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To be honest I'm really surprised that you've got this far without having resolved the issue of another birth child. If you continue with adoption you just have to accept the uncertainty it brings with it. It would be wrong to say that all adoptive children have behavioural issues, but many do, and other conditions. I would not say my son has behavioural issues per se but he does have MLD and autism, he is a super, bright, happy child, doing amazingly well, but every day is a challenge. If you can't accept it as a possibility then don't go ahead. No , you shouldn't adopt a child for your existing child, adoption is about providing a family and home for a child that needs it, not a playmate for your birth child, because they won't turn out to be the child you wanted. Sorry if that sounds harsh but it does sound like you need to be a lot clearer about your motivation and a lot more understanding about why and how children need adoptive families

I agree with Serrakunda. An adoptive child will bring enormous uncertainty, and is not likely to be a playmate for your birth child - usually agencies insist on a sizeable age gap between children, before you factor in behaviour, attachment, sibling rivalries etc. It is risky, although I know it can work well. Personally, my adopted son would not cope with sharing my attention with another child, so bringing another child into our family, particularly a child who may have considerable needs (known or as yet unknown) is just too risky for me to contemplate. If this is not resolved in your heads, you need to put the brakes on now.

No, absolutely don't ever think you would be adopting for your BS, because chances are he may turn around to you in ten years and tell you he wished you hadn't bothered. I have three BC and one AC, gap between youngest BC and AC is almost 8 years. They don't get on terribly well even though AC has been here since he was 5 WEEKS old. Older two (21 & 25) have good pseudo-parent relationships with AC not so much sibling relationships because they have always helped out with him and are 12 and 16 years older. I think because their relationship is less sibling, more 'adult-relative' it makes it easier. Despite being here for 99% of his life so far my youngest does have some mild behavioural issues. My BC were laid back, horizontal babies and toddlers who did pretty much what the books said they should for the first 6 or 7 years, parenting was a cruise. My AC struggles with his self-esteem, anger, some control stuff, wobbly trust, friendships and the mutuality of relationships - they tend to be one-sided, his sided. 95% of the time he is little bother, easy by comparison to what you may read here, but that's because he's 'managed' to be that way. If I get things wrong, or he meets challenge and confrontation he will blow. Despite being not quite nine I or other members of the family will get told to "F off", called a female dog, etc. He will chuck stuff across the room. These tantrums are short lived - minutes - he almost always acknowledges his wrong doing by apologising spontaneously, being contrite, and acknowledging how he was feeling at the time, but in the heat of the moment he just reacts and can't easily stop himself. And so these situations happen more than once. So we work on avoidance of triggers, heading stuff off, diffusing tensions as they begin to rise where possible so he can verbalise without blowing. He's a nice kid, loving, sweet, cute, cuddly, affectionate and has a good, but not solid, bond with me (much less so with his dad) and I feel that he trusts me 99% but I'm not sure he can allow himself to trust me 100% . He will also hit and kick when riled, and I've just realised typing this he's not spat at me for ages, many months, maybe more than a year, progress I think. I'd rather be sworn at than spat at, too demeaning. My AC was the jolliest, happiest, smiley babe and toddler, few issues with tantrums at around 20-24 months but nothing that looked abnormal. I think its knowing that and having built a good depth of love for him during all those good times that carries you through the tougher times. For some adopters they don't get that and have to look hard to find the stuff that carries them through the difficult stuff. I have to be reliable in a way I never had to with BC, I'd describe it as 'say what you mean, mean what you say, be where you say you will be when you say, do what you say you will when you say you will' - he has the memory of an elephant of the times I have let him down. He likes routine, structure and reliability and I'm often lazy and lackadaisical, so parenting him has been harder work than the BC put together, yet still I will say compared to many on these boards and other places we have it pretty easy. He doesn't lie, or steal, he isn't vindictive or nasty, he does have some conscience and can empathise with help to think it through (provided he's not in a rage, then you are just pee'ing in the wind!) Adopt if you want the challenge of parenting a child who will have had a difficult start in life, not for your BC, and not unless you recognise that the challenges may well continue for life, they will just change as the child grows and develops. Midge

adoption has brought up lots of stuff for me & dh that we didn't know we had before adopting. We are now having regular therapy which is helping, but it is a tough journey and our children are extremely challenging so if you have a history or depression and are unsure about adoption I would say you are right to put the brakes on. If you are able to conceive then I would say pregnancy would be by far your easiest option.

Thank you to everyone for being so honest

my husband and I went on the preparation course and it really opened up our eyes to the kind of parenting these children need. It is different to how you would deal with a Birth child. As much as you want a second child I feel you need to exhaust all avenues of having another BC. If you suffered post natal depression and this is preventing you for wanting to get pregnant again then you are possibly likely to get depression from trying to be strong and support and adopted child. I would strongly recommend that you get yourself on the prep course and then you can make that decision for yourselves. If the SW feel you are strong enough to get that far. There is so much to deal with and it will disrupt you all in the beginning and might have a long term resentment on BC . But that is the uncertainty that comes with adopting. Good luck on your journey am sure you will follow your instinct xx

I agree with Midge, it cannot be for your son, we have 4 adopted sons and honestly they don't get on like you would hope they would given they were all little when they came. They all have difficulties with relationships, and emotions, even our 16 yr old who is bright and came at just 12 weeks old. You will be adding a challenge into your life, rewarding amazing but challenging and it needs to for the AC. You will need to be strong and resilient, your mental health will be a focus for the SW as they need to be sure you can do it. Good luck and best wishes

It is the toughest thing I have ever done. It is exhausting, can bring you to your knees, can crush you and cause utter despair. Of course I have my gorgeous son to show for it but if you are having doubts now then maybe your instincts are telling you it is not the right time. I found the home study by far the easiest part of the whole process. I think you need to put it on hold and come back to it when you have thought through your plans for another possible pregnancy.