Archived Forums

million and 1 questions... can I ask a couple to you knowledgeable lot?? How realistic is the new 6 month timescale? Am I kidding myself to think this is possible? How likely is a sibling group would be placed with a single person?

I’m not a single adopter but have adopted three times. The six month thing is a guide not a given. Some will be able to get you through reasonably quickly, others won’t. So many variables - depends on when courses are run, whether there are enough staff, how organised they are, how complex things are with you etc. Don’t get your hopes up. A sibling group? It happens but personally my view is one at a time is best for everyone. What are your plans post placement? How much leave will you take? What age group? Are you planning on returning to work etc etc etc. Good luck

No idea on current timescales, but six months seems very quick - we did have ours placed that quickly but it was exceptional circumstances and a shortened assessment as a result. As for a sibling group - I would advise against it (and that is from a couple who took three). With hindsight I don't think there should ever be more children than adults and many sibling groups end up causing each other harm as they relive their early trauma. There are a few singlies with more than one and an even smaller number its working well for, but for most single adopters, one child (with all the additional needs many adopted children come with) is enough. Good luck on your journey

Thank you so much for your posts 'bob' and 'donatella' very much appreciated. Am thinking an older child 4-8 yrs maybe? Def a school age child. I work for myself as in I own a company so taking time off is fairly easy for me. I have been working hard to ensure my business runs with or without me! Exciting times... but scary too! Thank you for comments re a sibling group- I guess growing up and still having that close relationship with my sibling clouds my judgement however totally understand where you are coming from re more children than adults!

Do keep researching and be open to change your current ideas.... Older children are generally higher risk and the risk of things not working out (especially in their teens) is higher - there was a research report published by Julie Selwyn in 2014 that looks at this - it was on the old AUK website - not checked if its still on this new one - I hope so. Saying that there are no guarantees with any adoptee - most will have attachment issues, a poor genetic heritage and many will have been exposed to substances in utero that will affect them, but older children will also have the impact of early neglect and trauma. ETA: Here's the link to the Selwyn report https://www.adoptionuk.org/beyond-the-adoption-order-challenges

My assessment was completed within six months - it should be provided your not recommended to make any major changes, go for counseling, delays in medical etc. But I think a lot depends on the LA and social worker - also I know of people who once the deadline has been missed (i.e. 2 months for stage one) the SWs not being in any hurry then because they've missed their target. But hopefully that won't happen. I was interested in siblings but my SW advised quite strongly against it - and I can see why. Having one child was so much hard work I couldn't imagine two at once as a single adopter. However, I definitely plan to adopt again in a couple of years - so I do plan to have more than one child eventually. But one at a time makes it more manageable. I also have close relationships with my siblings. I have heard of single adopters who have adopted siblings together so it does happen. Good luck on your journey :-)

Hi I'm a single adopter, one child. He was not quite 8 when he arrived home and is now a strappimg nearly 14 year old. Its hard work being an adopter, even harder if you are single. If you are going to consider siblings you need to consider cold, hard finances. Can you really afford two? Even a school age child can incur child care costs. Pre school child care is hideously expensive - X 2 Then you have all the day to day costs x 2 Does your business generate enough income to support you all. At 14 my son costs the same as an adult, he is in adult clothes, eats like two horses, £5 child meal deals are a thing of the past. Practicalities of managing the needs of more than one child, appointments at school, with therapists etc. 13 weeks school holidays to manage, plus teacher training days, random snow days. Don't expect it to be anything like your sibling relationships. You should research trauma bonds Your business may enable you to manage some of the pratical stuff more easily than most. However, for me personally its not the practical things that cause me the most angst. Its the emotional load, the weight of responsiblity to get things right for him. However good your support network is, literally at the end of the day its you and them. Which can be emotionally exhausting. My son is doing really well, he does have ASD and a learning difficulty, but I don't have any emotional room to spare for a second child. Maybe if I didnt have to work, but juggling both work and parenting is hard - and I work part time. Adoption can be a wonderful thing, it can also be very dire and desparate. Some people will say to you don't adopt siblings, others that you should avoid older children, because it didn't work out for them, that's their experience. An older child has worked out very well for me, two of him would have tipped me over the edge. I know a number of single adopters with two children, (even some with three ). Some of the siblings get on, others don't. As adopters we all have our personal strengths and weaknesses. My best advice would be to do your research, and be very very honest with yourself about what you can and can't do, to be fair to yourself and your future child/children good luck !

Exciting times ahead for you. Single adopter here and yes the 6 month timescale was about right for me. I think there is less complexity with single adopters getting approved as opposed to couples where their relationship is examined so perhaps it's a bit quicker for us singletons. I was approved for 2 children but adopted one (thank goodness as I don't think I could have parented two traumatised children at once, as a new novice parent). I have recently adopted a second time so having 2 children is possible but my experience makes me feel that adopting one at a time is a better option. Good luck

Thank you so much everyone for you replies. Am looking forward to 'chatting ' with you all more as the questions grow!! X

Try not to think of it in terms of timescales - but rather a process - it is a learning process for you and all the decisions you will need to make will come up as you go along as things to consider and research - so things like number and age of children and the issues this might bring up - all the time it is useful to keep asking questions here to as you consider each individual issue and you will find lots of information and experience and often contrasting views - but it all helps to build a picture

Hope your meeting went well. I'm a single adopter who adopted siblings, and there are plenty of others around. If you dig back down through the archives on the single adopters pages there is lots of interesting discussion around pros and cons.

Thank you..... first meeting went really well...she answered all my many questions and was very patience with me.... (when I got my massive list out!!) am excitedly waiting for my home visit now :)

Good luck with all you are going through there are some really wise words in this forum and the reality is that everybody has similar and very different experiences both as all the children are so unique and the adopters are too. I adopted a 6 yr old because I am single and knew that I would need to go to work, so a school aged child had loads of advantages and in addition when they are over 3/4 their chances of being adopted reduce dramatically so I wanted to give a chance to a child that may have less of one otherwise. My child was also of Jamaican decent and I am white British, funnily enough the challenge there was his social worker didn't approve, anyway that battle was won nearly 7 years ago now and he is a fantastic 13 year old. I do agree with those who say 1 at a time. I had a strong desire to eventually adopt 2 and actually my son needed so much support that I decided that splitting me down the middle would probably damage our relationship too much and leave him unsupported at times when he most needed it. I have occasional twinges of doubt as I know my son would love a sibling but overall I think we made the right decision. I too am self employed, so leave was self funded, I took 2 yrs off to settle my son in and that was invaluable. We are now going through all the teenage challenges and identity issues that come at this age, so it never really lets up. That said we have a wonderful trusting relationship that I believe is enhanced by there just being the two of us. Have a wonderful journey with your new forever child. Beware of the insanity that will kick in when you are matched and this vulnerable child suddenly moves in. Successful career women become wrecks too, that time was so bizarre and exhausting on a level you will never have experienced before in your life. You are about to start having the time of your life, you just may not recognise it for a while :-) Wish there were more of you out there.

Arrr thank you Nicola for your kind and wise words. X x

Hi Katie, I've made the decision to adopt and am 39 and doing this alone too ... it's time! I'm just getting started - I haven't organised any meetings with any agencies yet, but want to soon - and would love to hear how you're getting on.

Hi skyoffire! I am just waiting for my end of stage 1 visit... it's on Thursday next week! It will of been 6 weeks since starting stage 1. This part has been really straightforward for me. Lots and lots of forms to complete and return... 3 references to get...a doctor's medical to get.... 3 days of training and that's it! They do like you to do some reading/ research... I'd recommend the book... the unofficial guide to adoptive parenting.. really easy to read but full of good info. Reading these forums has been helpful... I also joined mumsnet adoption forum. More than happy to answer any questions... pm me if you'd prefer. I have found chatting to others / making friends both online and in real life who are going through the same so helpful. Lots of luck!! K x

Thank you so much for your message - I've ordered the book you recommended, and I've been scouring the internet as much as possible. These boards are amazing (and I didn't know Mumsnet had an adoption forum!). Adoption is something I've always thought I wanted to do, but making the decision to start the process is probably the most daunting bit for me. I'm following my heart and jumping into the unknown, which could change my life forever, if it all goes well. I think the first stage will be straightforward for me too ... I'm pleased it has been for you. And good luck for your visit next week. Six weeks sounds quite quick! I hope you share your progress and news, and I'm looking forward to hearing about it. I'm not telling many people about this yet (for the same reason I suppose people don't tell if they're trying for a baby, or waiting for their 3 month scan) - talking to people online will be invaluable to me. I don't know anyone in real life who's adopted (yet!!) so it's very new! Thanks again - keep in touch! x

Ive pm you skyoffire. X

Also a fellow single adopter, have panel in five weeks, which is definitely within the six months timescale target. Initially I was quite keen on a sibling group, but after going through the training etc, I'm definitely thinking that one will be more than enough, at least initially!