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Recently we had an adoptee ask advice and it's not the first time. I know that this is maybe not quite the place, but is there space to accommodate people like this, on the understanding that it is advice from adoptive parents - or would that change the whole dynamic and would we be inundated? Or perhaps something broader like, 'relatives of adoptive parents?'

It's under grandparents now! does not make sense really. Has nothing to do with an adoptee asking questions. In the past it has been mentioned several times to have an adoptee board but it was always rejected as this board is for adoptive parents and foster carers in the first place.

I think this board is likely to be quite un-used. The grandparent generation are largely (alough not entirely by any standards) a generation where social media is not a used as a support tool. My parents and in-laws do to an extent use social media and read Internet research etc but I would not be encouraging them to use these boards. WHY? Because they have not had to experience, the training and the understanding that we the adopters have in our lo needs. First and foremost is the need to always keep in mind security and confidentiality of children and ourselves. I would fear my mil would reveal all unknowingly about my children when discussing her fears and anxieties. She has not yet grasped the world wide nature of the Internet. Secondly we can read these boards and read all the less positive outcomes from adoption within context. We can read them knowing that they are preparing us for what might lie ahead of us, we can filter out the information we need for our situation without falling into the trap of thinking these are definitely going to effect my children. Grandparents who have not done the amount of reading, training, thinking etc on adoption as we have may well begin to see only the negative sides and not the positives and this could have a lot of implications on how they view/treat adopted lo's in their family or view adoption as a whole. i don't promote the board I use to family members.

My parents in their eighties do not even have internet, apparently it is very dangerous, lol.

My Mum is 92 - she did a course in her 80s so she could write emails to my brother who lives overseas - so is relatively IT literate for someone her age. I don't think she would look up anything online for information - though she knows you can as my brother will look up things for her - and she wouldn't order anything online either - partly because of fears around bank details being hacked - but also because things you order on line sometimes explode or catch fire (apparently) She would never look for support anyway - online or not - I think it is a thing of her generation (or maybe just her of course) I think though its probably younger grandparents you are all thinking of - like me - and I would look for advice / support / information online - and do so all the time in fact. I don't know that you need a separate section for this though - as it isn't well used - and I think something more general like "relatives" would cover lots of people. Bakergirl's concerns are very real - my daughters MIL posts her children's photos on fb (not adopted) but which include location without thinking! But probably adopters might need to have a conversation around security with their parents anyway regarding social media - and anyone who uses these boards would soon pick up security awareness too

Aduk can you please shine light on this matter?

Our daughter has had multiple miscarriages in the last few years and they have given up hoping to have their own children naturally and they are going down the adoption route. They have completed stage one and are into stage two (with Buckinghamshire). My main concerns are: I am only reading negative accounts in the forums and this is not being helped by a program to be broadcast on BBC Radio 4 tonight. I am sure there must be some positive stories, even if there have been inevitable difficulties along the way. I am also hearing that, although promises of help and support are made by the authorities, when push comes to shove help is not forthcoming and adoptive parents are left high and dry. I am trying to make contact with any local Warwickshire support groups, particularly as grandparents, but this is also proving difficult. Is there anything you can help us with as we are feeling somewhat isolated.

Compo, are you Buckinghamshire or Warwickshire based? Do feel free to PM me as my mother is an extremely happy grandmother to our adopted son and I am sure she would be happy to share some experiences if you would like. I think it is amazing you are being so supportive and reaching out for your daughter. PS- adoption has made our family very happy.

I think you do have to re-set your ideas of positive and negative. Is it negative to say that with a lot of hard work my son might scrape 4 GCSEs, will not go to university, will need help and support well into adulthood, will never earn enough money to keep his old mum in her dotage. or is it positive to look at the progress he has made from special school. No one thought he would get as far as GCSEs, be employable, have a whole heap of friends, participating in sport and scouts. All very ordinary stuff but amazing progress to be just ordinary. We still have challanges, he can be aggressive , he will always have autism and a learning difficulty, he carries grief and anger. But he was by far the best decision I ever made. I think my mum would agree. He is adored by my family. There are lots of adoptive families like us. But adoption is a gamble. Compo, I have sent you a private message

My dad said to me recently that he was worried when we first adopted, what it would be like and how we would cope. Nowadays he is delighted with his grandsons, and enjoys their company very much. He has a fantastic relationship with my eldest particularly. He has seen both my boys come on so much, and just accepts them as they are - something that they and us really value. My sister has two birth kids slightly older bit not much, and really mine have achieve so much more when you compare the advantages they had compared to my two. I would rather have my two and I am very proud of them both.

I am a long term adoptive parent and now a very happy grandmother. As far as seeing my children adopt I would say no, never I would never ever want to see what my husband and I especially went through happen to either of my children and one of them is the reason why!! You will not be treated respectfully or fairly by social services and it could well be very destructive to your lives and relationships, we have had a 'successful'adoption whatever that may mean! But the trauma we went through with our daughter is not worth the risk. Prospective adopters are desperate and naive, I know we were there many years ago and the social services know this. A lot won't like to hear this but it's easy to think all will be ok whilst your children are small it's as they grow into their teenage years it can become extremely destructive to all involved. Think very carefully is my advice.

SW always treated us it's respect , even when we were quite demanding, there are good and bad out there, but it helped to inform ourselves on adoption issues and where to get help, as some social workers ( even some working in adoption related areas )are not particularly knowledgable themselves on the subject. Their main training is in child protection usually. I wouldn't want my younger child to adopt, he still has his own issues , of the kind that would be problematic in relationships, but my eldest is aiming for a care related career with young people, and I wouldn't be surprised if if he adopted in the future - I think he will make a great adopter, a great parent , and he has no illusions about social workers !!

Thanks pingu123 Compo1943