Edited 17/02/2021
Difficult Teen, walked out, came back keeps threatening again....help!
Erinsmummy14
November 25, 2018 11:06
Hi, Iâm looking for help as Iâm unsure what to do! We adopted 3 girls just over 11 years ago they were 2,3,&4. We are now going through the teenage years and have had a really difficult 4 years, the 2 oldest have pretty much come through everything, the middle one still with some therapy due to anger at birth family. However the youngest now 13.5 years old is proving even more difficult. She is clever and manipulative. She goes from being happy cheery and full of fun to very difficult. She tells us she can do what she wants we canât tell her what to do, she knows best, she is awful to her sisters and talks to us like we are dirt. She is very self centred and only really happy when she is getting her own way, if things arenât her way life is hell. She walked out on Friday tea time and we were searching for her. Found her with a friend going to friends house, she told me she was staying there and I couldnât make her come home. I spoke to the friends parents who were lovely and let her stay. I picked her up the next morning and she has come home. Since she got home she has hardly spoken to anyone apart from to snarl at them or have a go. Iâve asked if she will talk things through with me and her dad so we can resolve issues and move forward. She doesnât want to. She is holding over us that she will walk again if things arenât her way. My husband is of the opinion to just leave her and she will come out of it, whereas Iâm worried sick she ups and off again and we dont know where she is. Has anyone else gone through anything like this? What has helped? What do we do other than ring police if she goes missing again? We have seen CAMHS recently at my daughters request they said her mental health is good for a teenager but due to her being adopted they are offering a few sessions of talking therapy. This is still a few weeks away at least but she has asked that i contact them Monday to see if we can get things brought forward! Some of her friends who havenât been adopted have done similar things predominantly the parents are separated and they are playing one parent off against another, we are very much together but I think she is trying the same as her friends have done. My head is spinn8ng with it all so if anyone has any advice it would be appreciated. Thank you
safia
November 25, 2018 11:50
Itâs great that sheâs really keen to engage with therapy and maybe given whatâs happened and what sheâs saying they might be able to bring things forward - or at least see it as a priority and maybe give you a starting date. There are obviously things going on for her that worry her but itâs often much harder to talk to parents about these. I think all you can do is be there for her - let her know you will chase up the appointments for her and that any time she wants to talk you are happy to do so. Try to remain as calm as possible whatever she says as sheâs more likely to open up that way and maybe talk to her calmly about your worries if she went missing - she is only 13 so not really aware of the dangers - just of the need to run! What about some 1:1 time for you both - especially going somewhere - building up your relationship in any way you can
Edited 17/02/2021
Johanna
November 25, 2018 12:03
Hi Wow that post took me back to when our girls were teens. They are both adults now. I call it being an extreme teen. It is everything to the nth degree. With our younger girl at 13, there were issues as she had increasing contact with her bm who moved to our neighbourhood. I was called all kinds of names and she made me feel unsafe at home. I did not know what to do and where our relationship was going. I did not know whether I was causing or exacerbating the problem. We had so little support as well and very little understanding from social work teams. As Special Guardians we did not have access to specialist adoption sws. In the end I took her on a coach trip to Europe for a week or so ( DH had strong reservations). We were together constantly .... sitting, twin room, eating together. There were no problems. It was a peaceful time after the volatility when she could just walk away to friends and not let us know where she was. Later she had an Ed Psych report which put her on the 99th percentile for refusal behaviours and anxiety behaviours. We had to access the care system because bm involvement had hugely impacted on our family life. However, it became shared care because she chose to then spend the majority of her time with us. I am pleased to say that our relationship with both girls ( now adult) is positive. They do have needs over and above peer group but are able to show affection and relax with us. It is positive that your daughter wants the talking therapy to start sooner. You must as a family feel pretty exhausted after guiding her two sisters through their anger and anxiety. Wishing you all the best as a family. Johanna x
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Pear Tree
November 25, 2018 12:24
Hello. I agree with the posts above. Itâs extreme behaviour and yes teens do do things that are awful but the troubles with iffy attachment, early trauma and epigentics pile on the extra. Take a look at this short piece. https://thepotatogroup.org.uk/2014/09/19/welcome-to-the-world-of-leggit-scarper/ Itâs full of practical tips. Actually if you email the POTATO group they are used to supporting families with similar issues in their peer led group
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Milly
November 25, 2018 12:26
At 13 - 15 one of mine used to run off - usually it related to school issues when she wouldn't always come home but sometimes she stormed out the house. She didn't have friends she could go to which was worse as it meant we had no one to contact, and knowing she was alone made us worry what she might do (she had made threats of self harm). I would send regular non judgemental texts and eventually she would answer. There was one time when she went without her phone which was horrible. After that I talked to her about being safe - taking her phone, bus pass, money etc if she wanted to go. I was afraid to tell her off for it for fear she would be afraid to come home (often was anyway as she felt so ashamed) but after one evening where we heard nothing from her from after school until 1 am, I did explain the impact on us and asked for more consideration. Specifically that we paid for her phone so she could contact us, and actually she responded well to that and has generally let us know where she is ever since (now 18) - guess that wouldn't work for all though! Other than that we would encourage her to go to a relative's as she was often reluctant to face us. That did work sometimes. Also generally spending more quality time with her helped which encouraged her to believe we cared and to open up about some worries she had. We also phoned the police if too many hours passed without contact, but they never once found her - twice brought her home but once was at her request and once as she made contact with a stranger(!) who helped her and got the police involved. Every other time she turned up later that evening and actually had usually been travelling on public transport so was relatively safe. (Never did attempt self harm but we had some dark moments.) She also had therapy (with us involved) around this time - for around 2 years from 14. This did help a lot but not in an immediate way.
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Milly
November 25, 2018 12:32
P'S my dd was terrible about talking about her feelings. She just couldn't do it as she didn't necessarily understand them herself. What helped was to suggest how she might be feeling and why. I think the therapy really helped that although she rarely communicated them verbally even then. But at 17 she started seeing her therapist at CAMHS on her own on a regular basis - her choice, and also a counsellor at college, so she is now much better at expressing them verbally. And much quicker to calm down after an outburst.
Edited 17/02/2021
Milly
November 25, 2018 12:39
Sorry another point. My dd has always been the type to "hide" from or ignore problems. So running is a natural extension of that - flight rather than fight. My now 13 yo gets very anxious and / or angry but she wouldn't run - pretends she will sometimes but it's not her style! She fights back (ie rants and threatens) - but she's also a good problem solver. And can express her feelings very well - loves talking therapy! Overall that's easier to deal with, so far anyway.
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pingu123
November 25, 2018 13:31
Fight AND flight were both my younger ones style at one time. We arranged with one of his friends mothers that he could go there if he felt the need to flee the house, and let him know that was ok with us. She was one of the teachers at his school and had her own troubles as well. Not to stay over though he did have sleepovers there when he was not in trouble . He only once tried to use this escape route( didn't actually get there as his elder brother met him and talked him back) We told our son that he was our responsibility and when he was in a bad place we needed him at home. We also reminded him that the police would bring him home if we reported him missing, and that if he ran he would lose pocket money because we were not going to facilitate him running away and staying out without permission. He is very money motivated so it did help. Funnily enough her son ended up at our door after a teenage argument with her, when she had to lay down the law, and my elder son walked him back and talked some sense into him, so it ended up mutual help ! They moved last year and I still miss her as she was someone who " got it" Ds2 doesnt tend to flight anymore and fight is more verbal these days, but very unpleasant and stressful. It's his first external exam year and he is leaking a lot of stress and trauma.
Edited 17/02/2021
safia
November 25, 2018 14:12
Sometimes it just helps if they know thereâs somewhere they can run to when they feel the need and knowing that can often calm them down without actually having to use it
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Erinsmummy14
November 25, 2018 14:24
Thank you so much for your replies and words of support encouragement and advice. I felt defeated this morning but reading your replies has given me hope and helped me achieve a little perspective. I lost my Mam a year ago so everything feels so much worse as I donât have her support. I am ringing CAMHS tomorrow and hopefully will get things moving quicker. We have managed to talk a little since this morning and we have agreed if she is feeling like she would run off she tells us she is feeling that way and we back off, let her go to her room and we just move around without talking until she feels ready, even if that is a number of days. Thankfully at school she is the perfect child, high achiever, gets on with her work and has good friends. I suppose the fact she is how she is with us probably indicates that she feels safe being like that as she knows we wonât give up on her! Thank you for the link to the potato group I will check that out as well. Thank you again for your responses and care itâs good to know we are not alone, unfortunately our friends and family donât understand the challenges we face!
Edited 17/02/2021
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