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Pretty much spot on Pedro and Alex but I question what that sw said. Adoption is tough and there are many challenges along the way. Right now - three teenagers - life is pretty straightforward but I say that with caveats. One is doing his As and hoping to head off to Uni in September. Neurotypical with no additional needs. On the surface a regular teenager. Except he’s not - he is really hard work, quite immature and can be very difficult to engage. Middle one about to sit GCSEs. Very bright, very artistic, wins awards for his art. Lovely kid - with adhd, ASD, a statement and in special ed. Littlest easier now than previously but dx ASD, statemented, in special ed and also under a paed and geneticist. Ongoing all round.

I think what that sw said is right to a degree - there is still a fair amount of naïveté at the start of the adoption process. However if that feeling persists through to placement and beyond then I’d be questioning whether that sw was doing her job of properly preparing adopters in the first place! Maybe s/he needs to own that and take some responsibility?

Please note that the statistic provided was in relation to adoption breakdowns after the child was placed with their prospective adopters, but before the adoption order was granted.

In some cases, it is not only down to the social worker’s capacity to select the right adoptive families, but also down to the adoptive parents who may underestimate the challenges and overestimate their capacity to deal with these challenges. Personally I met two different families who returned a toddler during the initial placement, since it was quite challenging.

Which reinforces my point that training and preparation was clearly inadequate!

Pedro and Alex, I assume from the examples you gave that you thought my response was 'sugarcoating' It seemed to me from Elthy's post that she had done a lot if reading around this forum and was looking for some reassurance that adoption couod work out ok.

Well for many of us, adoption does work out. Thats not to say we dont have problems along the way. I'm sure you woukd agree that all adopters need to have thick skins.Elthy is worried about what the neighbours might think. I couldn't care less what my neighbours think, particularly when they have a gang of kids who can out yell mine.

My son has probably caused a few thousand pounds worth of damage to my house and furniture. Yes I would rather not have had to fork out for replacements, but my concern was to why he did the things he did, I couldnt get too wound up about the loss of a cheap IKEA sofa. We have addresesed the issues causing that behaviour, had therapy, he is no longer destructive, I have a new (much nicer ) sofa that we chose together.

It sounds to me like Elthy is doing a good job of educating herself about the risks of adoption. But adopters who are having a positive experience of adoption, should be able to say, yes, you know what, its hard, its challenging, there are tantrums, meltdowns, destructive behaviours, but it can be worked through and it can be a good thing for everyone concerned

Like ^^

Though it is relatively very early days yet, I suppose my adopted grandchild could be seen as one of the 'success stories'. There was a fair degree of damage done in utero, hospitalisation after birth, long term medication and sub standard foster care, all of which has left LO with anxiety which has to be very carefully managed. At time of placement at 12 months, LO had massively chaotic sleep habits, meaning years of hard work for my daughter and son in law to get healthy sleep routines in place. The effects of sleep deprivation on a family can be pretty extreme.

They have together turned some real corners and life is much, much better. LO is a very bright, happy preschooler and we are all incredibly proud. But parenting through adoption is nothing like having a birth child. I can see that, happy as they are, the wear and tear on my daughter and her husband has been significant. But they are glad they adopted and love their child to bits.

I don't think it's sugar coating at all to say that adoption can work out well. But it's exhausting, challenging and you have to have eyes wide open the whole time, always one step ahead, not just when making the decision to adopt, but forever.

It’s also a question of what you consider to be working out well - the outcomes need to be seen in relation to that particular child - what their challenges are (which might take a long time to get to the bottom of) and what progress they are able to make - for some (if not most) this might be limited because of various levels of brain damage but they can still do well. The trick is to learn not to compare it to the birth children of friends and family you see all around you - and this can be hard

I think I am also one of the "naive sugar coaters". My understanding was that Elthy has read all the posts about how very very challenging and heart breaking parenting an adopted child can be and wasn't necessarily asking to hear those accounts again, but was looking to hear if there are other experiences out there. I don't actually think I am being naive, I am realistic about the challenges the future could hold BUT I still think it's ok to say things are great at the moment if they are. Even if things get horrendous in the future this bit will not un-happen. The point I wanted to make was that I think it is important for prospective adopters to hear the whole range of experiences and not only the most difficult ones - adoption DOES work out well for some (and agree with Safia about what is considered working out well) and there can be amazing ups as well as downs. It does concern me that adopters that have older children and teenagers that things are going more smoothly for are not using these forums, which means prospective adopters aren't necessarily hearing the balance of experiences.

This is one of those thorny topics. I think we all come to adoption with different experiences, personalities and attitudes etc. What for one person might be a challenge too far could be part of the daily routine for others. So advice is hard to give.

I've met prospective adopters who I felt just didn't and couldn't "get it". I wasn't surprised when either they were never approved or the placement broke down early on. (And it did for quite a few). I've also spoken with many newly placed adopters wondering whether they'd make it through. And met people on courses angsting over some tiny misdemeanor on the part of their child, and wondered how they would ever cope if things escalated. Even on here (in its past incarnations) I've been surprised how devastated some people have been because their child has stolen something or sworn at them etc. And of course, there are many realistic, resilient, down to earth people, who have much to deal with but somehow manage to keep going. Most of us are like that I guess. It's something everyone has to work out for themselves.

I always view myself and DH as strong and resilient people having a mainly positive journey through adoption (currently 18 and 12 years in with our two). We haven't had the extremes others I know have had, but its been no walk in the park either. We are not like "normal" birth families. Sometimes life is very stressful, and with elderly parents too, recently I haven't always felt as resilient as I usually do. But I put my head down and keep plodding on. For me, having a job is part of that - there I am me and the stresses are more predictable and don't engage my emotions to the extreme (plus everyone is polite!). But that works for me because DH works from home and can be flexible so when things kick off, he can pick up the pieces.

Also we have a strong relationship with our girls (maybe having had them very young plays a role there?). They can be rude, defiant, aggressive and rejecting but we understand where that comes from and know how to work through it. It's definitely a journey that goes beyond childhood though. At 18 our eldest is sometimes like a 5 year old (she was yesterday evening). We see progress, then wonder where it's all vanished to. We're not at all sure what her future will look like or rather, worry what it might be.

No one can answer your question OP, except you. But hopefully others' ruminations can help you. Best wishes.

Thank you everyone. Although I didn’t expect anyone to simply answer my question as to why adopt, it’s been a really incredible thread so far. I think someone said that if you have doubts then I’m probably not suitable to adopt, I don’t think I agree with that as what I’m trying to do is being realistic rather than expecting adoption to being the answer to becoming a mum and being the same as having a biological child.

I’d be more worried if I went full steam ahead without thinking of the potential issues. It’s a major life decision which can’t really be reverted (eg imagine moving to the other side of the world for a dream job which is a major decision but one you can go back on - in contrast this decision has no going back).

I’m starting therapy tomorrow to talk through why I want to adopt, because essentially I’m choosing a difficult life going forward and I want to explore that there are no hidden voids or bad reasons behind my wish to adopt. (I may not be using the right words but hope I’m making sense!).

It is always going to be an unknown - but at least I’ve done every exploration possible when I go ahead. Yes I’m resilient and strong evidenced by other life experiences to date but the fact is that I imagine adopted children can test your limits on these traits and I haven’t experienced it so “who knows” is the truth.

also I’m starting to think that doing some respite fostering for a year or two would be a very helpful experience (whilst I’m working on my financial savings etc in prep for adoption).

Again I’d like to thank all for your input to help a stranger!

Hello Elthy. I've just registered as part of the community and found this thread. I haven't read all the responses (hey, I'm a single mum, I don't have time!) but agree with much of what has been said. Three + years ago I was in a similar situation to you, wondering if this was it... could I live the rest of my life without being a parent? I thought long and hard about it and decided that despite the challenges I knew would be ahead, the alternative (not being a parent, ever) was not something I could face. So, I went along to an information session and... took it one step at a time.

I now have a 2 year old son who has been with my just over 18 months (very similar to @Yomi1977 - we must talk!). I have to say that I feel I have been very lucky with him and he is 'perfect' for me. I did express interest in a few children on Linkmaker whilst I was waiting for my match and tried to feel enthusiastic about each one. When I had been waiting a few months my social worker tried to persuade me to move my age range 'up' (I wanted a baby). I thought about it and said, no, I would rather wait. Now my son is 2 and a bundle of energy, I'm not sure I could have taken him on at that age. Also, if I'd said yes to broadening my range I wouldn't have got him and he is the one for me :) Another adopter said to me quite early on, "don't let the social workers persuade you to take a child or any potential challenges you don't think you can handle". This was the best advice I could have had. When you're looking at all the children on Linkmaker who need loving homes, it's easy to say, "well, perhaps I could take that on....", "am I being selfish by wanting a 'straight-forward', 'problem-free' child?" (There isn't one, BTW ;) But then I reminded myself that I was doing this on my own and that I had to be realistic - that there were couples or other single adopters out there who were better placed to look after those children than I was.

As others have said here, it is mainly the people looking for help who post, so you will definitely get the feeling that it is all uphill. I think you're being very realistic by thinking it through and asking for advice but do read and take on both the postitives and negatives. There are lots of positives and when you get the good times (like ALL parents) the negatives fade into the background for a while.

OK - boy's in bed now.... off to have my downtime!

On the whole we do not regret adopting our son (who is nearly 8) but it is hard work at times and like Serrakunda we have our ups and downs. We are incredibly lucky in that we are both still working full-time (albeit in one very flexible job in my case) and have a good bond with our son. But he has attachment issues and other things going on - full 1:1 support at school for SEMH and is still immature for his age emotionally & socially. I did a lot of reading around during approval process and interacted with people on these boards as well as in real life - I will say at the moment we have one of the easiest adopted children I know but I keep on with the research as I know that could all change. We had a horrible period Sept-Feb but we moved house (& therefore schools) plus had anniversary of placement then Christmas so it was not unexpected. We can often predict when things are going to be tricky and make sure our resilience is in place plus topping up on self-care. Also we have stopped with one and there are 2 of us so we are pretty good about handing over when we can feel ourselves being triggered.

Adoption isn't easy but it can be rewarding if you go in with your eyes open. We have spotted things happening with our son at an early point and have therefore been able to take proactive steps. Plus being autistic myself has helped with the public tantrums and the need for control. Overall I would not be without Sqk and both hsuband and I find it difficult to remember what we did with out lives 6-7 years ago pre him.

Hello. We have two adopted adults and one birth child. I have spent time as a single mum.

I think you know that what you are doing caries risks. It’s really does. When my ac first came and I was single I really liked it and I guessed they’d grow out of things with love and care. This turned out not to be the case and I found they weren’t growing out of things much. So I found auk and learned therapeutic reparenting.

This made things more liveable. I’m not very sure if it’s improved things outcome wise massively but it has made a difference. They’ve certainly had the chances they otherwise wouldn’t have had.

I cannot in good conscious recommend adoption as a way to becoming a parent. I feel much more of a temporary carer sadly. That’s quite painful to write as I dearly wanted to be their mum. I do love my AC but with one of them in particular things are complex.

So in reflection had I known this, would I have adopted. Hm. Tricky. I do think if I had decided to do it I would have been better prepared. I would not have taken 2 at once and learned about trauma bonds. I would have known what ‘lovely character’ actually meant and known that this would likely mean adhd, complex hypervigilence & trauma and various needs that should not just be left to fester. Then I would have known to get the right support signed for (preferably in the CEO’s own blood!) before they became adopted.

I do think my AS wanted to be adopted and has to the best of his capacity made a good go of things. He certainly feels like a member of the family and is proud of who he is. But I would say he has significant ongoing issues and he has a wobbly attachment. He is doing OK in many ways. I am mum but more distantly than is ‘normal’ for other mums with 24yr olds I know

my AD really adoption has been totally wrong for. She was incredibly traumatised and needed far more than a ‘normal’ family could give. we gave superhuman strength and ongoing drive and her needs just swallowed them whole and she needed more. She remains a very traumatised young dysfunctional adult sadly.

I know statistics are helpful to a point so I would suggest taking on an adoptive child is a tougher gamble than having birth children. The risk of SEN alone is much higher. The ‘beyond the adoption order’ research is worth a read.

I think you are completely nuts adopting. But my guess is you will anyway and make a damn good go at all of it :)

best of luck

Completely nuts - but somebody’s got to do it! These children deserve a chance - for the majority it does make a positive difference - for some more than others - and a wide variety of factors come into play most of which are unknown and unknowable. Pear Trees post made me think - if I’d known everything about my children I know now - I think id still have gone ahead and told myself all the things we could do to help / minimise the issues. Hope is a wonderful thing! I always say to people the only real reason to adopt is if you really want to be a parent - that is the most important thing - and having a parent who parents a child to their utmost ability is the most important thing a child can have - especially a child who has started life with the opposite. Not easy for the parent though and you need huge resources within yourself and need to know how to go about getting the support you needs of whatever type. Another thing - I always say to people that one of the great advantages of being forewarned - or aware of all the possible difficulties there may be - is that you can seek (and fight for) help from as early a stage as possible. I didn’t because it took so long for the specifics of what was going on to become clear - we did not have the sort of preparation that is available now - and it took me a long time to have the confidence to know I was right and fight for it. So that’s an advantage you will have. But remember also to enjoy your child / children just as children and to enjoy all the normal aspects of their childhood too. Good luck! As Pear Tree says I’m sure you’ll make a great parent

I would do it all again in a heartbeat. My daughters are wonderful and deserve a loving family - as all children do. That doesn't mean we don't have challenges, but they are manageable. I have never regretted adopting them for one second. The thing is, these are my experiences only and there are no hard and fast rules. Adoption is unpredictable. So much depends on the matching and what the challenges are and how everyone can handle them. Our children were 5 and 6 at placement and are beating every statistic. Others don't. I know adopters whose lives were destroyed by sw placing a child with them with extremely challenging behaviour and several disorders sw knew about; I know families who find life challenging with their child; and I know incredibly happy families, who have just adopted a second child. I think every adoption brings challenges most birth families don't have, but the range of those challenges is huge.

I think as with lots of things in life, there’s a spectrum. I have two children with autism and they’re poles apart. I have three adoptees and again they’re all very different, different personalities - and personally I think that’s a biggie - different abilities, disabilities, etc. We go through phases - when it’s easy with one and it’s usually less so with another. Exam season is a big stressor atm - lots of gin has been consumed, by me!

There are are no guarantees - younger doesn’t mean easier. Older doesn’t necessarily mean harder. There’s a lot of stuff in the mix which can determine - or partly determine - which way it might go. Personally , despite saying no to autism, I’ve not found it too bad. I suspect I’d find it harder living with a child who struggled with his or her attachment to me. At least with a clinical diagnosis we have had support and it’s not just adoptive families who have to battle with the profs to get the support their kids need.

We've had ups and we've had downs. It can feel never ending at times but more often than not it’s the professionals who come into your life who cause the most stress. Not necessarily always the children.

i don’t regret it for a second. I am still a full time mother almost 18 years in but I have three so that may have been the case anyway. Three kids aren’t cheap, childcare for three is financially prohibitive. Not that mine would have coped anyway.

You ask why? For me, I wanted to be a mum and it was that simple. No altruism. And I imagine it’s the same for a lot of adopters! And that’s a good enough reason imo.

Thankyou serakunda! I actually dropped out of the conversation due to the accusations of being naive and sugar coating things, when actually the truth is that is our life together, I am not sugar coating anything! And I certainly am not naive, I did alot of reading and educated myself during my journey, I thought very hard before going forward with our match as on paper my sons needs were alot greater than they have turned out to be, as with most things in life you only hear the bad experiences, there are adopters out there (whom I know alot) who live perfectly normal lives with their kids who dont join in these conversations. I am not saying our journey has been trouble free (ask my sister who I phoned weekly crying to say what a terrible mum I was!) But on the whole we have a good life, I have a delightful little boy who I love with all my heart and I dont think there is anything wrong with balancing out the difficult stories. Good luck whatever your decision ?

Interesting and moving topic. One of the main things about our experience and that of our closest other adoptive parent friends is how long term our parenting responsibilities are turning out to be. We adopted our daughter at 9 years old and it was hard at times but nothing like as extreme as some people’s experience. We made a family together and she still sees us as her family, but the realisation of how little impact we had on her underlying, long term issues seems never-ending. For the past few years we have had her two children living with us on a residence order and they seem to become more rather than less difficult as time goes on. It feels ironic sometimes that we decided against taking on two children when we first adopted in our thirties and forties respectively and now have done just that in our fifties and sixties. I never once wished we had not adopted our daughter all the time she was living with us, but there were times after our grandchildren were born when I found myself feeling, ‘this is just too hard and I was mistaken to think I could do it.’

I love my grandchildren very much and don’t regret having them come to live with us, but I am fearful about whether we are really up to the job of getting them the help they need and making their life work. They were never in local authority care and so we have had very little support. And I do mourn for my life as it might have been and wonder if there will be time left eventually for my partner and I to do things we want to do together, spend time with friends as I thought we would do at this age, etc etc.

I too have met people through adoption that I thought should not have adopted as they seemed to have very little idea of the issues and, more important, didn’t seem to want to know. But having said all that, I wish more people would consider adoption. All these children need parents so very, very much.

Therapy or counselling is a great idea. Children who have been through trauma, neglect etc will press all your buttons. It really helps to be aware of your own issues beforehand - though you can be sure that any child worth their salt will find some new ones for you! I have learned a lot about myself through being an adoptive parent, including coming to terms with the level of dysfunction and lack of care in my own childhood. That isn’t the reason for doing it but it happened anyway.

I do think you need a healthy dose of altruism to be an adoptive parent and to be able to be ok with saying that is a reason for doing it. Wanting to be a parent, have a family life etc is a good starting point, but you will need that certainty that you really want to help another human being to carry you through at times.

Can’t tell whether I feel I can recommend it to anyone except that, as I said, I do so wish that more people could find it in themselves to take it on.

Respite foster care also sounds a great plan if you are in a position to do it.

Wishing you the very best of luck.

I'm so glad to have found this thread. We have been to an information meeting and begin our workshops soon. We have 2 birth children (6 & 8) already and want to extend our family through adoption.

I posted on the forum initially as I was really struggling to find any kind of 'success' stories on the archives etc. especially with any reference to already having birth children, however I finally did and have continued to find a lot more through lots more research. It is important to read about different experiences, we want to enter into adoption with our eyes very widely open but we were bombarded with negativity after our post.

I find it hard to comprehend that people would out rightly tell us not to adopt, we're mad to do so etc. Each family is unique, each child is unique and we will discover along our journey what we feel we can cope with and what we as a family can offer to a child. We are definitely not naïve, we know the road will be a long and very bumpy one but that does not mean that we shouldn't walk it.

I've already discovered so much from this forum and I shall continue to use it although I am aware that families (post adoption) that are not searching for additional support/help probably wouldn't use them so I'm sure there are many more 'success' stories out there. I will continue to educate my self on the traumas and ongoing/long term needs of children in care and how to parent them (I currently have 4 more books being delivered home tomorrow on the subjects!) so I'm sure I'll be posting again in the very near future!