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Yes. We felt similar at our prep groups-we almost had to apologise for having the good fortune to already have child.Yes I totally get that these are traumatised kids but the thing is they are still kids. And what works for one doesn't work for another-you have to adjust your parenting strategy accordingly. But you would do this anyway.I was a bit surprised by how little some people without birth kids on our prep course seemed to know about kids at all. Think of all the wealth of great parenting skills you have already-we just have to use them differently second time around.

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I'm sorry you had this reaction, it does happen a lot in every day life too.I don't have birth children but was repeatedly told by friends and family, who do have birth children, how hard parenting was and I couldn't possibly know what it was like. Well...hello, no I couldn't could I? I'd never done it before!There does seem to be people out there who think that everyone else is daft and only they know what's what. We each have our own experiences and we can hopefully learn more things from others and share their experiences, nothing worse than being patronised!I wish you well in whatever you decide, if you come up against these kinds of people in the future, just smile serenely and carry on with your journey, once you are out of the door they'll be doing the same thing to the next lot. It's them, not you, who have a problem.Best wishes xx

Hi Fuitbat Sorry to hear you are feeling so down and frustrated after prep group especially as you probably are feeling enthusiastic and very ready for the journey ahead and feel you are already being judged and told that this is very different to parenting birth children. I completely understand as i have two BD and one newly placed AD so know that parenting comes in different adaptations for each child and their various needs and characters. One thing i would say is to maybe look at it in a different way so it dispels that feeling of being patronised,take it as helpful information that may give you strengh in your journey as i do believe it is better to have social workers who are happy to be honest and not flower things. During the whole process i have learnt that resilience is key and at times i definately had to not take things personally even when it feels like things are said in a judgemental way. This is no critisism but you have to be open minded enough to jump through many hurdles so by being able to accept that people will try and advise and help give you insights into parenting a child from care will be an asset and something you can draw on in the future.Parents with or without birth children can bring different things to different children and all have strenghts and weaknesses so it is great to seek opportunities to learn tips from each. I do appreciate its so necessary to have a rant at times especially when dealing with social services but try and think what can i take from this that may help me as they will be looking for parents that are not easily offended. I am not going to lie parenting is different with adopted little ones but i always think if you have had a birth child you are at an advantage with with parenting skills but at a disadvantage as matching can take longer and the way your birth child/children feel can be a complete unknown until it happens and their feelings can really affect how you feel.Please dont think im patronising i just couldn`t read and run as i do understand how you feel!! Hope the next stage of your adoption goes smoothly.moo-chin

our LA were not patronising at all and treated us the same as everybody else who didn't have a birth childwhile there is no excuse for them being rude or patronising I do agree that adopting is nothing like having a birth childI agree to that a big age gap is preferablemy DD was only 15 months old when she was placed with usShe supposedly had no issuesShe was incredibly violent with our BS who was 9 at the time. He was upset of course and it was a challenging timeHad he been younger I am not sure I could've loved or cared for a child who hurt my baby - if you see what I meanbecause he was older he was able to understand more, his needs were very different, he got quality time with us when she was in bed

Its such a shame for you to be so enthusiastic then feel so beaten and misunderstood and partonised. If their tone was really projected that way then that sucks and they really should send out post questionnaires so you can say this so they can do better next time.What I would say very kindly as one birth family + adopter to another (prospective), is that I feel I have done a fab job with my BS and though he was the simplist child in the world, and I take much credit for that!! :-) and having been around some extremely difficult children in his friends, I felt there was nothing I couldnt overcome. I read and read and was sooooo prepared.I wasnt prepared for my very personal emotional journey. Parenting is so so so different with my AD than I could ever have imagined and not because she is different, or difficult, or has suffered loss or any of those things. I'm sorry to be saying that when its the one thing you dont want to hear but there is no way of putting it. Honestly the most MASSIVE thing that I never expected to say, is that the hardest part for me is that I dont (yet) have the depth of emotion for AD as I do BS and the negative impact this has on my tolerance, patience, niceness at times, anger at times, ability to be therapeutic towards my girl, etc etc etc is HUGE as a result.I see it as this, maybe they are not trying to patronise you or say you are rubbish, of course you are not. But at the risk of me becoming "one of them" I have to agree that you dont know how different it is, you cant know. Did you know how it would feel to be a parent before you had your birth child?, This is just as unknown, a child is not just a child who you can love regardless. It wouldnt have been just the same had you had another BC - you made them, your genes are in them, they carry many of your traits, they came out of you adoring every element of you, its all they ever knew, you pushed them out adoring every part of them, you felt this little miracle grow, they came out blank, you moulded them to your way from day 1. They dont know any different. They desperately needed you and only you from day 1. They have had no other influence of their core being. All those things subconciously make you and your birth child kinda one. None of those things exist with your adopted child. Of course you know that, but you dont know the impact that has, how it makes you feel how it affects your ability to attach. And that's without underestimating the affect on your BC causes an effect on you and therefore a responce to your AC.I do think though that if they know there are birth parents in a prep course they should bring in other birth and adopter parents, I think they would sound less patronising and you would maybe be more inclined to kinda believe what they say.Please dont be put off, but please dont take for granted that your ride will be easier or more pre-skilled with you already knowing how to parent. Our parenting experience has helped us with daily techniques but IMHO has seriously impaired our emotional responce and this is the part that headlines the mood/pleasure/stress of each day.I consider our adoption to be a success (a year in). I dont regret it, I truly believe that on balance all our lives are and will be richer having our girl. I truly believe she has the life she could never have had before and that she will grow to be a better happier person that she deserves to be. But even with our girl having no additional issues, it is hard hard hard some days and I am resillience personified.xx

Thanks so much, everyone, for all the support, honesty and advice - and for listening to the rant! I have calmed down over the long weekend, and reading all your posts has really helped me get my perspective back. I agree, we should take this as the first of many tests of our resilience! I won't pretend I don't still go cold sometimes when I think what we might be unleashing on our BD, but we have to trust ourselves to make the right decisions when the time comes, and not allow ourselves to be discouraged at the beginning before anything is even known about how she will be like or feel in a few years, or who we might be matched with. I guess we'll just keep on reading and researching, and plodding ahead until we feel ready to make an approach again. Onwards and upwards!

Fruitbat: you might be interested to know that when I was first adopting many years ago, my agency actually refused to consider people who had one birth child. (They would only consider families with two or more birth children.)Their reasoning was that too many such families were looking for a "companion" sibling for their "lonely" birth child and did not have a strong enough focus on the needs of the child to be adopted, which they felt should be paramount. (Patronising? Yep, you could say that!) So this wariness has a long history.I have also read on this site that the disruption rate is higher among families who have birth children, though I can't point to the actual statistics, I'm afraid. (Anyone?) There is possibly an issue of very protective feelings being aroused when a birth child is threatened by an adopted sibling. Some adopted children can pose a significant risk of harm to children already in the family, and that has to be taken into consideration by anyone adopting a second or subsequent child into the family.On the other hand there are many successful adoptions of children into families with a birth child, so don't give up!

SapphireZodiac- it is as if I could have written that post only a few months ago.Adopting a child is so very, very hard. The assessment and matching part are a walk in the park compared to the days, weeks, months and years after placement.We have 3 birth children and an adopted child who was placed 17 months ago.He is a funny, cute and generally lovely boy and I now think I love him like I love the other children but sometimes I wonder as he does seem to be able to wind me up a treat. Prior to adopting I had worked extensively with some very damaged families and children. I thought, quite wrongly, that I would be able to be calm and see past the behaviour that an adopted child might exhibit. How deluded I was! The reaction that I had to our AS was emotional and came from deep within me. Sometimes I had reacted before I had even had a chance for my brain to engage in what his behaviour was trying to tell me. I have shouted, cried and sometimes got it awfully wrong but I am still here. Sticking at it and the ability to keep going is a key factor in making it work. Having birth children can be a huge problem. Maybe you will love your AC the moment you lay eyes on them but probably not. You have to be sure that you are willing to keep going and to put your family and especially your birth child through a potentially expolsive and upsetting time. Can you be sure that you will not start to feel resentful towards an adopted child if they are hurting and upsetting your bc on purpose? There is no way to predict whether an adopted child will ever settle or be a functioning member of your family. Sometimes the grind can go on for years.If you can handle the worst case scenario then go for it. We are very glad that we have adopted our child but no doubt about it our lives would have been a lot easier if we had stuck with just our bc. I have had to do the walk of shame in school more in the last 2 terms than I have had to do in the previous 17 years! Sometimes I have felt utterly out of my depth and I had 16 years of practice before he arrived. I had to tear up the rule book and create a whole new way of being a mummy. In the early days I could not believe that we had voluntarily invited this whirlwind into our home. There were days when I really struggled but we are still here and together as a family. You can tell yourself that you are prepared but in my opinion you have no idea what is going to hit you!Very best of luck.