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Hi lily,

My ad was DX ASD age 11. I just told her that it meant that she saw things a bit differently to other people. I think to be honest you have a bit of time here as it wasn't until my ad was about 10 that I really began to see how difficult things would become for her and since she has been in senior school her difficulties have really come to the fore. It really is when social interaction becomes more complex that they really begin to struggle - especially with girls when one minute they are friends and the next they aren't. Add in boys and the little white lies and our girls are lost - think the line " does my bum look big in this?" And we all know the answer you should give is "no' even if your friend's bum is big, but our girls say " yes" - because that is the truth!

There are lots of books out there that will help but the best thing you can do for your daughter is SaLT - ensure she has this now on a weekly basis either as part of her EHCP, if she has one, or you pay privately. It is not s quick fix but it will pay dividends. My ad has been having it for a couple of years now and although progress is slow she is so much better now than she was. She knows how to start conversations, how to ask me about my day, beginning to understand about how others may feel. The therapy gives her plans on how to handle situations which come naturally to us but not to children with ASD. Also it helps with understanding of idioms - if I have spelt that right!- . My ad came home one day from school saying that one of her teachers had decided in the lesson to have a debate and said that she, the teacher, would be the chair. I knew that from that minute on my ad would have learnt nothing, and this was confirmed when she asked me how could the teacher be a chair as that is what you sit on. The teacher hadn't explained what she meant and my ad interpreted literally.

Hope the above helps in some way.

Best wishes xx

Hi Lily. I have a son and daughter who are both autistic but present quite differently. As important as considering gender issues, is looking at the autism profile. My son is more Aspergers; my daughter has more of a PDA profile so both require different strategies. Where do you think your daughter sits?

There are resources out there - Tony Atwood, Lorna Wing, stephstwogirls as well as videos on YouTube. We started telling in a very light, matter of fact way just as you do with telling about adoption. There’s an Usborne lift the flap book - See inside Your Brain (or similar) which explain brain wiring in simple language. Also All Cats have Autism. I have the All Dogs have ADHD version. And Raining Cats and Dogs to help explain metaphors, similes etc.

I’d say speech and language, social hierarchies and friendships are the trickiest areas for my daughter - 15 now, dx at 7. Mindblindness or Theory of Mind is a difficult one - she still doesn’t always grasp that I can’t read her mind and that I don’t always have the same thoughts, experiences that she does. There’s a lot of picking stuff apart ...daily! Reciprocal conversations are still difficult - that’s not necessarily a gender thing, more a PDA thing.

Social hierarchies - she doesn’t always understand her place which can - and has done - lead to awkward situations where she simply doesn’t feel she has to listen to people in authority, such as teachers or me. Lots of repetition “I’m the parent, you’re the child”. Important, if this is the case, that you get school onside. My daughter is quite adept at splitting and PDAers tell lies .

Friendships. Girls can be complex creatures and for a very literal child those relationships can be difficult to navigate. Girls can appear to be fitting in but it’s often mimicry. They’ll know what they’re supposed to do and say but aren’t actually feeling it. Then it all becomes too complex for them and that’s when it can go wrong. There’s often a disparity between chronological, emotional and development age. My daughter always felt more comfortable with younger children.

Think ahead about puberty, periods etc and how to explain it. Be careful about the terminology you use. My daughter really thought she’d be laying an egg every month!

Special interests in girls can be overlooked as they can be more mainstream. Girls are adept at masking so schools may think all is fine when actually it isn’t.

It’s all a learning curve. I did the NAS Earlybird Plus course when mine were younger and have recently completed their Teen Life program. Try and see if you have anywhere local running a course. It’ll be for you and comes with a teacher place as well, always helpful to work together.

Good luck

Hi

Thanks both for your thoughtful responses. I'll explore some of the resources you mention Donatella.

Yes, I do understand re profiles.😊 The gender thing was a little bit of shorthand, but also I've read a bit about theories of why girls don't get diagnosed with autism at the same rate as boys. It rang true for me as we were sent away for a whole year after a Community Paediatrician said pretty much verbatim "She's got friends and she makes eye contact with you (parents), therefore I'm not going to refer her to the pathway." That seems to be a textbook example for the "why girls don't get diagnosed/get diagnosed later" theory.

Anyway, FWIW, I've read about PDA over the last couple of years, which rings a lot of bells for me. The main feature that makes my youngest different from other kids is her language development. She was late to develop language at all (despite input, not neglect). She's on about the 2nd or 3rd centile according to EdPsych's measures of how she's able to process and use language functionally and between the EdPsych and the SALT in the ASD pathway process, we've got some useful insights. Using lots of words but not having clear meaning, lack of understanding of hierarchy, some mindblindness (amusingly/soberingly - when asked what I'd like as a present for Christmas she had no clue. Everyone else in my family would be silently screaming "chocolate"). She has just finished a course of one-to-one SALT at school....

I've not seen so much of the extremely literal side to her that I recognise in other children/adults I know with autism. That said, anecdotally, when our elderly cat died a few months ago we were all (2 parents, neurotypical sister) in floods of tears and visibly upset. She was also really affected as she doted on that cat (cat slept in her bed every night) but was dry eyed throughout and asking all sorts of odd questions about the cat's body after death "am I allowed to hit her?". She also put up a load of photos we'd taken in the last few days of the cats life, when cat was v poorly on the wall. The rest of us weren't exactly pleased to remember the cat at her sickest but I don't think she sees that....

But also, I do think the sociability she does have, and her funniness and desire to make others laugh is a strength. She has a very sunny personality. I'll stop going on!

Thanks again for the resources. I do want to gently introduce the word autism to her as others may say it to her.

Unusually my daughter was dx sooner than my son but I think that was because she had a switched on paed while my son was under camhs - who were less switched on and struggled to see beyond adoption and attachment.

My daughter is also far more sociable than my son - not always authentic but she can learn from mimicking behaviour.

The speech and language thing is a constant and something they work on with her in school. She’s in an ASD unit. Private EP also dx her as hyperlexic - I had to google that one! It did mean that stuff was being missed as it was assumed she was doing better than she actually was. She’s now a stroppy 15 year old - with the attitude to match 🤣!

Quick question....has anyone heard of the Solihull Approach? We are now being offered (big sigh*) parenting courses for children with special needs https://solihullapproachparenting.com/. Is this of any relevance or use?

I'm already a bit unimpressed as their course delivery website has a different blurb for "mums" and "dads", With the exception of pre and post natal care, parenting is parenting and they talk to the dads about neuroscience and the mums somehow instinctively parenting and the mums as if they are effing toddlers. www.inourplace.co.uk

*The big sigh will hopefully be understood by other adopters. We've done a lot of parenting training. Neuroscience. Attachment. I am weary and wary of being patronised and expending time on some ABC of parenting course which isn't helpful. Every time we've engaged with any professional (social work, CAMHS, school) about supporting our children, there's an off the peg parenting course they want to recommend as a first line of support and I'm more than a little cynical.

Seems their website is down for maintenance ... but I did find this

https://www.nice.org.uk/sharedlearning/solihull-approach-parenting-group

Hmm. Looks a bit like Webster Stratton, Incredible Years ... behaviour management rather than ASD specific. In fact it even mentions ODD!

If they insist on you doing a course then I’d recommend either Earlybird Plus or Teen Life, both autism specific. Maybe they can fund that?

Alternatively, Harry Thompson, Sunshine Suppport run appropriate training courses. Sunshine Support definitely worth looking at.

One school my son attended - a PRU - ran an Incredible Years course. I managed one session before having a lengthy conversation with the psychologist running the course as to why it wasn’t suitable. One of the recommendations was ‘read to your child’. Again, hmmm .....

Thanks Donatella. No one is insisting on this thank goodness - we are now just on a mailing list for being offered these things.

https://www.positiveautismsupportandtraining.co.uk