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Hi we have two girls they are 5 been with us since they were 3. I have had to learn not to shout as I think I would be doing it all the time, but. For things like please put your clothes on brush teeth, coat on, get in the car, eat your dinner and so on the list goes on and on. We found a count down i.e. 5 4 3 2 1 works very well for lots of things we never get to one so not really sure what I would do if we did , at dinner time no pudding works most of the time. But not always. Having said that I do still sometimes end up shouting and yes I hate my self after. But if I think I am in the wrong for shouting at them I always go and sit with them and say sorry. And they normally say that's ok mummy I will try and listen next Time then we cuddle

sorry forgot to say you are not a rubbish mum take care

Hi thereYour post sounds very familiar to me! I have had my LO since October and same age as yours-5 and very similar personality which is great most of the time but hard when you want a moments peace to yourself and they need a lot of attention. It has taken me six months to get used to and I think a lot of it is to do with e fact that being single, there is no one at home to dilute it so you never get abreak from them. I have learnt that you need to be kind to yourself...every parent gets cross and angry...no matter what people tell you. We are only human and as adopters we have a very different and stressful experience compared to birth parents...so be kind to yourself and give yourself a break. The other day I got very cross with my LO and had to go into the kitchen to calm down but was then ale to put it in perspective and apologise for being so angry...which helped. Our LOs need to see that we are human and get cross but then we're back to normal again and that this is OK. I also try not to bear grudges and once something is dealt with then it's done and forgotten. On a practical note, getting time for yourself when they're at school helps me able to cope more easily as I've then had my social time and feel more revitalised. Also having another adult around sometimes helps dilute things and makes it easier.PM me if you want to chat more as sounds like we have similar experiences.Tale careLoopy

I've got a 5 year old non-stop chatterbox too. Placed last August and it has been a constant barrage of Why, What, Who since. She just can't leave a moment silent. Although we have turned a bit of a corner in that she now likes to play the "who can stay quiet longest" game The only advice really is to give yourself a break. This is a huge learning curve for us too - especially when you're on your own. I feel rotten when I shout at her, but sometimes it's needed to alert her to the fact that she has reached the limit - and sometimes it's an exercise in apologies and relationship repair.We had a team star chart for a bit where we got stars for every bit of the day neither of us shouted at the other. When we reached our target, we went for a happy meal. It worked really well - perhaps even more so for me than for her! It broke the day down into bits so we only had to make it through each one... and if we did falter, well we could make it up quick enough in the next period.It does get better. School helps a lot and thankfully she's doing really well there. The constant questioning washes over me most of the time (I too turn it back around on her to think why something is the way it is) and I am getting better at responding more calmly to her testing behaviours. We still have our blips though! But coming on here where there's always a thread to remind me I'm only human helps a lot And I think about how much she has thrived and progressed since moving in and know I'm getting enough of it right

superspill, I wondered how you had been getting on!'I find myself telling her off nearly every day' - well, there's a success right there! Not EVERY day? That's marvellous!I remember that 'why' phase so well - it starts off adorable, and to the outside world it is, but it is so bloomin' relentless, it just grinds you down, doesn't it? It will get better, though!We all beat ourselves up when we have been shouty. I agree, it makes things feel better if you can apologise for the shouting and reattune. My family think I am very hard on DS and very authoritarian - from my perspective, I see a child who absolutely needs to know that I am in charge, or else he will take control, so I make no apologies for that bit.Keep going, you will find your groove!

My five year old son is the same. I usually tell him 'we're not talking about that now, we're doing this' or I tell him we are practising being quiet! He is getting better, and I think it is a 'normal' phase at this age anyway. Don't sweat it, just try and distract her.

How are you superspill??

SuperspillI think you should consider that her chattering and some of her non-compliant behaviours are actually probably part of her insecurities. You are still very early in your placement, and she is likely to be worried about the permanence of it all. By continually chatttering she is keeping your attention, you aren't getting the chance to forget she's there. She desperately wants and needs to keep your attention and even shouty attention is attention.My DD was similar; at first I thought it was normal 5 yr old behaviour but it was too extreme and too much. She is much better now (4 1/2 years on) but when she is anxious she still starts questionning ... specific repetative Qs generally e.g. what's for supper/lunch etc? or what's 6 times 6? over and over again.Once I was able to see it was anxiety driven it was much easier to stay calm - she was showing her distress.And I can now see that her non-compliance (all the ones you mentioned !!!) is her way of trying to keep some control over her life as well as keeping me engaged. It doesn't stop me being driven up the wall by it, and shouting is still too common for my liking; but understanding her need for attention and control certainly helps keep me calm for a lot longer each time.Good luck,Chooky

good info to me,thanks

Thank you all so much for your kind and helpful responses and ideas. Things have been going pretty well - I still get cross, but not as much - but what I've figured out is that being cross is okay, but what I hate is getting angry when I'm cross! The best technique I've found is to walk away, count to 10, take a deep breath and regroup! So far so good, the odd blip here and there - but nothing we haven't been able to work through. Apologising when I've gotten angry is definately the right thing to do - littly appreciates the apology and it has helped to to then start to talk about how things escalated and how we can do things differently next time. The latest issue for me is dealing with family members - my brother and his wife in particular, who (in my opinion) try to parent littly when ever we're out together. They have a son the same age as littly, so it's great that the cousins can spend time together, but my brother and sister in law constantly fail to tell littly to "go and ask Mummy" when she asks for sweets/drink/toys etc., and I feel like the baddy when I have to overrule them. Littly sees them as the most fantastic family, and she always wants to hold their hands/sit on their laps/ride on their backs/shoulders when she sees them, and I'm relegated to carrying her stuff for her! I've just emailed my brother and sister-in-law with a very nicely worded letter to explain that although littly seems happy and settled, it's all very much on the surface only and there's a long way to go in terms of taking me into her "core" (as our therapist puts it), and to please make sure they route decisions and authority and parenting through me. We'll see how it goes. Seeing a therapist regularly is really helpful - she's got great insights into littly's behaviour, and mine too. Today she was stressing that becoming "mum" takes time, so I should stop being so hard on myself. Littly's birthday is in 2 weeks, so I have a party booked and isntructions on exactly which Barbie doll she wants! I'm expecting a bit of a melt-down around her birthday - as it's also the last week of school and she'll be leaving her lovely year 1 teacher, who she adores. I'm also expecting tears when she realises she doesn't have a birthday card and gift from birth mum, who in the past always lavished gifts. On top of all of that, she sees her social worker for the last time the same week as her birthday. She's had the same social worker since she was 2, and she has been the only constant thing in littly's life for the last 4 years. We're in court for the adoption order in August (hooray), but as well as this ending her social workers involvement, her social worker is emigrating to australia. When littly was told this, she said "oh no, now I'll have no-one!". Just goes to show, that no matter how settled and attached she appears on the outside, there's still a long way to go! On the whole, I can't believe how lucky i am. Littly is so loving and affectionate, chatty, imaginative and kind - i'm the luckiest Mum in the world! I sometimes forget this, particularly when she wakes me up at 5am because "I'm full of sleep and I'm bored!", but hey, she goes to bed at 7pm so I can go to bed at 7.30 if I'm that tired!