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I think its totally normal what you are going through. I don't know anyone for whom the early days of placement were not difficult. The transition to being a parent is massive - and that is so for birth families as well. All your fantasies and expectations usually go out the window very quickly...and you very quickly start mourning the life you left behind, and wondering what they hell you've done to yourself. Your child is probably even more freaked out than you are - and they dont always show it early on. My advice would be to take everything very slowly...and above all, take care of yourself and each other. My partner and I always took time after little one went to bed, to talk, to debrief each other on what went well, what didn't. communication is so, so important at this stage as is routine, routine, routine. Remember, you're learning a new skill...its always super difficult at first. You are straining every mental and emotional muscle in your body, more so than you need to....and it can be scary, because you're always unsure of yourself. But this will pass. You'll soon master all those basic parenting tasks, and you'll be doing them without thinking or straining soon enough. Parenting is hard, hard work - but very rewarding in the end. And all that Facebook stuff you see of your friends happy family pics? - that's all myth...just keep remembering that.

Totally normal!! So sorry I haven't got more time to write more - but lower your expectations - especially of you & how you feel you should be; look after yourself & keep reading & posting here. We have all been there! Big hugs xxxx

Oh Goodness yes - so normal! Four weeks is no time at all - where would you be with a four week old baby? Sleepless, stressed, overwhelmed, anxious - everything you said! I actually went to see counsellor as I was so worried about my seeming inability to parent our two therapeutically (they came to us at 4 and 9 years old, fully formed!) I had found an inner shouter I never knew was there. At one point, the counsellor said, 'Show me a parent who has never lost the plot and I'll show you a liar'. The first morning after my kids moved in, I woke up and thought, 'Are they still here? - do I want them to be?' The thing I found the hardest was the lack of sleep as they (half siblings) hadn't lived together while in foster care and got up every morning and ran screeching into each other's rooms! I had completely psyched myself up to receive these two kids into our home and I ran on adrenaline for a few weeks. I remember feeling it running out. As the others have said, take it slowly, don't expect much from yourself. Make lists of food and activities, so you don't have to think or plan under pressure! If you are 'funnelling', remember you can still get out of the house together - a trip to the park is a major excursion in the early days - don't expect to get much else done. Remind yourself your child is terrified and emotionally very young - my two delight in telling me how scared they were when they first moved in and how weird Mr Haven and I looked to them. They had weird habits, odd ways of speaking, didn't acknowledge us when we spoke to them, had no manners or politeness at all, the oldest couldn't use cutlery very well, the youngest wanted to stay with his foster carers, the oldest lied like a pro to stay out of trouble (that was a fear thing), the youngest was angry and tantrummy - oh, it was hard going! We also debriefed at night - I read so many books and tried to figure out where I was going wrong (in retrospect I was just inexperienced - like every other new mother). And love, which smooths everything over to some extent, came slowly for me, just as it does for so many adopted parents. I sometimes had to go into another room and remind myself I was the adult and they were the children! Do keep posting - this is an amazing place full of very wise adopted parents who have all been where you are - you will become one of them as time goes on. xxx

Shouted once in four weeks? That’s a fantastic achievement! Totally agree with the above - imagine a new Mum with a new baby - how they often don’t get dressed till the middle of the day - everything is new and strange - everything has to be learned - and everyone rushes round to help a new Mum with a new baby. As well as that the new baby is relatively passive - doesn’t talk - and generally a new Mum falls in love with her baby very early on. So please be kind to yourself - you have all the difficulties to deal with but none of the positives. It WILL get better and one day you’ll wake up and realise you’re a family. It is relentless and you are learning - every day will get gradually easier- try to review each day what’s gone well and congratulate yourself on that

Thanks all, I think I am trying to do too much too soon. The week DH went back to work I went out to 2 playgroups which I found hard as I’m not that much of a “joiner” and obviously don’t have the relationship and trust yet with her so felt hugely inadequate compared to other mothers. Tantrums have been mainly about not wanting to have her nappy changed, which she was also like with the foster carer. We did a FaceTime with the FC a week ago as she was talking about them a lot but I think it made her more unsettled and much more demanding of my attention the following week. She spent a lot of time in front of the TV with FC but now with me she wants me to play all day long, I’m late 40’s so finding the energy levels hard!

Feeling for you - that is so familiar to me, and I would think to most on here! It is the hardest, hardest, hardest thing in the world that you are doing. Be as kind to yourself as you possibly can and make things as easy for yourself as you can. I played non stop with my son when he first came, plus lying with him until he went to sleep - all while not particularly liking him never mind loving him! I almost burned myself out completely... nowadays I use TV and screens far more than I ever thought I would... but I need the break and I think he does too (it’s hard moving into new families and I think some undemanding activity can help relax them)... don’t worry about using screens more than you would normally... you can sit with your girl and snuggle while she’s watching if you like. I also found baths quite good at any time of day - calming for our son and (relatively) easy for me. Swimming too - something that got us out for a good chunk of time!! The days can be very long! Other thing I probably found most helpful was linking up with other adopters... they get it, don’t mind at all when you need to offload, and don’t judge. Our SW put us in touch with several and they are now my lifeline (mutually). Keep posting, pm me too if you want... you sound like you are doing a great job. Take care! Xx

Hi congratulations ! Go easy on yourselves especially YOU Could you compromise on the TV. Say 2 programs and 1 game/activity ? So you wean off the TV watching (if that's what you & your daughter are aiming for) over the coming months I am not the parent I thought I would be. I am not always patient, generous, giving, theraputic etc etc I am not saying my kids are being dragged up or badly parented but I feel inadequate daily ! My partner is great & it's a shame he isn't the full time carer because he is more laid back than I. I am unable to pick my battles ! I don't want this post to be all about me I just mean maybe you & I are setting our targets too high. Playgroups - maybe leave them for a few weeks. The local park might be better & I get you when you say you are not a joiner. At the park you may have to initiate a conversation & although it's not my cup of tea it may be easier One other thought. A few weeks ago I spent a few days (just me) with a good friend who has 5 kids ranging from 3yo to 18yo. Possible diagnosis of ADHD with the 18yo and the 2nd youngest. I mention that to put the "happy family" in context. It was very interesting watching my friend & her husband. The kids don't run riot but the freedom they give them makes them a content lot. Not that perfect of course but with 5 kids they must have learnt & out of necessity when to pick the battles & what they let ride. My house I kept thinking is like a prison !!! Early days & hope this morning you felt a little less daunted but if you didn't then that's ok too. One hour at at time or one day at a time. Step by step. Fake it till you make it When you get a mo there are a few older posts on this forum which may help you Keep posting:) PM if you have time

When my granddaughter was placed (she was a toddler), I remember my daughter found it really hard going to 'regular' playgroups at first. Luckily our local authority runs occasional toddler groups for adopted children, and they found those quite different. They made friends there and now have a really supportive network. Maybe find out if your LA or agency runs something similar? Going to the park was great in the early days and is still a favourite. Remember to be kind to yourself! Hope all goes well for you and your daughter x

Just had to echo what everyone else has said here - you are doing a GREAT job! I felt and thought all the same things that you have mentioned, and clearly remember a conversation with my Mum about what would happen if I sent my LO back to the foster carer after about 6 weeks. As someone else has said, I think the adrenalin wears off and reality sets in... While you are pouring care and energy and emotion into this new little person in your life, don't forget that your life has completely changed too - I found there was so much grief that I was coping with for the different life that I had had before, even though I really really wanted to be a Mum. I found it helpful to take photos of good moments, however small they may be, and then I had something to look back on and remember what we had achieved. Two years further down the line and I still find this very helpful and encouraging. You will get there - keep seeking support. Feel free to PM if you need to vent, off load or celebrate the smallest success!

Hi, on top of the great advice you've already had here, can I also add that if you wake up feeling like crying, don't rule out post adoption depression. Your situation sounds similar to mine in that you've already had a huge amount of stress and difficulty before your LO arrived, with the match falling through and the extremely long wait. I was utterly miserable at the beginning of placement and dreaded hearing my sons wake up each morning, and I did get diagnosed with depression eventually. Looking back I think this was almost inevitable as, with hindsight, I can see that I was very low before they even arrived because of delays and court hearings. By the time my 2 were placed I think I was so battered and bruised by the process that I didn't have enough strength for the actual placement. I seriously wanted to give them back. I remember the feeling so well - fear of what on earth I was going to do, how was it ever going to turn out ok. I got through by thinking of it like a job that I didn't enjoy but couldn't leave. Drastically lower your expectations- if you are keeping her clean, clothed and fed each day then you are achieving. Anything on top at this stage is a bonus. I wouldn't try groups and things where you feel you need to interact with other parents as that is likely to make you compare yourself and feel bad. If all you do in a day is walk to the shops or go to the library then that's enough. Our placement was the same time of year and I found that when the weather got better and we could be out in the garden all the time it got a bit easier. I do think it's worth seeing your GP if you feel very low, I was prescribed antidepressants and they really helped. I honestly considered disruption as I was so miserable and now we are 4 years in and I can't imagine life without them. It is so hard and such a shock to your system but I promise it will get better.

I completely back up what the others have said. You are doing very well. I admit there were some days I didn’t take mine anywhere. I spent the day thinking what are thinking now “what have we done” but that will pass. I now think and know what I wonderful thing is to have them running around and hearing their voices first thing in the morning. A

Is there anyway your DH could take some more time off work so be at home and share the load. My husband took 4 weeks unpaid parental leave after his two weeks paternity and a week of annual leave as well. The four weeks of unpaid annual leave is an entitlement. They can not refuse it (can be put off for up to six months if not right time for employer but I believe where a child is recently placed they can’t do this). Without the two month settling in period with both of us at home I doubt I would have survived the placement. Having two people around the majority of time to tag team will help hugely!

All perfectly normal feelings. I’m willing to bet we all had our fantasies about how motherhood would look, what sort of mothers we’d be, how joyful we’d find it ... and of course friends and family will assume that you’re deliriously happy. The reality can be somewhat different. Children are hard work. It’ll take time for you to get to know each other, to start the bonding process, to figure out what makes her tick. And equally it’ll take her some time to learn to trust you - right now she’s a grieving, terrified small child who’s just lost everything that was familiar to her. It’s hard for all of you. There may be times when you’re overwhelmed at the change in your life - particularly if you’re the stay at home parent when it’s harder to take a break. There may well be times when you’re resentful of your partner’s freedom to just get up and go to work, leaving you to it. Again, quite normal. It will get better in time but don’t put pressure on yourself to do and feel things you’re just not ready for. It can help sometimes to look on it almost as a job ... and you’re learning on the job. Take it slowly. Allow yourself some me time. Try and enjoy the small things, might help to keep a diary so you can track the changes in her and you. And don’t be afraid to ask for help. I’ve done it three times and each time there was a period of me wondering what the hell I’d done! My three are teenagers now so there is life at the end of the tunnel!

Thanks all really good advice on here. I think I will pay a visit to my GP and maybe think about some antidepressants. I’m already on HRT and think my hormones are all over the place. My social worker has been round and I’ve asked if she can put me in touch with some local adopters and go to their stay and play groups. I think I just don’t feel anything for her at the moment and that is what is making it hard, along with the constant “why” to everything I ask her to do is just so waring. It took ages to get her dressed this morning, when she doesn’t want to do something it’s just why why why and I have no patience. I’m being told though that all her behaviours are just normal for a 3yo. On the positive side though she has asked to go on her potty today! My DH has some extra holiday so he is going to take some odd days to give me a break and I’m having some me time on Saturday and leaving it to him.

Just wanted to add - your little girl is 3 and “why” questions are typical of a 3 year old and drive every parent mad! Also don’t worry about loving her or even liking her at this stage - just take care of her - no pressure to feel anything - that will all come in its own time

Second time adopter here, your age-ish, with a three-year-old and a preteen - and I still regularly think I’ve made a mistake, 10 years in (with the first) and twice over! So, so common and so, so normal. It’s a failing, I think, of the adoption approval process that we all have to demonstrate/prove how super-resilient and super-starry we are going to be at parenting, that when we’re actually just pretty run-of-the-mill and normal (ie occasionally bad-tempered/grumpy/less-than-fun/and even shouty ((because we’re only human, despite the super-human PAR and references)), we sometimes can fall to earth with a big bump. The truth is that even the most longed-for and time-waited children can sometimes be the biggest pains in the bums (mainly because they’re just being children and being annoying comes with the territory, even without the added adoption dimension). Factor in the unaccustomed exhaustion and boredom of dealing with meeting the incessant needs of any small child, plus the concomitant shortage of sleep, the stress of regular SW visits and reviews, and, most likely the mourning for your old child-free lifestyle, even if this is subconscious, and you have the perfect recipe for feeling exactly as you do now. Well done, you, for being so honest. And it’s brilliant that so many here have responded to say you’re not alone. If it makes you feel any better, I have tonight been (very secretly and discreetly) flicking the Vs from the bottom of my stairs at my three-year-old who had a horrible d&v bug at the weekend and who has since turned into a diva-turned-dictator in her ever more incessant and outlandish demands (think Cornflakes sprinkled with the drenching of freshly-harvested Unicorn tears and then tossed with a thrice-distilled balsamic dressing flavoured with the shavings of truffles snouted out at sunrise by royal pigs. And even then, it’s just not RIGHT, Mummy.) Do I feel proud that I’ve been (secretly) flicking the Vs at my beautiful, longed-for and adored child? No, of course not. Does it help me, as a totally lone parent, distill and diffuse my anger and retain some kind of control and just about cling to the wreckage of my sanity? Just about. And that’s without factoring in the hair-raising antics of the 11-year-old Big Girl. I guess what I’m trying to say, in a very long-winded and roundabout way, is that three-year-olds can be nightmares, that parenting as an older parent can be tiring in the extreme, that being a newly-placed adoptive parent can be simply terrifying and can stir up all of those ‘what if I’m not good enough?’ feelings. I want you to know you’re in the best company here, that none of us will judge you for your very honest feelings and that you will make the biggest difference to your three-year-old’s life.

Oh, and by the way, totally bin off playgroups etc until YOU feel like you WANT to go. I’ll happily message you a list of simple ways of getting through the day at home with a pre-schooler.

Libertas, your secret V flicking and unicorn tear drenched cornflake comment made me laugh a lot (oh so familiar) and reassure me I'm normal. Thank you! Pawprints - toddlers are HARD and you've come straight into this at a tricky time, don't give yourself a hard time if you're finding things tough, lots of good advice above. From a tired mum of a VERY strong willed (but adorable) nappy fighting 2 year old xx

Also, Pawprints, practical advice about the nappy fighting - I've found distraction is the only real solution. I have a bag of interesting things, toys, gadgets, fiddly things (like a peg), things that look like they're not allowed (like an old mobile phone, calculator) next to the nappy changer ready to grab. Also I have pull ups on the ready if it's not a poo nappy and you end up doing it standing up or chasing around.