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Totally agree PT, I would be sad if anyone thought otherwise.

It's not black and white. For some children adoption will be part of the bad parts. For many others it will be a good thing. In essence adoption means a stable loving family home. For many children this will help them to deal with the bad parts.For some this adds to the trauma as they cannot deal with a loving family environment. Even within this context though does the adoption cause more damage to the child or is it actually just damage to the adoptive parents and siblings?

good point sajahat times my adoptees have caused trauma to us and each other but they have also enabled us to develop skills, support networks and a degree of resilience we would not have known we possessed if we had not had to face the many challenges which we continue to weather together

Adoption is about losing and adoption is about gaining.Equally I would think.

for Madrid

Madrid - I'm with you on this.filmbuff

For me, adoption is the 'great part'. It's dd's past experience prior to her adoption that causes the 'bad parts'.However, I was shocked last night when dd and I were discussing a subject she's doing at school. As part of this, she's decided to do a project about why adoptions is bad. Shocked? Because I thought she was happy to be adopted. Happy to be with me!She explained herself. She sees adoption as being a bad thing because it means she had to be taken away from her old family. And she's rather that not have happened. Not because she doesn't want to be with me (she does). Not because she's not happy with me (she is). Not because she wouldn't choose to be with me if there was a choice between me or her old family (she'd choose me) - but because if she wasn't adopted, if she hadn't needed to be adopted, then she would never have experienced all the things she experienced. She'd still be with her old family, and not be living with the memories and feelings - uncontrollable reactions to smells, sounds etc that are instinctive reactions and totally different to those of all her friends.Dd is happy. She's settled. She loves me. I love her. But she still sees adoption as being one of the bad things - because it makes her feel different.As her parent, it's still the good thing though - because it means I have dd as my daughter!

Sorry for the typos above. How I hate not being able to edit!

Adoption is an identity my children didnt chooseSo they might feel anti adoptionBut They don'tI've always been honest and as straightforward as I dare with them about their bfDoing our best to show respect and understanding yet not saying this makes it alrightEven then my 2 still look at their bf books and hate their bfBut then feel difficult about that feelingIt's messy isn't it?

I once told my son that I wished his birth parents had taken care of him and kept him safe, it was a chat about me wishing I could take away the pain and sadness, wishing the negative things hadn't happened etc. He immediately looked worried and said "if they had taken care of me I would never be with you, and that would be horrid!". At the age of 7 or 8 his view was that I was the one he wanted to be with, his past led him to being with me, but its me he wanted. I know this will change lots as the years progress. But, despite enduring a lot of trauma and loss which we acknowledge, at this stage of our journey adoption has been a good thing for my son. Who knows how he will feel in two years, four years etc. He's already in a different place/position from the position with BP's and FC's.

AD did feel angry (not quite sure how she feels now) about being adopted. In her idealistic mind, she feels had she not been adopted everything would have been wonderful, had lots of friends, been really good academically, got a good job etc etc. In reality I'm not sure it really would have made any difference - unfortunately nature didn't deal her a good hand to start with. She also felt cheated having missed out on birth family as had no contact with older sibs, birth mum/dad).She is now in contact with birth mum and older birth sibs via fb, and does now feel a sense of belonging, sort of finding her roots so to speak.However, with emotional problems of which there are many, she doesn't share/discuss with birth mum or sibs, as I guess they are strangers. Even though she is in her early 20's she still sees us as her emotional and physical carers. She also now realises 'a mum' is a lot more than just a name or title! She has learn about family units and responsibility, which I hope she will be able to carry on into raising her family one day.

Fehrscaper - you hit the nail on the head for me, it is all so bittersweet

About 6 months after my girls had been taken into care (WAAAY before any thought that we would become a family...!) the subject of 'what would you ask for if you could have anything you wanted' came up. ED said 'for my Dad to come back, my Mum to stop drinking and that we could all live together and be happy.'We were talking more recently about possibly being able to get in contact with her father, and she asked me if I would let her go and live with her father and his family if they wanted her.I didn't answer directly but said that it lovely if her father's family did want to be involved in her life, and that I would be very happy if she could get to know them. But that it would be sad if she went to live with them all the time (they are the other side of the country) as then she wouldn't live with her sister (different father), and her sister and I would miss her very much. From her reaction I could see it had never occurred to her that her fantasy family couldn't include her little sister (who she loves very much). And in fact, her parents have never lived together, and she hasn't seen or spoken to her father since she was a pre-schooler - she can't remember him. So she doesn't want to just lose the bad bits (her mother's neglect and abandonment starting when she was 6/7) but to change the reality of her family life even before then while her mother was coping.So it is lots more than adoption or the circumstances leading to her adoption that she feels she has lost. But many children grow up without knowing their father. At what point does it become an 'adoption' loss instead of a 'life sucks' loss?I don't know!PS She is also convinced she doesn't need to do maths because she is going to become a famous actress... but isn't sure that she wants to bother with drama classes...