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Camp penguin cannot speak for gcse's as we do not have these north of the border. If what you describe are typical of sats questions then it seems about equivelant to the tests I took at age 11 to get into Scottish equvelant of a grammar school, though the grammer you describe was definately at the top end of what I learnt . I doubt my as2 would have been able to do the grammar as they do get taught it, but I don't think to that level of complication. They would know the maths though and spelling, but I suspect AS2 would fail to do enough sums, as slow with maths concentration, though accurate in what he does. AS2 is doing NAT5 which is GCSEs equivelant and also seems roughly similar to Scottish O grades which I sat many moons ago. I was always led to believe that o grades here were roughly similar to English O levels of old. No idea how this all compares to modern gcse's. Do they do any/much grammar in GCSEs English ? Here, what we called Composition is now called " close reading" AS2 is right now , today, in the middle of Physics and History , two or more hours for each exam, so I am expecting under-( downie) cover manoevres of stress unwind type. P.s. I have a bone to pick with my old primary as they taught us a " combination" script that makes my writing look quite babyish compared to my parents generation who wrote beautiful script. If they are bringing some proper writing style back in England I am very much for that, provided there is no shaming of those who can't manage it very well.

Camp Highway reporting. We would also like to dispose of SATS. EN1 and EN2 definitely baffled by the fronted adverbials etc. EN1 recently attended a session at Bootcamp and felt the stress of ARF agent, wondering about understanding what to do when given opportunity to help. Totally understand ARF agents reluctance to attend Bootcamp, especially on days when rehearsing SATS manoeuvres. As for the large pack brought to home to camp before Christmas to practise up until May, not sure I can say more.

Please hoist the regimental colours to half mast. Sadly, elderly matriarch of the orchard’s wider family has passed from this world to ecclesiastical realms. In the end comrades, her time arrived with speed. A bit of a cold descending into seriously ill to passing away within well, maybe 12hours. The orchard doesn’t feel much like bugle tooting. Arf Partridge did conduct himself in a manner almost non arfish offering words ‘I love you mum’ and dropping several tears. This way quickly remedied by agent explaining he was very well predicting this and he knows hes right on this. Yeah. Whatever you need to tell yourself, my love. Weirdly wondered if this is real or if it’s a dream. En2 has explained it is real. He has also provided a lot of chocolate.

Sorry to hear this , thoughts and prayers from camp penguin at this difficult time. Move to ecclesiastical dept by Cavalry grandpa here also brought our difficult feelings from ARF last year so ENs here understand that also. Enjoy the chocolate X

Flags have been hoisted to half mast for camp orchard's matriarch; so sorry to hear about your loss. All at camp Clowder are still emerging from the battleground of illnesses that beset us in recent weeks. Commendations are due to EN1, the most stalwart of soldiers, who is now back in the business of paid excursions. ARF Agent Kitcat has her birthday bun fight soon and is never happier than when talking about My Party. Bunting, balloons and games are on Kitcat's agenda and the church hall will be transformed into MESS for the afternoon. Many small persons will attend; a mix of ARF and Non-ARF troops. Cavalry Granny has been designated the task of Photographer on the battlefield. Over and out.

Late night missive from the Orchard Interested to read of cavalry granny in photographer role on battle field. Many war artists have been commended by her maj for such glorious works as charge of the light brigade etc. Looking forward to noble titles such as: ‘Scuffle over the jelly and ice cream’ ‘Bunting bombardment’ ‘Charge of the wet wipes’ And ‘Surrender to the parents’ ‘Enemy exhausted & abandoned’ En1 has to do a short film for paid expeditions this week. So you know what? Yes! Insomnia has kicked in and also an outward change of religion as En1 is sporting a large red spot resembling a Bindi. Much amusement and tittering in the ranks. Application of Magic Cream not very glorious. Considered hiding it under small blister field dressing. Search for emergency medical supplies fruitless Non arf pip said she has such things in her set. So comrades En1 has been sporting a fetching mr bump plaster over her forehead red lump. Hoping magic cream does it’s stuff. Arf Partridge has found himself unusually effected by the sad demise of orchard elderly matriarch. Debating whether or not to attend regimental send off, agent is requesting day off from the chippy in case he decides to go. En1 & En2 hoping that if he does go he’s able to reign in some of the huge whopper telling, maybe having a sort of ‘things to talk about’ list might be in order. Sending love to all camps. Hoping that Clowder camp has survived operation ‘children’s party’

Greetings to all camps. Cavalry Granny aka party battlefield photographer reports from Camp Clowder. Confirmation: Flags were hoisted, balloons blown, bugles tooted and all troops survived ARF Agent Kitcat's party bunfight. No jelly-and-ice-cream disasters were logged. However, Cavalry Granny can provide photographic proof of much chocolate over hands, faces, hair and party clothes. Also photographic evidence of troops let loose on bouncing castle, rather than sitting in orderly ranks. The many small attending troops left the bunfight in high spirits, clutching their regimental party bags. ARF Agent Kitcat shed not a single tear and in fact was happy as Larry till she fell fast asleep in her bunk at the end of the day. Since then, she has swapped her Sweet Kitcat persona and replaced it with Grumpy Tiger. The ENs are bravely smiling through gritted teeth. Cavalry Granny is still awaiting some kind of decoration from Her Maj but is not holding her breath. Over and out.

Greeting from camp creative. Paid expenditure for EN1 is closed due to the atmospheric system, EN2 is having a rest day from paid expenditure due to working over the coming weekend. Agent sticky’s boot camp of higher training is open so off she went with EN1 in the tank to be deposited with leaders of training. EN1 and 2 are enjoying R&R with movies, sugary snacks and general relaxation.

Camp Clowder's lookout is scanning the horizon for smoke signals from other ARF Camps. Report is that all is eerily quiet on the ARF front. Cavalry Granny and ARF Agent Kitcat have had a busy day. A longer-than-usual expedition with elderly canine agent led us to the woods; plenty to exercise Kitcat's curiosity there. We met other personell known to Granny, all with elderly canines themselves. Kitcat identified the canines as allies, but refused to speak to their owners, whom she considers hostile and dangerous. This saddens Cavalry Granny, who knows Kitcat to be a clever and delightful small person. But her earlier camps have left their mark. Secretly, Cavalry Granny, and the ENs of course, are angry on Kitcat's behalf. But, upwards and onwards. Steady, the troops!

Late night missive from the Orchard Boughs Can confirm elderly manoeuvres in local wooded area with canine support units spotted along the south coast. En1 has discovered that a younger timid agent Partridge once didn’t speak to let alone touch elderly persons or other youthful persons as they may be heavily boobytrapped. Arf Blossom on the other hand went off gleefully with total strangers and their dogs leaving En1 and scared stiff Arf partridge stood aghast. Suggest gently cavalry granny is best off with the timid version of ARF strategy. Maybe also give dd kitcat some stock phrases to attempt when saying things like ‘hello, nice day, lovely boots’ Orchard camp has been under considerable fire. En1 has had the nasty flu bugs that young Pip has been off boot camp with for the week. En1 has general bodily malfunction and cannot shake things off and suddenly became seriously unwell. So the blues and twos arrived and whisked En1 off into the local MASH. Local mash was code ‘rammed full’ of the sick, drunk and very sick people. En1 was by then having a lot of drugs pumped in only while they could spare the time before rushing into the next patient. Comrades. En doesn’t wish to make a party politic broadcast but woukd like to declare the nhs to be on its knees. There. Anyway To add to the barrage En1’s cavalry elderly matriac has died a couple of wks hence and had her funeral Friday. Operation ‘jail break’ from locAl mash was successful without the support of others at home who rather thought she needed longer in the bowels of the local mash. Triumph. En1 drove to speak at grannies funeral and also helped to regulate a jumpy Arf Partridge who did a good job of operation limpet mine. Clinging on, then running off, blowing up and clinging on again. Interesting to note that swift deployment of rations AKA polo’s much appreciated by young lad agent - feeling the wobbles. En1 has not yet returned to paid expeditions and looks to do this shortly. However would like to report that she has passed her six month probation and so is formally EMPLOYED!

Camp Penguin hunkered down for the long campaign of getting ARF2 up to speed for bootcamp NAT5 external exams in May. Following poor results in prelims, his timetable has been slightly reduced ( he is shot of French to his and our great relief as his relationship with teacher was zero.) And a couple of exams will be NAT 4 ( internally assessed) instead. Obviously the school wants to keep their failure rates down in the league tables, as his NAT 4 Maths class has now been increased by 4 more boys and 10 girls apparently ( out of a year group of about 30 kids that's a lot.) However the academic coordinator and year head met us and altered his timetable in discussion with us and in what was arf2's best interests in terms of chance of getting some qualifications. It is frustrating because we all acknowledge that he is bright and it is his " issues" that are preventing him performing at his best in exams ( difficulty maintaining concentration for full exam time and stress making him freeze means gaps in his answers) There is also an element of fear of success. Bootcamp are doing their best to support him, and EN's 1 and 2 plus arf1 are all working together at home to sustain his study time ( so he has less to get stressed about as he knows more answers) We are also , now working at helping him develop more sustained concentration and develop persistence.( any tips beyond practise gratefully received) Arf1 starts better job next week, he has had a run of dismal employers, a couple of whom were lax in paying him, so it's time he got a fair deal. Salutes to all camps

Greetings to all. At Clowder camp we have MASH status once again. ARF Agent Kitcat has chicken pox, along with many troops at pre-bootcamp. Kitcat is proud of her spots, showing them off to all visitors to the camp. The ENs and Cavalry Granny are torn between helpless laughter at her gung ho attitude and deep pity, to see the little Agent in such a spotty state. Already very small, Kitcat has been eating next to nothing, thus a source of worry to En1. The ENs are both inventive in the camp MESS, but to no avail. Until today when the Agent wolfed down most of an ice cream lolly. Recovery is clearly imminent. Hopefully other camps have steered clear of nasty spotty lurgies!

Camp creative have survived boot camp break with no injuries either physical or mental. We are heading to grandparent camp today for some welcome R&R as grandpop makes a mean roast in their mess. Agent sticky has finished all signed boot camp work, this was done whilst practising loud signaling of disgust. To camp clowder I hope the spots are on the way out and agent is getting her appetite back.

Greetings to all camps. Have only just read reports. Camp Orchard I am sorry to hear about your Grandmother and that you needed treatment at local MASH but I salute you for discharging yourself and speaking at the funeral. Things in the Incredible camp are code word Interesting. We have been referred with our full agreement to tier 4 SS team ( children and safeguarding team?) due to agents intermittent dangerous behaviour. Paed at local MASH expressed concern at behaviour during an appt. She thought agent was going to hit EN1 I myself had no such concern as have not been hit. However it was more concerning that I also was not concerned about intimidating behaviour as this is 'normal. Half term has been good though. Over and out.

Latest report from camp clowder: Agent Kitcat has emerged from her chickenpox lurgies and is firing on all cylinders once again. However, the spots are not in a hurry to disappear and Kitcat, with her 'safety first' instinct well to the fore, explained "I can't pick things up cos I can't bend with my chicken pox." Cavalry Granny though impressed with the Agent's inventiveness, noted that there appeared to be no restrictions on Kitcat's ability to jump to and fro from chair to sofa, with triumphant shouts of 'I can fly!' Feline support units, normally interested in flying creatures, did not appreciate being disturbed from their afternoon nap and stalked out of camp in disgust. Kitcat is looking forward to attending her first ever wedding this weekend. All troops from this camp will be present. En1 is fretting slightly about how Agent Kitcat will cope with being relatively still for even a short while. She is planning a series of small distractions to be produced in times of need. A post wedding report will be issued in due course. Flag waving to all camps. Over and out.

Night time report from the orchard. Let all camps be aware the alarm sounds from this camp ARE NOT A TEST. Instead, comrades, this is the Bovine Excrement Meter HOWLING Yes follow arf keepers. My Arf partridge is at it again. He has told En1 porkies of the ‘no mum I have not got the spondoolies to purchase a motor vehicle, I am not getting one for some time’ variety when he has already purchased a vehicle for undisclosed spondoolies from en1’s uncle. Bearing in mind agent has a paid expedition at the local chippy and rent set at 720... en is now thinking he’s sacrificing his flat abode for a nice automobile on the cheap. Heaven only knows how partridge intends finding spondoolies to cover this. Suspect he has no idea how much it costs to run said automobile beyond insurance. Bear in mind this. En1’s family includes: 3 doctors, a lawyer an international scholarly speaker, a management accountant and a very clever boffin for a dad. These high levels of intellectual achievement may make you think they’d be smart around all folk including the ARF. Nothing could be further from the truth, they become complete numpties of the highest numpty order. Not helped because several have the ‘need to be needed’ complex which the arf feed on totally. En1 would like to take deep slow breaths into a paper bag ! Very pleased to read missives from all the camps above. Flag waived in reply. Arf action seems consistently impressive- flying action of the ‘pocked one’ of note in camp chowder as is kamikaze tendencies in incredible camp. Agents training seems to have ramped up a gear so be warned creativecamp! The Arf May have lulled you into feeling things are steady when stealthy jujitsu training occurs in their beds at night. Certainly young Pip (non arf) flings herself about in her bunker as if some explosion has gone off. En1 is off to bunker Salutes all round

Night watch reporting for duty commander Pear tree. Hope all other camps are getting some zeds in ready for ARF action in the morning.

Camp Nide commander reporting in after months of radio silence. Having made resolution to be in bunker before 11:30pm the days just seem to fly by. Nide reports relative calm before the impending storm. ARF1 is expecting additional resources in exactly one month and ENs totally bemused and somewhat hurt by whole affair - never mind cavalry granny; I don't want to be a granny at all right now. ARF1 is 16 and has been totally taken in by BoyF and taken over by Social Services - will be put in Mother and Baby Foster Care immediately from MASH post birth. ARF1 loving the attention. Positively glowing. Nide commander suspects that reality will be somewhat different from current rosy glow. ARF2 continues to be, umm, totally ship shape and all that. Eating greens in MESS and performing adequately at bootcamp. Skirmishes with other bootcampers seem to have subsided (thankfully) and SEN reports latterly middling to good. EN2 about to embark on crash diet (sponsored and monitored by MASH Central) which brings certain foreboding to EN1 - EN2 calm and tranquil when all going well but on 800 calories a day - Whoop, whoop. Alert, alert, alert! Flag waving from other camps noted. Orchard - message received! Flags from Nide waving back at full mast for now but monitor carefully as Nide may be lowering its flag by inches in coming times of great stress. Nide seems to have gone all nautical for some unexplained reason - still on dry land for now. Nide over and out.

Penguins on the stir. Arf2 is doing NAT 5's ( Scotland's GCSE equivelant) including Art. Today we got an email from his Art teacher saying they had just had a review of all the NAT 5 work and his portfolio progress was really slow, he has a ton of portfolio and expressive art stuff still to do by 22nd March and she is requesting his attendance at after school AND lunchtime sessions as many days as possible for the next few weeks till its done EN1 seething quietly. Why did they not flag his progress rate up earlier. Arf2 finds bootcamp stressful enough and while he has been coping with art after school several nights this week and last, since she first raised it with him, he also has teachers of other subjects wanting him at their lunchtime classes too. I have told her I am happy for him to stay after school, but not Wednesday ( scouts, his only club) and Friday because his friend's dad is helping them with Physics. I have reminded her about the other teachers expectations. I have not said to her( at least ( yet) that I am reluctant to push him to do both lunchtime and after school sessions on the same day. He has always found school stressful and I need to balance his working with avoiding overload and blowouts. I think he needs a decent break at lunchtime to unwind, and also if he is going to be staying till 5. How did it take so long for her to realise that he is so far behind ? I think she has left them to progress this themselves and not checked that they were actually progressing enough earlier in term and is now panicking. If she had set them some of it as homework last term it would have been done. Grrr. (do penguins bite ?!

Suggest to penguins that boot camp should remain at boot camp as much as possible, as ARF and boot camp have many issues! Arf partridge did not take a number of GCSEs as it was beyond him. He needed 5 and he got 5. English Lang, lit, maths, biology and Tech. French geography re and pe all got chopped. He only needed 5 to go to college after all. En1 is complaining of a hurty foot appendage. So much so the BIG GUNS pain relief got wheeled right in this afternoon. Long sleep followed! En2 took Pip and canine support unit out for a long walk. Pip is heading firmly for stroppy Tweenager. Stroppy strop strop once Home in Particular alongside bunker refusal has been code ‘trying’ Love to all camps.