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Protect against false sexual misconduct allegation

AdeandLee August 24, 2023 10:02

AD is 11yo girl. Has ODD, recently ran away from home due to our intervention over phone usage and potential grooming from international phone contact. Police involved. Concerns me that as soon as she realises the damage that can be done by merely making a false allegation, perhaps as a way to get moved to her BM, she might go ahead and do it. We have explained that for multiple reasons, she would not get taken back to her BM but also to comfort her, we will assist her in meeting her BM when she is 18. Any advice on how I can protect myself ahead of any potential false allegations in future.

AdeandLee August 24, 2023 10:03


chestnuttree August 24, 2023 12:36

You cannot protect yourself, apart from the usual stuff: close bathroom doors, don't walk around naked, etc. Have you thought about why you are so worried about this when it hasn't happened? There are tons of other things she could do.

Allegation Support For Foster Parents, Adopters, Birth Parents, Special Guardians and Kinship Carers:

AdeandLee August 24, 2023 13:16

Only worried because it's arguably THE worst thing that could happen to my family and she is devious in the extreme. And she has been exposed to porn from this international contact sending her material.

Edited 24/08/2023
chestnuttree August 24, 2023 21:36

I am sorry you feel like that. Have you got any support? I find it worrying that you call her "devious in the extreme". I would try to reframe her behaviour as confused, impacted by trauma and as survival strategies. She clearly does not understand the consequences and risks of her behaviours and is very vulnerable. It is very draining and difficult to care for someone like that and hard to remain therapeutic and to continue mentalising (trying to understand your own thoughts and feelings and hers). Do you have a post-adoption support worker at your local authority? Have you had a Child in Need assessment? It might be helpful to get one.

AdeandLee August 25, 2023 07:01

We don't currently have a social worker engaged. Can you explain how to get a Child in Need Assessment please? My wife and I are both traumatized and worn out from our experience so partly my language is exasperation. Thankyou for you thoughts. I only just realised that you responded to my concerns first too. I just clicked on the link and it's a really comforting and helpful resource. Thankyou again. It's good to know there is specific help out there.

Edited 25/08/2023
AlisonAUK August 25, 2023 10:01

Hello from Adoption UK. I'm so sorry, AdeandLee, that you're facing such difficult circumstances. We'd like to be in touch to offer some support. I'd really encourage you to call our Helpline: 0300 666 0006 It's free and confidential, and they'll be able to signpost you to some support. I've also sent you a private message.

chestnuttree August 27, 2023 00:16

It is very hard. You can contact request a post-adoption support assessment from your local authority. They are legally obliged to assess, but not legally obliged to then offer you support. Crazy, but that's the way it is. I would definitely request support though. This type of support is adoption-specific and would be funded by the Adoption Support Fund. You can request therapeutic support for your child and/ or for yourself. It is often helpful to know what you want. This guide offers good summaries of different types of therapy:

You could also contact the Early Help team at your local authority. However, since your daughter sounds highly vulnerable, has been groomed and you have had police involvement, I would consider a section 17 assessment. I think they are often assessments of parents, but are also used as assessments of the needs of children. You would be assigned a social worker who assesses your situation and who would get in touch with school and possibly the police to think about your child, your family and your support needs. This is not an adoption specific service, but can be helpful. Of course, it always depends who the assessing social worker is, your LA and so on.

I guess getting services involved could potentially mean some protection for you as well. I would give AUK a ring and see what they recommend.

windfalls August 27, 2023 17:51

Have come to this a bit late, sorry. Fully understand your concerns - indeed something similar happened to me and my husband- not sexual allegations - it was absolutely devastating for us.- also over access to social media. What helped us was the fact that I have always kept school fully updated with what we were dealing with at home. Also we have,over the years, gone from early help to children in need plans. These were voluntary and instigated through school. It's stressful having social services involved but they will do an assessment and you can discuss your fears with them and they will give you advice as to what to do. Should your daughter ever make such allegations then you will be "known"to social services and this will lessen the impact/devastation on you and your wife. My husband has also always been worried about such allegations being made against him and so he is very careful in his interaction with her and I do all of the putting to bed stuff.

It's a stressful way to parent - always being worried about things like this. You mention that your daughter has ODD ( mine does too) but this is usually linked to ADHD - has she been assessed? Also has she been assessed for ASD? - not being able to put yourself in someone's else's shoes and not being able to see the impact of your behaviour on others is a feature of ASD - so do look at it.

Sending hugs - you are not alone in this type of worry. Xx

AdeandLee August 27, 2023 20:03

Thanks. Lots of really good advice!

chestnuttree August 28, 2023 10:48

I very much agree with @windfalls that openness and good communication with services and school are your friend in situtions like yours. If anything happens, everyone already has your family on their radar, they know your child is struggling, that you have asked for support and are doing your best.

windfalls August 28, 2023 11:43

One other thing - if your daughter doesn't have an EHCP then apply for one. These go up to 25 if the child is still in education or training. You can apply for one yourself - I did and you can also use any social services report/assessment as well as professional reports to support your application. The EHCP will not only ensure that the right support is in place for you daughter at school, but it will also help you too. If your daughter's behaviour continues to escalate over the next couple of years you and your wife may decide that a special needs residential school/college is the only option. Indeed you may already be at this point. Such schools/colleges require an EHCP and so getting one now will help to keep your options open. I am now at this point with my daughter and looking at specialist residential college.

Feel free to PM me if you need any further help/advice xx


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