Archived Forums

PAS have a responsibility to you and dd so be on the phone in the morning. Our local PAS are a bit dicey on what supports they can give, but do offer things for older teens.She should attract support as a vulnerable young person in her own right I have sent a pm.

sorry what's a pm?

Hi there,A PM is a private message. If you look to the top right of your screen, you should see Private Messages: [1].Best wishes,Moderator

If you look on the top right hand corner of the message board you will see "private messages" and there should be a 1 - ie with the private message (or pm) from Madrid. Click on that and your private messages come up. If you want to reply to this pm just click on 'reply' and a private message will wing its way back to Madrid.What you should look at, jas58 is something called the 'Southark Ruling'. As your dd is 16 there will be a lot said about how SS can't do very much. Post adoption services usually don't have accommodation themselves they can access, they have to go to the mainstream social work teams, who will say that she isn't their responsibility and so would have to go to Housing to try and get accommodation.The housing department won't consider housing a 16 or 17 year old unless they are 'unintentionally homeless' ie that they haven't chosen to leave home, but have been chucked out, and can't return. You say that you are, in fact, rather frightened of your dd so you could say that you won't have her back now - as you are too scared of what she might do. You would need to state that to the Housing Dept for them to consider providing housing (although it wouldn't be the fictional 'flat' that so many of our children seem to think is out there for them (my lad, birdboy, included until last week).What the 'Southwark Ruling' says though is that if a 16/17 year old has additional needs (to just housing needs) then the local Social Services Dept DOES have a responsibility to support. This therefore means that they have to use their own accommodation - possibly foster care/supported lodgings/ or financing a placement in a hostel. The two arms of LA will argue the toss over this, but there is a lot of info out there about this 'Southwark Ruling'. It is called this as a refugee 17 year old took Southwark to court about having SS support him, rather than housing just providing accomm, and the courts said that he had additional needs (over and above housing needs) and therefore WAS entitled to support from SS. Southwark challenged this ruling but it was upheld (House of Lords I think it ended up at).So ... be ready for a fight, but your dd sounds very much like a lass who has 'additional needs' and for whom this support would be invaluable. The fact that she is 16 means that she is entitled to a level of support that wouldn't be there for her post 18 (and if she is 'accommodated' by SS then she gets more support post 18 than she would otherwise, as well, thanks to the Leaving and After Care Act 2000).Google the Southwark Ruling, there is some good write ups out there. Good luck, and keep letting us know how you are getting on,kind regards, birdlady

whoops - sorry pear tree, been a long day! birdlady x

Thanks for your advice. Very helpful. At the moment she is living at YMCA with boyfriend and everyone, but us, seems quite happy with this arrangement!!! I can't understand why all so called experts are thinking this is a suitable place for her to be and no-one seems interested in assessing her mental health! Everyone seems to be of the opinion we should just let her to do whatever she likes and put up with the consequences!!!

jas58 Welcome.We have two adopted children now adults both buggered off. Our son ages 15 and our daughter aged 19 and a half. Neither are making good choices and are both currently living with unsuitable partners. Both got in with the wrong crowd. Like your daughter they both show/try and hide their anger about their life, and take it out on me very often, not physically as they would not be standing upright!!!. But being awkward and hateful and resentful. We would not rely too much on Post Adoption finding accomodation in our experince or them caring either.Son at 15 did go into FC under a Section 20 but that caused nearly as many problems for us as apparnetly it all gets turned onto you. We pointed out even at that time that it was nothing to do with us, and everything to do with the xxxx hole scum birth parents.At 16, a child can leave care anyway, so it is unlikely that your child will go into FC. Might find her a B&B.Since leaving both our two have been in contact with the scum bag remaining birth mother and it is not working out!!. Giving them more problems as she has never changed from the day they where taken from her!!We are here to support you.Love Darcy & Mr D xx

hi you have some excelent advice already and i just want to offer my support to you

Jas58 have sent you a pm

Do you still have contact with your adopted kids? She has been offered temporary crash pad accomodation, but I wonder what will happen if she refuses to go?

If that question is to me jas, son re-established contact with us again after nearly 5 years of SS undermining our parenting and pandering to his every whim!!. Daughter after about a year and 3 months, both are suffering after leaving our house, and both are in abusive relationships, second one for daughter, and son living with a bully of a girlfriend. This is what I say about that, son is living with a person like his birthmum, and daughter with an abuser like her bdad, both relationships she has had have been with men who are very similar to look at as her BF, (deceased!!). I believe that she is now self harming in a round about way.Love and Support Darcy xx

Hi DarcyThanks for our messages. How old are our kids now? It is all so sad. Our d is very angry and refuses to speak to us at all. SS have been useless so far. Just telling us to put up with her behaviour and welcome her back with open arms. I don't feel we can do this without support because she will just put us through this again. There is a history of mental illness in her birth family and I feel she is showing early signs of possible bi-polar disorder. She can be very scarey when angry.

Hello jas,Our children are 21 and nearly 20 now. I too think Miss D has traits of bi-polar. It is so sad. As for SS telling you to put up with it. Why?? You should be able to be treated with some respect by those you love say I!!.We welcomed our two with caution, and still remain cautious to this day, as our two are taking after their BP's big time!!!.Love Darcy xx

Is it so awful to admit I actually don't want her back? I feel dreadful, but that is the truth. The past years have been so relentlessly stressful day after day. I could cope fine with the odd blow out, but its the daily lying, stealing, excuse making, refusing to admit responsibility for anything that has worn me down. SS etc just say we must take her back unconditionally and put up with it, but I honestly think if I have to do that I will have a nervous breakdown......

If it where me I would say to SS not at 16 and a half I don't have to take anyone back and put up with it. I would add, and of course this is just me to the SW who said this " I tell you what I will send her to your house, being as you are so keen". Believe you me I would.Love Darcy xx

Sounds like a good idea!!! No - she has crossed a boundary now and must live by her choices. I will always want her to be part of my life, but I can't have her live full-time here again now. I just don't trust her.

sending pm Jet

your post resonated with me Jas58....my daughter left home 2 nights ago...and we have not heard from her since then.Unlike many Ý do not - did not- have day to day issues with my dd. She is compliant at home and very charming but likes to lead a double life...when her other life is discovered a very different dd appears...angry/aggressive/ defiant/ desperate to leave home ...this is what happened 2 nights ago when her liitle sister cracked under the pressure of keeping some of her sisters secrets became too much for her...and told us what she knew.She didnt know everything * nobody knows everything.The same problem appears every summer since puberty....each year she takes bigger and bigger risks. This time she endangered her sisters life...and her own. She has been leaving our home in the night and coming back before we wake...smöking/unsavoury friends/shoplifted whilst Ý was BUYÝNG her new clothes. We dont live in the UK...live in a small village...Ý really thought she was maturing. Had a great school report, she was focused on getting into uni...now...Ý really dont know what the future holds for any of us.

Birdlady's advice is good. It is the way I got support for my DS not only do they have to house them more importantly they have to by law do an assessment of their support needs.They did argue it but i stuck to my guns quoted the southwark ruling, I had to go in to a meeting and say as of this date he will be homeless and I also found him a solicitor who emailed on the back of mine quoting the law at them. After that they back down very quicklyI was threatened with having to pay towards it but nothing came of itAfter years of fighting SS for support after the assessment they realised how much support he needed and he received it My DS is still at 20 being supported by the leaving care team and now has his own tenancy.