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Concerned to hear of scarcity in camp ham... :O https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/nov/26/spaniards-face-ham-shortage-as-chinese-market-gets-taste-for-jamon-iberico

Camp Nest reporting in. Agent Sqk is in a remarkably calm patch given the impending Operation Festivities. Although last month the camp would have reported very differently - annual anniversary of Agent Sqk joining Camp Nest which led to lack of code sleep in basecamp and distinct daily reports from bootcamp and temporary basecamp of 'incidents'. However current bootcamp officer reports that Agent Sqk is on course to meet expected expectations at end of year and bootcamp higher officer has submitted request to SCUM for that EHCP thingy. Over weekend Agent Sqk managed to deal with EN1 being at the dreaded paid expeditions for 6 hours on Saturday - EN2 remarked he had done very well. EN1 spent some time yesterday making cake for Operation Festivities after EN2 had cooked Sunday dinner. Agent Sqk is currently waiting to start 'assessment' to get his own alphabet soup of diagnoses and ENs are planning relocation once that pesky EHCP is in place. Relocation necessary due to EN2's long commute to paid expeditions so less time with the agent but all parties agreed we need to make sure we find right bootcamp and temporary basecamp before we relocate. Agent Sqk has joined new thing called Beavers and is loving it - EN1 has found herself becoming an assistant officer there as well as being a Brownie officer in other organisation. The agent is also doing really well at swimming so ENs happy as progress is being seen. Now to see it we can navigate this period up to Operation Festivities less painfully than in past - bootcamp officer is well aware of the issues having had another agent in class two years ago. Agent Sqk's two sergeants are also aware of the potential for it to all kick off and are managing containment well.

Met camp is in need of repair to, and reinforcement of, the hatches after Agent Hurricane whipped up repeated stormy weather systems. EN not certain whether the storm force has blown over or if it is merely the calm before yet another storm. Agent Tsunami currently being a Conscientious Objector and refusing to join Storm battalion. EN curious and more than a little surprised by this change in usual activity and is pondering why this could be...

Camp Grockle reporting from the Wild West Country. More stormy weather here.... ARF Agent Numpty (18) has returned from foray into local area (was AWOL for a day 'staying with friends') and needs immediate immersion into a very deep container of hot water and copious application of the dreaded 'showergel', requests for Agent Numpty to remove appendage coverings (socks) and immediately insert said coverings into washing device were met with expected scorn and insubordination. Agent Numpty has retired to pit (known as bed to EN1 & EN2) still wearing said coverings (wet and stinky!) ARF Agent Know It All (16) currently also in pit as unwell and not fit for combat. Cessation of hostilities due to indisposition but battle will be sure to be commenced as soon as Agent Know It All back to full combat fitness. EN1 has just been told that she will be made redundant from her part-time job due to imminent retirement of directors, consequently spondoolies will be in short supply around the up-coming festive season. Warning to all other Camps..... expect reports of loud explosions from Camp Grockle when full disclosure is made to ARF agents in the near future, suggest all other camps within a 50 mile radius of the West Country issue suitable approved ear defenders and hard hats to all operatives due to imminent fall-out. EN2 suffering with extremely debilitating viral illness, possibly terminal (he has a cold), expect Agents to fall prey to same. Camp Grockle over and out

Camp SWest1 here. ARF agent Attitude is gearing up to exceed previous levels of exceptional language use as festive season approaches. Unsuspecting reinforcements successfully identified, as EN1 is single (and lacks emotional energy to change status). ARF agent Attitude has recovered successfully from self-induced sickness when stole money to buy megapacks of sweets for night-time consumption. 3 hour round-trip and absence from work for EN1 to recover agent not appreciated, resulting in minor disagreement, now resolved. Ongoing Conflict continues over refusal to leave camp for normal festive activities.

Status report from Camp Grockle.... at approx 22.00 hours yesterday evening Agent Numpty informed EN1 & EN2 of imminent unscheduled departure from Camp Grockle. Said departure is occurring at approx 17.00 hours today, Agent N has packed kit bags and is expecting military escort to unspecified location in nearest town (can you see a problem here... EN1 is expert navigator but a clue would be helpful!). When EN2 raised concerns re Mess Tent and Rations, was informed by Agent N that 'we were making a fuss'. As spondoolies (aka Universal Credit) doesn't arrive in Agent N's bank account until 3rd Dec I can forsee a hunger problem arising. Offers from EN1 and EN2 to visit Ration Store (supermarket) to provide Emergency Ration Packs were met with a big fat negative. Was expecting fall-out from Agent Know It All who is now fully restored to combat fitness, but was surprised when news was treated with a raised eyebrow and the comment 'I give him 2 weeks before he's back!' Agent N informed that admittance to Camp Grockle will be allowed at any time should he decide that sofa-surfing is not a good thing and that no military court martial will take place Further updates will follow as situation unfolds Camp Grockle over and out

Creative camp reporting in, meeting held this week with training experts at training camp, agent sticky is practising siren noises and stamping of feet during training sessions and has taken to negative behaviour with her own special training person. At base camp, sticky has decided that the use of wooden uniform storage is no longer required and the floor of bunkroom is ok for uniform storage. Also large amounts of water have been stored around the room, ENs 1&2 are unsure why as water is not needed. Agent sticky has started to train feline camp member in agent tactics and has had some success, as this morning feline camp member brought feathered non camp member in for breakfast. EN1 was not amused as was trying to agent sticky and herself out to school meeting. Feline trainee agent is now in small Metal prison, awaiting long term sentencing. Agent sticky was greatly amused by present and asked if we could keep it! EN2 is on covert mission tonight, with other EN2s to enjoy beverages of the pint variety, EN1 is expecting rebellion by agent, so have secured rations of the chocolate and wine variety to help suvive.

Situation report from Camp Grockle Agent N is back in barracks following abortive attempt at removing said self to alternative accommodation (friends flat), telephonic communication received yesterday at approx 1600 hrs requesting military transport back to home barracks. Request granted, small attempt made by EN1 & 2 to ascertain reason for return to base camp, reason given by Agent N was that another flat member 'had a hissy fit'. No further comment made but EN1 notes that kit bags remain packed, so another attempt may be made in the near future. Agent N has been raiding the MESS tent during nightime manoeuvers so stress levels remain high and EN 1 on high status readiness to secure rations for EN1's packed lunch today Agent K is coping well with the on-off nature of Agent N's incursions from barracks, will keep him under surveillance. EN1 expecting court martial later today from EN2, EN1 was entrusted with task (as usual) of procuring festive gifts. After much discussion and examination of (very) limited spondoolies due to imminent loss of part-time income it was decided by EN1 and 2 that the plastic device should be deployed in order to procure an electronic device (AKA Xbox) for Agents festive gift. Agents N and K have been requesting said electronic device for the last 5 years and EN1 and 2 have firmly resisted, but as has been noticed Agents N and K are in the minority when it comes to the ownership of said device, so decision was taken to procure same as joint gift for Agents N & K. Unfortunately EN1 omitted to take full advantage of period of time known as Black Friday and electronic device is now considerably more spondoolies than predicted. Further information will be disemminated following court martial proceedings Hope Creative Camp made full use of chocolate and wine rations! Camp Grockle signing off

Late night sentry En1 pear tree reporting in. Salutes to all new camps filing latest ARF log. Considering the logs with interest, En1 notes the sheer valour in which camp grockle has rebuffed continual seasonal requests for the hallowed XBOX of desire. Medals dispatched as five years is longer than the strongest resolved EN can hope to resist. En2 mr pear tree informs En1 that MANFLU is real and us much worse than the meer sniffles us en1s endure, (normally the week previously) to the dreadful lurgy reaches en2s. En2 seeks medal for bravery. En2 currently denied! West Country explosions having been weathered, hard hats back on their regimental pegs. ENs... WARNING Pending festive celebratory manoeuvres have meant there are invaders in the orchard camp. Yes Two elves of the ‘garden centres own knock off’ variety have arrived. To celebrate their arrival Agent partridge and non arf Pip were complicit in hiding them and giggling. Due to the excitement (leaping and silliness in general) There has been a sexual and a violent act Yes The canine has DEFILED one and the feline has DISEMBOWLED the other. I suspect these elves will have a joyous tale to tell Santa of the Claus...(possible law suit to follow)

*** please note no Actual physical persons of elf heritage were harmed. Cuddly ‘elf on the shelf’ garden centre knock offs seem relatively ok following surgery and application of wundaweb

Recommendation that said Elf's get elfAdoptionuk medals for bravery in the face of an ARF displacement manoeuvre , followed by attack from canine and feline? En1 should be " mentioned In dispatches" for brave attempt at repair

Arf2 dispatched for fifth time to get pass from railway manoeuvres section following code " lost pass renewal spondoolies" and code " lost pass"" and code " faulty photo machine" and code " disappearing Timson's photo taking staff member" Suspect Arf2 has just been buying tickets on train on the few occasions pass inspection occurs on his single station manoeuvre each day to boot camp, with possible extra rations acquired and consumed. Inspection of code "new pass" requested for tonight otherwise leave cancelled tomorrow until trip with EN2 to railway manoeuvres office completed. Weekend pocket spondoolies will be withheld until pass aquisition action completed.

Camp Nide sending a report from East London to base. Agent Defiant still without radio equipment, it having been confiscated by EN2 weekend before last due to misuse by agent of narcotic substances. Agent Defiant unhappy with situation and causing strong winds in East London that will, with any luck, counter those from Camp Grockle coming down from the West Country. Equilibrium maintained? EN2 researching safe guarding and thanks, by proxy, advise from other camps on best tools for pin pointing agent in time of need. Agent Defiant in detention from bootcamp (again) today for non compliance with muster routine. Same agent on outside maneuvers after bootcamp this afternoon (packed rations provided) so hopefully Camp Nide will have a calm early evening. Agent Benign to be collected shortly from bootcamp. Agent Benign showing complete incomprehension of attitude to ENs 1 and 2 of Agent Defiant and much questioning involved. Agent Benign may be awarded compensatory chocolate brownie as consequence. Is it wrong to suggest that Agent Benign doesn't mention this to Agent Defiant?? ENs 1 and 2 in close consultation with outside authorities to discuss attitude and behaviour of Agent Defiant and what to do in terms of support and safeguarding. ENs 1 and 2 exhausted by discussions but understand their importance. EN1, specifically, can't see an end in sight. Thus ends report from Camp Nide. Over and out.

Camp Hundred Acre Wood reporting in. Happy to report fairly quiet week achieved at boot camp. ArF agent about to head out for manoeuvres beavers followed on immmediately with manoeuvres Cubs. This give EN1 and only opportunity for covert manoeuvres festive hunting gathering. EN1 attempted this last week but ArF agent got wind and EN1 received phonecall from Beaver leader reporting ARF agent unwell and requested back up! Festive hunting and gather aborted hence the covert nature of this week’s attempt. Camouflage gear on and secret manoeuvres about to commence. Will be going “silent” but hope to report success soon.

Exhausted camp ham commander reporting in. Non ent and gf have decamped to the safety of home base. So ds2 has retreated to carers camp for the weekend to allow them to reorganise their bits into our camp. So I have spent week cleaning non ent flat . Should have enlisted Aprilshowers help for that. And numerous trips helping gf bringing their bits here. So planning on quite weekend and actually for the first time in nearly 21 years actually having ds3 to my self as his gf gong AWOL to visit her family. Welcome all new camps .

Smiling reading report from commander Ham :) Glad to read the ARF having survived bootcamps nationwide and ENs are robustly hanging in there. Now, there are some powerful weapons in the ARF ENs arsenal. These items may sound mild but don’t let that fool you comrades. Firstly may I introduce you to the red boots. These are Trusty pieces of attire required for POWWOWs with bootcamps, MASH and SCUM. Second, the sharp and pointy stick of ‘encouragement’ this is used when ‘professionals’ lack attack when sourcing supports for our beloved ARF. Court martial, firing squad and regimental digger on standby for disposal of evidences are only for use of ENs. Anyone can face court martial but redeeming persons from under the patio has been known Finally Only for use in extreme circumstances are the spitting camels which emigrated from Egypt around the time of the Arab Spring. If you require any such weaponry please let me know

Camp Nest reporting in after an up & down week at bootcamp for ARF Agent Sqk. Manoeuvres Beavers with 'torch' successfully navigated but then rest of week there have been some interesting reports coming from bootcamp about code 'not listening'. However Operation Festivities distinctly approaching so bootcamp routine being disturbed by rehearsals. Plus EN2 away tonight which is another routine change as it is cavalry Aunt's big 40th birthday tomorrow so he is visiting his origin camp. EN1 is struggling towards the end of her higher bootcamp term - keeps telling herself 2 weeks and 10 down. Agent Sqk is enjoying operation Lego advent calendar - EN1 obtained cheaply one for herself today but it seems to have been appropriated by the agent alongside his own. ENs are employing that technique known as Amazon to obtain festive hunter gatherer material - at least for agent and his Arf agent cousins. EN1 is counting down the days till she has two weeks off paid expeditions - and bliss of all 2 days with the agent at bootcamp and temporary basecamp routine.

Report from Camp Pitch situated in a classified location just behind enemy lines on the eastern, western front Urgent word has reached Camp Pitch from Central Intelligence that the Special Agent know as SCLAUS will be making his annual appearance simultaneously around the globe in just over 3 weeks. If sighted this individual should not be directly approached and if forced to engage in combat, strategies include, but are not limited to: Kissing ones spouse under the Christmas Tree and/or Rocking around it, putting out a stocking to distract attention, obtaining covert supplies of rations such as carrots to distract his cronies (Also known to go under the code name of REINDEER) and by far the most successful strategy, an extremely large glass of wine. The cheaper the better, but in the end who cares. Camp Pitch has been on high alert for some weeks now due to this forthcoming appearance and agents within the camp have begun to exhibit a desperate need to write, with a pen or pencil – a list. EN1 & 2 usually experience severe difficulty in getting Agent 1 to use any kind of writing implement and furthermore, the agent has taken the unusual step of actually reading the said list aloud which, it must be said, contains a wide variety of high price ticket items not normally available within the budget of the camp. Such is the effect of Special Agent SCLAUS. Agent 2 has a list which contains less items but top of the list is a communication device. EN1 is particularly keen that SCLAUS delivers this item as EN1 has recently become more than extremely frustrated that agent 2 is constantly asking use EN1’s communication device to contact other agents in the area. No doubt to set up covert operations such as meeting up in order to walk to school. To make suitable preparations for the visit of Special Agent SCLAUS the camp has resorted to desperately attempting to secure more rations without which, it has become completely obvious that the Camp cannot and would not survive. It has come to the attention of EN1 that dragging a shopping trolley around a Food Vending Facility has become more than a normal activity given the Food Vending Facility’s habit of loading up their shelves with oddly temping provisions and a overspill of yet more tempting provisions onto the floor of said Food Vending Facility that keep getting in the way of the trolley.EN1 notes that ENs from other camps have clearly been drugged in some way as they appear to immediately look confused and/or vague upon entry to the Food Vending Facility. Some have been know to suddenly stop in the aisle for some reason or are heard to shout phrases such as ‘Just get it, it’s Christmas!’ To further enhance the visit of Special Agent SCLAUS Camp Pitch will be traditionally been decorated in an approved tradition style. EN2 assumes that the presence of the afore mentioned Christmas Tree may well be for kissing ones spouse under. However camp agents 1 & 2 have no such interest in such disgusting behaviour and prefer to hang chocolate rations on the tree – another possible although futile strategy if engaged in direct combat Special Agent SCLAUS Camp Pitch is pleased to report that all operatives, Agents 1 & 2 and an extremely reluctant EN2 have been effectively reassigned duties dedicated to cleansing the camp of any kind of normally permitted intrusion in order to allow the camp to be suitable decorated. These include, but are not limited to: dust, dust, dust and the occasional spider who has defected from the garden and views Camp Pitch as a more suitable habitation. Upon completion of cleansing and tidying of the camp, EN1 intends to flop down in front of the moving picture box with a large ration of suitable beverages prior to commencement of camp manoeuvres dedicated to the approved decorating In conclusion, Camp Pitch is beginning to look, and EN1 quotes from a reliable source, A lot like Christmas. It still seems a bit early to say, but Camp Pitch wishes all other camps and their ENs and agents a Very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year (oh no!!! New Year!! More trips to the Food Vending Facility followed by much enjoyment by all operatives and one exhausted EN1!)

Good morning comrades, En1 is having a (shhhhh) holy grail morning of mince pie ration and the televisual panel to herself. Hoping En2 May yet get her a nice hot cuppa tea. En1 enjoys a bit of Saturday kitchen. This morning, the guest is Gregory porter. Pip Agent has exclaimed he looks like a man from long ago who had toothache with that hat on! En1 now giggles each time the camera looks his way.... Court martial is scheduled for canine and feline agents for their vicious assault on mr SCLAUS’s elf helpers. Comrades will be shocked to hear that not once have either feline nor canine have apologised although canine has attempted to lick elves better. Feline has glared at elves a few times and suspect they may retract their complaints as a result Arf Partridge has been invited to attend the orchard camp for festive adornment next weekend. So far, no reply to en1s smoke signal. Hoping he might come along. Have decide to bribe, erm, incentivise Agent with offer of hot soup, French stick ham & cheese to consume here, plus bottle of cider to take back to his supported living camp. Wondering how camps are getting on festooning their camp with cheesy glittery and blingy tat? Suggest all camps switch to SCLAUS grotto mode at their earliest convenience.

Camp penguin not yet in SClaus mode , but it is on the code " to do " list. EN2 presently drafting manoeuvres for Ecclesiastical event next week code " Countdown" and also the camp penguin yearly news dispatch sheet needs distributed compiled and sent to relations and distant friends. Operation check railpass confirmed, but ARF agent two is about to be hassled for code " study time" as no manoeuvres around French book has been seen return from boot camp yesterday, while electronic communication Informs the camp leaders that arf2 has code "test" on Monday. Maths command sheet ( aka homework) found scrunched up and torn behind bedroom door. Possible delay in expedition to cinema for Paddington tonight unless action seen by arf2. EN1 is not keen to do this as she wants to see it too, and it's likely to disappear from cinema soon as Star Wars comes out for seasonal appearance. EN's summoned to Mess tent for tea so this dispatch is now being terminated