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Assistance Please

Bridgetbones January 23, 2019 17:18
Hi everybody Our AD is now at almost 12 in the full throws of puberty this coupled with her background is very challenging time to say the least Unfortunately , despite trying everything she is a very unhappy & angry young lady at home although outside of the home she is comes across as very happy and everyone loves her at school and outside of home We have been seeking post adoption counselling which has been useful plus I have been seeing a counsellor individually and we have been putting the techniques into play and am proud to say I have not raised my voice in over 3 weeks. However, our AD is now trying to find new ways to push our buttons as she is not getting the type of reaction she obviously craves and ironically has stated more than once "stop shouting at me" This week we have seen some very upsetting behaviour for instance there has been some shoving, a show has been thrown and I have been told that I am a rubbish parent - this all directed at me and she will go out of her way to go against whatever I am saying or trying to do when in the past this was never the case & sometimes I couldn't move for her hanging off of me - how times have changed TBH she has always been quite horrid to my husband even though he is the calmest of us both and is an excellent parent (we have a BS of 22). Now it would seem that she is going out of her way to punish me. After this week we both feel that she is in despite need of counselling - she had a couple of sessions at school after an incident in June where she ran away last June but other than assessing she had low self esteem these seems to fade away plus the fact our AD said she didn't want to go as she had to miss some of her favourite lessons Her behaviour has got progressively worse since this incident - which was totally out of character at that time and our questions on why she did this has never been answered I have tried to find a private practice locally to help but most are full and those who aren't have stated that they cannot take on a child who has been adopted because of various regulations. I have now asked our post adoption team but again TBH I wanted someone who is totally independent to assess/help her Any advice in this area would be greatly appreciated Many thanks
Edited 17/02/2021
Donatella January 23, 2019 17:43
Hi. I have two teenage boys and a 13 year old daughter ... and oh boy has puberty been challenging! A few things ‘This week we have seen some very upsetting behaviour for instance there has been some shoving, a show has been thrown and I have been told that I am a rubbish parent - this all directed at me and she will go out of her way to go against whatever I am saying or trying to do when in the past this was never the case & sometimes I couldn't move for her hanging off of me - how times have changed’ - not unusual at her age. She’ll be pushing the boundaries, trying to find her place, learning some independence and starting to want to separate. The shoving may be inappropriate so I’d want to talk to her about that and try and give her some alternative ways of expressing herself? Can I ask - are you assummmg all her issues are due to adoption/trauma/attachment etc or could there be something else in the mix? What’s her birth family history. I’m not asking you to share but could there be something genetic to consider. Was bm a drug and/or alcohol abuser? Any history of mental ill health etc? If any of this could be in the mix then all the counselling in the works won’t necessarily be a fix. If you’re in England then you could apply to the ASF for support. Do you have, for example Camhs or Paeds involved? Could she be masking in school? Secondary school is tough ... could she be holding it together in school before letting all her anxiety out at home, her safe space? Just a few things to think about!
Edited 17/02/2021
little bear January 23, 2019 19:21
Great user name BTW! I have three (adopted) teenage girls, so the issues you describe are not unfamiliar, although more extreme than I've experienced, so I think you are wise to look for therapy and also consider the various things that are in the mix. That said, you still need to find some ways to manage day to day, so I was thinking about things that have been good with my girls when our relationships have been strained. Some ideas: can you surprise her by doing some new, more "grown up" things that you and she might both enjoy. For example going to (or just watching at home) a more grown up "teen" film together. Or you might go on a shopping trip into town and have lunch, or have your nails done. Really importantly though keep the pressure off her by making it something that you tell her you want to do, and asking her if she'd like to come with you (so pick something you'll quite enjoy even if she is miserable!) conversely sometimes it is nice to regress - we've re-watched a few of the Disney classics that we watched when the girls were small again over Christmas. It was a lovely nostalgia-fest and they enjoyed it more than they'd admit. I've had to make a conscious effort to try to get out of "mum" mode and talk to my children more as equals. So I'll talk to them about how I'm feeling if I'm a bit tired/grumpy/time of the month and let them know that, so they understand it is OK to feel a bit grumpy. And when they do get talking about friendship issues or whatever I try to just listen empathetically more as I would with an adult friend than try to fix it. do what you can to help your husband develop his relationship with his daughter. Again, could they have a day out - sports fixture, theme park (when it's warmer) - sorry realising these are terribly gender stereotyped suggestions, perhaps he'd like to take her to have her nails done!! But also use the time they're together to have some time off. Wishing you luck. LB
Edited 17/02/2021
pingu123 January 24, 2019 13:19
Barnardoes do adoption support, they will meet with and support both adopters and adoptees. We found them very good, so if they cover your area it's definately worth speaking to them to find out what they can offer
Edited 17/02/2021

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