Archived Forums

I am sorry to hear this. Secondary school is just a minefield for our kids I think. Does he have an EHCP or, failing that, what kind of pastoral support systems do the school have in place - eg learning mentors, key workers an SEN 'safe base' where he can go when he is feeling stressed? From our experience the key thing you need to do is to increase his sense of safety (which should reduce his anxiety), whether this is through greater supervision (so a pair of eyes more likely to notice the bullying done by others, and the anxious behaviours of your son, willing and able to step in to stop things escalating) or by an agreed provision of a place he can take himself to, and an adult to offload to, when he is getting stressed. This key adult role is pretty impossible for the class teacher, who is trying to teach all the kids, and is better done by another adult, preferably non-teaching, so a key worker of some kind. Can the school provide this, with or without an EHCP? Even if they can't provide it for every lesson, can you identify the times of day or particular lessons where the issues are at their worst, and ask for additional support then? It's best done by just one or two people who can get to know your son, rather than a whole bunch of people, because if there is to be any safety and healing for our kids it will be through relationships not systems, if that makes sense. When their sense of safety is compromised they can't learn, and if the relationships with other kids are not working, his only hope is to establish safe relationships with trusted adults who can help him navigate school life. If the school can get this right, he might calm down enough and be supported enough to improve his relationships with his peers. It's not easy.

Hi Mr Whisper, sorry to hear about your son's difficulties. As chocoholic has said, the transition to secondary school can be very tough. There are no easy answers, but I'd suggest the following which helped our youngest during her first year at secondary: build the relationship with the key people in school - the form tutor, head of year, SENCo etc. It sounds like you've got a good starting point for this, so continue to build the link. Regular communication is key, thanking them for help that they give to your son, and acknowledging to them that there are sometimes limits to what they can do to stop kids being mean to each other. When you need to phone/ email you want the person to be happy to hear from you and keen to work with you, not thinking, "oh no, it's X again"! work out if there are times at school which are particularly hard. My daughter was bullied on her way home, so the school arranged for a Y11 student to walk her home, which helped a lot. She also found lunchtimes difficult, struggling to socialise with other children. We eventually found out there was a film club, some lunch times, so she now knows she can go to that and doesn't have to chat. keep up the friendships and activities out of school. Of course we want our children to have lots of friends, but 2 or 3 good friends from out of school will be great and boost confidence, so encourage them to keep seeing each other (working with the parents if needs be - kids that age can be a bit rubbish at sorting out their own social lives). Also, with out of school activities such as swimming and guides my daughter got to know younger children (she's young for her age and finds it easier to get on with younger children.) This was good for keeping her socialising when times were tough at school, but has had the second benefit that some of these children have now joined the school in younger years (my daughter is now in Y9) so she has more friends she sees at school. Don't get me wrong, the issues aren't completely sorted. She hasn't really made friends like her older sisters have, but she is doing well at school, has a couple of friends from school who she occasionally meets up with socially outside of school, has strategies to manage the bits of school (basically the unstructured time) that she still finds tricky, and generally has enough people she knows and is comfortable with in and out of school to feel that she belongs. I do hope your son is able to find his place too. LB

It was a sports club (at school) that saved my son and gave him reasons to feel positive about himself. He attended several times a week and was in the school team - they came third in the national schools championships twice. The coach was brilliant and really supportive and encouraged him both in school and to become further involved out of school (she wasn't a teacher) and he had a good group of friends there. As the above have said there may be practical things that can be done to reduce the contact with those that are bullying - my AS was allowed to leave lessons 5minutes early to avoid situations in the school corridor - I don't know if this ever happened as it was quite late on in things - also being able to go to learning support when necessary. A specific named adult to go to or even older pupil might be useful as a mentor. Building up good relationships with all the key staff - pastoral, senco, tutor etc. In order for the school to be on your side evidence is helpful (as ours didn't count it unless an official report had been made to pastoral and a lot of bullying is ongoing low key stuff) so getting someone to observe - or if your child could keep a record of the when and where as well as the who and you could take this to a meeting - the school owe a duty of care so if things are happening in specific times and places these need to be better supervised. Also look out for things that are being used as excuses to bully and if anything can be done about these - my son had learning difficulties which the school wasn't recognising and also an endocrine condition which he now has hormone treatment he has to take for. These both took a long time to unravel but we were working on these at the same time. Kidscape is a brilliant organisation - my son and I attended a day there - it was good for him to see there were others in the same position and that they were all really nice young people - and for me to ask questions and to be supported. They can tell you what the school should be doing. Eventually my son was referred to CAMHS after school refusal over some time and expressing the intention to take his own life - and they concluded the school should be doing more - intervened in school and undertook cognitive testing etc.

Speaking from the perspective of someone who experienced this myself in the days before it was recognized to be an issue it can have long lasting impact. I have issues with personal memory so have very few memories of my childhood and indeed ended up going to counselling as part of the adoption approval process to unpick my feelings. There are other things that also have had an impact but that low level bullying left me with low self esteem and a need to be liked so a tendency to not be able to say no to anything. I am probably autistic so some of my social difficulties come from that but I am certain what i experienced at school has not helped. It does need to be sorted someway - otherwise it can impact on your son for a long time. Reducing the contact with those doing the bullying is a way forward and also being believed. Very few people accepted what was happening to me was an issue.