets, food, behaviour, homework, bedtime etc when Little One is with her other parent. I still struggle with this!
Four years on and there’s a lot I like about living on my own with my daughter. I’m in no hurry to start a new relationship. But the early days, with so many adjustments to make while wanting to minimise the impact on my daughter, were not easy. My very best wishes at this tough time, and as said above, to be kind to yourself. G
