Archived Forums

Coded communication from creative camp, today has been “nightmare” EN1 took agent Sticky for weekly water related class, having packed agent sticky’s bag last night, on arrival agent stick anounces no water costume in bag. So agent and EN1 returned to camp, EN2 was confused about early return, on entering camp EN1 noticed missing costume on the sofa under pillows. As extra time was now available EN2 suggested agent Sticky could “complete” boot camp extra work “homework” this brought on air raid siren wailing and bunk room door slamming. EN1 decided crumpets and tea was required, this was consumed in ENs bunk room with feline agent in training. PM movements involved ENs and agent meeting up with other ENs and agents from prep group, agents were seen swapping intelligence and tactics whilst consuming rations. This was followed by a trip to see the big man SClaus and a trip to resupply MESS. EN1 and agent then had to prepare for ecclesiastical movements tomorrow, agent Sticky decided to ignore any direction so prayer time tomorrow could be interesting. EN1 is now eating pizza, drinking white wine and watching the dancing program. Operation festive decoration is planned for tomorrow, replacement wine and Suggery supplies are already here to bolster EN1 on this operation. Over and out from camp creative.

Greetings to all EN's currently battening down hatches etc at various base camps! Situation report from Camp Grockle Agent N still residing at base camp despite assurances that Agent N had been invited to visit a town approx 50 miles away with a subversive 'friend' to visit said subversives parent. Operation 'Escape' was planned by Agent N, and kit bag packed for early morning departure when Agent K dropped off to catch college bus at 08.20 hrs. Dropped Agent N in town centre only to receive telephonic communication approx 60 mins later that visit had been cancelled. Will collect both agents later on. Court martial of EN1 has been postponed due to EN2's visit to MASH, EN2 has been prescribed antibiotic medication and expect court martial to follow in the next few days. Have not yet ordered Xbox of desire as all outlets of said device appear to be 'out of stock'. A surprisingly good trip was made to a local town for a 'Nostalgic Festive Visit' on Friday (a Victorian late night shopping trip!) EN1 & 2 have taken Agents N and K to this event for the last 5 years, usually involving much spondoolies, the acquiring of lots of 'tat' and usually a heated 'discussion' between both Agents in the vehicle transport on the way back to base camp. Unusually this year said visit passed without too much incident, a moderate amount of spondoolies on food of the fast variety and a relatively peaceful transport home. EN1 wondering if she brought the correct Agents home?? Agent K currently at educational establishment, expected arrival from educational transport at 17.00 hours. EN 1 has blood donor session at 17.50, no time to return Agents to base camp so will have to leave both Agents in car, hopefully they will be able to access free WiFi from Rugby Club car park! EN1 most grateful to have been mentioned in dispatches by Camp Pear Tree, EN1 has never been awarded a medal before! Congratulation to all Camps on festive decoration operations. EN1 suggested visit to upper tier of base camp to collect festive decorations, but was met with grunts of 'not now' from both Agents, EN1 watched festive film on televisual device yesterday afternoon, may make visit to upper level to collect decorations on her own later on this evening and may commence said decoration without help! Have purchased a bottle of mulled cider to help with festive spirit! Sorry to hear of defiling etc of ELFS at Camp pear Tree, EN1 should be commended for prompt repair of said elfs. Camp grockle over and out

Late night sentry reporting in. Disaster has struck the orchard today. Pip Agent has gone down with the dreaded lurgy. She has been known as ‘Pip of the snots’ for a few days and has developed a head hotness Several applications of miracle nectar aka calpol and nurofen and much snortling under standard issue duvet has been in evidence Bootcamp informed of (birth child variety) Agent being below par and therefore not attending. Elf on the shelf elves are much recovered from their various assaults although one has required extensive counselling via the sclaus camp brainwasher Talking of brainwashers, ENs will be interested to know that arf Partridge has considered maybe using a brainwasher to assist on his behalf because of various ARF related muddles. Suspect dear comrades that ARF partridge’s idea that all ARFishness would disappear in a puff of smoke into no mans land when he demobbed into ‘supported Living camp’ may have turned out to be a fable of unreliable grounding. Speaking re fables you’ll be glad to hear arf partridge is about to become a ‘marketing executive’ with mega, mega spondoolies. ENs ever hopeful of getting a windfall, (well it would be nice to at least get some of the cash he’s had from us...) probed further and discovered that he requires NO qualifications just to ‘learn on the job’ En1 and En2 discussed this magnificent job offer with gusto. Faintly bleeping in the cupboard En2 pointed out the B S meter bleeping. Acting on the BS sensor En1 looked said job up on the google. Google revealed there was indeed a marking role but mildly ok salary plus mega list of requirements and experiences of amongst other things land acquisitions and spondoolies accountancy that arf partridge just doesn’t have. En1 cross to have found herself hoodwinked by the arf in a classic twist on code ‘confound and confuse’ En thinks the parapet would look nice planted up with regimental geraniums and marigolds

Nide camp sending a late night report code name "insomnia". EN1 reports that Agent Defiant has "done it again" and we have had an evening of tea and Social Services. Apparently Agent D was "physically threatened" yesterday not just by DH this time but by EN1 as well. Errr .... Luckily Clinical Psychologist was also present who is, frankly, wise beyond her years. Comedy moment when Agent D asked what might help things to be calm in our household when she feels angry; response "just moving away and leaving the room". Hahahahaha. Hey ho, and in the spirit of 'Claus cheer when informed that "we're looking at the future, Mum, not the past" I will suspend disbelief. Agent Benign has misunderstood the first day of Christmas and has it conflated with the first day of December (with the vast number of the rest of the population, if I may say so). We have had (somewhat dodgy) renditions of "On the First Day of Christmas ..." since last Friday. Six what? Nine what? Yes, we all know that there were five sodding gold rings. Oh, please! Make it stop! Festive maneuveres at base camp are not scheduled to begin till 23rd Dec at 0:00 hours. (Cruel? Possibly. Realistic? Definitely - they can only cope with so many days of euphoria). Projects: Ballet show; Creative Dance show; Dance show; Wedding Anniversary; Bootcamps 1 and 2 etc. have to be completed first and then EN1 is prepared to consider further maneuveres. Interesting insubordination by EN2 and Agent B - mince pies made without authorisation as apparently EN1 "didn't get her act together and it is past 1st Dec when such rations are authorised" - be careful what you wish for camp commanders! Having said that, camp Nide's spondoolic release appears extreme. Call to base for more funds to be released. Sadly I suspect that this call will be unforthcoming. EN1 no longer does trips to ration houses but relies on the kind Internet to send whatever is needed. Large orders placed yesterday with various suppliers. Second list of "needs" found directly after order placed. Second order to military command about to commence but when everything on the list is ended with "?" what is EN1 to do?? Non-agent K9 in dire need as authorised and ordered rations have not arrived and EN1 didn't register animal MASH needs at weekend leading to current shortage. K9 will have to suffer no mix (as opposed to much desired wet / dry mix) until the kind Internet gets its act together. No animals will be harmed during this experiment in K9 feeding. EN1 reports that camp Nide is beautifully quiet right now. Less than four hours before EN1 needs to be up, bright and breezy. Camp Nide over and out.

Camp T reporting, still flying the ARF flag in Deepest Africa. EN consuming large amounts of beverage 'coffee' (am) and mild intoxicant 'red wine' (pm). For once this is not ARF related. No, comrades, back in hazy, optimistic March EN decided that packing for Long Leave in Blighty perfectly straightforward compared to engaging in ARF manoeuvres. Hence no need to take any time off paid expeditions, to the point where final pre-leave expedition ends 1.30pm Friday with just enough time to 'pop' back to base to collect agent and baggage before 'popping' to airfield and chocks away. EN now paying the price of blind optimism as base now a bombsite (non-ARF related) and paid expedition tasks growing by the minute. Cavalry grandma rising to the occasion with big plans of taking agent to acquire celebratory decorative materials, having sensibly disposed of such items years ago. EN has rashly volunteered to cook code 'full trad Xmas lunch' including vegetarian option. EN feels as if she has turned into her mother. Agent has promised to peel potatoes in true squaddie style. On the other hand, EN has perfect excuse to vanish to the mess preparation area whenever it all Gets A Bit Much, and coping juice will be strategically placed. Agent Oyster has done one whole shift of holiday paid expeditions, and turned up at basecamp (no longer her base camp) at 10pm without prior warning, as it is considerably closer to site of said paid expedition. Luckily EN and small agent NOT camping as expected, but at base. Agent Oyster has made sensible decision to spend entire paid allocation on code 'getting hair done' rather than any nonsense about code 'saving'. Agent Shrimp has completed final ballet class, Cubs, Festive choir appearance, bootcamp pajama day, bootcamp sprinklers-replaced-by-water-pistols-because-of-regional-state-of-emergency-aka-drought day, and after-bootcamp Festive party with PIZZA! rations. EN provided spondoolies, transport, and in some cases admiring audience for the aforementioned, while trying not to look as if she desperately wanted to be Elsewhere and Getting Ready For The Trip. All that remains for agent Shrimp's preparation is expedition with big sister agent to acquire footwear of code 'new school shoes' variety, as current version has her toes coming out of the front. EN fantasizing about Good Old Days when a chap home on Long Leave might be expected to pick up a suitable wife (or in EN's case, husband) in their couple of months in Blighty, before shipping back to their remote hill station. Suspect that Times Have Changed... Over and out.

Camp penguin reporting Expedition today to specialised mash, code "orthodontist" Spondoolies expected from accompanying EN as due to ARF 2 manoeuvre "lost retainer" , it now needs replaced. No doubt extra spondoolies will be demanded with menaces for "lunch in town" at latest desirable fast food outlet. Time for EN1 to stir and collect agent from boot camp.At least EN2 is providing transportation device to move EN1 and ARF2 to public transportation rail centre. EN1, who has exam at own college bootcamp next week will needy to pack study equipment for expedition.

Good evening to all camps and ENs with their ARF snuggled in their bunkers En1 on late night sentry once more and has read dispatched from othe camps with interest. Particular attention drawn to Nide camp and the tortures being deployed by ARF in the name of Festive choral delights. ENs here are suffering similar torture. Much in the way of ‘jingle bells’, the same few lines of ‘so here it is merry Christmas’ and the endless GLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORIA‘s have been well erm rehearsed in camp. Suggest all similarly afflicted camps immediately requisition the nearest ear defence equipment and play something more soothing to ENs through said devices. Salutes to deepest Africa and camp T with invasions and Cavalry interception with tinsel abounding. En1 has noted slippage towards adapting similar ‘motherly traits’ but (drumroll please) solemnly swears to never completely turn into her and loose vital en equipment aka sense of humour. However, cavalry grandparents have once again proved very handy and are kindly and nicely paying for Pips new optical enhancement apparatus. This is indeed good news bearing in mind the precarious spondoolies situation in the orchard. Previous optical equipment suffered in the line of duty, two broken off arms so military honours were tooted on the Corps kazoo according to tradition as they went into the black bin of no return. Troop flag waving to camp penguin and the En1 attempting own bootcamp exam. Amazed that the heavy bombardment from arf Agents especially following special MASH visit and luncheon of choice has allowed for code ‘study’ in anyway EN1 has been to see a loud troop rousing entertainment performed by the greatly admired Alfie Boe and Michael Ball. En enjoyed herself with fellow ENs (including a couple who have ARF) and much singing smiling and wiggling has been in evidence. Arf Partridge informs en that this is a breach of EN code as ‘mothers are meant to not go to concerts and get snapped in selfies giggling a lot’ en has smiled and gently and therapeutically informed agent that ENs are permitted on pass to late night establishments with fellow ENs on occasion En1 has declined to comment on reports that she may, or may not, have ‘flicked the Vs’ after ARF personages verdict on her behaviour under the table.

Calendar camp is under siege with lurgy of various types, there is man flu, chest infections and poor en1 had to visit MASH and be taken to another MASH under flashing lights....medics calmly inform en2 "when they are blue its time to call the ambulance...en2had not noticed smurf like pallor to en1" plenty of meds and plenty of rest and all should be well but its likely to be chronic condition that will need on going meds and no more ciggies. I will use the time off to pack pressies and put up greenery.

Secret dispatch to calendar camp. Suggest En2 delivers chocky supplies and plenty of code TLC while En1 attempts to give up the smouldering cancer sticks. En1 here is attempting code ‘festive joy’ and heading out to volunteer bootcamp for Christmas lunch. Have dressed as reindeer and accompanying k9 as fairy.

Arf2 now informed EN1 that he hates bootcamp and wants to leave at 16 and become a tattoo artist! This is prompted by likely extra curricular activity to be recommended by bootcamp, as action on absence from bootcamp study groups and absence of homework. Announcement by EN that spondoolies would be much reduced this week to assist ARF2 's memory resulted in verbal threats to kill EN's , but as ARF was lying on bed at time and talking languidly threat level not considered any greater than code yellow. Especially as conversation finished with request by ARF for code " back massage to releave his tense muscles " EN considering whether tattoo artists benefit from paid for braces and whether there is any point in " school of massive spondoolies"

EN1 & 2 are wondering if the big festive day can be moved to tomorrow, as neither are sure that Agent Sticky will be alive if we have to wait another 20 days before S Claus arrives. Agent sticky is is complete "big day" stress, EN1 was heard to say last night, I am getting more wine for the big day. Agent and EN1 have survived the term of girlguiding activities and now have only the local panto to get through, EN1 is amazed at how much her brownie parents must know about her, as most parents brought either wine or chocolate for EN1. EN2 is determined to cause havoc in camp and at bootcamp this week, sending communications on the computer to bootcamp leader and staff regarding agent stickys behaviour and requesting immediate reply. Fat change as said camp seem to use mail run by tortoises. on a positive note, agent sticky has been offered some MASH intervention after the festive period, which she has been waiting for since she arrived three years ago. EN1 is suffering from balance issues, surprisingly not caused by the amount of alcoholic white fluids consumed, but by a lurgy brought into camp by agent Sticky. EN1 is planning on working from camp for the rest of the week and to not attend her office camp one and half hours away. Agents sticky has been practising long and loudly for upcoming ecclesiastical singing event, this weekend's is the first of five and EN1 suspects this will feel like Dantes circles of hell. Agent sticky is also trying to persuade agent in training moggy to join in these merriments with his own voice. EN1 sends care packages to all camps in need of ear defenders, extra drinks of the merriment kind and sessional snacks. EN1 is off to retrieve agent from extra bootcamp session and will await with "excitement" to see what new area of expertise agent creative has learnt at bootcamp today.

ARF2 escaped compulsory extra bootcamp, and received sympathetic but firm handling from bootcamp teacher, following suspected electronic comms from EN1. ARF2 now has done some of the basecamp work for bootcamp (now awaiting electronic communication from fellow bootcamper for joint operations on the rest) ARF2 also did dishes duty tonight to recover some spondoolies, giving EN1 a rare night off !! EN now doing extra planning for expedition to adult bootcamp tomorrow, as forecast suggests manouvre will be wet and windy with possible snow, threatening transportation device , excuses expected to be from choice - wrong snow , leaves/rain on line or signalling/electrical problem due to wind. ARF2 and EN1 scheduled to commence CTree decs operation at 20.00 hours. ARF2 requests choice of decs.

EN1 reporting on late night sentry duty in Camp Grockle Both Agents are at basecamp, Agent N has been AWOL again, although EN's were informed of absence via telephonic communication. After one night AWOL, Agent N has returned to bunker following immersion in deep water including the dreaded 'bath foam'. Agent N informs EN's that he has a cold, and needs urgent supplies of an energy giving beverage 'Lucozade'. Supplies purchased and administered to Agent N. EN1 & 2 attended Agent K's educational establishment yesterday evening and for once it was a pleasant surprise as Agent K seems to be getting on ok, could do better but at least he's not in trouble all the time! Operation Festive Decs has been put on hold as EN1 is unhappy about disturbing the spiders in the upper tier of basecamp and has tasked EN2 with the difficult duty. Purchase of Xbox of desire also on hold until stocks are back in, there's plenty of time... right? EN1 and 2 had rare evening pass from basecamp this evening to attend Festive Quiz at local beer establishment, due to other team members outstanding knowledge of Christmas songs and anagrams, EN1 and 2 were for once on the winning team! Camp grockle over and out

Late night sentry EN1 at camp Nide filing a brief report. All quiet on the East London front. EN1 out earlier tonight on codename "meet up with friend" manoeuveres whilst EN2 with Agents Defiant and Benign on codename "pizza out". All manoeurveres successfully completed. At approx. 16:50 hours yesterday Agent Benign bitten on the face (I kid you not) by other child at bootcamp+ (aka supervised play facility within school grounds). Agent B understandably upset and in shock by seemingly unprovoked attack. Bootcamp taking seriously but no resolution as yet. Agent Benign being treated with TLC by EN1 and EN2 but this is, frankly, all we need! Having said that, EN2 managed to talk the Head Teacher twice in one day for as long as it took which sends out a positive to EN1 about our choice of school. Agent Defiant decided that yesterday was a good day to protest, extremely vocally and in words that camp commander does not approve of, about anything and everything and blocked ENs 1 and 2 from their own private barrack - sitting in the doorway to barrack (for several hours) until a suitable victim (any EN will do) went past. Sadly for Agent D, ENs 1 and 2 decided to just go to bed rather that take the onslaught. It took Agent D about 50 mins to realise that ENs 1 and 2 really weren't coming down again and finally Defiant went to bed - I always knew that some time, some where there would be a benefit to EN2's snoring. I never realised till yesterday what it might be ,,, Agent Defiant's phone has been blocked from all social media apps (thanks to the stunningly effective app recommended by other comrades in arms; again thanks for the recommendation) to compensate for her less that desirable behaviour yesterday. I suspect that the muster message "behave as I wish or see them blocked for longer" was key to the success of codename "Pizza Out" with EN2. EN1 has spent a stunning 4.5 hours on the phone today in total with Professionals and hubby trying to put safeguarding in place for Agent Defiant. who doesn't see that she is in any danger. EN1 now exhausted and going to ride with the calm, get some shuteye and rise phoenix-like from the ashes tomorrow, Nide, over and out.

Shhhhh comrades it’s En1 pear tree whispering softly because Pip has recently achieved the hallowed state of nocternal stasis. This morning Pip emimtted a siren of uuuuughhhhaaaah whining noise. En2 stood struck by the melodic nature and it faintly reminded him of something. En1 (annoyingly to En2) immediately suggested search and rescue of ‘forehead thermometer’ & immediate deployment. Once En2 had ‘anointed his SPAM’ to check function of said equipment and endured personal injury when En1 commanded he get the smeg on with it, he checked Pip and discovered internal raging furnace reading of 38.5 En1 smugly grinned as she had correctly known the reason behind the siren wail. En1 looked considerably less smug when she realised En2 is off to paid expeditions leaving En1 with poorly Pip Many moons ago ENs ARF devised a technique called ‘limpet mine’ This can successfully drive ENs doolally within minutes, over a few hours the en begins to develop nervous twitch Operational use of ‘limpet mine’ is for the ARF to clamp the EN, often physically but if not in body contact yelling will suffice. Arf do not let ENs out of striking zone and if ENs stray, they then do the mine part & EXPLODE En notes that Pip has spent enough time with the ARF to absorb this honed technique when she is code ‘poorly’. Arf really liked to deploy ‘limpet mine’ in an array of unlimited circumstances. En2 and en1 were meant to be out on a late pass to local pub and restaurant for festive gobbling drinking and giggling with fellow En’s (non arf variety) Alas, En2 has had to attend on orchard camps behalf while En1 eats toast a mince pie with a cuppa and a slightly wrinkled tangerine. En1 trying not to be jealous of En2 Hoping En2 might cook roast rations on Sunday for all to enjoy. Planning operation ctree and transformation of orchard to sclaus grotto Sunday afternoon with ARF partridge’s able gangly assistance

Late night sentry report Camp Grockle reports one Agent on manoeuvres at educational establishment bootcamp, trip has been arranged for tomorrow departing at 08.00 hours, as education transport does not reach establishment until after this time, Agent K is 'camping out' at bootcamp (under supervision!) in order to attend said trip. Agent N is obviously feeling under pressure as the only Agent in Camp Grockle and has been thoroughly nasty to EN1 and 2 all evening, many words unacceptable to our delicate ears have been uttered and Agent N has retired to bunker, where floor is now strewn with dirty clothes, a wet bath towel, empty bottles, fag packets and dirty plates etc.... En1 & 2 suspect 'dirty campaign' is being waged in attempt to persuade EN's to show him the door, which would increase his street cred no end. EN's are firmly resisting said pressure. Commiserations sent to Camp Orchard on poorly Pip, and to EN1 on missing out on well-earned evening pass. Am impressed with forward planning on Sunday pm - Operation CTree

Camp Nest reporting in with notice that Agent Sqk has definitely started the ramp up of wobbliness as expected on lead up to Operation Festivities. Camp Nest successfully completed Operation CTree last weekend and cannot wait the next 6 days till Operation Christmas Performance is completed at bootcamp - closely followed by Operation Christmas Party at bootcamp. Agent Sqk does not finish at bootcamp for another 13 days whereas EN1's students finish at her higher bootcamp in seven days. EN1 is struggling through to the end and is looking forward to the end of Brownie Manoeuvres next week although she does have that dreaded 'Sleepover' exercise to get through as well. Beaver Manoeuvres do not complete till the following week but EN1 has pre-warned her fellow officers that she and Agent Sqk may be absent on leave by then. EN1 had a successful meeting in basecamp last night to plan next term's Beaver Manoeuvres - just the Brownie ones to go. Agent Sqk is decidely in code 'not listening' state at the moment and EN1 has much sympathy with EN1 Peartree as her ARF agent has also perfected the technique known as 'limpet mine'. EN1 has joyfully informed the sergeant of temporary basecamp that Agent Sqk is likely to be in code 'loud, defiant and not listening' state till end of bootcamp where upon EN1 takes over responsibility for the agent till bootcamp re-starts. Bootcamp officer has also been informed that basecamp work is not happening as the agent is far too needy at the moment. 18 days to go comrades till Operation Festivities is over.....

Met Office camp reporting in - but may be interrupted by night-time ARF manoeuvres. Both Hurricanes and Tsunamis have blown through the camp regularly in recent days and EN1 is in need of further storm protection equipment. Annual Festive celebrations are in full swing in the area surrounding the camp - but not within it. Annual age related festivities take precedence. They also add to the regularity and severity of local weather systems. This pattern of stormy weather systems is well known to EN1 - but sadly no more manageable for the years of practise. EN1 has been mulling over the seemingly increased occurrence of December birthdays amongst the ARF...

Camp penguin reeling at so called " friendly fire" Over and out

Creative camp reporting in for weekend update, agent Sticky is in full seasonal swing, ecclesiastical choir is now in full carol mode which means camp is also in full carol mode. EN2 has man flu and is still staggering on with camp duties, EN1 is still contemplating errection and decoration of seasonal green thing, may be more white juice is needed. EN1 & 2 plus agent have been request to visit boot camp CO, next week to discuss agent cooperation or lack of, with all things boot camp. EN1 feels seasonal greeting and beverages will not be exchanged at this meeting. EN1 has 1 week left at work before seasonal R&R commences, she’s unsure if she is excited by this or not. She had an appointment at MASH and would rather this wasn’t going ahead, so planning on waiting for appointment date using the ostrich manoeuvre of head in the sand. Ecclesiastical manoeuvres tomorrow is being looked upon by EN1 with fear, agent is reading at said event then lighting 20 candles for the young non AFR agents, agent Sticky can be a bit distracted at these events and EN1 worries agent will burn medieval ecclesiastical venue to the ground. EN2 is not attending said event due to football on TV, the only upside to ecclesiastical event is elderly members of the congregation serve hot sessional beverage and pies afterwards and do a great job of amusing all agents in the side hall. EN1 signing off, dinner, white alcoholic beverage and dancing on large screen are all soon.