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Its a toughie…. Its easy to say, but so hard to do, but learning to really trust that God has it in his hands and asking for his strength to get through. I found "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young a real help - its a daily devotional that she wrote after going through some really tough times and it helps you to focus on God even in the storms. For me, the storms have strengthened my faith...but its been a tough ride. On a practical level - think about how else can you look after you - Counselling? Time off? Chat with friends? ((hugs)) PS Don't pray to God for help because you can't do it anymore....I did....he answered but not how I wanted/hoped! PPS From my experience, I think there is a higher percentage of adopters who are Christians than amongst the general population. There are certainly others on here, hopefully they will be along soon

Thank you for your encouragement Bop. I am pleased to say last night was my first night for a while that I had a full night's sleep. DS is struggling to go out even on short journeys at the moment. Today's suggestion resulted in a panic attack, but pleased to say by the end of the day, he got out his crayons and asked me to draw something for him to colour in.

Yes another christian adoptor here. I have never once doubted that God had called us to adopt but the journey has been v hard nontheless ( as it is for all adoptors of course). The things that have helped me are 1 . Really learn to live day to day. I thought i already was but now i truly just tackle the day i am on. I dont dwell on the future in terms of expectations just go with it as it comes . Not easy for a control freak ! You have enough strength to survive today right ? Well that is enough because tomorrow you will have enough for that day as well ( manna in the wilderness, give us this day our daily bread etc these are not just about Gods provision of food . His mercies are new every morning etc etc ). 2 Find fellow christians in same position . I know several christian adoptors / fc . We support each other. Can church offer practical support ? 3 Find time for you. Send him up to bedroom in evening a little bit earlier to read , playstation etc if you need more time . Go out an odd eve if you have someone to leave him with . Prioritise relationship time if married also as easy to lose touch with each other in the madness 4 I find UCB radio on in the background keeps me bouyed up. It can be incredibly hard with lack of sleep and relentless demands but hang in there . Keep in touch if you want . You can pm me if i can fathom out how to use It ! Best wishes Wizzy x

Thanks WizzyWoo. Number 1 is certainly something I need reminding of. I can be positive in looking back at the fact that we had one or two good days, but when I don't get straight to sleep tend to ponder on issues. I will try to remember to think instead to the new day ahead. On that note I think those who have read, supported and replied have helped as I have had two good nights, so thanks to you all. I do have Christian friends with similar problems so they get the problems, some a lot worse than ours, but they are probably better at not dwelling on things. In relation to 3 & 4 you've given me an idea, I can go and listen to UCB whilst the many World Cup matches are being watched.

Another Christian adopter here, I try to give myself ten minutes a day just to be me, 1) i use an app on my phone called pray as you go, lovely calming music prayers and thought for the day it helps me to calm down when things get stressful. 2) our church also has a few families with children that have additional needs, ours is the only adopted child but not the only child with added value as we call them. As women we meet up at least once a month sometimes more often for tea/coffee, cake and a bible study prayer meeting general support and moan. Many a time I’ve walked in feeling like I can’t pick AD up from school because I am feeling like I might just commit murder, after a chat getting it off My chest I feel better. Are their others in your church with children with additional needs that you can get together with. 3) will add you to my prayers for support and care.

Have a look to see if you have a local Home for Good group in your area. https://www.homeforgood.org.uk/ If you have not heard of them they are a Christian group that support Christian adopters and foster carers and also promote and champion adoption and foster care. They have local support groups and champions. If there is not a local group they can put you in touch with a champion. Often having someone who just gets it to talk to in person or by phone is helpful.

Thanks for more suggestions. We do have others with similar needs/ adopted and all the children are older or grown up. I am fortunate that we can talk after church over coffee when there is an opportunity and pray for each other and the others have more issues to deal with than us. The problem is often finding time to talk. For me my problem is often unwinding, especially after a busy day at work and frustration with school thinking problems are recent, even though I keep telling them we see the result at home. Sometimes it is good to know there are many others who have similar problems. DS has gone to scouts and Dads were invited so I am going to put some music on and have a bit of me time.

Hello, we are a faith family too. I think therapeutic reparenting is very hard to do and puts extra pressure on because you’re trying to be one step ahead, intuitive etc. Further, traumatised children leak and as good empathic parents we pick up this stress and start to own it ourselves. This is secondary trauma. I’ve had it, mr pt has had it. It might not be avoidable but it is recoverable. Get to the dr and get a bit of help. In the end mr pt and I saw a psychotherapist, paid for by ASF. She helped us both enormously and I was wary at the start as she wasn’t a Christian and I needed her to understand our position of faith. She actually did fine with it. Re talking at church I’ve found that harder as mine got older as their stealing and lying became globally less palatable... I’ve found the hidden Facebook groups much handier support wise, mostly thePOTATOgroup

Thank you Pear Tree, I agree that a lot of the stress is due to having to be a step ahead all the time and I often see when DS is most stressed, my stress can be similar to his. DH and I will sometimes comment that we are confused, It can help me understand what DS goes through but then makes it harder to be therapeutic. Sometimes as a Christian it can be easy to be hard on yourself, especially when you have little energy left. It is helpful that people have used counselling/psychotherapy, as that is something I have been a little wary of. It is also helpful to know that it could be possible to get financial help with it

Hi Bluemetro I agree with the 'one day at a time' principle. Each day has enough evil of its own. In the past I would have been wary about going to a secular counsellor but nowadays I have less of a problem with it. Recently my birth daughter had several sessions of CBT (she had a baby last September and there was a lot of anxiety before the birth and after the baby was born). She found that the counsellor was very respectful of her Christian faith, even asking 'Is there a quote from the Bible you could write down to read when you feel anxious?' My DD and I have observed that a lot of 'techniques' that work are actually consistent with biblical principles/commandments. God thought of them first! Also years ago I was opposed to taking anti-depressants. I didn't have a problem with other people taking them but I myself said I would never take them. I felt that I should be able to get everything I needed from God. Well, 6 months after our son was placed with us I reached a very low place. There were other things going on as well as Dash 'landing'(!) and his BM opposing the adoption order (well requested leave to appeal) and that was a final straw of sorts after an approval process that took an extremely long time, bereavements, 2 house moves and leaving a church. Anyway I went to GP and she was brilliant. She didn't prescribe anti depressants at that appt but said come back and see me next week. I have been on citalopram for more than 8 years now. A very low dose now but I don't feel to come off them. I think it may have been Pear Tree that once posted that citalopram is particularly helpful for secondary trauma. I think menopause may have also been a factor. Anyway I felt that God showed me I had been very proud. I had thought 'anti-depressants are fine for other people but I myself am too spiritual to take them' Obviously not consciously but that was the underlying thinking. Frankly I wished I had taken them years ago when I had episodes of depression. My family would not have suffered as they did. But then maybe we would never have passed the approval process. Ironic! All this is to say I recommend secular help. Having said that I am hoping to go to a 'healing retreat' with Ellel Ministries. They have several centres around the country. They are free and midweek. http://ellel.org/uk/ministry/healing-retreat You mention that you work. How easy would it be to work fewer hours/give up work/take some time off? Another practical suggestion is that for a while I consciously withdrew from adoption related things. I didn't jump at the chance to go on adoption courses as I once had. I didn't read books about adoption or parenting children with special needs. I hardly posted on the boards. I thought 'living it is enough' :-) This was also in part because we have a birth daughter who has struggled with adoption. It seemed to me that as well as living with her brother and being concerned on our account because of his behaviour, she also saw us (me in particular) spending a lot of my free time on adoption. I wanted to be the best Mum I could to my child (don't we all!) but somehow I did better when I wasn't giving it my all, if that makes sense. Life felt a bit more normal (although our normal is far from normal!!) Lastly I have found that I let myself off when I fail much more easily than I used to. My DH is very good at teaching me that. We have a LOT on our plates (with BCs as well as AC) so I put almost no pressure on myself. If I fail at something I fail. The world is not going to stop spinning. I don't have a job so all my failures are domestic or things I forget to do or have no energy to do (I have days when I seem to achieve almost nothing. But there's always tomorrow) Sometimes I say to DH that I just went splat today and he says, 'You needed the rest'. Its not as chaotic as it sounds.God reminds me about some things that really matter (either I remember or someone, usually DH, reminds me). A friend suggested that we pray together every 2 weeks or so and that has been wonderful. Ask God to act on your behalf and show you specifics in the day to day stuff. He is very practical isn't He? Hope I haven't gone on too long!!

Thank you Larsti. some useful things to think about. We are waiting for some assessments which have been a battle convincing professionals, so a lot of our time is taken up keeping notes. Hopefully we will get some positive news soon on appointments and be able to spend time thinking of us. Currently I am the only one working with one day off, so cannot change that although I don't have so much to do at home. Sometimes work and walking there feels like a break. I think what you say is so important about resting and not feeling guilty when we have no energy. A friend of mine said once regarding what we do for others, that sometimes what we do is a calling, especially when we have nothing left for anything else.

Hi Bluemetro Sounds like things will ease up a bit for you after these assessments are done. All the paperwork and meetings are very wearing I find. Work sounds like a break for you as you say. And good you don't have to come home and start on the housework ;-) Yes I agree I feel my 'ministry' (not a word I like really, calling is a better one) is just living the life I have and doing what comes up. Mostly my own family but not always. I am not so quick to volunteer for things as I used to be. I think home education taught me that. I literally did not have time to take on anything much. It helps that our church is very small. Not busy with lots of activities.

Thanks. I am sure that many adopters will identify with what you have said. A couple of suggestions. (Apologies if you have thought of them already or if others have already suggested them.) Do you have a prayer partner? Personally, I would suggest a fellow Christian who will not divulge information given in confidence. You may like to think about having someone who is not from your own church. I say this because if you share something intimate with your prayer partner you may not want to see her on Sunday morning. You may need to be quite determined in defending your time with your prayer partner i.e. Treat it as being as important as buying the food, paying the bills or anything else. Some of us get out our stress by telling other people about the demands of adoptive parenting and the needs of adopted children. It is important to be polite, but tell it as it is. When I say 'people' I mean anyone who will listen - teachers, social workers, GP practice staff, pastors, other church members, neighbours, politicians (at any level of government), journalists etc. To start your discussion you may like to use a booklet or handout. One that I would suggest is, Help! I Need to Know About the Problems of Adoption. It is written by a Christian adopter in the UK. It is brief but very realistic. https://www.eden.co.uk/shop/help-i-need-to-know-about-the-problems-of-adoption-4519817.html May God bless and keep you.