Edited 17/02/2021
Need Advise
want_to_adopt
August 3, 2013 09:57
We have been placed with our 2 children (brother and sister) now for 5 mths. I had every intention on keeping in touch with their fc whom they were with for 10 mths before they moved in with us. After the first 3 weeks the fc rung me to ask how they were getting on and I let my son (who is now 5) chat with her, this was all fine and he seemed happy enough that she was still there for him and still loved him. He talked about her lot (and sometimes still does mention her) About 8 weeks into placement I could sense my son was feeling ''sad'' so I rung fc when he was out with my hubby and asked her to ring him when he came back, to which she did. They chatted on the phone for a wee while and my son perked up.A mth later we decided to meet up (the children wud have been with us for around 3 mths by now) I explained to the children where we were going and who we were seeing. My son didn''t seem to want to go, but the fc was so excited I let this slip and coaxed him around. I explained to him that he wasn''t going back to live with her, just meeting her in town to say hello while she did her shopping.When we arrived, the fc came towards the children all excited and knelt down with her arms wide open calling them, but they wouldn''t go near her. They clung to my legs. The fc was quite upset about this to which I said ''give them time they will come round'' we went to café and chatted away to children but they still seemed not bothered by seeing her. The fc said to me that it seemed like they wouldn''t have been bothered if they ever saw her again (this was her first placement) rds to me were ''im gutted'') kept in touch via email, but its always me making the effort to send her pics and info about the children and she responds with one or two lines but that''s it. Is she no longer interested in the children so do I leave it drop, or do I keep on and maybe ask for another visit. I did invite her and her family (she has BC) to their birthday parties too but she had other commitments on those days. I would hate for the children to be missing out on their relationship with her, and I would hate for her to think im keeping them away from her, which isn''t the case, I want them to have a relationship with her .... does anyone have any advise please as I don''t know what to do for the best .... thanks
Imp
August 3, 2013 12:40
Hi, I am a Foster Carer, though what I have to say is my personal thoughts, we are all individuals.Firstly, if this is the first time that the Fc has 'moved children on' then she may not understand her own and the children's emotions. I think that this is indicated by her expectations (wrong in my opinion) that the children would want to run into her arms after 3 months of living with you.Again, in my opinion, she should have already 'detached' from the children to some extent. This is what we find we do about half way through Intros, when both our minds, and to a lesser extent our hearts, acknowledge that the children are no longer ours. Your children had just the right response to that meeting, showing clearly that thay recognise that they now have a home life with you.The FCs reluctance to fully engage with your subsequent suggestions could be because she still is upset----has not moved on from the children being with her----so doesn't feel that she can see them, or it could be that she is now busy with the next LOs in her care.Personally, I always care about what happens to our LOs when they move on, but also have to have my current children as my primary concern.There is a balance to how much the FC features in LOs lives once they are with Adopters.Yes, the time in FC should never be brushed under the carpet. As one of our Adopters said ' Imp, she will always be told how much she was loved while she lived with you' Another family , with whom we have placed subsequent sibs, regularly looks through the memory boxes as their children want, again talking about us and our love and care for the children. This was so obvious when we moved the third child to them, the older two (who were both placed at under 1) knew all about us, and couldn't wait to see us again (though we had only had Christmas card contact in the interim)It really is up to you, but in my experience, you can keep the LC and their place in your LOs lives vivid and important without face to face contact.
Edited 17/02/2021
loadsofbubs
August 3, 2013 17:50
i'd agree with imp on the childrens responses, my first foster bub was much the same, the difference being I expected that and wasn't hurt by it. I have had ongoing contact, both face to face and email/card etc contact ever since (over 4 years now). the only ones I worry about are those who refused all contact for their own personal reasons. it helps me personally enormously to know how LO's are doing even without seeing them. tiddly who I moved last year I saw once, very soon after placement, and not since and have no worries about her at all becoz auntie sends photos and her daughters write to me (auntie is illiterate) and I send cards and pressies to tiddly. you could try asking directly if the fc wants to stay in contact, and suggest how you'd like to do that and see if she is up for it, better than worrying about it really.
Edited 17/02/2021
Queenie 27
August 3, 2013 21:56
I understand from another post that your children are placed in concurrency placement, and as such are having regular contact with birth family? I would have thought in this situation direct contact with FCs would be even more confusing, and potentially upsetting for your little ones.Queenie
Edited 17/02/2021
want_to_adopt
August 5, 2013 09:29
Yes Queenie, That is the case, they have contact with their siblings twice a mth and BM once a mth. But for the FC not even to send them a birthday card? She has my address and was invited to their birthday parties, makes me wonder if she really wants to keep in touch with them and feel that maybe im pushing her!
Edited 17/02/2021
Imp
August 5, 2013 10:33
Hi want -to-adoptRe the birthday cards. I don't send birthday cards to 'my' Los, if I did I would be sending over 100! I'm just not organised enough to remember their birthdays. Even if I do remember, it seems unfair to send to some and not the others (even those Very Special ones----and there are some who are more special than others) However, our Christmas Card list is enormous. As I said in my earlier post, htere are effective ways for you to keep the FCs alive and important in you LOs lives, without that direct contact.I appreciate that it can be a difficult concept for Adopters as this is now your child, your family, your future, and it is often hard to understand FCs.Most of us have a 'quirk' in our character, that allows us to love and nurture the LOs in our care-----and then let them go. Yes, on going contact is great when it is allowed to happen by the adopters, but that LO is no longer ours, and the relationship should be different.Not all Fcs are able to do this, and it may be that yours just haven't got to that stage yet. Do be positive about them for your LOs sake, but don't take it personnally---we are human too.
Edited 17/02/2021
Donatella
August 5, 2013 10:48
Maybe she needs the time and space to come to terms with her loss. She's looked after your children for some time and as its her first placement maybe she needs to look after herself for the time being?None of my kids get cards from their old fcs. One dud for a while but it just got too much. Too many babies!I'm still in touch with her - but the relationship now is between me and her, rather than my son and her.
Edited 17/02/2021
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