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Hello Malk I am sorry to read your post. Infertility is a life changing, devestating thing to happen to us. We underwent IVF (which was unsuccessful), and knew that adoption was the only route if we wanted to be parents. I come from (what was in my childhood), a big, happy family and I so wanted to reproduce that. I suppose we went into adoption very green, we were mid thirties and thought we could fix anything. We were 35 when we applied and 37 when we took our first daughter home - a 6 month old girl - no issues, and she has been great, been to uni and she is truly ours. At 41 we were offered another baby girl, who has been entirely different, from a troubled genetic background and she has given us many worries and stress. She is now 19, she had to be a section 20 child for 3 years. She nows lives in a council fLAT AND WE SEE HER OFTEN. sHE IS DOING O.K, BUT IS VERY HARD WORK, AND MY LIFE SOMETIMES REVOLVES AROUND HER NEEDS. I often wondered how I would bond with a child that was not biologically ours, but we did. Our ad's have never been interested in finding their biological family (as yet anyway), we will deal with that when and if it occurs. We have close relationships with them both, they don't have a relationship with each other as close as we would like, they dont have anything in common (apart from both being adopted). I think you need time to gieve and if the next step for you does not work, take time out to consider what step to take next. Take a holiday and enjoy each other. I do hope it all works out for you. Best wishes Janie2

Thank you Janie. I really appreciate your comments. Very comforting.

Hi Malk, Infertility is one of the hardest things to deal with and to be honest, all choices after accepting you cannot have birth children are essentially second options. In terms of IVF attempts we were heading towards double figures. It is impossible for anyone who has been able to have birth children to understand how this affects you both as individuals and as a couple. It is devasting when you are first told it is unlikely to happen or when you decide to stop endless rounds of IVF for the sake of your sanity. Since calling time on the whole process we have considered fostering, adoption, surrogacy and remaining childless. The problem is we have an overwhelming desire to be parents. We were approved as adopters earlier this year - but when our agency made a huge cock up over a link we decided to take a step back and have a rethink. Once again the cat is amongst the pigeons as we wrangle with the various issues of parenting a non-biological child. I think propsective adopters hope that theirs will be the adoption success story but as you will have read, many amazing families travel along a very rocky road for months, if not years at a stretch. They have to fight for resources, they are failed or misunderstood by so called professionals. Genetic factors can and do play a huge part and there are so many uncertainties... I can't say 'yes, you should absolutely do it' as it's such a personal decision but what I would suggest is attend an information evening on adoption, either with your local authority or a voluntary agency, which doesn't commit you to anything but gives you a feel for the process and possibly an idea of the children seeking adoptive parents. I would say there is a bit of a gloss put on things but as you've discovered this forum you'll already have a handle on things. And you have been offfered IUI, which means there is still some hope for a biological child.

Hi Malk, I can't really help with the infertility grief as I came to adoption after having birth children. I can tell you Bout the bonding, from my experience, having done it "both ways" if you like. I am one of those people that didn't bond all that easily with my birth babies either. I got post natal depression, I didn't really know what to do, and to be frank I didn't really enjoy the early baby stage all that much. You will often read the advice "fake it till you make it" on here, that's what I did with my birth children as well. And the bonding took several months, but it did happen. So in my case it wasn't the birth hormones or the genetic link or the "blank slate tiny baby" that made me love them, it was the day in and day out looking after them, having to be with them ALL THE FREAKING TIME, and slowly discovering their little personalities and getting to know them so very deeply - then came the love. So in that sense, it was exactly the same with our adopted child. Easier in some ways (slept through the night!) harder in others (had his own habits from foster carers!) a LOT of people get a massive rush of love and boost from all that lovely oxytocin after giving birth, but it's worth remembering it doesn't always happen. The other thing is the issues and risk factors that adopted children may have. Now, this is a biggie. If you do go on to adopt you will hear many times that the children that need families are older, or sibling groups, or have special medical or learning needs. Very young babies with no known issues do exist, but they may or may not be available to you. And of course, very young babies will still most likely have come from a "more risky" family background if you like. To me, and this is just me, when you have a birth child you accept that he or she may not be healthy, may develop mental health issues or autism etc. you hope they won't, but they might. In my mind its the same with adoption, but the odds are much more skewed towards having issues So that is something to explore and read up on, and decide what you are comfortable with and what you are not. But there are no guarantees. In our case, our adopted child has special needs , diagnosed at birth. We knew about them, and were comfortable accepting them. One of our birth children has autism. It's mild, but we did not expect it, and we personally found it harder to accept than our adopted son's special needs. I think you are wise to look into adoption and explore and educate yourself, you will have time to make the best decision you can make for yourselves then. And I wish you luck with your IUI.

I meant to say our adopted son moved in with us 5 years ago.

His. I think you need to absolutely accept that you are going to an adoptive parent and not expect it to just be another way of creating a family. If you still yearn for a biological child like log pile has outlined I think it can be problematic. Counselling might help. It would look at why having a child is so important to you, what you expect from a child, how you feel about not being able to have a child etc. Worth considering

Many years ago I went to an infertility conference and heard someone speak who had adopted. What she said surprised me at the time and is the only thing I can remember her saying: that adoption is not a cure for infertility. I didn't fully appreciate her meaning then as I was still hoping IVF would be successful. But IMO you simply can't just leap from one to the other. Or maybe some people can - but I certainly couldn't. Not being able to have my own birth child was the most devastating experience of my life and I needed time to grieve a loss I found so difficult to believe was mine. I spent two years trying to adjust to the idea of never having my own child, and maybe never even becoming a parent. And eventually came to accept the former but realised I couldn't accept the latter. Luckily my DH supported me and adoption became a clear route forward for us. I didn't think then so much about the possible pitfalls and they didn't put me off when I did, and we have now been adoptive parents for nearly 13 years. It's not like being a birth parent but it is being a parent and we don't regret anything. But personally I would advise continuing the journey you are on until it feels right to stop (or, of course, until you are successful). Keep adoption in mind by all means, but give yourselves time to process any loss and explore what is important to you before starting on the road to adoption. I often read on here of people who have doubts about adopting. But we had absolutely none whatsoever - not in a naive way - we were just convinced it was what we wanted to do and I do believe that has helped us through the tougher times. Best wishes

I agree with Milly. To be honest, I think you are in no place to be even thinking about adoption at the moment. If you are having fertility treatment you should see that through, you may well be successful, but if not then you need to come to terms with that loss before even thinking about whether adoption could be right for you. SWs won't even have a serious conversation with you until at least 6 to 12 months after completion of treatment. Focus on the treatment, if you look into adoption now you will just confuse yourself more. Good luck, hope it works out for you.

Great reply Ditta. I am sorry that you are in such a raw place at the moment Malk. It must be very difficult indeed and I can hear your pain in your post. I do want to present another view though whilst honouring what other people have said and feel. I absolutely do not think that adopting is always a second choice and it does sadden me that so many other people feel that it is. We did it as a first choice of sorts. Ie didn't try very hard to get pregnant, didn't investigate why we weren't getting pregnant and always felt like we wanted to adopt. Everyone is different, every situation is different and every family is different but it sounds like one of your concerns is not being able to bond with a child who is not genetically yours. For my husband he doesn't feel that as a man and I don't feel it as a woman. I mention it because to us without any question it is possible and wonderful loving a child not genetically linked to you. You have a long way to go and no one can tell you how or your future child (if you do adopt) will feel but for us our child being adopted makes absolutely no difference at all to the depth of our feeling and I know many other adopters who feel the same. Sometimes the unknown is hard to understand but don't assume you will find it hard to love a child you adopt. I think perhaps it is harder for adopters who almost try to replace their "lost" birth child though. Maybe just consider at some point in the future adoption might not feel that second choice as it can be so so wonderful. That is not because it is perfect but because regardless of the issues, many of us feel such unconditional love. I, unlike many, did not feel this for some time after our boy came to us. My husband felt it immediately and whilst I can't see that personally I believe other people who say they felt it. You will hear many adopters talk about how amazing it is that their child is just the most perfect fit for their family. Wishing you all the best.

it's not fair to suggest that some people have better reasons for adopting than others. Nothing now can make it first choice for malk or those of us who commented from a background of infertility. We all can take various paths along the way. Coming to terms with infertility offers new paths like adoption, surrogacy, fostering or being childless. You can't go back no but you can make a new choice and it's best if that is done without baggage. Still wanting something else is not ideal but you can work through it.

I totally agree with Flosskirk and Milly. I come from a background of being adopted, a 10 year infertility fight and recent adopter. Malik I really would advise that you explore all options, IUI is just the start of the infertility fight. There is still IVF/ICSI, egg donation/sperm donation, surrogacy etc to consider. I am not saying do them all, just explore them before being able to move onto adoption. Changeisafoot, I do not, and never will, see my son as a "replacement" for my birth children. If you knew my personal story you would know how inappropriate that comment is. My AS is unique, adored but challenging. My mother, who adopted me many moons ago, states openly that if IVF was an option in the 70s she would of explored that route first. I do not find that hurtful, just truthful. I know she loves me without limits, she has devoted her life to me and loves me no less than any birth child she dreamed to have. All opinions are valued changeisafoot. G

No one is suggesting that some people have better reasons for adopting than others. I was trying to give Malk hope that he might not always be in this raw place even if he doesn't have a birth child and that to answer his concern, yes it is absolutely possible to love a child who is not biologically yours. At some point in the future if he adopts he might totally have the capacity to unconditionally love his adopted child. There is hope for him and his wife whatever the future path. I was also trying to be mindful of those who had suffered loss in terms of any biological children they might have had and that this I imagine could makes things harder. Malk, everyone wishes you well and hopes that you are feeling in a better place today. Whatever happens in the future there is hope for you to be parents in whatever capacity that might be. I believe that everyone here is saying that in different ways and trying to support you as best they can from their experience. Take good care of yourself and your wife for now.

I just want to say that we were already considering adoption when we had our one go at IVF (which failed). I had no real faith in the process for my particular issues and Mr Haven hated watching me go through it - the daily injections, the invasiveness. I think sometimes it's okay to be considering your options - for us it was realistic and it certainly wasn't an issue throughout the process of adopting. BUT it took a while after we'd decided not to try IVF again before we finally called our Voluntary Agency. We needed time to grieve, lick our wounds and become really used to the idea that we were going to have a different kind of family. And to take care of ourselves for a bit, rather than focussing on family-making, so that we were in a good place for our adoption adventure. . For us, I have always told my kids that we would help them if they needed to contact their birth parents, and I say to them that it's really important that we also get some input from our VA - at this stage (aged 12 and 7) they quite agree (and don't want contact anyway). It's something that we'll deal with when and if the time comes and I want to try and ensure that we're all in it together. I'm fairly sure that our kids won't reject us in favour of them. But of course - you can't know for certain, and I suppose that's the case with any child, birth or adopted, you can't know what the future holds. . If the time comes (or even maybe for interest), I recommend you read "Approaching Fatherhood: A Guide for Adoptive Dads and Others" - I think it's from BAAF. My husband found it very useful. Take care Haven

The problem sparkle berry with adoption is the child's early trauma which can affect their ability to have relationships with other people especially their primary care giver.

The one thing that I have never had a problem with is loving my adopted children totally as my own. I don't have a birth child so cannot directly compare, but I cannot imagine loving a birth child more than I love my adopted children. I think this is common. Of-course there is a much greater chance of difficulties in adopted children and one of ours is terribly difficult and caused much heartache. I still love him to bits and have never found that hard to do - surprisingly (if you knew what we had been through with him). We are fortunate enough to have several other children who are all doing very well and are very well attached. Problems are not inevitable in adoption, but they are quite common (one in three maybe).

Interesting post, Moo-chin. Just to clarify, it definitely did take time with most of mine to fall in love with them. I suspect it rarely happens instantly in adoption. It did with me but only once, and that was with the child who turned out to be exceptionally difficult, funnily enough. With the others, the process of bonding and falling in love with them took longer, anything from a few days to a year or so. Nobody should feel bad if the feelings take time to come. Fake it until you make it is the standard advice. But they will come, for most of us, or so I believe.

Its true fruitcake I think its good to point out that its okay if that bond is not there immediately. I am naturally really maternal and found it difficult as my natural maternal instinct seemed to decide to have a little holiday in the early days of placement, I did everything I needed to do to be a good mum but it was almost on a primary instinctive level.(having older birth children I did struggle with split loyalty esp during intros when it felt as though I was never home, but that was just our intros were badly planned!) I was lucky that I could talk openly with our SW who just said it is often how people feel and just do what we are doing as our little one was really happy. I think it is an amazing blessing if people bond straight away. I have to say though luckily my maternal feelings cut theirholidayshort and didnt stay away too long and now i have no difference at all in my emotions they are all just mychicks!!!`

Hi, sorry if it's a bit late for a comment, and not sure if this has already been mentioned, but my husband and I tried for a baby for 7 years, I fell pregnant and then miscarried. When we contacted the adoption agency, we couldn't apply till a year after the miscarriage or any fertility treatment. I was devastated, as being in my mid forties, felt the clock was ticking and a year was such a long time. But I think it was right, for me and my husband to get over the miscarriage, and get ourselves ready to go for adoption. We are now going to panel next month, so fingers crossed! Good luck.

Hi, we have 3 BC and always planned to adopt which we did 10 years ago. Our children are now 26, 23, 17 and nearly 16. I am very maternal but I struggled to bond with our AD at first. I was given the advice by these boards to just act and eventually the love will happen naturally which is what I did. It might have been that she was nearly 6 and was a real little person who already had her own personality but I remember looking at her sleeping and thinking she even smelt different, completely weird I know! Thinking back I can't imagine any of my BC having yo move away from their families, live with several other families then pack up again and get another family, no wonder so many AC are so resilient. Do I love her like the others, with every fibre of my being, she is mine just as much as the others. It wasn't instant and it was with my BC but it's the same. We all laugh about the fact that of all of our children she is the one who looks like me the most, this delights her. At this moment in time she doesn't want to think about every meeting her birth family as she thinks they are selfish in her words. She became an auntie last year and this brought lots of issues to the surface about what babies need to have to be cared for and how different her life was compared to her beloved nephew. I have told her in the future if she wants to meet them I will take her and stay with her but I think that is a long way off yet. She has seen pictures of her birth family and knows she has her dads nose and hair which I think is important so she can see who she is like but she is more than happy looking like me at the moment. I think you need to explore every avenue regarding biological children and then decide if adoption is for you. It certainly isn't second best in our house it's equal in fact I have had to take a stand a few times with SS when I think they in my opinion wanted me to put my birth childrens needs as second and that wasn't right either. All my children are unique, different yet similar and I wouldn't swop them for the world. Good luck in your journey x