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so sorry - its a well trodden path

Thanks, I rarely come here but it's great for support :) I just wish she could let go! I know she will never love me, and I can live with that but everything is a fight, she constantly undermines us, lies by default (so does her brother but he is not confrontational and seems quite happy with his life.) I do love her and admire her tenacity, she was her baby brothers carer when she was a baby herself, her tenacity kept him alive! The police are calling around tomorrow after she comes home from school and will write a report for social services. Hopefully we will get help, I have told DD that if she keeps up provoking me she is putting herself at risk of being removed for her own safety. I need her to understand the consequences of what could happen, I am not sure she does. On a positive side she is doing well at school, for all the issues she has to cope with, her dream is to teach and she is working towards that :)

Nothing helpful to offer but so v sorry you are having such a rough time . Hope you get some sort of support soon xxx

Thanks, it does help. X

Some days I have no idea where my son (who doesn't sleep) gets the energy for the sustained outpouring of anger. Especially after a few hours I am exhausted & all I want to do is curl up in a ball & cry. Recently, my son has started telling people (or shouting in public) that he is being neglected or is frightened of us. The scenarios are all replays of his early experiences. He also says things he thinks will get us in 'trouble'. Some of which it might appear his SW believes! Despite emotional pleas not to say such terrible things & warnings of the potential outcome he seems not to be able to help himself in the moment. He loves us of that I am sure but just has no emotional control & a constant need for adult attention. After years of research, seeking advice, training courses etc all poured into your therapeutic parenting toolkit to say it's disheartening is a gross understatement!!! So my heart goes out to you. We are human & whilst each of us extraordinary for the length we go to for our children we are not bottomless buckets of compassion, resilience & patience! Try & get some time for yourself & I do truly hope you can get some support x

Hello Many of us have found the police to be very helpful. They also put pressure on the other services to act. So I think you are doing the right thing. Hope things improve. Lily x

I also agree that the police are helpful. Dreadful times with our girls and we are not sure how we survived. Currently wondering what diagnosis our teen will eventually get ... we ended up parenting from a distance which now the SW records as shared care. First reports were about our lack of boundaries and parenting ....when they had responsibility it very quickly became apparent that boundaries did not work and now it is about her anxieties and vulnerabilities. However now she chooses her place of residence and guess what .....she is with us the majority of the time and we take respite for ourselves as and when Of course it costs them a fortune ( we only ever asked for a little respite.) Our older girl now in early twenties was a carer to younger siblings and she really went extreme in her teens then became a mother at an early age. Both girls now have very good relationships with us. Your daughter has strengths in education. My big realisation was how much the girls used control in many ways but this was about their levels of anxiety which are far far greater than their peers. I have posted on Good News ....at one point I never thought I'd do that! Take care of yourself. Use the police and doctors. Keep notes of unusual behaviours which you feel are beyond what her peers do. You are a central part of her being whether she sees that now or not. Look at posts from others ...Madrid, Shadow, Lily and Aprilshowers spring to my mind but so very many have shared their experiences and all are valued. This site sustained me through lakes of years and sorrow and whatever happens, just knowing you have done your best is a great thing, All the very best Johanna x

Oh dear me.

WHERE ARE THE SMILEYS?

Hi and thank you for your honest comment. I will try to explain why I still feel I have made the right choice. I would not expect anyone to. Put up with abuse, if my husband behaved like this I would do the same. In years gone by I was at a beaten by my foster daughter, my husband did not intervene but the police were called and she had to leave. We still kept in touch and Years later I was still there to take her in when she was pregnant and in an abusive relationship. I would expect anyone in this situation to put up with it, that would in my opinion be a bad lesson in life. I did not call the police because I didn't love her, I hope she would turn to them rather than hide domestic abuse because that's what it was.

Sorry for all my typos, I am dyslexic and done spot them until I have posted!

Rearview i am truly sorry you had such a bad experience of foster care. There are no excuses for that I am a fc and i obviously know many others, there are some who see it as a source of income and do not put the emotional input into the children but the vast majority care for the children as their own . I have a child in ltfc who has been here for 10 yrs and we all adore him . He is our son in every way that counts . I am also an adoptor and have 3 birth children. There is no distinction between them . We love them all the same . So whilst i sympathise with your bad experience i do not feel it is helpful to colour every situation through the lens of your own childhood. People who post on here are looking for solutions and lets face it if they didnt care they wouldnt be on here doing that. Touchwood i hope things get better for you and that you get the support you need x

Sorry I struggle to.ecpress myself in words. The point I am trying to make is that I am at a point where my daughters behaviour reached a point that was causing me great distress and from which I could not escape from. I don't see calling the police as a negative action.

I didn't spot the edit button, sorry!

Touchwood I confused your post with rearviewmirror, I have problems with her opinions, sorry. You did the right thing, I hope it lead to support for you.

Rearviewmirror - Calling the police when under physical threat IS providing security and love. It is demonstrating that bullying and threats and violence will not get their adoptive parents to sway from doing what is best for that child. It sadly sometimes is necessary in order to put in boundaries to behaviour.

hello touchwood, as I was mentioned in a reply to you I would ask you to look at the Parents of older adoptees board,I recently bumped up a thread I started title Calendar Camp update, living with an angry child, having other children/familymembers/pets, its your responsibility to keep everyone safe, I put up with violent behaviour for far too long, it was the wrong decision, she never learnt that it was unacceptable and could not move forward to enjoy some sort of relationship with us, after a very dangerous violent episode police were involved and they knew that I would not press charges they did. But things do change and you are still her parent and as they lurch through the teenage years they sort of get it and some do go on to have healthy relationships with family. Its hard, its not what we signed up for when we all adopted. Take care of you in all this, self care is important you need to be in tip top condition do something nice for you today. xx

I've just posted regarding involving the police on the other thread - many people have been advised to do this and anyone who has has found the police to be very helpful and supportive of the parents - it does not help any of you if the child gets the message that violent behaviour is ok - logging that behaviour in the form of reports to the police can be useful and can be really helpful in getting the right sort of help. Don't worry about being dyslexic - many of us are used to that - and also people with english not their first language - the message comes across clearly

I have just reread my old post after being away from these boards for a long time. we are still having our ups and downs but the good times are now outnumbering the bad, long may it continue, thanks for all the great advice given to me and many others when in need! :)