Edited 17/02/2021
AD pays back every kindness with naughtiness
queencactus
August 14, 2016 12:55
We adopted 2 little girls over 2 years ago, then aged just 4 and 2 3/4. They had been in care for over 2 years, for one year with the same carers. The eldest was suspected strongly of having ADHD, attachment disorder (she wouldn't look at or speak to her female carer for the first 6 months and only touched her on the day we took her away.) Both were recorded as having behavioural difficulties, especially Robin (older). The carers clearly struggled with her and she was mostly full time in nursery. She was like a little feral cat. The younger one (wren)they doted on. From the first it was clear to us that Robin never got positive attention, and was always punished for Wrens behaviour. if Wren wanted something, she screamed til she got it and Robin was sent to naughty chair for making her do it. She did not like to eat vegetables (Wren) and was fed on sugar (after refusing a meal she would say she was thirsty and so was fed on milkshake). To cut a long story short (but this incredible over-indulgence as the expense of elder is the root) when they moved in, we physically had to prevent Wren from hurting Robin (elder) all day long, every single minute. Both were extremely delayed in speech despite spending most of their lives in care. Robin could not bear to be touched. Within hours it was obvious that although robin did not know how to play as Wren destroyed everything she touched, she did not have ADHD, she was attention-deficit. We gave her this almost all day, which with the 2 minute attention span, no play skills,anxiety attacks, tantrums,and almost no speech and constant violence and jealous screaming from Wren was a nightmare. Within a month Robin was quite different. Within about 6 she was transformed. It took many months, perhaps 10 before she began to show real signs of trust, or could accept a bedtime kiss. (first year or so was complete hell all told) But right from the start she sucked up positive attention and blossomed, (for example she was mental age 3 at 4 and at 6 she's reading age 12) she's had set-backs, but I don't think people would know she had such awful problems. Wren was a performer, she would do anything for attention, especially flirt (shocking in a 2 year old) and put on an extreme charm act which frankly I found repulsive but many others including social workers fell for it (and got a bite shortly after). We had to take her to have most of her teeth removed as she'd been fed on sugar in care and nearly all her teeth were rotten. My problem is, we have worked consistently with both girls, Wren is naturally more affectionate so has had more than her share of cuddles etc, I reward each for effort, kindness etc, I praise according to ability, and won't allow robin to mock Wrens much younger efforts, at say drawing. Both girls appear to be very attached to us. But in order to give them the stability and calm they needed I've had to be extremely consistent and rule based (against my nature) and worst of all, and the bit I am SERIOUSLY struggling with, is that any spontaneous kindness, affection or treat is met happily by Wren but shortly after by meanness, spite or deliberate naughtiness. Eg. a cuddle -she then gets down and goes and hurts her sister, or lies on the sofa snivelling. She loves workbooks (aimed well below her age) so if I sit down and do that one to one she loves that, but then she says "I wish you weren't my mum. "She's very good at scissors (part of our bonding has been an hours craft together almost every day for 700 days (i don't think I am guilty of lack of effort) so being 5 next month, I gave her a little pair of scissors to keep in her craft drawer. Immediately she cut off most of her hair. How she managed it in two minutes I don't know. (she can reach all kinds of 'grown'up' arts and crafts stuff and has never done this sort of thing.) When I change her bed she waits until her dad has opened the curtains and left the room and then wees in it. She never does this asleep, on holiday, or in someones elses house. I try leaving the smelly bed for a week even several weeks and then changing it, she does it immediately. She gloats "now you have more work Mummy"......."I spoiled the day" whatever. It sounds pathetic written down! But everytime I reward her as a mark of her maturity or cuddle her or just give her a little something without comment (basically any action I did/ do to any other children - we have grown up birth children so I'm not inexperienced, also one has Aspergers so difficult children aren't out of my experience either)within half an hour she has done something deliberately bad. Like gone upstairs and tipped 2 bottles of shampoo into the bath. it feels like she spends all her energy on trying to make me angry or sad. She revels in 'punishments' ( I never used the naughty chair and try time In and all that) but the only way to stop her escalating is to make her miss out on little things - no DVd time or something. We have talked over therapy for her, but any person who gives her attention she worships in a false -seeming negative way, so that it just makes her behaviour worse at home.She charms everyone and so they can't see there is a problem. it must be ME! We basically have this most days. BUT I do feel there is a loving, kind little girl there, but I am sacred she'll grow into a kind of femme fatal! she used to like babies but I see her deliberately trying to hurt babies pretending it is an accident, same with other peoples pets etc (we don't have any)she is getting behind as she is blocking her own learning by putting so much energy into trying to be horrid. I feel I trust her less now she is older than when she was an impulsive 3 acting 2. She's now 5 acting 3. But it feels very much like ACTING, we don't feel she's mentally incapable. Basically she just can't bear the fact that we love BOTH girls, she wants to live in a world where only she is loved, doted on and rewarded no matter how nasty she has been. I'll never be good enough for her (Good enough parenting is the s/w catchphrase isn't it?) and she still harps on about people from the past "i love that lady who was on the train, I want her to be my mum, not you." or new people ( a bagpiper smiled at her and she obsessed over him for weeks). They call her darling, and THEY never tell her to behave. And she can. For granny she can be an angel My Mum doesn't know what I am on about. Perhaps I am tired? Certainly we can have nice days just so long as I don't cuddle, give choices, be spontaneous or 'fun' in any way. i feel like I MANAGE her not mother her. I am worried our bond and her future will be seriously affected. I can't continue to be loving and be punished for it, I've kept it up for over 2 years. it's harder and harder to treat the two even vaguely the same as Robin is pretty much 'normal' when with me anyway. Odd squabble and pinch but that's about it. Any comments?? Apart from "Make more time for yourself, get out more...."!!! I'd really appreciate some help with this.
aumadgrajac2016
August 14, 2016 17:48
Hi I am wondering if you have had any diagnosis of attachment disorder? It's sound like they have had a very rough start to have the behaviours that indicate issues of self worth? Have you looked into the adoption support fund for some professional assistance? Are the kids in school and do school have problems as well? I think with the number of things you mentioned you may have to start to work on one or two of the issues and expect it to take a long time for reliable progress. Use the P A C E parenting techniques but I think you need more help and the adoption support fund application through a social worker assessment of need maybe the way to go? It sound like they don't 'trust' adults to be consistent because of their start in life? Small steps and one of the best things we were told was that parent the child along the level that they appear... an 8 year old that wants feeding like a baby/toddler has had that building block missed in their development, so feed them. If it's a missing block then it will continue to effect the other areas of development. We have spent a couple of years rebuilding and filling holes in our children's 'wall' even if at times it looks silly/feels uncomfortable, bottle feeding, spoon feeding, rocking to sleep, singing nursery rhymes etc. It's reaping lots of rewards now(it can take awhile and regress to stages like bed wetting but overall worth doing). Helpful?
Edited 17/02/2021
chocoholic
August 15, 2016 01:22
It's classic attachment behaviour from a child with a) rock-bottom self-esteem and b) a fundamental belief that the adults in her life will reject and abandon her. She cannot handle praise or positive experience as it clashes with her inner narrative that a) she is bad and worthless and b) you will reject and abandon her. So she sabotages everything, to create a return to the world she knows and understands, where she is the 'bad' girl and you are angry and disappointed in her. Twirl, my 12-year-old daughter, who has been with us for 11 years, still does this, not quite to the extremes you describe, but close enough. You say 'I feel like I manage her, not mother her...' Absolutely, been there, still there sometimes, got multiple versions of that Tshirt. If feeling like you are mothering her, means feeling like you are in a reciprocal relationship, a two-way relationship of care and respect, as with your birth children, you may need a new definition of mothering, sadly. Endlessly pouring in love, attention, care for little or no reward, and plenty of active abuse? There are weeks and months when that seems to fit the bill here precisely... I don't have any easy answers. There are no quick fixes. It's a long hard road. You also say 'I can't continue to be loving and be punished for it.' This is a really hard one, you can only learn to be loving despite the behaviour if you deep down recognise the behaviour not as naughtiness, but as a desperate cry for help, for relationship, for you to keep challenging her inner narrative and meet her attempts at rejection with consistent love and care. 'Normal' parenting won't cut it. I too have older birth children, and I have had to drop almost all the expectations I had of them, especially in terms of the responses I expected of them - gratitude for a treat? owning up when they'd done something wrong? understanding consequences? showing concern if I am hurt or upset? The boys did all this - reciprocal relationships - naturally, my daughter is barely capable of any of it. Instead I have had to learn PACE, which is mostly counter-intuitive to normal parenting, and apply it day in and day out. I'm not very good at it, but it is the only approach which sometimes offers an opportunity to make a genuine connection with my daughter. When I see her make those tiny steps forward, perhaps being able to articulate a feeling, explain why she is anxious, make a genuine apology, it gives me just enough hope to help me keep going through the endless cr@p where I am her favourite target for all her awful feelings about herself, and her story, and which she solely, endlessly, expresses through anger. I read lots of books, but we only really starting using PACE properly when we started DDP sessions with a psychologist through the Adoption Support Fund. I really would advise you get in touch with your post-adoption social worker team and request a family assessment of need so you can access the ASF. This isn't something you should have to be dealing with alone, and time alone won't be enough to sort it out, but will actually entrench patterns of behaviour / responses even more. Having a psychologist available, who knows us all, who understands the situation, and can help us learn to be therapists for our daughter, has been an absolute lifeline over the last 12 months, as Twirl progresses through adolescence and into her teens. Parenting a child like this can be incredibly isolating, as other people don't see the behaviour and often can't see past the surface charm. Having a supportive professional available for advice, who 'gets it', has really really helped us cope. I don't know what you've read already, but Nancy Verrier's 'The Primal Wound', Bryan Post's 'From Fear to Love' and anything by Dan Hughes, have been helpful for us. I am sorry if this is not a particularly positive post, I wish I had better answers for you. It's especially hard when there are other children in the mix and they are on the receiving end of trauma due to the overwhelming needs / behaviours of their sibling. Thinking of you all, hang on in there.
Edited 17/02/2021
safia
August 15, 2016 12:52
I don't know that I have much to add - except to say that I have a 20 year old who exhibits many of these behaviours - and you feel like saying "for God's sake you're an adult now - grow up!" - but of course its not that simple. I would advise getting help - through the ASF is you are in England - as soon as possible - I read a lot and that helped but I wish we had asked for professional help earlier. I think part of the problem was that we were experienced parents too and also I had worked with children for years - many of them with very significant problems - but none of it is the same. I thought understanding and applying adapted techniques would help - which it did to some extent but it was never enough. Its one thing understanding the reasons for something but quite another developing effective strategies. I just want to say too that you seem to be doing brilliantly and in fact doing all the right things so I think what you need is professional help - even just someone who has experience of working with adoptive families who can listen to you and suggest strategies and then talk through with you how / whether they worked so together you can learn how her mind is working and help her change. I think therapy for her would be very useful too but I think support for you comes first.
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chocoholic
August 15, 2016 13:01
just one other thing - your comment about therapy. We also found that when Twirl had one-to-one counselling / therapy it was completely useless, mainly because she was completely in charge, could say what she liked, it was totally confidential and she pretty much manipulated the counsellor and LOVED the fact she didn't have to share with us what she had said. Having DDP has been a totally different experience. It's family therapy. She never sees the psychologist without us there, so she just can't get away with presenting her own version of events. In fact, she doesn't even try, in front of us. It's been a much more real experience. And because it is as much about equipping us to help her, as it is about directly helping her, it has been more positive on all fronts
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Corkwing
August 15, 2016 19:15
Hi - I wonder whether the two of them can't cope with being together. And I mean, "can't cope". I don't mean, "find it difficult" or "have some sibling rivalry". I really mean that placing them together, although it sounds lovely, was a major, major mistake. We had that. We spent years trying to make it work, allowed two of our others to continue getting more traumatised and eventually had to have one of ours accomodated. Wish we'd accepted the sibling placement assessment we were offered many years beffore but turned down because we so, so wanted to make it work.
Edited 17/02/2021
queencactus
August 15, 2016 19:16
Thank you to everyone who has responded to this both here and privately, it's all been a great help. Just reading over the experiences and comments has helped. Of course I wrote it at an extreme moment and though that doesn't make it less true it does miss out the fact that if I stick to being 'boring, predictable routine Mum' without the surprise treat or spontaneous play,w e have very nice days. She's a lovely girl. I think PACE is my natural parenting only I would have been more flexible, spontaneous and needed very few rules with birth kids as boundaries were unspoken and obvious. I never had a naughty step or stuff like that, but I was firm when needed, they just preferred to get on with stuff and not make trouble. But then they had it from dot and didn't have trauma or any reason to be afraid. Also i wanted to comment that older responded completely to our 'new' parenting (also based on experience but with the routine and utter monotonous consistency thrown in. She is totally different, more happy, joyful, creative , confident and popular at home and school than any of her non-adopted cousins. She has 'adopted moments' (key dates on the calendar, extra anxiety) at times but we know them and can work with her. Her trust in us is amazing. She totally believes if I say something (even something stupid) I will do it. If I say I will be there at the end she really believes it. She's also forgiving. She's learnt (we never asked for ) thank you, and those moments of genuine pleasure and the thank you that comes, are wonderful. If she's getting anew teacher, she enjoys talking through the worries et,c and we say "I bet mrs so and so will love having you in her class, mrs P did because..." So we have tried all this kind of stuff with Wren. We felt that a lot of her screaming at 3 (with mental and skills of 18m) was actually frustration at not being 3 as she'd been so babied. She loved (until recently?) being given little jobs and responsibilities "I really need your help in the kitchen " type stuff. She really seemed to be going the right way. Despite some entrenched seeming behaviour like the wetting...When we encouraged R to use cutlery at 5 W was actually keener and first to manage knife and fork, that sort of thing. We also did the regression thing a lot, keeping her in nappies, bottles (she still has one first thing) all that stuff for both. But she couldn't wait to be out of nappies and was dry from day one (at 3.5 admittedly) and only wets to 'annoy'. So it's like she wants to be older or even be R but also wants to be the baby. After I wrote all the above I sat her down and told her the bad behaviour made me very sad, but nothing would make me stop loving her, I loved her good or bad, but it was very hard to be a fun Mum if naughty stuff was making me feel sad. I don't usually put my feelings around tho I do talk about them in the past if I think it might help "when I was your age I felt x when x happened". She went extremely quiet and I was really worried I'd done worse than shouting or whatever. Then she came and got on my knee and said she wished she was my baby..... I sang her a lullaby at bedtime (that she would call a baby song, not one we usually sing) and instead of story before work (usually refused and opposed) a very embarrassed dad offered story or song and rocking with lullaby was chosen. W came down very red-faced but it was like the stress had gone out of her, she's sung and chatted and co-operated all day. She's been affectionate but not in her usual 'stop Mum from taking to sister or dad kind of way' so I've been able to respond freely without consequence. I feel so stupid I didn't try this before as I remember having a crisis with R and she saying the same thing and us dealing with it like that ....but then we know she totally missed out on affection and babyhood so it didn't feel so odd. It had a similar miraculous effect. NOT that tomorrow won't be bad, of course, or may not be.....but it's very odd how this' regressive handling ' affects the self-esteem thing....if it does deep down I don't know but as I say R is doing brilliantly. Soooo...thank you all so much. I feel very much that one to one therapy would be a Bad plan, as Chocoholic reports. Like her we had wide experience so thought a younger one would catch up given same loving understanding and room to be herself? I Would definitely look into family therapy tho if we can't cross this hurdle to a significant level quick....I'm very aware how pre-teens can 'crash' and more so with the added strain of past neglect and abandonment/ adoption...so I do agree it has to be dealt with very young. I guess that's what made me feel at breaking point- I mean if you really care it hurts doesn't it, as so many many adopters have commented on this forum. thank you all, even for reminding me what i knew, i guess that 2 years isn't so long and if we can see it almost as starting again from today as if she moved in and how she'd feel about that, maybe we will get to the route of it? I think we all must get to moments when we feel we've built a wall round it all and can't see over? Very very sad to hear for some how it doesn't always get better tho, and that I'll keep with me , because it might be us if we don't change things. Fingers crossed, and for everyone else who reads this too.
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Corkwing
August 15, 2016 19:23
By the way, let me say that you sound like a fantastic mum! You're obviously incredibly committed, have great courage, skill, knowledge and sensitivity. And you clearly love these kids intensely. I just wish that all kids had the ability to respond to those qualities...
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safia
August 15, 2016 19:48
Can I just say it sounds like you've had a real breakthrough so try and remember that conversation - especially when things get difficult as it seems really significant - and develop it as you go on. Also it struck me that maybe deep down you feel some anger / resentment yourself towards your younger daughter for always being treated as the favourite in foster care and denying your older daughter the attention she needed? Maybe your younger daughter may even feel some guilt deep down for the way things were so its worth eventually trying to address that. It's a long haul isn't it constantly trying to analize and unravel the many aspects of what is going on for our kids
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queencactus
August 15, 2016 20:39
Thank you, I'm crazy about them, maybe a bit obsessed?! I just so want the best for them, and will do anything I can. I hope it's abreak through - we all have good days...I hope.....I too wish all kids could respond, and not at all certain Wren can, deep down??......interesting comment about the resentment on my part which I will think about - although I think it's a fury at the care system that forces children to be cared for inadequately - although i couldn't be a foster carer myself so I'm not running anyone down - but to be have rotten teeth (and not to have HAD teeth with birth parents) and to not be able to speak but to be so manipulative- doesn't seem like 'care' at all only indulgence. I felt they were both messed up by care. I just could never see why one would be adored and the other shunned? Is this a common experience in siblings? Not sure if Wren 'knows' she was dealt with differently, but she does believe babies can get away with anything and so i suspect that by 'performing' the regression stuff, she will 'perform' the rule breaking stuff "babies don't know it's bad to rip books? (rip)You can't tell babies off cos they don't know...." Anyone want to comment on how they handled negative stuff once they started down the road of 'babying' for want of a better word- filling in the gaps with bottlefeeding etc? How long did you keep it up? How did effect the one who didn't want/need it?
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aumadgrajac2016
August 16, 2016 09:52
I did the babying with any of the kids (we had 3) that presented like they needed it. I also constantly narrated. I can see you are frustrated that's when maybe you did... We praised and gave positive feedback lots but my children couldn't accept direct praise for a long time so it would be more thank you for eating nicely, thank you for picking that up, your hair looks pretty today but maybe you would let me try to get rid of that knot in the back? Oh have you grown again in your sleep lets measure you. It makes me happy when you...it makes me sad, cross, are you sad, hungry etc. Because so little of the good praise had never gone in we had to go over the top like you do with babies to start to make the changes in their esteem and self worth. It's not easy and can be relentless but it slows and starts to work. I had children who were anxious, sad and their self esteem was in a horrible state. They are happy and much more resilient now with things going in a better direction. We also did lots of the therapeutic books at bedtime, 'No matter what' was my particular favourite
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queencactus
August 16, 2016 18:19
Yeah do all that , all the time. Worked for older. But will keep it up - it can sound so patronising can't it?! Also I've only talked about the positive things I feel "I feel happy when you share etc" Not "You make me sad when" as I felt there was room to twist this , or that it's putting ME on kids who really need to focus on themselves???Or they might use as a power tool....but day 2 is still working, and I'm not tiptoeing I'm being fun mum and busy mum, both of which usually cause rejection/ destruction! I just got "I love this tea Mum" which is about the best. I also got " I really kinda like you a bit." Small steps eh?! Also about sibling placement, yeah totally agree they shouldn't have been put together, right from the start. But they'd pretty much been together all along so I guess it seemed like the thing to do...from a s/w point of view (as so few kids get placed at all, two for price of one kind of thing?) esp as older one wouldn't have been taken singly praps (she's got big facial birthmark)with most adopters going for younger....I guess we felt having got 2nd so much younger there was more rope to play with, .....still think there is but some days like when i wrote this you feel you're going to crack and fail them both....but we did want 2, felt that was the right thing to do. But yeah "can't cope" with being together does ring bells....but they are also best friends too at times, they turn to each other when they get nervous, protect each other even, so about that I am usually more hopeful now. But as genral policy I'd say siblings aren't a good plan- each one needs SO much repairing, and that can hurt the others? But some siblings do well.Maybe more as adults than at the time? I think also i'd struggle to let one go, who needs me most, the one who is making out pretty good or the one really struggling? Very very brave of you Corkwing to accept that it couldn't ever work. How did you cope with that decision, must have been hell for you. I just so need to feel I'm reaching her . I've promised these two so many times I'll never send them away I guess it would shatter both their trust. will look for some books as suggested, tho she 'blocks' books might try some really toddler ones, going back to the baby thing.
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Corkwing
August 16, 2016 20:12
In the end it wasn't that brave. It was as if things became clear. The difficult bit was seeing the truth. We spent so much time caring for Mackerel and meeting his immense needs that the other two didn't really figure and we didn't see how much damage was being done to them. I had life coaching, and the coach helped me to look at it objectively, from the outside, rather than simply responding to all the situations. When I did that, it became quite scarily obvious.
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queencactus
August 29, 2016 12:33
it's now a couple of weeks later and I wanted to thank you all for the comments that saw me through that point of crisis- I guess I feel kind of embarrassed too for getting to that point- I mean nothing I said was untrue but it was sort of condensed. It's also a trait running from when we got here but not daily overall- but it WAS daily if not hourly when i wrote it. When i read what other adopters go through every day/week I feel we aren't so unlucky at all. I mean they are lovely girls and we don't get physical violence or swearing etc, mostly they prefer to be 'in favour'....BUT I have taken on board the whole thing about possible attachment problems. My sister says she thinks wren really is attached, as when she has her she is good but she can see her anxiety levels are up "where's Mum, when she's back, what do you think she is eating?!" More focused on how I am and if I am getting my dinner than playing or doing an activity with Aunty. Concentration and calm etc is hard for her when i'm not there. Her take on it is more the low self-esteem angle as she was 'favoured' and now Rob can gain favour through her skills "ie reading aloud to relatives etc" whereas Wren used to get that through 'performance'. I'd say family and friends are very good at giving girls equal but what Wren 'wants' is not to be equal.... However, just to report we did the noticeable babying thing but when I replaced bedtime story when it was my night to do it with the lullabye, she waited til I was gone then threw herself out of bed and (not getting instant response from me as I was downstairs) started running round the room chucking stuff about. I was firm about that , as I feel she was acting "getting away with anything cos i'm a baby" told her get back in bed and she 'cried' herself to sleep (10 mins) but in that fake crying way with real tears I guess many on hear know about. Protest rather than upset? She does hear other babies having to cry and be left a couple of minutes to fall asleep for nap and no-one concerned, so i didn't feel this was leaving her 'unhappy', it felt like part of the 'game'/ manipulation/ experiment? So next day I said I wouldn't do baby games at bedtime as games at bedtime always make trouble, but if she and dad wanted to to swap story for song in the morning before work that was fine. She took this on board and he kept it up and the day was really good, but that evening she stood by the loo and weed all over the floor. She's never wet herself and w as giving me that look of intense ? agression maybe? that I know so well. I used to think it was hate but that's not it. I tried to keep in mind the regression thing and gritted my teeth and said only "well now you'll be smelly!" and nothing else and carried on with bedtime. Next day she told dad she didn't want to be a baby anymore. So we went back to treating her roughly her age, and she was much happier, kinder, and singing all day , enjoying days out and so on, no trouble expect the very minor 'normal' grumps. So, since then marked improvement. I feel it's a lot to do with it being holidays now I think about it. I didn't feel certain she was ready for school ( 4 and a quarter)but she started when we'd left older one as long as we could (5.5yrs, )so that neither would feel the other was 'getting me' over the other being 'sent away'. I wish I'd done differently for wren now, but I don't think Robin could have gone if I hadn't done the 'equal' thing - maybe she's ready now. I felt under pressure to get them into school, and Robin does really well as I said above, but Wren is not doing well. Not too badly but She shows off and can't learn very fast (because she's worried / separated from me maybe on top of just being a slower learner?) I feel the time left after school is best spent in colouring together as we always do and quiet bonding stuff like that not trying to ''teach' her, heaping on more pressure. But maybe it being the holidays has let all the stress out and she's paying me back for sending her off , or just showing that it's really hard? Like so many I've now read, being Mum seems to mean you get the worst and always feel you are the one at fault! But my sister and even my dad ( not the most kid-friendly guy) said this week "hasn't she come on since end of term?" meaning her conversations are to the point and not flitting off in weird leaps, and following instructions or explaining stuff. I feel wiser for all this.....still worried about her outcome, but more able to stand back for a minute (calm down?) and see round it. I also see that Robin actively tries to block Wrens steps forward, so when she does step out , we have to work hard to show Rob we don't want her trying to keep her little. i don't think this is a serious long term thing as it's about all Rob has left in terms of the really negative stuff she was given to us with, but of course it is serious for Wren and maybe we've been a bit lenient with it from time to time as Wren was so cruel to Rob and really got away with it, we didn't always check a mild verbal put-down. We're now treating it as bad as a pinch or something, and keep pointing out that at that age (not quite true) Robin couldn't write proper words/ do the big slide or whatever....which is making Robin tetchy and braggy but we feel it's crucial that Robin's own self esteem is no way founded on being better than little sis, that that can't be the measure of it at all. It doesn't seem important to her to be better than her friends, which she is in say, reading. So working on that now too. I just want to add (tho happy to have further replies and advice anytime!) that I read so much from amazing parents on here. Not just this thread but dozen and dozens of inspiring people who are 200% committed, and it seems to me, often spend their entire parenthood beating themselves up over not doing their best / finding the solution to make their kids happy and 'normal' and so on....birth kids, even those with some difficulties, are a synch compared to adoption! You're amazing people doing an almost impossible job, and thanks so much for finding the time to read this and offer support to me.
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SwindonMum
September 15, 2016 22:45
Hi, I don't have much experience with adopted children (ours arrives next week - exciting and scary!) but you sound like an amazing Mum and what you have written has been an inspiration to me. I hope things get a bit better for you and the girls because you certainly deserve it after all the effort you have put in.
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queencactus
September 16, 2016 12:29
Very best of luck swindonMum and thanks SO much for your comment. Just be prepared to be hurt and totally exhausted! But you get some amazing moments and they really mean, often, so much more than with BC as you know they were so less likely, given history. And yes things have got better, if you discount some regression that's really hard to deal with!It feels like every time her confidence goes up (hooray) all of a sudden that means rules don't aply to her. She's in one of three positions all the time low -self esteem and punishing (herself and me) , happy and calm (perhaps a week at a time ?) or feeling BIG and over-stepping ( I can tie my shoelaces that means I can turn the cooker on just cos I feel like it!) Which again sounds extreme but it seems like if I let my guard down and just roll with the good weeks all of a sudden we're in one of the others. It's really really different being an adoptive mum, I can't say that enough. But when one says to a schoolfriend "there's my mum, she's the BEST!" well. And don't go on anything the s/w tell you, hardly any of it turned out to be true, I mean they're not lying but they don't know the kids really. Be with them all you can, all day as much as you can. Hold back on school or even home-ed. Wish i'd done that now. Make them feel you don't want them out of your sight cos you love them not cos you can't be sure what they'll do (!) make routines that are your own and not put on you- ie if they need bed at 6 do it at 6 even if no other kids (but mine!!) are going up then. if it takes an hour of stories do that. If it takes 20 minutes to feel ready to put shoes on, build that in. Don't let others say "he needs to be in school" not even professionals, after just a few months you'll really know . My dilemma was to send both at once, either choice wouldn't have been right, but I guess I feel now keeping them by you, is the MOST important bit. If we can't get the bond we can't repair.....still amazes me rob got it, it's like she was just really ready for a real parent, Wren didn't 'get' it, she's still confused even 2 yrs later. Go by the clock- even tho they may be too young to tell time, if food/bed is on time every day they feel better for it, safer, but build in fun stuff,even just 15 mins colouring all together, or crafts, same time every day, limit Tv - they'll almost certainly have had too much of that- do stuff that needs talking/ eye contact instead. be in charge, allow minor choices, but prove to them you have total confidence. "I know what 's best because I'm your Mum" that kind of thing. use propoganda - they've heard so much negative stuff about themselves, "I shouted because I thought my best boy was going to run in the road. I'd hate him to be hurt." I've never managed narrating, some people are great at that, but I do say why i did something if it didn't come across right, like yelling. But I never let up on 'knowing what's best' that got into Robin early on, she even says to gran "i didn't know what to do when x happened, but I 'll ask Mum, then next time I'll know"!! So yes things have improved. I think when things feel they're scaling out of control, how to step back is the big one. I'm so involved. But as others have said , giving them to gran isn't always helpful cos they'll be great for her, and then worse again for Mum cos they were sent off/seperated, and gran saying "you worry too much, you need to get out more...they're such good kids." Oh yes, they ARE but they've got real problems...it would be stupid of us to pretend that because they're angels in school or something that there's no real problem. And bear in mind what ever you do it probably won't ever be enough. i can't really accept that bit myself. I try SOOOooo hard. But if you are reading all these posts on here you'll know that already. the violence and sad endings so many have had, none I bet for want of trying. This is going to be the hardest year of your life, but your kids are going to be really really lucky. Hope you are too, tell us all about it we all crave hearing the success stories too! Happy happy days to you.
Edited 17/02/2021
safia
September 16, 2016 12:42
What a great post! Sounds like you've thought things through thoroughly and have worked out exactly what needs to be done! You should lead a training session - or be mentoring other adopters!
Edited 17/02/2021
queencactus
September 16, 2016 20:05
Wow! That is a compliment, thank you! But hardly right, i mean that's where I started from and i do all that but I still get to find something disgusting on the sofa....and have huge moments like the day I started this when I didn't know where to turn. And everyone put in some ideas /support and I calmed down, but it isn't solved.....just calmer. I get to my limit somedays and my parents think I'm going to have a mental brakedown....so I'm really not someone with the answers, only the ideas how to start,!!.....not maybe how to keep going after 2 years and your youngest would still rather swap you for the butchers wife! Or the receptionist, or the bus driver.... but i read on here someone said "just how do you get toothpaste in your bellybutton?", in the end,we can try to laugh it's better all round....the best thing wren said was recently, "its a hundred years since you were a kid isn't it. I hope youre not going to get crinkly soon, cos i really like you smooth how you is." If I can't get I love you, I'll settle for that.
Edited 17/02/2021
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