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You can always conntact the SWs manager, or look to another Agency.Can I ask, how old is your BD? Although Adopters, especially those with BC will no doubt disagree with me, from my experience as a FC moving children on to Adopters with BC, it can be VERY tricky. Unfortunately I have seen a placement fail because of the parent/BC relationship, and their inability to 'absorb' the LO into their life----AND they had obviously been through assessment and panel. They were perfectly pleasant people, but in hindsight, just not ready to adopt at that time. Perhaps that is where you are perceived to be? Do ask for clarification.

Thanks for your reply much appreciated. We are waiting to hear from the SWs manager. We feel that things we have said to the SW about our daughter and reports from her school have been taken out of context. When the SW told us today why we weren't suitable to adopt it was as if she was talking about someone else and I think we've been so misjudged as parents. Our daughter is as well behaved as any 6 year old (and that's not just me being superdefensive Mum) but the SW seem to think she is allowed to do what she wants and it really is not true at all. We really are in the middle ground with parenting and how strict we are. The SW today seemed to contradict herself a lot today and just not listen to what we had to say as she had already formed an opinion and that was that. Which to be honest has been a trait of hers from the beginning.I think when she has observed us with our daughter she has seen things from another prospective as she lacks experience assessing 'normal family life and kids'. What do you think?

Hi there,I am sorry this has happened, you must be very upset My bc were 6 and 7 when our daughter was placed, so similar age to your daughter. The bit about school reports struck me- have the school said something you don't agree with? Could they have said something about how your daughter relates to other children?I know that it was considered a plus that our bc were already used to having a sibling- I do believe the adoption process would be much harder for an only child- is there any way you can evidence that your daughter would cope better than they think?Did they give you examples of how you "let your daughter do whatever she wants"?I really feel for you, it is very hard to hear someone be so negative about your child and your parenting xx

hi theresuch a horrible shock to hear someone else, a relative stranger, pull your future out from underneath you. The power these people have is scarey but I genuinely think they think they have the best intersts of the children in mind. But of course this isnt necessarily the end of the road for you as this is the view of this SW or of this LA/VA. We were rejected at first appointment with one agency because we had a birthchild, but we now have our gorgeous daughter here by going elsewhere.I cant say I neceesary agree with you that they are inexperienced with assessing adopters with BC rather than those without but we were hugely disadvantaged having 1 BC in that once approved we were passed over for many many links for this reason alone - I do also agree with above that it is often much harder to accept an AC when you have raised a BC. I would have refuted that to my death before my daughter came home but there I was, living it. We arrogantly felt we were ahead of the parenting game with our experience of our child and many other children around us, but boy were we wrong. You cant help but measure up your AC with your BC and no amount of "well another child of yours could have worked out like that" helps. Our attitudes towards our birth children in small subtle ways, our body language etc can over time built up a strong picture of potential difficulties in bringing in an AC, you cannot actually prepare for it, there is no comparison in normal life but you have to have the framework to be able to adjust and succeed - I am not saying this is right or wrong, but its easily done I think.Fact is we often are more disadvantaged having BC in the adopting process so we have to work doubly hard to demonstrate that our parenting and other experience has given us strengths in taking in a stranger who you may not like at all at times.Its very tough, I truly feel for you and I may be well off the mark here with not having the details for the rejection - sorry if I am, but you can try asking SW manager to re-evaluate or re-interview, you can start over with another authority, but I would say whether you agree with the SW or not, to put you in the best position next time, take time to seriously think about the reasons they gave and see if you can reposition yourselves and your family. Its not lying, or twisting facts, but as you say they have taken things out of context so next time show things in a way that cant be taken out of context. Its like the biggest job interview of your life you only get a short time to lay out your table. It could also be that what you are offering they simply dont want right now :-(.Good luckxx

We have been in same situation.....have pm'd you.

You can turn it around. It took along time, but we now know you need to choose your agency carefully. I would recommend a VA.Our little one has been with us 18 months. Our first agency said our BC was :1. Trying to sabotage our attempt to adopt.2. Would never adjust to a new sibling.3. Didn't want a siblingAnd that we:4. Wouldn't be able to adapt our parenting technique to be able to parent an adopted child.18 months later we can clearly SHOW not only does our daughter adore her Adopted sibling, they adore them back. Our AC is happy, doing well in school, very popular and they abide by our rules well.HAPPY TIMES Our VA disagreed with our LA so did 3 Panels (including the IRM) but SS was a closed shop!

Haven't had time to read all the replies, but just my personal opinion is that I wouldn't 'push it'. I would accept their judgement.It warms the cockles of my heart to hear that a SW is putting the breaks on an adoption because I think (know) that birth children can suffer terribly.We have no regrets and our youngest BC is benefitting from the experience of having an adopted brother. She is VERY good with him and only this week told me that she understood him in a new way. This is because she is maturing (aged 13 now, 9 at placment of 4 1/2 year old brother). But she has found it hard.We let her talk and she writes (wrote a poem recently at my suggestion, which was very moving).If you are able to go ahead with another agency, I would advise a big gap between BC and AC (this has been said many times on the boards by various adopters) and also the right match is crucial.All the best to you and your family.Larsti x

Thankyou for all your replies. It has been a very confusing time for us and I still feel quite shocked by it all. I never anticipated such negativity from social services if you have a BC.I am worried about my BC being under so much scrutiny and being 'labelled' as a certain child even though she is a 'normal' 6 year old little girl.I never anticipated so much negativity towards us a parents as we feel we've done an amazing job up until now. Surely we should be being supported and helped to be adoptive parents and this would include building on not destroying our confidence, as you need that to be a good parent to any child.It's such a shame that decisions seemed to be made on a whim by social services and judgement seems to vary depending on the SW. It's not a fair system.(Sorry about the rant!!) We could battle on with this, but at the end of it there will be no guarantee that we will even go to panel or be approved. So for us I think this is it, the end of the road. Once we're over the upset, it will be time, at long last just to enjoy what we have...

How very sad Gerrard. We were in your situation, and the approach was oh so different with a fabulous VA. It is an outrage, but I understand our decision. Have you spoken to Adoption Uk, they were hugely supportive and helpful.Don't beat yourself up, despite what others have said, SS get it wrong sometimes, respect your decision. We very happy we continued, but it wasn't easy but eventually we were chosen BECAUSE WE HAD A BD. Did you get my pm?

..and I think you are very,very wise.those of us with bc and ac could always justify the good parts, the benefits,the loving relationships between the siblings, the things that 'work'...but as you have already experienced, the lovely 'normal' little girl you have, has already been picked over,negatively challenged and questioned and in truth..that CAN be a foretaste of the difference between ac and bc within your family.With respect to those who have young children who are thriving in ac/bc mix....your children, as you know, are a lifelong committment and whilst there may be some challenges in the early years...when puberty or reactive behaviors hit your family life, the outcome can be truly devestating...for everyone...little people are managable in a way that older children are not.yes, its true, problems can hit families of all types at any time, but you ARE highering the stakes of potential extreme difficulties, and you will live with the consequences of what you have brought into your birth childrens lives...by choice, as well as perhaps seeing the proof before your very eyes..that your adopted child would have coped better in a family without birth children in it, with all the dynamics and 'normal family life' that brings.You can never know what is on the cards for your birth child either in respect to their own life challenges.I think, as birth parents, we do allow ourselves the luxury of assuming we 'know' our children inside and out...we can be wrong about that. Only time will tell.Of course...there are bc/ac families that do well functioning into adulthood, I would never deny that.But experience and time have shown me they are in the minority in the system we have of adoption from LA care, at some point, there will have been huge emotional, mental and/or physical health cost to the family/parents.Adopted children have so much to cope with, so many needs to address, so much energy needed to try and give them the back and 'fill in' the losses they have suffered....I can't begin to explain how just loving them with all your heart...is just not enough...but..It is horrible that strangers can make decisions about your family life which appear unfair...but they haven't really done that..they have made decisions about a future, possible addition to your family...an 'unknown' entity to you..another person...you still have all the freedoms to pursue a wonderful family life with your gorgeous little girl..the three of you. I am sorry about your experiences though...I think your treatment has been shabby, to find out, in that way, at panel....Enjoy your little one, and if 'adoption' is still a niggle in the back of your mind that won't go away, you will have opportunities to explore it again,maybe when your daughter is older and some time has passed.Best of luck.

Can i ask op have you actually seen the full report from the school or did sw qoute parts of it to you of give you a summery ?If i were you i would ask for for a breakdown in writing of excatly they feel the issue is And then take stock then go to a diffrent VA i would put money on you currently being with a LA

Just hot my oh to have a look at your post and he rather thinks that possibly that your childs school may have given you a negative refrance Also sadly you wont be privy to the interview the sw had with your daughter Have you had poor relations with the school?

I was so sorry to read this! We've just been put off applying to our LA after the information evening recently - the SWs there noticeably went cold and negative on us when they realised we had a BC, and I got the distinct impression that they thought we were just playing at it. Just because we have a BC we got put in the category of "had it too easy, has no idea about difficult children and couldn't possibly learn": I came away feeling utterly patronised and insulted, so I can fully appreciate your frustration and anger. I do hope you get the answers you need and that you will apply again with a different agency. Good luck, and I'll look forward to hearing how you get on in future.

You can appeal to the IRM. You can get details from their website.