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You're not the worst mom in the world, far from it!It's a massive culture shock suddenly having a child, let alone one who is already a fully functioning little person with a mind of their own.My two were almost five and almost eight on placement, and looking back, those early weeks and months seem to go by in a blur. I do remember just gritting my teeth at times, and thinking, thank goodness it's only an hour till bedtime. I used to find the Cbeebies bedtime hour and time playing in the bath was great for getting through that last hour till 7pm.As well as a massive life change it is exhausting, and it can feel quite isolating, especially if you don't know many other adopters.Presuming you're on adoption leave from work and she's at school, so concentrate on getting some time to yourself. And if you've got close family or friends, ask them to come to the park at weekends so you can have a chat while she plays, or ask if they can bake a cake or something with her while you have half an hour with a coffee and the newspaper.It's still really early days and you're still getting to know each other, so be kind to yourself, although you might want to look up post adoption depression if you're still feeling like this in another few weeks.Papergirl xxx

Don't feel bad. It's a huge shock to the system. Takes a whole lot of getting used to.Your whole life has just changed.Break the day up into chunks if you can.Yes, bath time is great, at 5 I was happy to leave my ds in the bath with the door open, while I pottered around upstairs, I could still hear him, or see him, or chat to him.Getting out and about with other mums and kids is great, do you have other mums you are friends with?Some tv time is good, kids channels or a shared DVD.Keep some activities in reserve for when you need a bit of space, a new colouring book, paints, or whatever she enjoys.Try and do something silly to make you both laugh.I'd love to say the having to repeat things gets better, but not in my house, but my ds has problems with auditory processing and he can't follow more than one instruction at a time, it's very wearing.Keep chatting xx

As you are beginning to see, this is more normal than you may have realised!Agree with the others:- chunk your day - I used to write out my plan on post-its the night before (breakfast, play with trains, bus to town, lunch in cafe, home via park, TV, make tea, bath, bed ...), so you can tick things off- I found the 3pm till tea slot interminable and my energy was always low at that time. TV/DVD time!!! DS got wise to the fact that I was nodding off, but it's still a good activity for when you are energy-depleted. Can your LO watch alone? It took DS a year until he could sit and watch TV without needing me there too, but boy that was a sweet achievement!- Ditto the cinema - look for the kids club films on Sat/Sun morning, they only cost £1 and I really look forward to a little nap then!- I certainly looked forward to 4pm when I could legitimately get up and start on tea, rather than having to play yet another round of Thomas the Tank!- I can remember being up half the night with DS the night before my birthday (we were staying with my parents) as he just wasn't tired and didn't see why I should sleep when he didn't want to - this was at 2am, then 3am, then 4.30am.... When he and my mum then burst into the bedroom at 7am bearing cake and presents I just burst into tears, I was so tired and right then I didn't like DS one little bit.- find something you enjoy doing with your LO and make sure you do it regularly - for me it was creative stuff, junk modelling, also going to the park and feeding the ducks, just getting out of the house. Being on adoption leave in the winter is particularly challenging in that respect, it was a LONG winter for us.- in general, lower your expectations. If you had a baby, everyone'd be rightly proud of you just for being able to meet its needs. You are keeping this little girl safe, giving her what she needs to help her grow strong and happy and healthy, and that is flippin' amazing. Give yourself a big pat on the back for that. Sod the ironing!- Get early nights, and do not put pressure on yourself if you can help it (housework, other people wanting you to commit to stuff that puts extra pressure on...)- Is she in school yet? Bit confused from your original post about whether she is 4 or 5. If in school, take the opportunity for some Me Time. If not, use an evening after she has gone to bed to plan in some Me Time. So hard when you are a single parent, God knows, but .... could your mates come round one evening for a takeaway and a natter? could they meet you and your LO somewhere child-friendly (DS and I used to meet my friends for Sunday lunch at a pub/restaurant quite frequently). My mates have a New Year Resolution to get me out more, so one will babysit while the others come out with me to the cinema/for a meal...It is a huge huge shock to adopt, and for us singlies it comes with an added sense of loss of freedom, as you literally cannot get a minute without your child. But it will get better, you will grow into your new role and you LO will grow and develop new skills and independences.Good luck, come and chat to us, we have been in similar circumstances and it may help to know what helped us.

Great reply Bovary.

Thanks for your support. Had a bad morning this morning, hid in the bathroom crying thinking how desperate I was to give her back and what I would do so that I didn't have to face everyone - rent the house and go abroad. Seriously thinking of going to see the doctor tomorrow to see if they can help me as I can't carry on like this for the next two weeks until she goes to school, I will be totally bonkers by then. Trying desperately to be pleasant to her but sometimes I can feel myself being distant as a self protection mechanism. I really don't know what to do for the best, frightened of speaking to Social Worker in case they think really bad of me, don't want to talk to family and friends cos I feel ashamed that I feel this way. Would love to just walk away but I can't.

HugsIt is really exhausting in the first months especially as a singlyBe kind to yourselfThink younger - your child may feel like a terrified 2 year old inside so of course needs your attention every second of the day!Try to have lots of simple repetitive home based activities to do, home corner play, box of duplo, blackboard and chalk etcTry to build a support network of friends and family to help with practical stuff like meals and washing so you can conserve your energy for the emotional stuffIf the is theraplay available in your area that can help with activities to build the bond between you and your childAsk for an adoptionuk buddyHope it gets easier

Speaking to your doctor is a great step, newmum, so well done for doing that. You may well have depression, post-adoption depression is commoner than people realise. It can also colour your perceptions and experiences, and make everything seem so much worse. New first-time mums often feel the kind of shell-shock you describe, but you have the added challenge of a child who walks and talks. There are ways to deal with depression, so speaking up is a fantastic first step towards that.Do try the practical stuff we've suggested too- you sound very overwhelmed, and it sounds like you need to feel things are more manageable.If your LO is off to school in 2 weeks, there will be a bit of respite on the horizon, a bit of time to reclaim yourself and to reflect on the you you are becoming. When my DS first went to nursery, all I did was either sit in Starbucks looking glazed or come home and go back to bed. It took ages for me to use the time more productively, and even now 3.5 years in, I still need to use that Me Time to recharge (I had an hour alone yesterday and just lay on the sofa with a blanket!)You sound very low, you need to be able to talk honestly with someone, so GP is good, but can you also open up to a friend or family member??

It is such early days for both of youI agree wholeheartedly with both Bovary's posts. Also now the weather is getting better go out - anywhere. The fresh air will do you both good and running round will help tire her out. At 4 she should be able to run round a play ground or soft play area and you can veg out. On Sunday afternoons I still take a flask and a newspaper to the park and let Simba cycle in circles around me. I also spent a lot of time in the early days in coffee shops. Even if I wasnt involved it just helped having adult chat in the background.When she has gone to bed, dont worry about the housework, get yourself the most expensive bottle of bubble bath and relax Do you think she would be interested in doing something like Rainbows or Woodcraft folk. Simba goes to two clubs - its bliss, I get an uninterupted cup of tea but its also just enough time to meet friends for a quick glass of wine. If she has been home a month and its two weeks to school then you have less time to go then you have already done if you see what I mean. You can make it through. Remember as well this is still a very artificial time, when she goes to school you can get properly into an everyday routine and start carving out some time for yourself. I'm very lucky, Simba and I esablished a good bond very quickly, I love him to bits and we have a nice life, but he drives me potty and I think like most parents I heave a big sigh of relief on Mondays as he trots off to schoolYou are doing a lot better than you think you are and you do sound committed to her, but you do need to talk to someone be nice to yourself

Have you tried taking her swimming? A lot of people have said it helps to promote bonding as you can hold her and have fun and splash about. It also gives you opportunities to hold and cuddle her especially if she is a bit nervous in the water.

I would not recommend using childcare as respite so early into a placement. I think this could do more harm than good to both of you. Far better to have a friend round to do a craft activity with DD or similar while you have a long soak in the bath or just pop out for half an hour. Abandoning your DD in a shopping centre creche would be dreadful.

Getting to the gp sounds a good plan, you sound so low and need some support- the reality of post adoption depression has been spoken about in the auk magazine and on hereI'm agreeing with the chunking of the day, but I could only do an hour at a time and kept saying fake it til you make it in my head Thinking of you

Just wondering if it was worth asking if she could start school now, even if it was mornings only or afternoons only. It would get you some breathing space, and at that age they pretty much play most of the day at school anyway. You don't have to be totally honest about the reason for it - you could just say you think she is missing the company of other children.With my two, SS felt it was important to get them back into the routine of school ASAP, so they only had about a week off and then went to their new school, thank goodness!

I hope you have had a better day today. I think you are right about a visit to the GP. Is there anyone you can phone from your prep group? Or did you phone/speak to any single adopters prior to placement? I know I phoned someone who told me I could phone her post placement if I ever needed advice. I have just offered out this same support to someone else. Or have you joined AUK? Is there anyone who could support you via them? If you are concerned about opening up to family and friends, it may be a bit easier if you don't know the person very well.Best of luck.

I agree with all posts above, to add please do not worry about opening up to friends you may be surprised that they will care, and understand. Go and see your gp and explain you are feeling down. I had 6 weeks summer before school with my cherrypip and was desperate for school to start. I had no sleep as she woke me every morning at 5 am Sat outside my door asking for me to get up, for 6 weeks she clung to me, did not stop talking, all fear, all anxiety and attachment issues. I recommend swimming as I found it bonding experience and made me realise how vulnerable my cherrypip was. Yes to park or soft play as you can sit and watch, talk to other adults.When she started school I went back to bed and slept, read, cried, went to Starbucks, nero's, costa and like bovary it took me a while to get into anything else. I think I had a touch of post adoption depression and went to see a cbt counsellor for a wee while. You are not alone remember that. Come on here and talk to people. Ring AUK helpline and see if any support groups near. Hugs rs x,

Hi newmum1We have private messaged you to offer support.With kind regardsBarbaraHelpline Adviser

HImy DS was 6 when placed but didn't go to school for 6 wks. It felt like Forever and the relief when he was finally out of my hair for a few hours was HUGE(coupled with total anxiety about how he was managing....)There is (or used to be) an Buddy scheme run via AUK, they would definitely be people you could talk to who would understand and maybe even local enough to give you some practical help.You've had great advice from anyone else, I would also cheer yourself up a little with a plan for what you are going to do everyday of the first two weeks once littly goes to school - arrange to see friends in nice cafes, book a manicure or have a sauna or whatever it is you really enjoyed doing before she arrived. best wishesBB

Hi newmum1Read your post and wanted to say...hang in there! I'm only 4 months into placement with my 5 yr old daughter and have been through exactly the same feelings as you...still going through them in fact!No amount of reading or preparation can prepare you for adopting a child...it's blooming hard and being single makes it doubly so! If you're used to being free and single and having your own space like I am...it's hard. Looking after a little dependent person who you hardly know 24/7 is very challenging, even if they are the cutest most well behaved child in the world!What has got me through is talking to friends/family you can trust to offload, find some activities to do with other adults that you can take your LO along to....walk,park, cafe, feed ducks, garden centres etc, having friends over in evening when LO in bed so you get adult time.When she goes go school it will help...mine is now in full time school and it means you get time for you, to do whatever it is that makes you feel you again...meeting friends, exercise, chilling in front of the tv, walks etc etc....the idea is that you've then had some time for you to recharge and then when you see LO you feel less resentful and happy to see them!Emotional stuff is tricky...I ended up going to my GP and got some medication which has helped....post adoption depression is real and no different from post natal depression...I'm also going for counselling which gives space for offloading to someone who has no agenda. There is no quick fix but there are little things you can do to make the whole process a little less difficult...I'm still in the shock phase and you do get good and bad days and wonder what on earth you're doing but I just keep thinking of what I've been through to get here and what my LO has been through too. Lower your expectations, try and write down some positive things you've achieved in the last month, do some stuff for you and talk to people.Hope is helps.Please PM me if you want more support...am going through it too so don't feel alone. These boards have been a lifeline for me.Take care Loopy

Great post, loopy!

Hi Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to email me such supportive messages, it has really helped to feel that I am not alone and also to get your advice, I will be be taking a lot of it on board and doing it. I have been in contact with my Social Worker as I wasn't feeling any better and she has offered me a lot of support and practical advice. I am going to see my doctor later this week to take there advice. Sharing how I feel with everyone has helped and made me feel less isolated and I am trying to think a lot more positive going forward and to have realistic expectations of myself. Thanks again to everyone.Newmum1