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My DS 13 prefers to spend time on his own although often playing on XBox with friends. He will watch I player on his own too. He joins us for lunch when home and dinner, although due to ASD conversation is limited. Certainly understand the feeling of being like the outsider at times.

We do see him for a short while at the end of the day as he has a bath then watches something from CBBC on the iPlayer. Recently he also plays a short card game with us. This has to be initiated by him, but by accepting the brief times together other times feel like a bonus.

Regarding the phone. He used to leave it with us at night, but now will listen to music before he goes to sleep, so have allowed this because we have seen he turns it off and leaves it in the same place in his room.

It is difficult when it seems like he wants to spend little time with us any more. The time we were concerned was when he seemed down and avoiding going to school or making contact with friends. We did contact CAHMS at that time as he is already known to them.

Regarding liking you our DS has had difficult times and I think this is because he is at an age where he realizes he is different from friends and wonders about birth family. We had a while when he wanted to know more about birth family and after discussions he was happier realizing why he was not there.

My youngest two are 16 and 18 and I don’t see much of them at home. They’re fed and watered and we have an occasional family film night but other than that they stay in their rooms. We do eat together every night which hasn’t always been the case. Having hubby working from home for the past two years has actually enabled that. Their Wi-Fi does get switched off nightly via my ISP and 16 year old does still have to hand over her devices. As much for her own safety as anything else.

Eldest is 20 and away at uni - he’s a very different person now (much nicer) than he was as a teenager. From 15-18 when he left home was very trying.

I do think our children struggle to separate sensibly from parents and to manage more than one significant relationship at a time. Their template for separating is moving on - from birth family to foster care, from foster care to adoption and they do seem to try and replicate that pattern albeit subconsciously. I’ve had this very conversation with my son. He’s doing a psychology degree so better understands his own behaviour now at 15 - 18.

Is lifestory work an option? My daughter had 9 months of therapeutic lifestory work at around 12. She needed more information but from someone who wasn’t me. I was just there to support.

Is there anything your daughter likes to do that you can join her in? Dinner out works well here now. Cinema. The occasional beach walk with the dogs. Museums, art galleries. What is she interested in?

That's a really good point you are making @Donatella. I hadn't thought about templates for separations.

My childrens' phones go on downtime at 7pm (they are 14 and 15). They are also not allowed to spend more than about 2 hrs on them per day, so from where I sit, you are very lenient @PearTree12. 😊

Don't worry about the row, none of us parent therapeutically at all times. I doubt your daughter suffers from depression, because she would not be able to "switch it off" when she meets others. I second therapeutic life story work.

Sally Donovan has written a book on parenting adoptees during the teen years, which might be helpful in case you have not read it.

"Get out of my life - but first take me and Alex into town" is not adoption-specific, but an amusing read and describes "normal" teenage behaviours.

I think if the Ps4 wasnt in the living room I would barely see my son either!

A lot of what you are describing is standard teenage stuff. My son was unpleasant to live with in his early teens, quite civilised now at 17 but still walks 10 paces ahead of me because it's way too embarrassing being seen out with your mum.

The phone, screen time thing is a difficult one to get right. I think it's hard for those of us who grew up before the internet to get our heads round how much of our kids lives depends on technology, particularly now we are coming out of two years when all of us have depended so much on technology to maintain communication with friends and family and working from home.

I think I was always a bit more lenient with my son over phone time than many but it was always about balance. In his early teens my son played basketball for his school, did athletics on a Sunday morning and went to Woodcraft Folk one evening, Scouts another. His scout group was very active, had a camp most school holidays and lots of activities on Saturdays. So I never minded too much if the odd weekend he was on the phone/PS4 all Saturday and Sunday, as long as homework was done first. The only rules we had was no devices in bedroom, until he was 16, and PS4 went off at dinner time.

Now our main point of contact is dinner - most nights we do sit at the table and eat together.

I try hard to take an interest in what interests him,I have developed an interest in football so we watch matches on TV together. We do go to other sporting events together- tomorrow we are off to out first athletics meeting in two years. I draw the line at Formula 1 though ! He can usually be persuaded out for anything involving food.

Try and find some new, more grown up ways to connect with her as a young woman. It can be hard - I never thought I'd be having in depth conversations about the mathematics of the Premier League, I'm not that interested but he is.

Having said all that, it's a good time to be thinking about life story work. We did have some very challenging times between 11 and 14, therapeutic life story work made a huge difference to us.

PS4 in the living room? I remember when my son was school refusing and the xbox was in the living room having zombies on made me almost suicidal myself! I did learn to be more accepting of the xbox. CAMHS wanted me to take it away completely which I tried and I put many of the games away but it led to a complete (and violent) meltdown. My son used to say it helped him deal with his feeling around bullying (COD etc) and I also realised it was the only social contact he had at that time. He was in the other downstairs room so I could keep an ear open and it all seemed reasonably positive interactions he was having. Regarding the hugging - my daughter also rejected hugging and still does at 26 but at times also asks for a hug so maybe if she doesn't actually ask look out for times when you think it might be acceptable - and ask her if its ok? Or ask for a hug yourself maybe? As others have said a lot is normal teenage behaviour "with knobs on" as they say! I also found giving lifts and taking them somewhere they want to go gives a chance for some very basic interaction. Also meals out - shopping and cinema (if they choose the film) - or somewhere they choose but can bring a friend along too

I may have been generous about the time he spent on it Safia, but I was always really strict about the games. Never gave in to the pressure over GFA, he plays mostly Fifa and FI.

One other useful thing - send her the occasional text, just say I love you, or what would you like for tea. We found it a useful way of making up after a row

Didn’t mean to criticise Serrakunda - ours was in the sitting room when he first got it as we didn’t have another TV - he was on it during the day as not at school - but I always remember that zombie game and how it made me feel - FIFA would’ve been quite different! Agree about texting - that’s the way we used to communicate most of the time even while all in the house - avoids using the wrong tone of voice - and doesn’t require an immediate response

I didnt't see any criticism there Safia

I think the whole area of devices in rooms/ time etc etc is fraught with difficulty and each family has to find a way that works for them

I was more lenient on time for the sake of keeping devices in the living room until I could trust him - which took a long time

I think the whole devices thing is and has to be flexible. With three children devices have had to be in their rooms - 3 of them playing in one room downstairs would have been impossible. I was strict with game age ratings although having said that I’ve found it’s the competitive element of a game which has been harder to manage than the content. FIFA was a nightmare as have been some of the other games which were competitive.

Texting, Alexa work quite well here as well particularly as they get older and wear headphones, AirPods so can’t hear me yelling up the stairs. Plus if your child is demand avoidant it’s a less threatening, less direct way to communicate. FaceTime works well with eldest - I just wish he’d remember that not all adults are nocturnal!

PearTree12 - have you come across NVR? I’ve found it very helpful in parenting my children. I don’t use all of it but things like the baskets, the deferred conversation, reconciliation gestures work well here. It’s a way to maintain parental presence but in a way that allows breathing space. Have that conversation but not when everyone is stressed, upset. Strike when the iron is cold.

Thanks everyone for your really helpful suggestions. I think she is demand avoidant and my natural style is bossy! All of your advice has been really useful at making me step back and seeing how I’m influencing the situation. I do yell upstairs that dinners ready sometimes and it puts her on edge straightaway. Why do I do that??

I’ll look into NVR again. I’d used the principles of it when she was younger and had violent tendencies

I think I am too lenient with phone. She thinks I’m super strict and no one else’s parents are as strict as us. I just need to be a bit more mindful of her reaction when screen time is over and try and minimise the mini meltdown

I’ve been forgetting to do the lovely, caring little touches because it’s all been a bit stressy. Half term is a fresh start 😊

Thanks again everyone

Seeing your reply above I see myself. I was brought up in a very strict household and it has been challenging at times to be more relaxed with a demand avoidant DS. I have learnt to give a warning about 5 minutes before and as he doesn't mind his meal cooling allow him to arrive when ready.

I do still also say at times, why did I do that?

Hope you have a good half term.

I think also when you have a child with additional needs and you’ve had to become their advocate as well as all the other roles you have to take on, it can be difficult to know how and when to step back a bit, particularly if you’re parenting their emotional age. You get so used used to having to manage, to control everything that loosening those strings isn’t easy! I still struggle with my younger two!