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Adoption breakdown- we will continue to fight for justice
Hygge
October 2, 2017 13:15
Having adopted 6 years ago we have struggled to support our daughter to come to terms with her early life traumas and the behaviours through which this manifested.. We repeatedly asked for the help that we had been promised but the local authority point blank refused to pay for therapy and pushed responsibility onto the adoption agency. There was no formal assessment and she was refused a CAMHS assessment. Late last year we had to admit we could no longer continue- our family was destroyed and our BS mental health was severely affected as well as our own. At this point she was assessed by CAMHS and diagnosed with attachment disorder and severe Trauma ( we were diagnosed with PTSD). CAMHS suggested she needed long term intensive therapy.......but for us it was just too late- we were physically and mentally broken. She moved back into foster care in Feb (aged12). We went through the ordeal of court and the distress of preparing her for the move but took some strength from the fact that she would now have access the therapy she so desperately needs. We have been told this week that she is presenting as resilient and not a candidate for therapy!!!! Just because her issues are so locked down and she has incredible coping mechanisms it doesn't mean she is ok!!! We feel our insights and years of experience have been completely disregarded and again we have all been fundamentally let down by the system. Listening to the File on 4 programme this week there was so much we could relate to and are starting to wonder if our experience is in fact the norm- if these children and well meaning adopters are being set up to fail just to meet targets or to balance the books for a few years. There is so little continuity through the system it is hard to track individual childrens progress and they just get lost in the bureaucracy. We plan to take take this further and will be having a meeting soon with a Human Rights specialist lawyer. It would be interesting to connect with adopters who have had a similar experience who would perhaps like to collaborate or take their case further at the same time. We may not be able to repair things for our children but we have to make a stand for the children just starting out on their adoption journey- things must change- we need to be their voice!
lilyofthevalley
October 6, 2017 23:31
I am very sorry to hear about your experiences. Sadly they are not unusual. There are many interrelated issues. Some of them are: incomplete information or misleading and erroneous information about the child prior to adoption failure to respond adequately to requests for support post adoption failure of professionals to diagnose conditions such as ADHD, ASD, FASD, dyslexia, dyspraxia, PTSD etc failure to provide therapy if needed persistent failures of CAMHS in many cases - their presumption that if the child is adopted the problem is always and only attachment related the effects of long term stress and anxiety on other members of the adoptive family - parents and other children the readiness to blame adoptive parents for the problems the poor communication with adoptive parents if the child goes into care Lily x
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lilyofthevalley
October 7, 2017 10:41
I absolutely empathise with your distress and your anger about what has happened. You say that you will be meeting soon with a human rights specialist lawyer. Are you being backed financially by any organisation to seek legal advice? Nearly 25 years ago I sought legal advice after I discovered that I had been given erroneous information about my daughter and that very significant information had been withheld from me. A barrister attended a meeting to consider the evidence. He was keen to proceed against the authority. He stated that it was a 'novel' case. However you are up against an organisation that is well funded and has a law department at its disposal. They can and will use delaying tactics so that your legal costs keep rising. In the end I decided regretfully to abandon my case because I could not sustain the financial cost (which is just what they wanted) nor could I risk losing my house if I lost the case. Lily x
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Pear Tree
October 7, 2017 19:49
Lily You walked away with head held high
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Bubblebee
October 26, 2017 21:49
Hi, I think our story may be very similar in many ways. And I would be very interested for us to share details and discuss our current situations, but would rather do this privately at the moment, because of where we are. I'm not quite sure how that works on here! Whether we can share personal emails etc?! Regards Lisa
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Bop
October 26, 2017 22:32
Bumblebee - you should be able to send a private message to Hygge - just click on her name and it should take you to messaging. ((hugs)) to you both
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foreverson
July 16, 2018 22:14
This sounds like the position we are very much in now. Did you speak with a lawyer? How did you get on? Are things any better?
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sicklemoon
August 4, 2018 15:40
I totally agree with your comments and really feel strongly that adoptive parents need to pull together and have a much stronger voice. I do feel that how the system is, sets us up to fail and then we are blamed for not coping. For 5 and a halF years, I have been doing âtherapeutic parentingâ, however I believe that is an inherently unhealthy place for a parent to be an realistically unachievable. Having a background in mental health and therapy, I can put my hand on my heart and say the concept is a nonsense. No therapist would take on a client for 24 hours a day with no respite, no supervision and no boundaries etc because it is inherently untherapeutic and damaging for both therapist and client. I wonder how many of us are subsequently diagnosed with PTSD? I,ve just been referred to my local mental health team and am in the middle of being diagnosed with complex PTSD. However the MH team just referred me to childrenâs services with out discussing with me due to my sonâs behaviour towards me. Out of the blue I get a phone call for a s.17 assessment, oh thatâs so helpful. To be honest, Iâm at the point where I struggle each day to stay alive. The system has battered me into the ground.
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Johanna
August 4, 2018 16:37
I am so sorry that you are having to cope with so much. I have been in that dark place too where we had to battle SSD as well as sustaining some kind of family life. It is survivable but it is draining emotionally and the SSD does not apologise or uphold grievances apart from "partially ". We have a unique package of Shared Care at the moment which suits our 17 yr old and us but costs a fortune for SSD ..... Johanna
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Madrid
August 5, 2018 10:10
sicklemoon Itâs very bad that the outcome of Adoption has made you feel like this. Please contact: https://thepotatogroup.org.uk/ The Potato Group will offer you support.
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sicklemoon
August 5, 2018 17:54
Madrid, Thank you for caring. I have run out or everything, time ,care, hope etc etc. Tired of fighting to no avail. Maybe sometimes it needs a sacrifice for people to listen... Xx
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Madrid
August 5, 2018 22:21
Sicklemoon Please do contact The Potato Group. People there do care and can help. XX
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Elm123
August 5, 2018 22:35
Sicklemoon Contact the Potato Group they care and will help with out judgement and have sadly walked in the same shoes as you. And if at all possible make self care your top priority xx
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Madrid
August 7, 2018 06:47
Sicklemoon How are you?
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sicklemoon
August 11, 2018 18:24
Hi Madrid, Sorry I did try to post back to you the other day but site was having maintenance so couldnât. Weâre all out in Spain at my sisterâs so I am getting a break. Iâve spoken to my sister and we are trying to plan AS coming out to her regularly in school breaks to give me a break. Iâm feeling a little brighter and will contact the Potato group when I get back. Thank you for hearing me and caring, actually that really helped me hang on it there. Hugs to you all, Sicklemoon xx
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Madrid
August 12, 2018 01:18
Sicklemoon Thank you for letting us know youâre ok. After your last post - about maybe it takes a sacrifice for people to listen - I was really worried in case youâd done something.
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sicklemoon
August 12, 2018 23:57
Madrid you are very astute. Seriously I do wonder whether the suicide rate amongst adopters is higher than the general public, but there probably arenât figures for this...maybe there should be. We adopters are so busy trying to help our children, cope and survive through their trauma that we have little left to do more fighting to change things for the better for future adopters. I see that the Potato group does this, I take my hat of to its members. Maybe one day when I am better I will be able to help with that...need to get better first tho. Not sure how that is going to happen, donât feel I can trust the CMHT since they shared my data without my permission. Maybe Iâll find another way (shrugs). Iâve put in a complaint so Iâll see what happens next. Xxx
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Madrid
August 13, 2018 01:40
The Potato Group is not just about campaigning; thereâs an incredible amount of support that you can access. Also, read this: https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/301889/Final_Report_-_3rd_April_2014v2.pdf Itâs long but very detailed and will show you that youâre not alone. It was commissioned by the DfE and I think they were shocked by the anecdotal content. You and I will be familiar with much of it.
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