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Early Stages of consideration
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Pocahontas
January 27, 2014 14:18
Hi All, Firstly, I've been reading through a lot of posts on here and I think the genuine support and caring everybody shows each other is wonderful! Everybody seems very open and friendly and I am glad I was advised to visit this site. Ok, so the reason I'm here. I am looking for any advice, or to connect with anybody that may be in a similar situation as myself. I am currently in the early stages of 'thinking' about applying to become a single adoptive Mother. I have me first meeting in 2 and a half week and anything that I can do to prepare myself for this, I'm doing it! So speaking to people in the same boat would be amazing! I'll give you a bit of background about myself. I am single (divorced), 29, with my own home and a successful career. I have always imagined children in my life but knew I would never be part of a typical 2point4 family. During my marriage (to a solder) I moved around a lot including countries abroad. There was never a good time for us to consider having children of our own. I have been on my own now for nearly 3 years and I think I would now have so much to offer a child. My house is typical of somebody of my age and career standing - all posh furniture and wooden floors and I don't feel as comfortable as I should. I feel like I should have a carpet with stains on, and toys scattered around. I am ready to be a parent, and after a lot of consideration I think that adoption is the route I would like to take. I don't want to 'settle' for a man so I can have a baby - I'm not 'desperate' for a child and I really want to give a child who already exists a loving and stable environment to grow up in. Some of the stories break my heart. Ideally I would like to adopt a younger child. I have a very supportive large family who would be there 100% for me. I am willing to completely change my life, I would have to do a lot to my house to make it child friendly and would have to sell my beloved cars for a nice 'family' car, and I know I will not able to do everything I am used to doing. But I am ready now for these changes. I have thought through childcare for when I return to work and the company I work for would be very supportive. My apologies for making this into a bit of an essay, but I wanted to see what others opinions of my situation are. Do you think someone like me would succeed in becoming an adoptive parent? Is there anything you think I should think about in more depth before my meeting? Thanks in advance!
Pocahontas
January 27, 2014 15:32
I have realised how many spelling mistakes there are in that message, my apologies, I am at work and rushing things as usual!
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Serrakunda
January 27, 2014 16:02
stained carpets aren't all they're cracked up to be, if my house wasn't so old and draughty I'd have wood floors with a few rugs. Seriously, no reason why you shouldn't be successful. I'm a single mum, there are quite a few of us out there. As far as prep goes do as much research as you can about trauma and how this impacts on adoptive children. You will be asked about your child care experience so if you don't have much think about how you can get some. Because you are single and relatively young you will probably get quizzed on your motivations and if you are sure about not having birth children. I was given quite a hard time on this even though I was 42 when I applied. On a practical note you say you've moved around a lot and lived abroad, you will be asked for a chronology and all your past addresses. If you have lived abroad for any length of time, you will also have to get police checks for those countries, so it's probably worthwhile assembling that information now. Good luck.
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Donatella
January 27, 2014 16:17
I have three children and no carpets! I've learned the hard way that tiled and/or wooden floors are the way to go!
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kstar
January 27, 2014 20:02
Adopting on your own isn't easy but that's not to say it isn't amazing when it's going right! Starlet has been home for eight months now and I love her to bits, but she does push every button and them some! I would say as a singlie you need rock solid support from people who get it. My family and friends have been lovely but no matter what they say they don't understand attachment and trauma. My lifeline has been my friend from my prep course who is now one of the people I am closest to, and someone who was a passing acquaintance until I told her I was adopting - she then told me her two teenagers are adopted. I would highly recommend connecting with some adopters ASAP. Oh and the other thing? Start saving! Adoption pay is minimal and when you're on your own it's hard not having money! Good luck :-)
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new2adoption
January 27, 2014 21:02
Hi DiamondT! I too am in the early stages....I handed in my Registration of Interest last Monday and am waiting with baited breath to hear if I have been accepted onto Stage 1. I too would be a single Mother and am more interested in providing a loving home to a child currently in care. Have you submitted your ROI yet?
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mumofboys
January 27, 2014 21:07
Sounds like you've given it a lot of thought so go for it. Just take the first step and go to an adoption open evening, explore your options about local authorities and voluntary adoption organisations and ask as many questions as you like. Good luck and take one adoption day at a time. Xxx
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Pocahontas
January 28, 2014 11:07
Thank you very much for all your very helpful advice. I will certainly be reading up on a lot of things! I have read a lot of books about childhood traumas and one author in particular is fantastic - Cathy Glass. She is a foster carer who also has 2 BC and 1 AC and she writes about her experiences with foster children. Very insightful! (But not the reason I have opted to go down this route) I have 4 very close friends and two of them have children, one of them is 4 years old and I have looked after her over night since she was 5 weeks old. I don't have a massive amount of childcare behind me, but I'm sure I can change that, friends tend to snap my hand off for babysitting duties! I have spoken to the SW about my meeting and she sounds very reassuring. I am quite looking forward to getting 'stuck in' One thing I didn't ask, and I thought here would be a good place to ask. Would a potential matching with a younger child (under 2) be considered do you think?
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Donatella
January 28, 2014 11:19
How would you manage work commitments with a child under 2? It will be assumed that you will take a period of adoption leave - with a preschool child they may well expect you to take a full year? What would you do then re child care? Full time child care for an adopted child would not be looked on favourably. If a school age child how would you manage school holidays, sickness days, inset days? Re books. Cathy glass is okay but there are others which are more real.The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog would be a good one to start with. What a Every Parent Should Know. Real Parents, Real children. If you are thinking younger then consider also that it's possible any additional needs they may have would not yet have been identified - often toddlers, babies are said to be meeting all milestones, which sounds positive, but actually those milestones are set so low that they can be meaningless. Do think seriously about child care. Full time work and a traumatised toddler may not be a good combination.
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Donatella
January 28, 2014 11:22
Childcare - what about Contact centres, Sure start? The trouble with looking after friends young children is that it won't bear any resemblance to caring for an adopted child.
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Pocahontas
January 28, 2014 11:37
I have discussed with my parents the childcare 'routine' as such. One of the reasons I would find a younger child possibly less 'challenging' is that a child under 2 is possibly more likely to adapt to change (please correct me if I'm wrong) I would be able to take 9 months to 1 year off work (after 9 months the pay is significantly lower so I would have to do a lot of calculations to figure that one out). I would return to work on a part time basis, 1 full day and 3 half days. During the full day my Mum would be available to take on the childcare. She is quite happy to do this and has a lot of childcare experience - she is also a full time housewife so has no work commitments she would have to work around. For the 3 other mornings I would like the child to go into nursery. I think a small amount of time in nursery is good for a child's development - I realise an AC's need can be very different, which is one of the reasons I would prefer a younger child. Please let me know if there are 'flaws' in this as the more prepared I can be the better and who better to ask that the people who have experienced this already - you are going to know about things that probably haven't even crossed my mind!
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Pocahontas
January 28, 2014 11:38
I have discussed with my parents the childcare 'routine' as such. One of the reasons I would find a younger child possibly less 'challenging' is that a child under 2 is possibly more likely to adapt to change (please correct me if I'm wrong) I would be able to take 9 months to 1 year off work (after 9 months the pay is significantly lower so I would have to do a lot of calculations to figure that one out). I would return to work on a part time basis, 1 full day and 3 half days. During the full day my Mum would be available to take on the childcare. She is quite happy to do this and has a lot of childcare experience - she is also a full time housewife so has no work commitments she would have to work around. For the 3 other mornings I would like the child to go into nursery. I think a small amount of time in nursery is good for a child's development - I realise an AC's need can be very different, which is one of the reasons I would prefer a younger child. Please let me know if there are 'flaws' in this as the more prepared I can be the better and who better to ask that the people who have experienced this already - you are going to know about things that probably haven't even crossed my mind!
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Donatella
January 28, 2014 12:13
Not entirely sure that that would be the case. There does still seem to be an assumption that the younger the child the easier it'll be for him/her to adapt, change, bond, attach etc. Trouble is a lot of the 'damage' is caused in utero - drug, alcohol abuse, domestic violence, stressful pregnancy - all of these can impact on the child both pre and post natally. From my perspective having a younger child is no guarantee that life will be easier. I had three babies, two of whom now have various diagnoses. One, who came at 12 months, has never coped with change or transitions and even now, at 9, struggles. He would never have coped with being left with another carer. Even my mum only rarely babysits. He's never been in child care. Where I do think it's easier is for the parent because by the time those problems become apparent then you love the child - and you get through it. Brain development starts pre birth. Brain wiring is affected by pre birth experiences. Bruce Perry is worth reading on this. In the meantime you may be interested in reading this article. http://www.wired.com/wiredscience/2012/09/neuroscience-of-neglect/
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Pocahontas
January 28, 2014 12:32
Thank you Donatella, that is very interesting article. I have been reading a lot about childhood traumas and any information I can gather is great. Would all these sorts of things be considered during the matching process? Would they place a child with a possibly less traumatic early life with somebody such as myself who would possibly not be able to give the 'time' maybe an older couple for example where one parent would not have to return to work, where a child with possible or obvious/diagnosed physical and psychological problems would benefit and thrive more? My goodness there are so many questions!
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Serrakunda
January 28, 2014 12:47
just going to wave the flag for the 'older' child. Simba was 7 when he came home, he has MLD and austism, common diagnosis with adoptive children. He came to me with his difficulties identified and with a statement, but because of this, and being a boy aged 7, he was considered hard to place. Because of all of this he had DLA and an adoption allowance in place. Many adoptive parents have to fight very hard to get statements, allowances etc for their children. I got them handed to me. And as a singly having the additional finance has been a godsend as I can afford to work part time. Because he was older he understood more and was very ready for a new mummy. He has settled very well, moved from a rural area to a large city, new school, very different environment. I'm not saying he hasnt missed his FC family, he has greived for them and its been heartbreaking to see but deep down he knows he couldnt stay there and we have got through it. Two years on and he is thriving. Of course not all older children will settle well, and neither will all younger children. I think I'm just agreeing with Donatella that dont assume the younger they are, the easier it might be. I chose Simba in the full knowledge of his difficulties and I love him all the more for them because I know how hard he works to achieve what he does. You might still want to look for a younger child which is fine, but just be clear about why and that you arent making that choice based on a false assumption. Personally I was happy to by pass the nappy, teething and potty training stages. As a singly its also a lot easier to get out and about with an older child, for me I think I'd have felt quite isolated stuck at home every evening on my own after an early bedtime - at least Simba keeps me entertained until 8 oclock!
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Serrakunda
January 28, 2014 12:53
just picking up your point about having the 'time' there were some specific reasons why Simba's SW wanted a single adopter for him, given that and recognising a. I would need to work and b. the extra time and input he needs, is partly why I got the adoption allowance. This enables me to work part time. Because I can work school hours, I can be there when Simba needs me, I dont use any additional childcare, its me and him which is what he needs ( though thank god for cubs because it gives me a break!)
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Midge
January 28, 2014 13:10
Its used to be true but probably less so now that mostly singletons only got the pick of older children because largely SW wanted hetero couples for their 'desirable' babies and toddlers. It was a lucky singleton that got a baby or toddler, but I think the trend is bucked a bit now and we do see singletons being placed with under 2s far more. Its not that many years ago that a SW for one of my foslings said she would opt for a couple over a singleton every time cos she knew from personal experience how hard it was being a single parent. Individual preferences (and prejudices) will still come into play though they shouldn't. I'm not sure any SW would admit it but I honestly think some SW will still be looking for the 'dream family' for their child - middle class, nice home, two parents, esp if they are an under 2 with no known needs.
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Pocahontas
January 28, 2014 13:11
It sounds like you and Simba have a wonderful relationship, I can only aspire to be such a good Mother! Thank you very much for your point of view, this is why I'm glad I came to this site, to get different opinions and experiences. I wouldn't rule out the idea of having an older child, I suppose I need to think far more in depth about the pros and cons for both. But at the end of the day, I suppose it won't really be my choice.
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kstar
January 28, 2014 13:15
Another waver of the older child flag! My interest in older children started because I am just genuinely not bothered about babies! I prefer children with their own fully formed personality and enough language to communicate. But there are also the very practical concerns - as a teacher, it's been relatively easy for me to go back to work full time because I can cope by just using after school club (which thankfully she loves). Holidays are all for us, so I get 13 weeks a year to be with her full time. Starlet is an amazingly resilient little poppet- she is challenging and has emotional meltdowns and tantrums, but the difference is that, being intelligent and articulate, we are normally able to get to the bottom of what is bothering her and deal with together. I think that has really helped us to bond because she is slowly coming round to the idea that I can help her to deal with her problems. There is so much to think about but it's good that you're open to advice :-)
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kstar
January 28, 2014 13:18
Ps I have sent you a private message :-)
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