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Hi Mimi,

I think you need to do more reading on the effects of attachment and trauma on an adopted child. You should also do some reading on conditions such as ADHD, ASD, PDA, FASD and learning difficulties as these also tend to affect adopted children. If you do this reading it will be clear to you why social workers ask for one parent to take 12 months adoption leave when a child is placed. In fact some adopters find that their child's needs are such that they are either never able to go back to work or have to go part time or change jobs.

You need to show social workers that you are prepared to put the child's needs before your own. I would therefore suggest that if you are serious about adopting then you start saving now so that when a child is placed you are financially able to take the time off.

You need to realise that parenting an adopted child is completely different from parenting a securely attached birth child.

Good luck with your journey

I took off a year and DH had 4 weeks as he added leave to paternity. However the 4 weeks were busy with social worker visits and foster carer visits. Our DS was 10 months on placement. When we used child care I worked part time as a whole week was too much. When he started school I worked less in the holidays and we covered most of the holidays ourselves and even when he went to the occasional holiday club and even if he enjoyed it he found it challenging.

Since he was at the end of primary school and now in Secondary DH has become main carer as someone has needed to be available when school have needed someone to go in, for meetings or on days when he can't cope with going to school.

We have never used childcare clubs after school as by the end of the day he had had enough and needed to unwind.

Then there have been appointments with school discussing problems, play therapy sessions and meeting with professionals to get diagnoses as well as ongoing meetings. And now contacting school where support is needed or them contacting us.

Also he has always found being with other people even to play with friends difficult as he finds it hard to ask other adults for things he needs.

seconding what windfalls has said

Very few people have neither mortgage nor rent. I’m a single mum, I did have a great adoption package from work, but little in the way of savings. My son was at school after 6 weeks, I had 13 months off. 9 years on I’m still part time but slowly nudging towards full time. You manage.

Remember that even if you adopt a school age child, there are 13 weeks of school holidays to cover, plus teacher training days, snow days etc. Personally I feel if you have a school age child, its important that in that first year they don’t go to holiday clubs etc. Its important time to build your relationship. I used no childcare, after school or holiday clubs at all the first year, apart from one week which was basically an extension of the school term for a week. I really feel this was critical to consolidating our relationship.

Adoption will be an enormous shock to you. Believe me, I needed every last day of my 13 months and wish that I could have had another 6. You will be more exhausted, physically, mentally, emotionally than you can imagine. Until you get your adoption order you will have visits from social workers and review meetings.

Few people have no issues to address when they go through the process. Think of this as the first problem to solve. What can you do to make the finances work, savings, reducing expenditure, remortgaging can save significant amounts of money. When I first started looking at adoption my finances did not stack up, so I got a new job, took me two years to find the right job but it was worth it to put me in the best financial position, Don’t forget there is now the option of sharing the adoption leave.

Finally remember that like football, adoption is a game of two halves, getting approved is one thing, getting matched is another. There will be plenty of people who can offer 12 months, if you can’t, its potentially something that can tip the balance away from

What everyone else has already said. Regardless of whether you adopt a baby or an older child, you’re going to need to take that time. What do you plan to do around school runs, school holidays, inset days, bearing in mind than an awful lot of children just cannot do childcare? If/when you return to work how will you manage that? Lots of children struggle with education - not all schools are trauma aware and far too many adoptive parents find they simply cannot carry on post children as they did before. Many have to reduce their hours, some struggle to return to work at all.

Ultimately if you’re in consideration for a child along with other prospective parents who are able and willing to take 12 months leave, then in all likelihood the family finder may well opt for the other family.

Children are expensive creatures who, unfortunately, don’t always fit in with us ... we have to flex and sws will be looking for flexibility