Edited 17/02/2021
"Does his dad have a beard?" How to deal with assumptions about a dad?
Yomi
July 27, 2018 22:56
I'm a female single adopter to a 17 month old boy. I wondered how other single adopters deal with questions from strangers assuming their child has a dad around/assumptions about their dad? So far I've had a shop assistant ask if my son's dad has a beard (after my son grabbed the poor man's beard!), I've had the guy who came to fit a smart meter say to my son (in response to noticing all the safety locks I have on EVERYTHING) "I bet it's your dad you take after", and I've had the Sainsburys delivery guy assuming the sensory busy board I made him was made by his dad (all my own work). Sexism aside, I haven't known how to respond. The poor shop assistant happened to make his comment a couple of weeks after my son came to live with me so the adoption was all a bit fresh and he got a long winded waffly explanation "He doesn't have a dad, er I mean he does have a dad of course, but he's adopted, just by me... etc etc". With the others I just ignored the comments which is fine until my son starts understanding the conversations - I'm proud to be an adoptive parent and very open about it, I'm hoping he will want to be open and proud about being adopted, and I'm completely comfortable with my single status. I feel like by just ignoring these comments will give the signal that either adoption or being a single parent is something to hide or be embarrassed about. But I can't think of the right response to strangers who don't need to know our whole life story. "He hasn't got a dad" isn't true and disregards his birth father's role. "We don't know his dad" or "his dad's not around" without going into the adoption seems like it would just raise lots of questions. "It's just us" suggests we've been abandoned. Any suggestions? Or have people found it's not really an issue?
Serrakunda
July 28, 2018 00:31
I can't say I've really had a problem I'd have just said that I made the board or put the locks on or whatever. On the very rare occasions it crops up I just say its just the two of us, I don't see why it would suggest you've been abandoned. Or you could say its just us two we're an adoptive family
Edited 17/02/2021
Elma
July 28, 2018 09:42
Hello, I read on these boards some advice to just answer the question asked , there is no need to go into long explanations - although I remember when my son was placed that I felt the need to/ thought that was what being asked when it wasnât . Think your wise to prepare/ think about your script , as itâs helpful when your asked intrusive questions when you are not expecting it...
Edited 17/02/2021
Donatella
July 28, 2018 10:10
I think itâs harder when youâre a new parent to deal with this because youâre new at it and maybe donât yet feel youâre a real mum! But in reality mums/dads - single or otherwise - are often alone with their kids so not that much different. I canât say Iâve come across this much in 17 years of parenting but Iâd just tend to smile and ignore. Ultimate none of their business if youâre single, have a partner - and whoâs to say your partner wouldnât be same gender anyway! Smile and only tell what you feel they need to know and if thatâs nothing, tell them nothing!
Edited 17/02/2021
Heavensent
July 28, 2018 13:28
I usually respond with "She doesn't have a Dad" and leave it at that. One person followed it up with "well she must have one, we all do, don't we?" and I (rather meanly) just said nothing. They squirmed and suggested that perhaps they were being rather nosey. I have learnt to be fairly thick skinned, and don't feel the need to justify myself, but I wondered how a more sensitive person might feel and hope that they will think before they ask questions like this again!
Edited 17/02/2021
Yomi
July 28, 2018 23:30
Thanks for the responses - it sounds like I might be envisaging an issue that isn't really a big one! I think you're right Elma that for me it's useful to think about/prepare the script otherwise my tendency is probably to over explain when it's really not needed. I like the simple "It's the two of us, we're an adoptive family". Thanks people.
Edited 17/02/2021
magic1
July 29, 2018 00:09
I just say to people who ask about my son's dad "its just the two of us" - there are plenty of families where a dad isn't in the picture so it really doesn't raise many more questions.
Edited 17/02/2021
Milly
July 29, 2018 11:55
I think youâll get over the sensitivity. Iâm not a single parent but have experienced awkward situations related to adoption. Often I just smile or laugh in a non committal way if I donât know what to say - or change the subject. People donât then insist I answer! I do this in any situation. I expect you do similar too in situations that youâre comfortable in. But a few prepared phrases can be useful in case you get a direct question. Itâs rude really to refer to family members without knowing the full picture - most people wonât be intentionally rude or nosy but if they are, they donât deserve a response you donât want to give. If pushed you could always say something along the lines of âIâd rather not say.â
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Serrakunda
July 29, 2018 20:22
I think' I'd rather not say ' is more likely to imply that there is something to be hidden. Single parent families arent exactly uncommon these days, saying its just the two of us says what it is but dosent give anything away
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safia
July 29, 2018 21:26
About the beard you could just say âI donât know why he likes beardsâ with amusement - because thatâs what they were actually asking - about the woodwork I would just say you made it - with mock surprise - and about asking if he takes after his dad you could just say âmaybeâ - you can be quite non committal - you donât have to actually tell them anything - just react to the question / what theyâre actually asking - with humour if possible
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Pear Tree
July 30, 2018 01:08
I spent time with my AC when they were young on my own. I had questions from the kids themselves because they felt a family should have had a mum & Dad. I explained that I was mum and Dad for now and then listed all the men they knew and saw often like my own Dad, my friends etc. As for others, they were just curious how Iâd suddenly become a mum with no Dad. I think I said something like âlife doesnât always turn out how you think it will, it just me and the kids, we are doing ok.â
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5013R
August 10, 2018 13:23
Just wanted to comment, I haven't adopted (yet!), however my son's father is not around and hasn't been for a long time. Whatever is happening now, I hope in the future you will be as proud as I am of how he handles these situations himself at six years old. Our new neighbour said to my son, "Can you go and get your dad?" and my son said bold as brass, "I don't have a dad, I only have a mum. And she's busy working." and he carried on with what he was doing. I was sat just inside the patio door listening to him aweing over his acceptance of our reality. I never did find out what the neighbour wanted but I'm sure it was something manly that I couldn't possibly have accommodated... lol. Also, an Electrician was visiting and he made a similarly typical reference that my son should ask 'his dad' about something and my son was his matter of fact self that he doesn't have a dad, but mum would know. (I didn't know, but never mind.) This is all very fluid and his feelings will grow and change over the years but where I had all the fears about these interactions and how he would feel about the assumption that he has two parents, he now handles them himself and is just, not, bothered. I hope the same for you x
Edited 17/02/2021
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