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I don't think it's harsh saying that most adopters want to keep birth family at arms length. I'm one of them and I do ... but that's because I see it from my children's point of view, just like you. And just like the other adopters are. We don't keep things secret from our children but, like your daughter's siblings, mine aren't interested in knowing about their birth siblings. There's nothing secret about it, they know what they need to know but they're simply not interested. And that's led by them, not me. For them, we are their family. My other children are their siblings as far as they're concerned. I'm not saying that you don't have a valid point, I know that you want what's right for your child. What I'm saying is that maybe the adopters feel the same ... they want what they know is right for their children.I wouldn't increase lb contact for mine. In fact, at his request a couple of years ago, I stopped it. His choice, not mine.This year he's agreed for me to do it - but on his terms and telling them only what he wants them to know. Nothing more. I am allowing my children to make their own decisions - age appropriately of course. I'm not - and never will - deny the existence of their birth families but, for them for now, we are their family and they're happy with life as it is.Of course it may change and then we will support them with whatever course of action they want to take. I accept that. But they have to have a say in what happens.

Thank you Donatella. I appreciate your reply.As in your family,our birth children are our adopted daughters brother and sister and we are her family. But she acknowledges the others as her siblings too.Are you able to give me any insight into why yours aren't interested in their birth family to the extent that they don't want any contact?Is it just a case of living life as it is now? My daughter lives life to the full, she does not yearn to be in her birth family as it could have been. We were encouraged to be open about it all and as we are part of birth family it has been the best option as there are no "secrets" to worry about.I'm not out to cause trouble - I just need to understand so that I can help my daughter understand. The adopters are very patient with me and answer some of my questions but as we only communicate once a year its hard to keep a conversation going!

My boys don't want contact for various reasons. Bigly doesn't have any memories at all as he was removed at birth and placed with us as a tiny baby. So really we are all he's known. Which is not to say that I haven't always been open about birth family. We've talked about FB, we've talked about security issues and because of that we've talked about contact in the future. For now at least he just want to be just the same as all his mates and get on with life. Without any added complications. He has loads of friends, a great social life and no apparent issues. And he just wants to be an 11 year old boy having fun.Middly doesn't want contact because his birth family and the prospect of them ever tracing him terrifies him. He was removed as a baby but had ongoing contact until he was placed. And he remembers those contact sessions with fear and dread. Well, his body remembers rather than his brain. He's had therapeutic lifestory work so he knows his story warts and all - from a therapist so it was honest, truthful but from a neutral source. Littly, my daughter, I suspect may well be different. I think she may well want contact in the future. And she will be well prepared for that when it comes. She has a younger full sibling placed elsewhere. I tried really hard to engage with the adoptive mum so that we could have lb - but she really wasn't interested. I think it's a shame but she had to do what felt right for her and her children. Littly's lucky - bigly is her half sib and they've been able to come together. My children are all so different and I parent them differently. Their feelings, needs, behaviours are different .... one has ADHD (plus other stuff), one currently being assessed for Aspergers so life can be tricky. But I do my best to respect their wishes - they're old enough (two of them are anyway) to think for themseles and to make their own choices. And I have to respect that.

Again, thank you very much. Its very helpful to know how different it is for each of your children and has given me much to think about and how it could relate to my daughters siblings.Your bigly and our daughter have much in common.Sometimes I think that kinship adoption is so much more complicated especially when half of the children are still with birth family and half adopted by strangers.Its slightly frustrating too when you see them on Facebook but know you musn't contact them!! Also,a quick word about security. As the adopters signed their letters with their surname for many years it has been very easy to get information about them on the internet. Adoptive mum has a Friends Reunited page and through that I know where they live, work, school etc. Fortunately birth mum has no contact and probably wouldnt bother to look for them anyway. I looked out of curiosity - I have enough respect for the adopters not to do anything about it.