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I think there are 2 options - have it out with her or forget it completely. You say it’s not adoption related - but is it? Is she like this with everything - your birthday / other grandchildren etc - how is she at Christmas? Does it matter to your child? Do they have much contact? A lot depends on the answers to the above I think. As you say it doesn’t take much to send a card - people do that for acquaintances let alone grandchildren. I think the most positive thing would be to discuss it with her - but that depends if you can remain calm yourself - and she might say something really hurtful. I don’t think I could do that myself - I think I’d opt for accepting she won’t send a card - but that is really hard - it depends on your relation with your mother I suppose. I don’t think carrying on with subtle reminders is the way forward though - this is covering up for her and I think it’s best to be honest - with AS too and including how you feel about it. Maybe you could write to her as another option?

But in answer to your question - yes you’re right to be upset and I would be very upset too

My Mum is not particularly good with Christmas either nor anybody else's birthday. However, Christmas is a harder to forget and there are many family members with birthdays in a clump and so easier to remember. Stil loften have to run around buying presents for her to give though at Christmas too.

I don't think it is adoption related - hard to tell as AS is only granchild. It's a bit hard to really put a finger on the problem, but I feel that she is always caught up in her life and our lives just seem periferal to her. Another observation is that my Mum also has a history of falling out with friends - I'm never sure of the whole story, as I only her the one side of it. She always says that they've offended her in some way, but given the number of these fall-outs I don't think it is a coincidence.

Yep, totally fed up with covering up for her, but feel guilty nonetheless. Feel sad that she just seems to be making it difficult for herself - AS did notice that she hadn't written.

Assuming it isn’t adoption related and she’s just forgetful/not bothered by birthdays etc I would be upset. What happens when it’s her birthday? Do you forget? Is it just one way? It’s not exactly a hardship to buy a card ... she doesn’t even have to leave the house to do it!

I would text her, be honest and say that your son was a little disappointed not to have received a card. In my experience, kids don’t forget these things as they get older .. my mil remembers birthdays but sil never bothers. I can’t recall any of us receiving a birthday card for our birthdays. She will eventually give a gift but often it’s months later or rolled into a Christmas present. My kids are older now and are pretty cynical about it. So kids grow up and remember!

I can say our AS finds it very hard if anyone forgets him which doesn't help his low self esteem. As a parent that is hard to explain.

When explaining it to him I would try and make clear it’s a fault in her - try and think of other examples too when it has happened with other people - my AD is quite able to understand my mother’s faults - how this has affected me - she has seen this herself rather than me saying anything - I think they are quite aware especially if they’ve had bad early experiences themselves which is why I think it’s best to be honest and not cover up. Similarly with her whether you confront her directly or not be honest about how you and your son feel. If she’s always falling out with people maybe she just not very socially aware. If you think she could accept a discussion about that it might be a way forward?

Just a little update - I rang my Mum up after a few days (when I felt calmer). I have to admit I went for my usual approach (non-confrontatiional) and just mentioned how we'd spent the weekend with AS's birthday slipped into the conversation a few times.

There was no flicker of realisation that she'd forgotten and nothing came through the post. Perhaps my approach was too subtle. I feel disappointed with myself for not being more forthright, but I remember once doing that about buying an Easter Egg for AS in the past and that didn't work either. Plus, I know that having a proper discussion about it would probaby just upset her (and me in the process).

I'll just have to accept that's the way things are - it just makes me sad how little effort she puts into her relationships with us. ?

I don’t suppose this is going to be much help but my dh has received a birthday card today from his sister. His birthday was a month ago?.

Its a shame for your lad but I guarantee that one day he will notice and work it out for himself x

Donatella - funny! At least he got one!