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I totally get you... been there so many times (tho am a relative newcomer, son is 8 and has been with us for 2 and a bit years)... can heartily recommend the nvr... it certainly has made things a lot better for us. You sound very downhearted - don't know how far you are with the nvr, but definitely some self care sounds in order and maybe a reconciliation gesture to your son even if you don't feel like it (I often don't feel like it!!) - it can make a difference. Can you do something relaxing this evening or over the weekend?? Thinking of you xx

Hi Lemon Tea Sorry to hear you've had such a bad afternoon. First thing to say, don't beat yourself about losing it with him. I don't think it is necessarily a bad thing for a child of that age to see that sometimes they're behaviour gets to us. Later today, when you and he are feeling calmer, use it as a time to talk about the fact that even adults make mistakes, you were angry and that you said things you didn't mean, that you love him and you are glad that you adopted him, but that sometimes his behaviour makes you cross and frustrated. (You may not 100% mean all of this, but I think important to say it.) Are there things you can drop from your demands to reduce confrontation. For example, in your shoes, I wouldn't be trying to force homework. This isn't about making no demands, but pick your battles. It sounds as if you are seeking specialist support, which sounds entirely right, so do keep pressing for that - it is though hard I know. And then make sure you look after you. What have you got planned for this weekend? Do you get some time for you and your DH in the evening once he is in bed. Could you treat yourself one night to a decent takeaway and a film if that's your thing? And can you plan one nice thing in the next week or so for you? Meet a friend for coffee, go for a run/swim, treat yourself to a facial - something you'd enjoy? Most important thing is to look after yourself. Last thing, try not to spend time worrying about what things will look like in future. Yes, it may get worse, but it may not - he may mature, you might get the right support, you might find ways of getting on better. Who knows, but worrying about it won't make it any better! Look after yourself. LB

You sound like you are really struggling - parenting traumatised kids is HARD work and takes its toll on us their parents. It is awful when it gets to the stage that you are not sure you want to stay in your own home - home is supposed to be your safe place. Firstly, what are you doing to look after yourself? It needs to be a priority as if you are struggling, he will sense that and you will not be able to effectively parent him. Many adopters end up succumbing to secondary trauma/blocked care (google them) as a result of the stress. Maybe a trip to the GP, some counselling and planning some regular you time. Secondly, think about what you can cope with. Some adoptees can't manage family life so instead of therapies, maybe he needs a residential school or similar. Maybe you can cope now, but you might need something else in his teens. Its quite common for adoptees to move elsewhere during their teens. Thirdly, think about therapies for him..... Hugs x

PS This is a great blog post about how emotional regulation is key http://heather-forbes.blogspot.co.uk/2017/

You mention ADHD but state there has been no diagnosis. Are you familiar with the symptoms of ADHD? Here is a website about ADHD: https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/attention-deficit-hyperactivity-disorder-adhd/ If a diagnosis of ADHD would seem to fit your child's symptoms you may have to fight to get the diagnosis following an assessment. ADHD often runs in families. It is well worth getting the diagnosis since the medication can make a huge difference. Both of my adopted children were eventually diagnosed with ADHD and were put on Ritalin medication. My daughter, now aged 32, asked to go back on medication and she currently takes Concerta. She was also diagnosed with ODD (being constantly defiant and oppositional) and it really helped with that too. Lily x

Just wanted to second what lily says. My ad has ADHD and medication has helped her enormously. Her behaviour can be very difficult when she is not medicated. It’s not a cure, but it helps her a lot. She is much more reasonable when she has taken it, so may be an avenue you Should explore. Hope you’re ok. Try and be kind to yourself. Hope you can take some self care this weekend xx

Thanks for all the kind and supportive comments. It really does wear you down this type of parenting. I went to work this morning which was actually some light relief - grown-up conversation and the arguments were at least constructive! Bop thanks for the article on dysregulation - I know my staying centred is important for AS but there are just times when its too much. Last night AS apologised (as did I). When asked what he was sorry for, he thought for a while and then said picking a fight with you mummy (I have to note that him having the ability to understand what it might be like for someone else is progress). You may also be right in suggesting I consider some therapy; I'm not at the anti-depressant stage (been there before AS so know the signs). Will plug away with the NVR and hope that it makes a difference.

Lemon Tea - no adoptive parent can stay regulated all the time, especially when we are on the receiving end of tricky stuff on a very frequent basis. Knowing it is the best route and trying to look after yourself so you are in the best place possible is all anyone can ask. Glad things are calmer once again and he was able to recognise his part in this.

Hi lemontea. What a rotten afternoon! I’d just like to add for a star parent you have to be human and you know what we all have limits and say stuff we regret, but you know what? No one died. You have apologised and will be putting it right. Really important life lesson for your son there. I do feel sometimes that even with all the supports in place (well done getting those btw- I’m guessing that was tough) life with traumatised children is extreme at times, whatever you do. Just the above stuff help things along. Could you yourself access psychotherapy. Mr pt and I went together. It helped us hugely

Hi, I wondered if you had ever thought of PDA (Pathalogical Demand Avoidance Syndrome). It is very common in adopted children (or at least the symptoms of PDA even if it isn't 'real' PDA). Children with extreme demand avoidance find direct demands a real threat and they can behave in very challenging ways as a result. The way to handle them is to make sure you don't make any direct demands - there is a lot of information about it online and changing the way you approach situations can really help.

Thanks Pear Tree and Flosskirk. PT I think that my expectations of myself are sometimes rather high and it's not always helpful. I will look into some psychotherapy. Flosskirk - it's interesting you mention PDA as having read another post elsewhere on this site I was wondering the same thing. I haven''t had an opportunity to do much reading but it may prove interesting to use some of their parenting strategies. We are also coming to the conclusion, following another meltdown last night, that AS "needs" to have some sort of confrontation every day to reinforce his idea that he is "bad" and in a perverse way to feel "right". Last night he said that he hated himself. I'm going to try and check this with him, but if it is the case we are going to need to find a way to tackle this set of beliefs.

Some adopters I know have a son who has to have a fight (usually with his father) before he can go to sleep at night. Found myself wondering if it is a stress releaser or something attachment related.

From the Beacon House document on Developmental Trauma: "Pre-occupied children: These children learn early on that showing feelings and ‘big behaviours’ are the only way to get noticed, and keep parents/carers nearby. They learn the mantra “To keep safe and others close by, I must exaggerate my behaviour and emotions and I must be angry/upset for as long as possible as if I lose my parent/carer I don’t know when I will get them back again”. Inside these children feel petrified, anxious, worthless and unlovable; on the outside they appear rageful, aggressive, hostile, disruptive and rude. These children bounce from one irresolvable crisis to the next. To have an adult solve the crisis would be too frightening, as it means the adult might disappear." AD always seems to need big dramas, and the making up afterwards.

Not much to add as others have given good advice. I too dreaded the teenage years but thanks to therapy although still hard the melt downs have lessened. It's early days in the teenage years but hormonal changes have been happening for at least two years for both of mine and we are surviving. Don't beat yourself up about losing it. even though things are better I still lose it occasionally. It does show them that things can be repaired and we can move on from it together

I wonder or your son has had assessments and you know where he is developmentally. I pressume there are issues in school a well? Or is he the 'model' student there? It is very likely that there is an underlaying cause of his behaviours, it is also easier to accept when you for example know he has brain damage or what his issues are. To be honest the thought of 'six years to go' (after 12) makes me quite happy ;-)