Edited 17/02/2021
Help about contact with birth family
Samici
February 10, 2018 16:19
Hi , I have been recently matched. I believe the child is a good match. However, the little girl has an half brother (same mum) placed with his dad's grandparents who could not take also her. The brother is allowed to see the mum. Initially it was proposed to me to have direct contact with the brother and I was open to it as it would be good for both children. However, when I read in details the background and the attitude of the mother I was very scared about safety of the child and mine in case she can trace us. On the top of that she didn't want the children to be separated and given in adoption. When I expressed my concerns to sw, I was proposed indirect contact with birth family - but I am still worried . In the contact letter there will be pictures and information that the mum, meeting the brother, might be able to obtain. on the top of that she is very active on FB and has a lot of picture of the girl. I am worried on short and long term. I would like to talk with the child's sw to know more about mum behaves but it is not possible since her work situation is just changed. I hope someone can share information with contact plan, experiencing with birth parents and questions I could ask to help me to be reassured and take the right decision thanks with gratitude S.
Serrakunda
February 10, 2018 16:41
you don't have to provide identifying photos or information in contact letters. If you must include them photos can be taken with hats, in shade, from behind, plenty of ways to disguise them. Again information can be very general, she's learnt to swim, we had a seaside holiday this year , we had a great time building sandcastles and eating ice cream, her favourite is mint choc chip I'm not sure anyone can give you reassurances as such because only you know the history. Contact is a fraught issue, you are right to be cautious. Don't agree to anything you arent happy with. Good luck
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Samici
February 10, 2018 17:04
thanks for your prompt reply. S.
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Heavensent
February 10, 2018 17:14
It very much depends on how big a risk BM is. In the longer term, if this little girl wants to find BM, she will, but what you need to avoid is enabling BM to find you. We are in a very similar situation in that older brother with a different father lives with paternal family. They cut off face to face contact several years ago (much to my daughter's distress) but we still exchange cards and news. BM is low risk, but brother's family know my name and address and could easily pass on - with hindsight that's not how I would like it. They have also popped up as suggested friends on Facebook, which means they have probably looked for me, although I have now changed the name and have always had it locked down. Living with birth family is very different from living in foster care as foster carers would hopefully be more careful with names and addresses. If there is a significant risk, contact in any form (except letterbox via SS) with brother is probably unwise in my opinion.
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fargum
February 10, 2018 17:47
We were in the exact same situation as yourself. We refused direct contact and stuck to letterbox once a year. No pics shared. In the end, all social workers and independent reviewing officer agreed. Itâs ultimately your decision
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Samici
February 10, 2018 18:13
thanks it is really helpful.
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loadsofbubs
February 10, 2018 21:35
they don't have to have looked for you heavensent to come up on people you might know. I've had people on there just becoz i have their phone number and their number is linked to their fb account. spooked me a bit when i found a few people i was surprised to find on this list, but they'd not been looking for me or me them. but we did share contact info for each other.
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Heavensent
February 10, 2018 23:16
Thanks for that loadsofbubs. I do have their phone number as we do have quite a good relationship, but yes I was a bit spooked to find them come up but that makes sense now!
Edited 17/02/2021
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