Archived Forums

Oh frankiejo, no advice to give...but just wanted to send lots of love and support and say you HAVE made a difference to your son. Thinking of you and know other more experienced people will be along soon to support you xxx

It has made a difference. You don’t know how much worse things could have been if you did not adopt him. As we all know our kids did not have a good start in life and we try our very best to heal their wounds (be therapeutic) but no one can predict the future. Besides, dealing with ASD behaviours is not easy. It must be very hard for you to be faced with all this. I have met so many parents in your situation as well as their adult kids. It might comfort you to hear that by enlarge the kids tell me how much they appreciate their parents being there for them -for coffees and chats. You have done what’s right: given him advice and let’s hope he indeed goes to the council. Does he have a job? My best wishes, A

Firstly sending hugs to you - am so sorry your worry is continuing with your ds. Hoping you are getting support for yourself. For a variety of reasons our children can find it easier to be on the periphery where they come into contact with all sorts for some it is a magnetic attraction to outsiders where the pressure to fit within the spectrum of normal is less. For young people who have extra challenges on top of the emotional and psychological baggage of being in care and adoption (no matter our best efforts to reparent) they have a heavy burden and often impaired resilience. Even at 25 he is still figuring out his stuff and albeit suffering the consequences of his poor choices. He is still a vulnerable adult and with county lines and dealers targeting vulnerable adults with cuckooing . He may be able to get better support through the council and local support groups working in this field. As a parent to two 30 somethings still making some occasional decidedly dodgy choices at times I can empathise with your understandable concern and frustration. You are absolutely right to boundary things to keep yourself safe - it will help them in the long run not least to set boundaries for themselves even if they don't appreciate it at the time (think of it as a continual drip feed) perhaps all you can do is signpost him to support and alert those who might be able to work with him to his vulnerabilities and continue to hope he can get himself onto a better path. Despite some really difficult times with our ds and sporadic contact - when the chips were down and he was facing a life changing situation - it was us he turned to for advice and support whilst respecting the boundaries we had long ago instituted. Situations can change - things may never be easy but you can be their lighthouse in the storm of their lives. In the darkest of times when I too wondered what was it all for - I have tried to remember the many many nights over the years they were with us when I was able to protect them, make them smile and simply offer them love and care that they had never experienced. It made a difference to them then and compared to their adult siblings who remained with their bm - despite their challenges it is still making a difference today in countless ways and there is still much maturing still to do - emotionally I would say mine are both still approaching 18 if that! Hoping that you both find the support you need. M

Agree with above posts. There are massive challenges in the lives of some of our children and this can continue for years. You have made a difference and his upbringing with your love and support is part of his life story. That does not mean you have to financially and emotionally support him for ever and as Mayan said, signposting him to other services over coffee may be what is needed now and by maintaining your boundaries you are looking after yourselves. I think under the Homelessness Act which came into force in spring 2018. there is a duty on councils to prevent/relieve homelessness and it may be worthwhile googling some fact sheets for him to take with him. All the best to you. Johanna x

Thank you all for your reassurance and yes I suppose things would would have been a lot worse if we haven't been there for him. He needs to get a job, and also stop lying to us, mainly to get money but we are now going to be a lot harder on him and let him go his own way. It's just so sad.

((Hugs)) It is sad, but sometimes the best way to help is to step back rather than enabling him to continue on the same path xx

Hi FrankieJo Re the getting work - for a lot of our young people that is a overwhelming thing and they can find it really challenging to entertain the thought that someone might think they are even good enough to employ and can often self sabotage by making excuses not to attempt the process or not keep to time etc. Does he have any interests that you or someone else can start to channel? Are their any organisations that could help him put a cv together or help him think about work taster sessions so he can try things out without too much pressure - sometimes a trail of small carrots breaking down the process makes things more achievable albeit it may be two steps back at times. If he is motivated by money that's something - it's hedge cutting time perhaps there are some physical jobs he could do in the community to earn a bob or two or a pack of essentials - it should be a case of something in exchange for something - if he is an outdoor sort he could gain safety certification and skills via volunteering sessions with the bctv - just keep signposting in a low key way so he feels like he has choices - however challenging things are for him - he is in control of the choices (they need to hear this in a non confrontational way as they can often interpret support from us or others as an attempt to control and then balk at everything.). With his history and in common with many of our young people I don't expect he will be thrilled when you try to change the existing dynamics so keep your boundaries secure and yourself safe at all times! I have known many ordinary parents have exactly the same issues with their young people and they haven't had to contend with anything like the additional issues our young people have to cope with. You have come through so much already just be gentle with yourself - there aren't any quick fixes but gentle nudges if you can stay in safe proximity to him. Mx

Hi FrankieJo Re the getting work - for a lot of our young people that is a overwhelming thing and they can find it really challenging to entertain the thought that someone might think they are even good enough to employ and can often self sabotage by making excuses not to attempt the process or not keep to time etc. Does he have any interests that you or someone else can start to channel? Are their any organisations that could help him put a cv together or help him think about work taster sessions so he can try things out without too much pressure - sometimes a trail of small carrots breaking down the process makes things more achievable albeit it may be two steps back at times. If he is motivated by money that's something - it's hedge cutting time perhaps there are some physical jobs he could do in the community to earn a bob or two or a pack of essentials - it should be a case of something in exchange for something - if he is an outdoor sort he could gain safety certification and skills via volunteering sessions with the bctv - just keep signposting in a low key way so he feels like he has choices - however challenging things are for him - he is in control of the choices (they need to hear this in a non confrontational way as they can often interpret support from us or others as an attempt to control and then balk at everything.). With his history and in common with many of our young people I don't expect he will be thrilled when you try to change the existing dynamics so keep your boundaries secure and yourself safe at all times! I have known many ordinary parents have exactly the same issues with their young people and they haven't had to contend with anything like the additional issues our young people have to cope with. You have come through so much already just be gentle with yourself - there aren't any quick fixes but gentle nudges if you can stay in safe proximity to him. Mx

Sorry I meant btcv

Well I have found he has been lying to me big time to get money- he was going to West Country with a friend to work so needed accommodation and clothing, then he needed to get back on the train, then he was staying at a b & b, but I phoned up to find they no longer do accommodation. I know he has lied in the past but he knows I am very short of money and he still tries it on. I really have had enough of him and feel like turning my back on him. But he has no one else but us. Why do they lie all the time

It is hard to set good boundaries for our kids - their needs are so high. We've not turned our backs on our kids but we do have boundaries about what we will and won't help with. We will always offer advice and I will do a basic food shop in emergencies (or send a Farmfoods voucher - they don't sell alcohol/tobacco) but I won't give cash ever. I find the lies really hard - but I tend not to believe them ever.