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I do find it concerning, but part of me thinks that there are certain things we have to go through that no amount of prep can show us in advance.I think it's easy for us, in hindsight, to say 'yep, that's what it's like, did you not realise or listen', but unless you've lived it, talking about it doesn't really make sense.I read so many books Pre placement, and I got a feel for things, but they didn't really make sense, I couldn't put myself in a mindset or picture having to deal with things that might happen in the future.Re reading these books a few years into placement and I got so much more out of themI do think you are right about the lack of support, if its needed, after placement, I do think adoption buddies on call 24/7 and a sympathetic professional should be a must.Family and friends are great, but you need someone you can talk to open and honestly who's been through the same things and have come out the other side.

I know some adopters keep in touch with the previous foster carers if it suits the circumstances, but I think something more could be done with this. Some foster carers buddy up or have a mentor when they start fostering - could the same not be done with adopters? Maybe mentored by other adopters or even create a more supportive set up with the foster carers?It can all be so overwhelming at the beginning of a placement and you feel so vulnerable, that sometimes I think you need someone there alongside you to tell you that you are doing ok.Everybody doubts themselves, even when they are doing a fab job they think they could be doing better. That's the deal with parenthood. It's damn hard!

Seems slightly harsh JMK - and I know you say you don't mean to be but I think any of those that have written their concerns might now feel they have been 'told off' and that is not going to help their confidence when they are already feeling low. NOTHING prepares you for the first few months as a parent. It is bl**dy difficult - and everyone questions what on earth they have let themslves in for. (I know we did, often!) It's part of the process if you like, as it does get better. (Other things come along that are worse but you can deal with them because you are not in that complete shell shock time).I don't see it as something to worry about, if a child moves in with you and it's a complete breeze then that's when there's something to worry about - in my humble opinionxxx

I agree actually and I don't think it's harsh. There have been a couple of incidents recently when adopters have thrown in the towel and disrupted the placement - in a matter of weeks. Now that worries me. That's what I think is harsh. Sooz is right in that nothing really prepares you for the reality of having that little stranger suddenly appear in your home. I can still remember how terrified I felt when this tiny little scrap arrived in my home and I was completely responsible for him. I barely knew one end of a baby from another and it was an awfully steep learning curve. At that time we didn't have these boards. I knew no-one who had adopted and so had no-one to tell me how hard it would be and how poles apart the reality would be from the fantasy.That's not the case now. There is so much more information out there. These boards should be required reading for every prospective adopter. I do worry what people are being taught about in their prep groups or on homestudy and I do worry that sometimes social workers gloss over the difficulties that any child placed for adoption will come with.I do also think - based on my experience - that there needs to be as much focus on birth parents mental health history and the possible outcomes for a child as there does on attachment. There does seem to be a belief - certainly in the initial stages of placement - that once the attachment issues are sorted out then everything will be hunky dory. Seems to ignore the fact that there may well be a host of other underlying conditions that no-one tells you about.In my opinion adopters need to be properly supported early in placement. And I don't think that happens. Didn't with me anyway. I also think that we expect too much of ourselves. I fondly imagined that I would fall instantly in love with each of my children - and that they would with me. And it's not always like that and when it isn't then that makes us feel bad. And if we feel wobbly then you can bet that your child will pick up on that.I'm trying not to generalise or speak for anyone else ... but we invest so much time, energy and emotion into actually having our very much wanted children then maybe there's a risk of seeing placement too much from our point of view and not enough from the child's point of view. We wanted this. They may not have.

Aboutyounow I don't think I was being harsh as I have replied to some of these posts supporting them and telling them that things will get better. What worries me lately, is the number of new adopters who seem to be really struggling and they appear to not be getting any help. I am not having a go at them, just voicing my concerns that they are being left to get on with it.When I adopted my two DD's 10 years ago (aged 1&2) I too was overwhelmed by the fact that I could not do anything, even go to the toilet, without a child on my lap and another one attached to my leg. I didn't have any family here in this country to help me, no loving Granny to help me out, so basically we had to get on with it ourselves and we did. The boards weren't around then and we struggled through. The difference was I expected it to be hard and it was,so I wasn't surprised in the least. Yes it is something you read about before hand and until your children are placed you have no idea just how hard it is going to be and how relentless to be around needy children 24/7 and no one can pepare you for that, but this is where I am saying more support should be put into place at the beginning of placement so the adopters do not become overwhelmed and consider disuption because they feel they have been abandoned by everyone. That was the purpose of this thread, to discuss how they can be helped in the early days, not to cast doubts on their ability to cope, that was not my intention at all and I am sorry that you read my post as critizm.

I think it is about expectations. Mine were certainly too high. Luckily my DH had more realistic expectations and was very supportive of me. When I talk to anyone considering adopting I always tell them to lower their expectations of what they think it will be like. Prepare for the worst and then it can only get better - hopefully. I don't think we were well enough prepared, despite the reading etc. We promised ourselves that we wouldn't give up on the children once they were placed with us and I think that kept us going when, frankly, I would have loved to have sent them back!

I have to agree with some of the harder to say points made- the idea of early disruption based on the huge reactions to new placements with - as said - limited support systems is just horrifying.We had no idea of early disruption until our sw explained it! It came as a shock to us, we had to unpack the idea of trying on children and seeing if they would fit - which is how the social worker explained how some see things and it was more common than we even began to realise- there is no get out clause for when you give birth and things are dire- and they can be and are- yet as part of the process we did discuss the get out clause pre adoption order and it was grim. This is about traumatised children- and the challenge of early placement should not be underestimated and the huge impact it has - the support parents need during this time is massive and I think JMK makes an excellent point in that not enough prep or support is happening and it adds another layer to an already stressful part of the process. X

I'm not sure whether it's a trend, or whether people are a bit more open about expressing their struggles. Either way, I agree that these boards should be required reading for prospectives, particularly for approved prospective adopters. And for those who don't want to read them regularly at the very least to know of their existence and that there is a very very useful and effective "search" facility on these boards, will open up a world of useful info.As there's another thread with lots of contributions today all about what to wear at approval panel (endorsed by the SW giving her 2p worth about the prospective adopters' potential outfit), I'd love, just love someone at approval panel to not only ridicule the apparent importance placed on dress code in the scheme of adoptive things, but also to have the courage to push for a commitment from the panel to provide what I consider essentials to help ensure the best chance possible for a placement to work out succesfully for all concerned:a) an AUK buddy for the first few months of placement b) positive support from ss, including offer of outreach workers where there are sibling placements, to enable 1:1 time with each childc) ss funded cleaner for those first few months particularly for sibling placements - couple of hours a week - ensuring your time is spent as much as possible being available for kids rather doing even basics of cleaning etcd) names and numbers/emails of 3 local adopters who are happy to be informal contact points - and who you might be able to meet up with ideally before placement. Once approved, I think it would also help if prospective Adopters were encouraged (or compelled!) to get in touch with local coffee groups (AUK do have a list of them, plus regional names appear in the AUK magazine Adoption Today). If they attend at least a couple of coffee mornings, they will have made initial contact before the s hits the fan. New adopters will then have a far more effective, useful, support network than whatever they put down on paper x years ago. There are pockets of helpful people / services / experiences which adopters need to be able to access, so they should set this up before children are placed. Adopters sometimes are encouraged to talk to preparation groups early on in the approval process. Approved adopters, ie those soon, hopefully, to be placed with children, need to have the opportunity to hear more about what those first few months are likely to be like, both highs and lows, shortly before it happens.These boards are excellent, but at least as useful is face to face contact with other local adopters - which also provides a realistic possiblity of childminding with far fewer headaches than if other friends / family do it (as other adopters are far more likely to "get it" and not be phased by tricky behaviours, and not be overly cuddly etc with your newly placed child). In those first intensive months, the chance of any form of respite is a massive plus.So, yes jmk, I think you've raised an important point, one that could get worse if the process gets speeded up without proper care. There needs to be a greater awareness of the useful and effective support which actually is / can be relatively easily made available. So, any prospectives reading this - it is probably going to be at least as good and at least as bad as you imagine - but tap into local help and networks early on to give yourself the best chances.Blueberry2

I think what would help is just to know that whatever you're feeling and whatever your child is feeling, it's not unusual. When I struggled to bond with my baby son I felt terribly guilty. What sort of horrible person was mostly what I felt when newly placed was sheer terror and panic about how I was going to get through the day. That and, well, boredom. My old life had come to an end, I've given up work, I wasn't free to come and go as I pleased, our finances were reduced. And then I had this little person who alternately clung to me and rejected me. No-one told me that this was normal. No-one told me that actually it was okay not to feel love immediately.By the time my daughter was placed 5 years later I felt more comfortable about the fact that I didn't immediately love her. That I found her hard work. And when I struggled with three children - two of whom were still in nappies - I knew then I wasn't abnormal. I didn't worry that the bond was taking a long time because I had confidence that eventually it would come and that it was okay to fake it until I could make it. I knew it was going to be hard - as it turned out it's been even harder than I imagined given that two now have additional needs. But it's just become 'normal' life .... and if I need advice, need to rant .... then I know that I will be supported here.

I agree with Donatella, these boards should be compulsory reading for all prospective adopters. Seriously!Our prep course was fairly good, but I feel should have been longer/more detailed. I also feel adopters need MUCH more support once the children are placed -especially in the early stages. Once the reality of parenting traumatised children hits you, you need someone to hold your hand and guide you through. To tell you that you're doing a great job, that these types of behaviours are to be expected, to take one day at a time etc.I think often the realities of adoption don't match our hopes, dreams and expectations. I found things really hard for a long time. I am finally finding things a little easier knowing that doing my best for my children is good enough. Also, that my children are doing their very best and I shouldn't try to 'mould' them but accept them for who they are, this includes accepting (though not always liking) their weird and wonderful behaviours.I've taken the pressure of myself and it feels a whole lot better. Still have my dark days, but not so often anymore. Hugs to anyone who is feeling very low.

Thanks Madrid glad you understood where I was coming from. The last thing I want to do is add to new adopters problems. I was trying to highlight how much more help they need to get them through the early scary days.When I adopted years ago, I was lucky that we had a very pro-active Auk group on my doorstep and I'd attended many meetings BEFORE my LO's were placed. I had already made some friends with adopters before my girls came home and they were invaluable to me when I was having doubts about my ability to cope with my two demanding clingy LO's. I too may not have survived if it hadn't been for them. We also had an Auk contact list where the people on it agreed to be contacted if you need to speak to, or meet up with another adopter. This in my opinion is what is lacking at the moment. The boards are great for support, but they are not quite the same as seeing a friendly face across the room and having a chat and a coffee.Adoption can be very isolating, especially once the novelty of the childen being placed wears off and your support network disappear back to their jobs etc. Having a sympathetic ear of someone who has been there and worn the T-shirt is invaluable, which is why I am surprised that Auk don't organise a voluntary contact list to put adopters in touch with other adopters in their area.I tried to do this earlier in the year, but they deleted my thread on grounds of security, despite everything being done by pm. People need human contact as well as cyber support and it is very thin on the ground once people realise that your children are "different" or displaying extra needs.I know Auk have an authorised "Buddy System", but you have to be trained, and also it is not available in every area, so if you don't have anyone near you then you are very much alone.

I understand where you are coming from jmk and im a newly placed adopter. And agree with the lack of support, nothing prepares you for this, but the lack of support or rather none after placement. I felt I couldn't go to ss and went about it in another way, and still even after being told by ss to ask for help and be honest, i've still got no where and basically left to get on with it!!!!!And I agree with just to be told how you feel is normal in the early days rather than feeling guilty and abnormal.It's shocking to be left to get on with it!

the boards are great for support aswell, but I urge to be careful using them for posting how they really feel. I got completely stung on here!

just to add I think it's a lovely idea to get support from sw, but when adopters have asked for support pre-adoption order, they have sometimes (and I don't have any stats) had the children removed and even if this isn't true for most, the fear of loosing our son meant I would NEVER have asked for help from SS - I couldn't get rid of our lovely SW quick enough and never saw our son's SW once intros were over - she went on sick leave, and I was relieved not to have the stress of her visits!We were very ill prepeared and attachment wasn't even mentioned, but we were given an adopter's name to contact by our sw and in turn we gave our names to the sw's next adopters, but apart from sending the next adopter a list of local suitable places and having a thank you card, we've had no contact.I do think having an independent group, supported by SS if possible would help, but I think many of those struggling might feel like me that if they are seen to be not coping, then the children will be taken away and that fear is huge!

I couldn't agree more jmk. I am not critising newly placed adopters just totally shocked at, what seems to be, the total lack of preparation and support in those first few exhausting, emotional months. I know the reality is always going to be different but I really think more could be said or done at these groups. I recall 3 adoptive parents coming in to speak to us and even they only spoke of everything being great...even the ones who had adopted older children.I can honestly say I am not sure how I managed at the beginning as we where left to get on with it and hadn't found AUK then We where told how lucky we where to have two beautiful boys and all they needed was love, patience and firm bounaries.......doesn't even scratch the surface of what many of our children need and does not mention at all how the adoptive parents are going to feel. I spent months feeling guilty because I didn't love my eldest who was aggressive and violent at 4 years old. I didn't know it was quite normal to feel like this and could have saved myself many nights of tears and worry. I like the idea of an AUK buddy, as I have said before on here, there are no support groups in my areaSM xx

I hated reading these boards at first- they traumatised me- then it slowly sunk in then it became more supportive - and informative- and has given me a better voice for arguing for my easy to place lo who was passive and has a bundle of very hard to spot issues! Very clear issues once you have read up from other adopters and their experiences- these boards vary - but are straight and to the point- and give essential information for the rose tinted adopters who think they'll be different, they will fix things and are encouraged by sw to believe that for them there are easy to place children out there... These boards say it as it is and it's hard and amazing and not for the easily scared! X

I agree FIM, I think that's why new adopters need contact with experienced adopters because,until the AO goes through they are still LAC and the adopters are still kind of under inspection. This is where a buddy system could help - ie just someone to talk to without being judged or assessed. We all have our doubts and worries, but apart from on here, there is no other way of expressing them without the worry that your newly place children may be taken away. Not an ideal situation.

yes, you're right a buddy schme could work, but I never contacted the buddy whose name I was given by SW and so think it needs to be both more proactive with a range of adopters meeting prospective adopters during prep groups - we only met one who had opted for special needs children, and was 'loving it'but also to be more hands of from SS as any whiff of 'not coping' was just too scary to share

I don't think you were harsh JMK. I nearly posted something similar myself a few days ago. I also think its alarming how many people talk about the new families as their little 'princesses'' etc and of being frustrated by the matching process and the children 'coming through the system'. Some people seem to forget that for a child to come through the system they have had a pretty poor start to life and some of them have been through the most horrendous experiences and they did not get to this place just so we could fufil our desire for a family. Its the families for children not children for families thing.I have had great SWs but I think the prep course was woefully inadequate. What can you really do in 4 days except skim the surface ? I think I was as prepared as I could be but only because I'd spent 4 years reading these boards. Simba is a beautiful child, I would not be without him for the world, even though he's just kicked me in the head again, but I know that he is very anxious just now and what matters is my commitment to him, we just have to get through this and like JMK I expected it to hard and so am actually at times pleasantly suprised that the good times I have with Simba far outweigh the bad.As a relatively new adopter what support would I like - there not to be a waiting list so I can get Simba the theraputic help he needs now when intervention might just prevent future issues. I'd like the tax credits application process not to be so ridiculous. I am lucky in that I get a fairly generous adoption allowance which will enable me to return to work on a part time basis so I can give Simba what he really needs which is my time.I think all adopters should be appropriately financially supported, dont have a problem with means testing, but if someone has to give up work to support a child, then we shoudlnt have to be worrying about the mortgage as well. I also think all adoptive children should be entitled to have appropriate assesments at the request of parents and appropriate support at school.I'd also like to echo something I saw in another post recently, that families with birth children with difficulties also have to fight damn hard for their kids to get the support they need.