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Trying to hold it together
Bridgetbones
October 15, 2018 18:28
I haven't been on the forum site for quite sometime as I thought that being a parent of a BS I had the skills to fulfil the needs of our AD .................... We adopted a lively 5 years nearly 7 years ago. Wanting to offer a child a loving home and family life but also wanting to complete our family after fertility issues - this decision had taken us 10 years to make. We sailed through the process which took the best part of 18 months and was matched with a lovely girl who was exactly what we envisaged. Being in our 40ie and also having a BS we did not go into this blindly Although our AD was quite demanding, could not quite get to grips with both having a mother & father and together with being diagnosed as dyslexic we have had lovely times as a family and would quite often be invited to talk to other prospective adopters as I think we were seen as quite the success story. However, our AD is now almost 12, going through puberty and has turned into the most angry and quite horrible child. Every day we have some argument that somehow spirals out of control and TBH is seems that is it only me or my husband who seems upset by this and our AD could not care less. We made the decision to change school (2 years ago) to a much smaller school who would assist with her learning needs and now every week we receive an email advising that she has been in some sort of scrap or another - although it has to be said the school has been exceptionally supportive and very pro our AD. Our AD has always formed friendships with other children who are a very certain type - usually more mature than their actual age, which in turn has lead our AD into numerous situations as it seems she cannot say no in order to be in the group - this started right from the start Recently, we was reprimanded by school for inappropriate behaviour for kissing another pupil, which was the result of a dare by her "current" BFF. When she was told that we would not let her see this friend outside of school this resulted in her screaming that we could not do this as it was her life, her body & her decisions. The situation has been getting worse over the last 6 months as which time she ran away from home - she got up in the night left a note, packed a bag and biked to a local stables3 miles away - all of which was very calculated and totally out of character . TBH she did not show any remorse and e have never got to the bottom of this other than she told us she didn't feel safe as we had had an argument the night before ??? However, following counselling from the school we feel she actually feel more empowered rather than thinking of what she has actually done. It should be note that our suspicions are that the current BFF had something to do with this as she was apparently aware prior to the incident & did not come into school that day! It was highlighted from her counselling sessions that she has low self esteem and equates everything into how she looks - this is now also getting out of control with constant staring at herself in the mirror & bring any conversation around to her hair/face etc - she is very pretty but actually just wants to be like anyone else who is not her. We have of course reiterated that looks aren't the main thing etc etc Some days we feel that our AD actually hates us as she cannot say a civil thing, goes out of her way to do something to incite an argument and if looks could kill ..... I guess what I am trying to say is that after reading various posts I am becoming increasingly worried that this behaviour is not just a phase (I remember puberty very well & am quite ashamed about some of my behaviour at that age) but actually something that could potentially pull our family apart We are very strong as a family and have a lot of outside support - I am just about to commence counselling to try to find some sort of techniques to deal with this as these issues have now become all consuming, with our lives revolving around them
daffin
October 15, 2018 20:47
Hello. It sounds as though you are having a really tough time. I donât have teenagers, so I canât talk from experience. I know other adopters have had similar experiences as you, though, with things really falling apart as their child hits adolescence. I hope one of them will appear soon to advise you. Iâm guessing, though, that attachment issues are in the mix for your daughter and that - on top of the difficulties of adolescence - the school move has really unsettled her. Have you had any interactions with Post Adoption Services? It might be a good time to get in touch, and ask for them to apply to the Adoption Support Fund for funding for an assessment. Your daughter might need some therapy to help her through this period - life story work might help, as might Diadic Developmental Psychothetapy, to help her with her attachments. You also need some support, so you can make sense of what is happening.
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Milly
October 15, 2018 21:33
I think professional help via the ASF is the way to go. It's best if you as parents are involved as this helps build up the relationship. Our eldest went through tough times as a young teen. She'd always had behavioural issues but her self esteem hit rock bottom, she threatened self harm, wasn't really coping at school and would run away at the slightest sign of pressure. Unlike your dd she didn't really have any friendships in school - a couple out of school but not particularly healthy ones. We had family therapy with her for about two years. It often stalled due to ongping crises, but overall dd loved going and enjoyed the attention of the therapists. I think just being there with us was in itself a positive. Since the therapy ended she's been much more settled and has gradually overcome her poor self esteem, excessive anxiety and poor social skills. Our relationship with her is sometimes volatile but basically she respects us and hasn't run off or done anything silly for a long time.
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waterfalls
October 15, 2018 22:00
Hi Bridget, Has your AD been assessed for anything else apart from the dyslexia? the behaviours that you get with dyslexia are very similar to ADHD - my ad has both and is coming up to 12 years old too - so i really feel for you. My ad also has ODD which is comorbid with ADHD and so very much lives in the here and now - does not think about consequences of actions and is very argumentative and impulsive and easily led. she also has ASD and if forever looking at herself in the mirror - more so when upset as if she is trying to connect how she feels with the physical manifestations of crying. look up the various conditions and see if any of them apply to your ad - my ad is on meds for the adhd and odd which really helps although not a cure as the meds wear off. best wishes xx
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Flosskirk
October 16, 2018 12:45
Hi. I don't know how much differently you parent her compared with how you parent your birth child but adopted kids often need a completely different parenting style. Have you tried any therapeutic parenting strategies? A lot of birth children are pretty compliant as they are well attached to their parents and inherently want to please them. They have a little version of mum or dad on their shoulder as it were when they go out into the wider world which helps them make good decisions. Adopted children often don't have this . It needs professional input i think both to build up the attachment so they want to please you and live by your values but also to build their self esteem so they want to make good choices in the first place. And you need help to parent differently and cope with this stuff. So please contact post adoption support and ask for help. Join local adoption groups. You might also want to check out the potato group www.thepotatogroup.org.uk which is for Parents of Traumatised Adopted Teens xx
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chocoholic
October 16, 2018 22:29
Hi Bridget, I'd agree with most of the comments above. My oldest daughter Twirl is 14, rapidly approaching 15 and many of the things you say sound very familiar. I also had two birth sons and thought I was a fairly competent parent... Up to about the age of 9-10 I would have described Twirl as 'challenging but manageable' but since then.... we went through a long time where things just kept deteriorating and were pretty unmanageable. The biggest changes since then have not been in her, but in us. We learned to parent according to PACE, which is basically the kind of therapeutic parenting mentioned by Flosskirk. It looks and feels nothing like 'normal' parenting, which in itself was sometimes hard for our birth children to understand, and hard for us to adapt to. But it has made a big big difference to Twirl, and to her younger sister. We knew the theory of PACE but we didn't really do it well until we had the support of a clinical psychologist, funded through the ASF, who is helping us with DDP, the kind of family therapy mentioned by Daffin. I can't recommend this highly enough. It's slow slow slow, but it is helping Twirl make sense of her life and her behaviours, her relationship with us and our part in her story, and her thoughts and feelings about her birth mum. And it gave us the skills we needed to stop little things endlessly escalating into massive rows. These have been the two things which have helped us the most. The other thing which has, I believe, helped stop her self-destructing completely, has been applying some of the principles behind NVR (non-violent-resistance) in terms of taking back control of her life (and therefore ours) by being a bigger presence in her world, actively vetting her friends, banning her from social media when she proved she couldn't handle it, stopping her going out unless we know exactly who she was with, where she would be, and how we could contact them, dropping her off and picking her up, doing a lot more things together as a family, insisting again and again on a parental or semi-parental presence. Again, it's counter-intuitive, as you think as a teenager she should be having more and more independence, but actually if your child can't handle independence in a safe way (unsuitable friendships, risk-taking behaviours, doing anything - and I mean anything - to fit in / get noticed / belong) I am being neglectful to let them have 'normal' levels of teenage independence. I am not saying this is easy, it comes at great personal cost at times, but it sure has worked for us in terms of keeping her safe. I am hoping that if we keep her safe long enough it will give her the space she needs to mature at her own rate, learn to make better choices, and learn she is worth it. She also used to obsess around personal appearance (and we said all the things you said) but actually the extreme amounts of make up and thinking her only value was in her looks have both eased off as the DDP has helped her, and she has felt safer in the (unwanted but necessary) boundaries we have imposed, and her relationship with us has slowly improved. Now often she only bothers with makeup when she is going into a situation where she will be exposed to a lot of peers - her most ultra-threatening experience, where she feels least safe. It's a kind of armour. Gosh, I seem to have rambled on, but your post touched a nerve. I hope some of this is helpful. xx
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Bridgetbones
October 19, 2018 18:27
thank you for your comments these have been of huge assistance. We have now booked an appointment for Post Adoption Support so will see what they recommend. This week has been fairly OK - only one case of swearing at school but as AD say "she is the only one that gets caught because she is the loudest" and I have to say this is probably correct because she is a bit of showoff and thinks this is cool ! I think generally I feel better & more positive this week (although I think my husband is still not in the best place place) but we are working together & because I feel better I am not retaliating so quickly, therefore the situations have not been escalating. That's not to say AD has not been trying to push buttons. And on a plus side I am quite looking forward to the weekend x
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Gabbyaggie
November 17, 2018 02:03
Your post reminded me of our situation adopted son 11 years ago age 4 struggling big time at moment
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chocoholic
November 17, 2018 13:57
Gabbyaggie, sounds like it's hard at the moment. If you want to start your own thread just to vent, or to ask for ideas, feel free. Lots of us have challenging adopted teens - and the potato group at https://thepotatogroup.org.uk/ also have a wealth of advice and experience - have a look there. Best wishes x
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