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Hi and welcome,

Different social workers and LAs/VAs want different amounts of childcare. We did not have to volunteer even though neither of us works with kids. We did have some experience though and took part in a Positive Parenting course before placement which was very helpful.

If you contact agencies, they will send you information outlining their process. I would also recommend going to an information evening. There is book out there describing the process ("What to expect when you are adopting"). The book is quite old and then process has been streamlined since, but the basics are still the same.

I would recommend reading "Preparing for Adoption" by Julia Davis, "Want to Adopt" by Helen Oakwater and listening to the creatingafamily.org podcasts on adoption. You will find a wealth of information there.

The length of the process varies massively. It took us 2.5 years and that was considered long. There are others on this board who it took over 4 years and I know people who have done everything (assessments, home study, child placed) in 10 months.

Thank you chestnuttree that's helpful. I've just been on another forum too looking at the pros and cons of VA vs. LA but it seems as though this varies individually too so your suggestion of an information evening appears to be the way forward.

It's interesting you didn't need to do the volunteering aspect, both of us work in offices and have limited interaction with children. I am just about to start volunteering with The Girls' Network although it's with girls in secondary school so not necessarily relatable. I do have 2 nephews but when I see them it's usually with other family members so I don't ever take any responsibility, I think our first step will be to offer up babysitting for them and/or friends' kids who have recently started on their parenting journeys!

And I appreciate the resources, I will take a look.

Hello

On a purely practical level, if you have any work needing doing on your home, get it done now. Make sure you have stable finances and no large debts other than mortgage/ car loans type things

You will have medicals.

One of you will be expected to take a significant amount of adoption leave. Most SWs look for a year, can you finance that, which one of you will it be, or will you share it? What happens if you can't go back to work because of the child's needs?

Don't underestimate the impact of the arrival of a new child. Even with a school age child you still need adoption leave. My son was nearly 8 and I had 13 months off. The school day is actually quite short, 13 weeks of school holidays to cover plus teacher training days etc, you need the time to develop your relationship with the child. I didnt use child care of any sort for well over a year. 8 years on and with a 16 year old I'm still part time.

Research the schools in your area, don't assume that the nice academic school is the best one.

They will talk to your refererees. Homestudy is quite in depth. They will look at your childhoods, any significant experiences you've had, values, beliefs.

Having an idea of what kind of parent you would like to be is fine, but be prepared that in practice that may need to change. I had very earth mother visions - cooking, baking, craft, I ended up with a very determined 8 year old who had his own ideas about what sort of mum he wanted - he won !

Wow Serrakunda27 thank you for that. I was (quite naively) thinking that adopting a child of school age meant we could both be working full time still with limited leave. This is definitely a consideration. We did originally talk about it and my OH said he would be happy to do parental leave but now he's had a number of promotions and earns a significant amount more. We could live on my wage but it would be a change in lifestyle, especially with another mouth to feed.

Medicals are fine, we both exercise regularly and we don't smoke and are only social drinkers.

Home improvements - we always said we'd get more space before applying. In our case it's an extension which we were going to do this year but COVID got in the way so we'll have to ensure we get this in place over the next year to make sure it's all finalised.

Schools is not something we're too concerned about. The schools in our area are average but we're of the belief that the schools don't make the student and we're both committed to assisting with homework and extra studies. I know there's the argument of friendship groups impacting the child's opinions but my OH was brought up around where we live alongside all of his current friendship group and they're all professionals who have achieved a lot in their careers. Or are there certain things/flags I should be looking for to cater for an adoptive child?

Do you choose you referees or does the SW? One worry is that I have a sibling that I don't speak to for a number of reasons and I'd prefer they weren't interviewed although I know they're technically "close family".

I do have an idea of what parent I want to be but that is also an interesting angle. I'll end up with a child with their own opinions and interests so I absolutely can't force mine on them! I'm definitely flexible, the only things I would "force" on the family would be creating our own traditions (e.g. at Christmas), ensuring we have a family holiday and finding something of interest we can all do together, although it wouldn't bother me if this was the child's interest or my own.

easy questions first, you choose your referees, for couples its usually 6. If you have family issues thats fine, many people do, just be honest about it.

Visit the schools, ask what exprerience they have with looked after children, have they had attachment training, ask to speak to the SENCO, ask how they support children with extra needs. What is the ethos like? Are they nurturing?

Whilst academic learning is important, its not the be all and end all. Many adopted children have additional needs. My son did very little homework at primary school and the bare minimum for the first three years at secondary. School was school, home was home. Homework was not worth wrecking our relationship. Think very carefully about your expectations of your future child. Of course, many adopted children are capable of university and professional jobs, but many aren't. I never cared about SATs or whether he was in bottom set. I wanted to see him progress and achieve on his own terms. Find the right school and they will be the best they can be. He came out with a decent enough set of GCSEs and is off to college. I have s university education - it doesnt matter that he is at an FE college, its a huge success for him. Just be careful that you don't project your own aspirations on to your child.

With family traditions and holidays, again you need to be flexible in your thinking. My son loves holidays, we have had some great adventures, but he would start to get very stressed after 4 or 5 days and wanted home. He's a lot better now, but we return to the same places every year. Some adopted children find holidays very difficult. Same with Christmas, particularly with an older child who may have difficult memories around Christmas.

Taking adoption leave is important, the priority for the first year is to build trust and your relationship with your child, you can't expect to bring them home and put them into school and childcare within a couple of weeks. Until you have your adoption order you will have regular visits from SWs, you may have medical or school appointments. Your child may not cope with childcare.

As a single person I knew I would have to work, I went back initially 23 hours a week, working school hours. I was very lucky in that I had a 10 minute walk to work and school was opposite my office so I could run out at 2.55 and be in time to pick him up at 3. But I had spent a year building trust and our relationship - no childcare. no overnights without me, I turned up to every single assembly, school fair, sports day, I was there everyday to pick him up, we had all the school holidays together. It paid off big time. I'm currently working 30 hours a week and I have a very flexible employer.

You really should think in terms of one or both of you working part time. If its not needed, thats a bonus but be prepared for it.

You really won't know what's hit you when a child moves in. Its a massive change of lifestyle, its exhausting and stressful, don't underestimate the impact on you. I really wasn't fit for work at 6 months in. You need adoption leave