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empathise with her big scary feelings - it means that some of her confused hopes, dreams , magical thinking of going back to birth family or first Fc are now not going to happenjust reassure her that you will be the best mummy you can be and to keep telling you when things are scary and it is ok to feel upsetmaybe choose some really young baby play activities to reconnect

thanks. It has come as a bit of a shock as things had been going so well! It is amazing what they keep hidden inside. Poor little love. xxMummy to my gorgeous girl (6)

My feeling is that she doesn't mean it. Like you say, it was her idea and she got very excited about it. She could simply be terribly scared that it won't last, that she isn't loveable enough to deserve the forever family she so much wants. Therefore testing how strong your love for her is (and how much you want her to be with you) by offering you opportunities to back off. Don't let her down. Whatever mood she acts out, she needs reassurance that you'll be consistent in your love for her.People also talk about the 'honeymoon' period. During which kids behave as they think they're expected to behave – to please and be good, not necessarily be themselves. That this period is over is actually a good thing because kids finally relax into trusting you enough to finally express their true feelings and emotions. Perhaps your girl has reached this stage, has a lot to let out and is struggling to find ways to do so.

I am new to this forum and came on here for some support from people who are also maybe going through the same thing. I have spent the evening reading all the posts on here and now think you must feel I am a right whinger! I will go to bed hoping for a better day tomorrow. And enjoy all the good bits. Thanks everyone. xx

This is the one place you can guarantee no one will ever accuse you of wringing :-) that's why we love these boards.My LO has only been placed with me for five weeks but this week she has started to show a lot of the same bevahiours you are describing. When I talked to my SW about it, she said it was generally a good sign as it means the child is starting to process their feelings and deal with their emotions... It's like having to take a house apart in order to rebuild it on secure foundations.Chin up and stay focused xx

WelcomeIt's a huge thing and I think it's a positive sign that she's showing you her feelingsThe behaviour is her languageTrue has some great points I did wonder if there's something you could tell her about celebrating anniversary next yrA meal out of her choice etcMapping out with her about the good bits of belonging with you long term reallyBless you both!Pear tree

We had our celebration hearing a few weeks ago and Simba has been a bit up and down. Fathers day particularly caused a bit of difficulty, plus it was FCs birthday.I think our children have such complex relationships don't they with loyalties to so many peopleSimba desparately wanted the adoption order - but in his ideal world we would all live together in a very big house - 'We' being him and me, FC, dad and little bro and BM. It can be hard enough for adults when relationships change, people move away or die, its so much harder for themI agree she's processing things in her own way, reassurance and lots of cuddles the way to go

Purplelady you're absolutely no whinger! We're all educating each others on here – and your experience and consequent discussion are important.I was trying to share my limited (theoretical) understanding of the process your daughter is going through.... But it won't be long before I'm the one searching these boards for help in understanding my mysterious child Hope things make sense soon

I have a similar experience - last October became 'forever Mum' to 2 girls after 3 years of being a respite carer, and then they chose to come to me forever.And OMG! The first 6 months were like being hit by a bulldozer!ED (now 14) is now fairly settled, calm, getting on with her life and has a good handle on integrating past experiences, present situation, and where she wants to go in life. She had 5-6 good early years with BM and has been helped enormously by re-establishing direct contact (BM is far less chaotic these days, and supports their relationship with me).YD, nearly 6, has struggled far more. Chaotic early life, although I have been a consistent figure for much of it she is still too young to understand why she didn't live with me full time. Change of routines. Now allowed to express her feelings instead of being afraid to -- and boy, is she making up for lost time! Father's Day has resulted in a 3-week meltdown and waking up at2am wanting to discuss why she doesn't have a daddy etc etc. Still, she is far more settled than when she first came to me. The way I see it is she has been surviving up until now. Now she needs to start to heal, which means revisiting a whole lot of fear, pain, confusion etc She doesn't know how to deal with it. Plus, she loves me but doesn't want to love me in case I abandon her. She is terrified that I will abandon her. I recognize the mixture you describe!The biggest challenge for me, as a single mum, has been getting time for myself. And probably the biggest challenge in that is getting over my feelings of guilt at taking time for myself.My LO copes better with structure, consistency and routine as these reduce her anxiety. She does well in familiar environments when I'm not around, so she goes to afternoon care at her pre-school so I have a gap between work and looking after her and have some time to myself. She also does a couple of extra-murals that are small groups and structured, and she enjoys them. She has a very supportive pre-school who manage to set clear boundaries while being very responsive to her emotionally - and have been a great source of encouragement and support to me. They have had fostered/adopted children before, so although they aren't experts on complex trauma/attachment/whatever they are open to listening and do make constructive suggestions. But most importantly I get a break from LO while feeling completely confident that she is getting the emotional (as well as academic etc) care she needs.How is your LO doing at school? Are they supportive? Does your LO cope with other activities that give you a break?The other thing that has helped (when I manage to do it!) is to stop reacting to the 'difficult' behavior. We're only human, but I have been able to stop taking it so personally a lot of the time. She needs to clear up after herself (say sorry, clear up physically/whatever) but I accept, more than I used to, that this is a way she communicates at present. I try to 'listen' to the behavior rather than feel like a failure because of it...Anyway, PM if you like! We seem to have come to adoption through a slightly different route from many here, even if LO has many of the same issues!

I think damaged children can have a lot of non-integrated conflicting emotions and memories. AS never showed any interest in BM. He stopped contact with her while in FC. According to his therapist he can't stand her. He didn't write when the opportunity came up.And yet, when we announced the date of seeing the sheriff to finalise the adoption (almost 2 years after placement) he suddenly said "oh, I would quite like to live with BM again". It rather hit us But he does similar things on a smaller scale too. He had been on a sport activity week, and at the end said how glad he was that it was over, giving a long list of everything he disliked and we all agreed he wouldn't go next year. The next day when talking about friends he said that it was the best week ever because he played with X a lot.His emotions and plans are determined by whatever random memory pops up, and he is not aware (or ignores it) that he may have felt or wanted something completely different 5 minutes earlier.But he is also avoidant of anything difficult, and it may be the case that he could not face this aprt of his feelings until he knew that there would be no consequences (such as actually sending him back).

Thank you all for your kind comments and ideas. I have definitely felt better today after being on the forum last night. I have had to work late today and she gave my sister who was kindly looking after her a bit of a hard time. She was incredibly pleased to see me and it shows that she is just reacting to a situation. So, apart from her using my perfume (on a shelf she couldn't reach a couple of weeks ago!)and my bedroom smelling a little intense, today has been a good day. xx

I'm glad you're feeling better!The best advice I got when my girls came to me full time - from someone a couple of years further down the line than me - was 'don't take it personally'. We're the people they feel safest with, which means we're the ones they work through their fears and hurts with - and therefore act it out with.My YD this morning said something about looking forward to xxx when she has her 'next mummy'! It did feel hurtful, but I realize that she just doesn't have a sense of permanence so is just assuming there will be a 'next mummy' at some point whether she wants it or not.But a couple of nights ago we were reading the story of Solomon in the Bible - God offers to give him anything he wants, and Solomon chose wisdom. I asked her what she would choose and she said "you"