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birth family arranging contact behind my back

rosslyn January 31, 2023 15:32

Found out that birth family have arranged a meet up with our child (16). They were specifically told by SW not to do this. Our child is going along with it and hasn't told us yet. Our child found out a local friend was actually his cousin and it's spiralled from there. The cousins mum passed our child's phone number to his birth sister. I am angry and disappointed that she has done all this behind our backs, with no thought to the impact on our child and the risk. She has actively encouraged our child to keep this a secret. Our SW has rang a couple of the birth family to say this can't happen. It was made clear to them that any contact needs to be arranged by SW. Unfortunately, due to his age we legally can't stop this. Feeling angry and I want to confront the boy's mum about it. They are all in the same city as us

chestnuttree January 31, 2023 22:06

That sounds very difficult. You don't say anything about your son and your relationship with each other, so this might be inappropriate advice (for your situation), but I think the only thing you can do in this situation is to go along with it and try to manage the situation as much as you can. It doesn't sound as if you will be able to get the adults on board, so talk to your child about the feelings a meeting might bring up in him and in his birth family and what that might mean. Your son might have idealised expectations about his birth parents based on his birth cousin's family, who seems functional. I would talk about that. Maybe you can get a specialist involved for some these conversations? I would let your child read his CPR and talk about why he was adopted. However, I would also make sure to mention positives about the birth family in order not to polarise. Tell him that this is a difficult situation for all of you, that you want to protect him and that he can always come and talk to you and you will support him.

Helen Oakwater is interested in unmanaged birth family. You could contact her.

Edited 01/02/2023


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