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It’s saturday and currently the orchard is in emergency mode ‘Pip of the snots’ has had a code ‘blazing fever’ on and off for several days, she is currently ‘Pip at the emergency docs.’ En2 is taking 10yr old in his battletank to the local MASH out of hours service as attempts by ENs to quell internal blaze have only had limited success. En1 is waiting to hear smoke signal from En2 about how long the wait is In the meantime, En1 peartree has been soothed by missives from other camps on the ARF log. Suggest ‘coping juice’ is dispatched to all alcohol appreciative camps and hot alcohol free bevvies for the others. En1 has of course invited arf partridge to the annual ‘decking the bows’ afternoon, TOMORROW. It occurs with current medical emergency with Pip it might not be the usual time and arf partridge really needs routine with capital R at this time of year in particular Appreciate all comrades thoughts and messages to celestial division at current challenging moment in orchard camp.

Message to celestial division request received and acted on. Best wishes to all in Camp Orchard , Especially pip. Camp penguin in peaceful mod as arf1 on work manoeuvres and arf2 on code " sleepover" ENs off duty now and enjoying mulled beverage.

Message sent to celestial division on behalf or orchard camp, hope pip of the snot is feeling better soon. Festive decorations have been placed around creative camp, the appearance of wet white stuff outside of the camp has meant the agent stick has been outside getting cold and wet whilst EN1 enjoyed a hot cup of tea and toast. Ecclesiastical manovers this afternoon have been cancelled due to level of white stuff and lack of heating in meeting place. EN2 has agreed agent Sticky could go and complete outdoor exercise with non ARF agents, EN1 hates these events as agent Sticky has little social skills and will cause problems. More hot tea anyone.

Camp Nide reporting in. Plenty of that white stuff here in East London. EN1 on a mission currently to guide Agent Defiant back in to Basecamp after code "sleepover" - cab booked but with lots of caveats from company of the "if it gets worse then ..." variety. No other forms of transport seem to be available in the great Metropolis. Buses, Tube, and seemingly everything else on a go-slow or suspended completely. EN1 refuses point blank to mobilise vehicular transport in adverse weather conditions on the grounds that she might crash and kill us all. However, EN1 can report that Agent Defiant requested trip to hairdresser with EN1 (who had to cancel own appointment for today due to camp members missing in action). Action previously unheard of because Defiant has 1. has stoutly refused to get a clipping for, literally, years and 2. Defiant has often commented that "I don't want to spend any time with you!". EN1 at a slight loss of what to make of this but is "going with the flow" and trying to book a double appointment at the clippers for after school later in the week. EN2 and Agent Benign currently out shopping for festive gifts for EN1 (on their bikes). Whilst EN1 appreciates the sentiment she seriously wishes that they had listened to EN1's words of wisdom along the lines of "I'd prefer no presents than presents purchased whilst in danger from the elements". EN1 was told "not to be so wet; it will be an adventure" or words to that effect. EN1 unconvinced by this but, yet again, is going with the flow. EN1 on high anxiety alert but trying to tell herself not to be so stupid. Nide also reports that Puppy non-Agent K9 is perplexed and bewildered by that white stuff whilst being curiously drawn to it. Frantic bursts of activity followed by the seeming need to have a little lie down in bunk. Non-Agents of the feline variety are taking the opportunity to catch up on a bit of shuteye in the hope that it will all go away. More insubordination on the mince pie front from EN2 and Benign last night. EN1 has decided to turn a blind eye and appreciate the boy-bonding aspects of this exercise. Nide sending best wishes to Orchard with the hope that the snotty one will be back on active service very soon. Nide unable to send messages to celestial division due to lack of belief therein but recognises and respects the beliefs of other camps and hope that said messages have the desired effect. Nide, over and out.

Arf2 at camp penguin just signalled in request for transportation device driven by EN2 to collect from code " sleepover" as East London is not the only part of the U.K. to be on lockdown. ( it's a lovely dry sunny day here, if extremely cold) No trains on line till tomorrow. According to my father in three months deep snow in late 1940's , the trains all kept running. Now it only seems to take a few hours of freeze , wind or snow, and everything to grind to a halt. Steam train anyone !

Camp Nide filing interim report. All camp members checked back in at basecamp and relative calm at Camp Nide right now. EN1 off high anxiety and calmly managed to snort (by accident) perfume sample that EN2 brought back from purchase facilities. Anyone remember the advice from years ago that you shouldn't squirt perfume on to you but should squirt into air and blithely run into the vapour? This is what EN1 attempted to do. I do not recommend it to anyone over the age of 30. Camp members other than EN1 and felines A and M departed on maneuveres codenam "walk the puppy" with whispered strictures from EN2 that "this will be a short one". EN1 understands and doesn't really care the length or breadth of maneuveres but just hopes that same calm resumed at conclusion to perambulations. The elements have decided to be kind at East London base and that white stuff has stopped falling, is now melting and, with luck, by tomorrow no one will believe that it was ever here. Having said that it is pretty dark outside, considering that it is only a quarter past four. I take on entirely camp Penguin's point - it is recognised that snow falls in other parts of the kingdom than East London - however, we so rarely get any snow that everyone is taken totally unawares and makes comments such as "that white stuff falling - what is it?? and what do we do about it??". Hey ho. Nide, over and out.

Weekend manoeuvres successfully completed by camp SWest, despite lengthly unforeseen transport delays. Major battle front opened up over use of long sought-after, newly arrived communications device. Agent Attitude launched a number of salvos in front of allies where camp was established for the weekend. EN1 held firm despite signs of allied camp incomprehension about necessity to establish strong defence lines at early stage in war. While skirmish won, further major outbreaks of hostilities expected before latest battle front contained.

En1 pear tree on late night sentry. Despite much meteorological adornment of the white stuff throughout camps oF the U.K. EN1 regrets to inform company no such exciting white stuff collected on the orchard boughs. Pip of the Snots is still code ‘unwell’ and has a hot bonce. And a hot everything despite reporting being freeezing. But this is a degree less than took her to see the emergency doc yesterday so those who do have a line into celestial division - keep it coming ! However the poorly pip has brought siege mentality to orchard camp. Arf Partridge repotted non attendance do to not feeling too great himself. Trying hard to ignore the faint bleeping of the BS meter. Further day of festive tinsel flinging arranged. Therefore ENs and pip have remained in a propped up position in front of the visual entertainment device for most of the day. K9 and small fuzz ball feline have not enjoyed the ‘blowing a hoolie’ And the freezing rain atmos. Fuzzball attempted nudging kitty access point open and was blown back into orchard mess room. K9 has done the quickest wee on doggy record and rushed himself in as fast as 4 legs could carry him, only later discovering the welcome shelter of the camps springy observation post. Sadly, fuzzball decided further action of ‘tiddle on ENs bunker’ was required and so En2 has grumpily installed inclement weather facilities for small fuzzball. Fuzzball smugly surveying k9 as En1 types

Camp Nest can report a disappointed Agent Sqk as there wasn't enough white stuff up here to build a snowman. It was simply left over from Thursday night and frozen solid by further inclement temperatures. However both ENs relieved that the forecast white stuff fell further south as both had to be at paid expeditions this morning and neither was looking forward to getting in. Agent Sqk managed service part of Beaver Festive Manoeuvres yesterday but then had to be removed by EN2 to safer quarters due to excess noise (from non-ARF Beavers). EN1 was required to remain as a trainee officer for Beavers. No manoeuvres tonight which is a good thing as EN1 has an appointment at the MASH to see what is going on in her hip. This will be following the last code 'lecture' of the semester and Operation Festive Dinner with fellow higher bootcamp officers. The furry members of camp nest - two of the feline variety - have hunkered down indoors - not certain what the young L made of the little white stuff we had but there does seem a lack of 'presents' in the last week. Much to the relief of ENs as EN2 informed EN1 that Agent Sqk was rather interested in the semi disembowelled feline 'present' a fortnight ago.

Camp penguin continues to have a shortage of the white stuff( though plenty on the hills nearby) It was this anomaly together with weather related transport issues in this area, that penguin EN1 was reporting on the other day, while usually drier places got more than their usual share. Glad to hear pip has pepped up slightly. Arf1 presently conducting "private" conversation with girlfriend via wireless headset clearly forgetting that what HE says can be heard by all agents in residence. ARF2 surprisingly cheerful , acknowledged EN1 with greetings as he left for bootcamp this morning. eN2 in grump mode operation due to heating device (aka boiler) failure and EN1 on study duties.

operation decamp of non ARF ds3 to base camp is complete . main living quarters no longer invaded with belongings but other area still need to be decluttered. Non ARf ds3 gf has never had a real Christmas tree this has been rectified by the purchase of one on Saturday and now in situ .Ent dd has sussed operations at base camp and keeps trying to make contact. Possibly being homeless and the inclement weather thinks I will crack and let her home. She is creating fb accounts to blackmail non arf ds3 so may need police back up to protect the base. hope camp calendar has rid itself of the lurgy. ooh dear just noticed it snowing again maybe another snow day tomorrow.good luck everyone

Camp Dance reporting in for the first time..... Camp summary: ARF1 recently moved into Camp Flat and made contact after many months in the wildnerness. Camp Flat MESS was full of furry food, but ENs assisted in removing hazardous waste. ENs hope to assist again, but fear timing as 18th and festivities loom. ARF3 reports poor choices by ARF1. ARF2 camps at Dance Camp and doing OK (in teenage ARF terms) and even showing signs of maturity (EN hoping she isn't speaking too soon). Adulthood looms in 8 days. However, key bootcamp ally leaving and old enemy returning, so watch this space for updates. ARF3 camps in SCUM unit and visited on Saturday - all went well. Wants to return to dance camp but no can do just now. Four Legged Member (FLM) getting bossier in her old age and now refuses to run/cycle with ENs and will run home if any attempt to persuade her to join in occurs. FLM still enjoys walks in hills and ball chasing. ENs surviving....camping in a beautiful part of the world helps! EN2 has a great job he loves with some flexibility and EN1 enjoying the outdoors with FLM and sometimes keeping house! Camp Dance awaiting fall out of next few weeks with two birthdays and then holiday festivities to get through...shortly followed by bootcamp mocks. Merry festivity wishes to all Camps.

Camp creative weather report, plenty of the white stuff here, enough for boot camp to be cancelled today. EN2 left for office at first opputunity, EN1 and Agent tackled some festive baking of the gingerbread kind, then decorated miniature men in festive uniform, the camp snowman got a white stuff guard dog to help with century duty. Agent and EN1 made it to festive dance performance and last dance manover of the year. Camp creative is glad to her pip of the snot is improving, more ecclesiastical murmurings will be said tonight. EN1 has now got a persistent and tickle cough and feels a trip to MASH for breathing meds before It closes for sessional festivities, may be required. EN1 is also watching the horizon for smoke signals from the direction of boot camp to confirm agent is able to attend tomorrow, along with all other agents.

Camp Grockle reporting in Greetings to all hunkered down camps, and especially get well wishes to Pip of the Orchard camp. Unfortunately there is none of 'the white stuff' here in the West, there was some in the air en route to dropping Agent K off at bootcamp transport this a.m. but it was of very short duration. Agents N and K have been looking longingly at the televisual device tonight and bewailing the lack of white stuff. Camp Grockle relatively quiet over the weekend due to Agents decamping to local town ostensibly to 'buy presents' as a 'B & M' store has recently opened, EN1 expects very small amount of spondoolies spent on 'presents' and more spondoolies spent on sweets and beverages of the fizzy variety. EN1 was allowed a day pass to leave Camp Grockle yesterday to attend 'Festive Fair' at town approx 45 miles away with non-ARF friends. EN1 returned much refreshed (visit to Festive Food Fair involved much sampling of locally produced gin, it's only fair to sample them all before making a purchase.. right?) but mood was slightly dampened as Agents started stupid argument over MESS meal which involved, shouting, very bad words and slight slamming of doors. Calm restored as soon as WiFi switched on... The Xbox of desire has been ordered from the online store with the singing boxes. Feline Agent currently in residence next to the AGA we may not have any white stuff but we have had a lot of rain! K9 agents have obviously been in communication with K9 agent at the Orchard camp, the offer of a 'walk' has not produced the usual mad excitement and have been taken with unseemly haste. Equine agents also unimpressed with heavy rain and hurtled in from field this pm, expect mutiny if any of the white stuff dares to fall this far west! Camp Grockle over and out

Camp Nide filing a report of worrying nature ... EN2 missing in action since code name "Christmas party" which started at 11:59 hours today (as in this morning). Message received and understood at 18:00 "when do you think that you might be home?" - "I'm not sure yet". But subsequent messages have met with radio silence. Has EN2 done a runner? Or is he just out having a good time? I'm inclined to think the latter and wish him the best cheer - got to get your kicks where you can, right? If the former then I might be calling for those messages to the celestial ... However, left Agents Defiant and Benign eating supper for FIVE MINUTES (for heaven's sake) and came back to find Benign in tears because Defiant had told him (as far as I can tell) that EN2 (aka "Daddy") isn't coming back and EN1 (aka "Mummy") is going away next week and will never be back. A cute (??) and rather unhealthy spin on events where Benign can't corroborate and can be taunted into whatever state Defiant wants. [Deep sigh]. Visit to Agent Benign's high rise bunker to help him to calm down. Almost all quiet now on the Eastern front - although Benign still not totally settled - EN1 can hear snufflings and tossings. Hey ho - EN1 in for the long haul tonight by the sound of it. However, EN1 eating magic pasta and olive oil from MESS and thoroughly enjoying same. EN1 reports single foot-warming entity as blasted Puppy non-Agent K9 stolen / hidden / buried right foot-warming apparatus (who knows?). I feel court martial for Puppy on the near horizon. Puppy is a kleptomaniac (currently and after a recent clearout Puppy's bunk has 1 x pair of socks - clean; 2 x slippers (Benign's); squeaky toys x several; kindling; half eaten bonio; loo roll inner; 1 x slider (Defiant's); small action figure; tennis ball; oh and a dog). EN1 can report that though there were flurries of that white stuff today none of it settled empirical meteorological report states: cold, dank and rather dreary in East London base. Surely a record, non-Agent M of the feline variety managed 8am - 3pm (7 hours) with only rotational movement. Same chair; same deep sleep - perhaps non-Agent M has heard of bed sores? Nide camp commander thinking of getting some shuteye now as obviously EN2 has either actually done a bunk or is having such a good time that it would be better to hear about it in the morning. Nide, over and out.

FLASH NEWS court martial of Puppy suspended as second foot-warming apparatus found wrapped in bedding in EN1 / 2s' bunker. EN1 secretly relieved. Non-Agents of the feline variety disgusted by turn of events ... Suspect public humiliation was their desired outcome, at the very least. Feline M has resumed his earlier position as a sleepdown protest at this decision. Nide, out

En1 pear tree sentry report. Excitement in the camp as non arf Pip has gone to HER bunker with the hallowed cool bonce of glory! Periodic spiking of internal furnace during the day but the overall picture is improved. At a time of coolness valiant attempt by En1 and Pip to create amazing festive cards with much glitter and shiny pens achieved a number of suitable postal festive articles. Warning. Glitter is now categorised as weapon of mass EN distruction. En2 had noted the glittery dining table and associated rug, he counter attacked with suction device aka HETTY HOOVER. This sent the feline agent into a frenzy who managed operation ‘trip up en In haste to exit via the kitty evacuation flap’ and glitter neuclear cloud fluffed into the air as en landed with a WUMPH! En1 attempted to not giggle. Non arf Pip said ‘bother that cat’ and En2, with slightly pearlesant sheen did look rather amusing. En is encouraged to read messages from other camps and delighted that Ham’s ds4 non arf has at last settled within her camp. Court martial for late En2s having a bevvy or two dismissed as it is the festive season and ENs need to enjoy all the late passes they can get.

Nide sentry's report states that EN2 arrived home at some stupid hour last night or this morning (EN1 finally flaked at around 23:40 hours). Found EN2 in the right place on the other side of the bed when awakened at dawn by radio / animals / small child. On consultation this morning EN2 seems to have had a super time with work colleagues and EN1 pleased with bonding and doubly pleased that EN2 hadn't done a runner. Tomorrow ENs 1 and 2 due to attend MAP (Multi-agency Planning) meeting re Agent Defiant's current predicaments. EN1, at least, isn't looking forward to it. Blasted Puppy non-Agent K9 has now stolen and hidden left foot warming apparatus tonight (right apparatus now restored). I know that she knows that I know that she has done it and I know that she knows that I don't think that it is funny. However, Non-Agent D is pretty damn smart and she does think that it is funny so I, apparently, just have to live with it. One-slipper EN me, for the foreseeable. Nide reports that white stuff to be a total thing of the past - err, what white stuff would that be then? And transport links in the Metropolis seemingly entirely restored. We have a minor relic created by Benign that was the body of a snowman but which didn't head in the right direction - boom boom!! Nide, over and out.

Invasion of camp by arf partridge imminent. Agent of Gangly stature is very clear that it is his role, and his role only to adorn the front of the orchard with illuminations of the twinkly, festive variety. His visit does make En1s midriff wobble with nerves. As necessary, especially at times of very few spondoolies, En2 is at the paid expeditions. So En1 will be in orchard on her own with young Pip. So En1 has instructed Pip that Agent hugs giggles etc are fine. But Agent partridge doesn’t always know the limits of not throwing people about in greeting, so we will be doing various activities for Agent to join in with and then he can do his traditional role of festive glittery prowess. En2 has suggested he repatriates the Bovine Excremenf meter to paid expeditions ir it may spontaneously combust in the vacinity of arf Partridge as he cannot help but leak WHOPPER PORKIES. Then En2 realised his chosen vocational career is in the municipal MASH is not far from the finance and press offices and the BOVINE EXCREMENT meter may be considered a fire hazard and harm vulnerable, optically compromised patients. Would anyone like to borrow BOVINE EXCREMENT meter on temp loan? Well used and robust in all but the most extreme porkies? In the meantime the small fuzzball has endeared herself to En2 by much purr action and stomping on En1 laptop keyboard. He now accepts feline is not in fact the devil incarnate. She sweetly settled onto his lap earlier and all is well with animal Agents. En1 pear tree is also relieved that camp nide’s En2 has not abandoned post and court martial for cowardice in the face of heavy fire, stood down. Further festive adornment of cavalry camp is set for tomorrow afternoon so at least En1 has a time to evacuate arf and Pip via battletank. Suspect arf Agent is keen to attend mainly due to large portion of chippy chips on offer, but also pleased he loves his cavalry, especially cavalry grandpa

Creative camp mid week murmurings. Boot camp meeting was a waste of time, agent sticky is I quote “ignoring instructions from new learning person”. EMs both gave good performances of looking shocked and concerned, Oscars all round. Boot camps approach has no therapeutic value and is more like to explode like WWl ordinance. EN1 and agent enjoyed a trip to sessional theatre performance, plenty of it’s behind you and singing taking place. EN1 was stressed by guide leader who was trying to confuse agent and EN1’s Brownies. Plenty of sugar and pop was consumed and agent was late to bed, ENs feel bootcamp May be getting more than they bargained for today. EN1s breathing problems have developed into chest infection and no voice. EN2 and agent seem please with this development! Camp is glad to hear agent pip is in recovery and hopes this will continue. EN1 off to big smoke for meeting and a spot of lunch with adult drinks.