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Camp Nide filing late evening report. Nide on operation "paper chains" tonight in relay fashion with the accompaniment of festive tunes. Having been given the option to come up and make them, Defiant refused when suggested and then came up and made a fuss of the fact that she hadn't "been able" to make them (because we hadn't let her) after about 20 mins. Errr? So then she made them and complained that we hadn't helped her. Err - they are paper chains with the sticky bits already available and she is 15. Hey ho, error on the parts of EN1 and 2, obviously. MAP meeting (Multi-agency Planning) interesting. All to do with sexual exploitation rather than Defiant's other issues (although they came up, because you can't dissociate one from the other, really). ENs 1 and 2 attended, were heard (to be fair) and then weren't allowed to hear the outcome. Hey ho. Apparently there is a scale of 1 -3 with 1 being low risk and 3 being high of sexual exploitation but we have to wait for SS to get back to us with their multi-agency assessment. Not the end of the world as at least people are seeing that she is in danger and vulnerable. Puppy non-Agent has excelled herself and, with none of that white stuff available outside, has created a Santa's grotto of fake snow in the bathroom; it even eddies, like real snow, when you walk in and out. It is quite impressive. It is also a toilet roll down on the budget for Nide - food parcels available anyone? We hadn't catered for this. Benign has his school Xmas lunch tomorrow and his dead excited. Big break through on the Benign socialisation front today - "friendly fire" from other child who did saliva maneuvers at wet play today. Instead of retaliating, Benign walked away and found an adult ... You can not believe how proud I was of his - his instinct is to fight back but he didn't. something, somewhere is going right. Nide, over and out.

Good evening, waving flags from the turrets to other camps under fire Arf partridge has declared himself unfit to attend anywhere. En1 finding herself struggling without the bovine excrement meter to explain what arf is saying along the truthfulness scale. En2’s battletank has after 8 yrs rebelled and refused to start. Cavalry grandparents were smoke signalled as en1s battletank was called into service for ‘the greater good’ The not so cavalry grandparents (En2) division collected Pip from boot camp. They are local but grumped no end about the frequent occurance of other non arflets and battletanks. Muttered and grrring at the dreadful imposition to Pip has made En1 code cross. En2 is not v impressed either. However, the En2 family has handy knight in shining armour. This knight is a person of mechanical genius. He ascertained the battletank requires a ‘new battery’ magical ‘jump leads’ applied via the mystery of torch light and driveway scramble to enable quest to store (aka Halfords) to purchase battery of desire. Much celebration in the orchard on the successful return to a battletank.

Nide filing last report of the day. All camp members accounted for. Dead and injured total = 0, so far. Hunkered down = 3; pending = 1. Success for Nide tonight = circa 80%. Comedic moment (almost): Defiant brings cake home from Food Tech specifically for her and Benign, apparently. Defiant does the slicing and gives herself 75% by volume and Benign 25%. OK. It's her cake ... Defiant insists that EN2 tries it first ... His comment "this is a truly delicious chocolate cake, Defiant!" just doesn't seem to go down too well. Oh my word, EN2 tries so hard. Trouble is that it was a cinnamon cake ... Defiant went ballistic ... But, as reported, no fatalities in Nide Base so far tonight. Have just been making a few supplementary lists to the lists that I've made already to made Operation Xmas some sort of success. I feel a little bit queasy and think that it is time to go and lie down. Nide, out.

Camp Hundred Acre Wood reporting in. All very oddly quiet in camp tonight. AS on operation Beaver sleepover so camp consists of canine non-agent and EN1. EN1 commencing operation festive wrapping. So strange to have camp almost to myself enjoying the peace but looking forward to return of agent and normal camp activities tomorrow. Hundred Acre Wood signing out for the night.

En1 sentry report from deep within the trenches. Rumbles from ARF partridge in no mans land have been detected. Even cavalry grandparents suspect clandestine action on arf front. Sought immediate assistance from local intelligence which informed the orchard that he is most definitely avoiding camp and is code ‘up to something’ En1 broke cover and decided to smoke signal Agent in no mans land. Brace position for heavy volley of fire. Arf Agent has something to discuss with ENs. Suspect somehow the endless porky pies, poor self worth, dreadful gf and lack of hygiene plus crippling emotional troubles from his ‘camp of origin’ May be at the base of this latest wobbling Trouble is as a younger agent, En1 and En2 could scoop him up, wash him, sort things out, get to the bottom of things and help him. Now he is officially an adult arf none of the previously used ARF Handling instructions remain. Agent will lie to ENs faces and dig himself further and further into bother until EN1’s mum radar picks up that there’s a big problem! We will discover the depths of arf partridges foray into no mans land in a day’s time In the meantime En1 and Pip have done some carol singing and hearty gllooorias and shepherds watching filled the orchard and the nearby dwellings. Delighted to hear that hundred acre camp are on an all night pass and hope they thoroughly enjoy it. Very pleased to receive news that camp mode and the skirmish ‘cake battle’ was resolved without serious injury En1 is going to attempt sleeping in bunker now, mind whirring about the level and type of ARF partridges current battle situation with poor intelligence from unreliable witness’ is not conducive to slumber but will try :)

Apologies for inaccurate reporting Nide appears to be mode on pear trees communication device It seems the ARF have infiltrated AUK and stolen the ‘edit’ button

Early sentry report from camp creative, festive break from boot camp has commenced, agent Sticky is over the moon and is full of excitement. EN1 is on camp duty this week so has arranged activities of either ecclesiastical type, meeting with other ARF members or theatre type. EN1 is suffering with chest infection and only being able to sleep for 3 hours without waking up, I believe this will lead to me being grumpy by the end of the weekend. Today’s plans will either see agent really happy or in melt down, ENs are hoping for the former and planning for the latter. Also agent has again being raiding the MESS so all special festive food has been hidden where possible and resupplying has been scheduled for close to big day. Operation presents in paper will be commencing tonight after agent retires to bunk room, this will be done whilst consuming festive pies and alcohol. Camp creative signing off as agent is heading for MESs.

Camp Grockle reporting Both Agents at basecamp, Agent N sulking in bunker as had had 'bust up' with so called friend in local town today. Expect all will be resolved shortly as Agent currently on telephonic device to said 'friend' Agent K has commemced festive break from bootcamp and is currently tidying up bunker!!!!! EN1 impressed but slightly annoyed as it involved unwanted items being dumped on MESS room table just as EN1 was trying to serve rations! Both EN's wondering why the unusual activity is occuring... could it be that Agent K is actually growing up... or is it of short-lived duration? EN1 has hard hat to hand in case of spontaneous combustion by Agent K after all this 'helping'! Camp grockle has had a visitor for the last few days, an old friend of EN's from up-country (anywhere is 'up' from this far west!) so Agents have been on mostly best behaviour, apart from Agent N who spent part of the night on his telephonic device and made so much noise he kept said guest awake in the next door bedroom! EN's were grateful for the respite as both Agents are usually better if anyone else is here. Unfortunately the festive decorations at Camp grockle have not progressed very far, EN1 is about to get out the mulled cider and pour a glass to get more into the spirit of things, EN2 is currently writing Christmas greeting cards so EN1 had better go and help! Camp Grockle please to hear of return to full fitness of Pip of the orchard and of the return to duty of the Orchard battletank. Will hope for peace of mind for Orchard EN's with regard to Agent Partridge. Camp grockle over and out

Met camp suffering under heavy fire; cavalry called in and helped create some sense of order amongst the chaos. Further non arf reinforcements needed for remaining festive season.

Nide sending soft fluffy clouds of hope and love to Met in abundance. Go look outside ... Nide, over.

Good evening all camps Arf partridge is back in his nearby barracks having dumped large trauma load at orchard camp His rumblings in no mans land are to do with something to do with paid expeditions. Apparently Agent has not been attending as much. Further antics of ENDLESS PORKY PIES plus wobbly actions in no mans land have lead to various mines being on the horizon and Agent is scared he will set them all off. Further. Agent was open to hearing (shocking I know) En1 suggestion he sees high level brainwasher to help him sort his early trauma that continually causes many short term memory problems. In the meantime various decorations of festive variety have appeared in correct positions around the orchard. Pip still is code ‘not 100%’ and has noted the leaky trauma of agent and has been code grumpy and wingey. En1 would like a naughty princesses tower to send young Pip to explore. Ideally for a couple of hours.... Mission to slightly cavalry grandparents (in law division) and friendly comrades en2s family offspring around very damp and cold local house of national trust interest and rations from local pub. En1 would rather stick pins in her eyes. However. At least it’s not just in laws, it is friendly family offspring and so diversionary tactics sound possible at least. Sending warm duvets to hide under in Met camp and sturdy brollies. Encouraging waves of flags from turrets

Camp Nest reporting in - well actually EN1 reporting in from Code Sleepover with 12 non ARF Brownies. Remarkably it seems like most are asleep before the witching hour although were threatened with court martial by fellow officer if they played up after lights out. All officers sleeping in same room as Brownies so little chance of getting away with it. Back in basecamp EN2 has apparently coped with Agent Sqk as there have been no smoke signals up the Hill. The agent still has another 4 days at boot camp till festive leave commences. EN1 however has sort of commenced hers although she has to go into place of paid expeditions on Tuesday. Both ENs had a night away from basecamp last night at EN2’s code ‘work party’. Cavalry Granny had Sqk for night while ENs spent night out of camp. EN1 predicts that she will be most grateful to return to normal facilities tomorrow night.

camp ham fears eminent attack from ARF dd. A kind soul has taken her due to inclement weather but it is just around the corner from the camp. So suspect shenanigans soon .lets hope kind soul children don't get hurt in the crossfire. ds2 will need to be made aware of her location and he is sure to react negatively to that. i believe i can hear renditions of carols being sung at the orchard i need some Christmas cheer. hope all camps have a peaceful sunday.

Sending a warm mince pie and a hot cuppa to all camps in need. Extra rations to camp Ham under siege by very upsetting dd action with local nitwit.

Right, it is almost Christmas and for a few days hostilities cease from the SCUM as they are all on leave from their ivory towers. Hurrah! However, the ARF have been known to find the festive season code ‘tricky’ So comrades please join me in adjusting our Yuletide songs. On the first day of Christmas my Agents said to me: mum I did a big wee On the second day of Christmas my Agents gave to me: 2 snotted hankies On the third day of Christmas my Agents gave to me: 3 piles of laundry On the fourth day of Christmas my Agents showed to me: 4 scratches on the telly On the fifth day of Christmas my Agents wrote for me: 5 rude songs to sing On the 6th day of Christmas my Agents flooded me: 6 turned on taps ..... Any more? Feel free to complete the 12 days or record your own for rousing choral efforts to make a lovely song book :)

on the seventh days of Christmas my agents screamed at me :f**k offyou twat. on the eight day of Christmas the agents shouted: mum i feel sick on the ninth day of Christmas the agents surprised me with a visit from the cops

on the tenth day of Christmas my (brainy) agent said to "I'm going to be a tattoo artist"

On the eleventh day of Christmas my agents gave to me ''11 mouldy items from under Agents bed'

On the fifth day of Christmas my small one gave to me "five golden tears". Nide reports that small one, Benign, is struggling with EN1's proposed external manoeurveres for an overnight paid operation staying in hotel type bunker next week (that sounded a bit like prostitution but, for anyone getting excited or agitated, it isn't - just EN1 going to do end of year reviews for her lovely team members and having, as a consequence, to stay in a hotel). EN1 has been on operations many times before; Benign has never been in tears. Big tears tonight. I'm thinking of taking Benign with me and telling school to "stuff it" and that Benign won't be in till Thursday (I will tell them why, too). EN2 wants to "review" tomorrow morning. Nide, over and out.

On the twelth day of Christmas my agent gave to me- Twelve porky pies