Archived Forums

Congratulations!! You are doing the right thing spending lots of one to one time. In our experience that was very valuable all the way through (BD is now 18 and AS 13). Our AS was 4 when he arrived so in some ways it will be easier for you to make a big fuss of your BS without your little one noticing (for the time being!) The other thing IMHO just accept any negative feelings your son expresses now or in the future. He is entitled to express them (to you I mean), Our daughter used to write. She sent us a letter once which was heartbreaking and she wrote a poem. She also at one point did a newspaper which included the headline 'Adopted boy said to be 'CUTE' but is it true?' (That was in response to people outside the family saying how cute he was....only we knew that he would spit at us, amongst other behaviours) She has also kept a diary on and off for many years. Of course I don't know what's in that! Anyway an outlet for his feelings is good. Just listen if he says he hates her and wants you to send her back or whatever. One time my daughter told me that a friend of hers said to her 'Dash [my online name for him] is sort of your brother isn't he?' She replied 'He IS my brother'. She gets very angry when she hears of any injustice or bullying or whatever that has happened to him. But at the same time she will moan about him and it has been tough for her. Your story will different of course. Enjoy your family :-)

Another thought is you may find you parent them separately because of the age gap. By the way, its a nice gap you have IMHO. However with them being at different stages you may find you do a lot of separate things. We have older BCs and there's 10 and 7 years between them and our DD and then another 5 between BD and Dash. So we might get a babysitter so we could do something in the evening with the older 2. like go to a film that was too old for the younger ones. We used to watch her choice of boxed sets with DD after Dash was in bed (like the entire set of Poirot) It meant DH and I didn't really have an evening together but still, needs must. So that sort of thing. Like most things in adoption, on the surface it may seem normal but actually more extreme ('you do things with your children separately....so??) Actually it was essential and more intentional IYKWIM.

Agree with above. Give him lots of your time. I know people want to see baby but when they come in, but direct them to say hello and spend some time with your older child FIRST. Baby won’t mind but your older child will notice Good age gap IMO.

Correct people if they say things like "aren't you lucky to have a sister" to "your sister is lucky to have you as a brother" As he is 5 years something similar

Top tip - talk to the baby very enthusiastically about how amazing her big brother is and how lucky she is to have him - and how he is going to show her all sorts of cool things when she's old enough ...... but do it as if your BS isn't there - so he thinks he's overheard you talking privately to the baby. AD will love the enthusiasm in your voice and eye contact so it's a win win, if you turn around I bet you will see your BS smiling :-) You could also offer to snuggle him with a baby bottle too - just in private - can tell him all your lovely memories of doing that with him as a baby. My BS was 5 when baby placed and he wanted to be bottle fed after a couple of weeks - but only did it twice then he decided it was for babies! But he had that control to decide, and knew he was just as important. They have a 5 year age gap and have spent years playing together, they are so close. The dynamics are changing now as he has his puberty and is more irritated by her, but the bond is there and rock solid. Perfect age gap.