Birth mum has written a letter to our son via letterbox contact every year. I had a call about a year ago to ask if we would consider adopting the latest new sibling. In the conversation, the social worker said birth mum wasn't doing well with her behaviour. She also pointed out that she had not been telling the truth in the letters. Today I found out she has been involved in something unforgivable and is going to prison. There is a string of offences. I want to destroy or lock away all the letters. She is very close to us geographically and I know our son will try to locate her when he is 18. The whole birth family is involved in crime and I am seriously concerned this will influence him. He has ADHD and does not make good choices. My first step will be to ring social services and ask if they will tell him about the letterbox contact when he is 18?
Time to destroy letters?
Hi,
no social services won’t be ringing him but he will find out. Some one will say about access to records and he will find them. You need to keep them because perhaps there was purpose in her lying. Maybe she wanted him to think well of her. Perhaps it was about not incriminating herself. Who knows. But he will need to talk that through and judge for himself.
i suggest when the horror of the situation dies down that you wrote a piece to go in the file. That you love him very much and that on the x of x you found out that she’s off to prison which means lots in the letters hasn’t been true that everyone has some good in them and that chunk of good was clearly passed down to him.
Sadly, these people are still his family, legally no but in other ways yes. He’s going to become an teen/ adult and have to make his peace with this. My son has decided and consistently decided to steer clear from birth family. this has been a good decision. He still struggles in many ways- but he's working, has a car and a flat. Serious relationship problems. Lying etc. But in many ways doing just about ok.
My adopted daughter got tangled up with the birth family at the first opportunity. They are all involved in some degree with gangs, vice, trafficking and drugs. She has chosen poorly. the results of this have been and remain poor
In today’s world with internet, social media and stupid long lost family programs- he will find out. Don’t destroy the letters. Maybe contact post adoption for some support on this
If he has letterbox they will be contacting him / you (I actually can’t remember which) regarding his wishes post 18 - he will have to choose whether to continue with letterbox and I think sign to express his choice. This includes the option for direct contact in the future - so putting on record whether they were willing to be contacted or not. This contact would be made through the letterbox coordinator - so would be carefully supervised and involve counselling so I think if he was thinking of this it would be the better option. Mine both signed to only be told in the event of death or serious illness and did not want to be contacted or continue letterbox. This left the control with them as to when (if ever) they felt ready for this rather than being contacted out of the blue. I agree with Pear Tree about getting something on the record on his file regarding the conversation with SW as he can also request his files at any time post 18 and probably your word about the conversation will not be enough
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