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Life after adoption without the children
Rippox2
April 7, 2018 17:48
Hi, My last post was 2 years ago! Today Iâm thinking about how it is for other adoptive parents in the years after the adopted children have moved on. In particular, like me I realise there are others who no longer see or have much involvement with the now adult adopted children. I know I put in 110% to manage a difficult adoption, yet itâs hard having a feeling of underlying grief or weird sense of disbelief that the years spent seem to amount to nothing. I have very limited contact with my 2 estranged adoptive children (now 22 and 18). I feel obliged to send birthday and Christmas cards/money, but unable to deal with attempting to re- build any sort of relationship with them. To summise, the eldest went back to care age 15, when the violence became too much, this led to being a child in care getting support with a home post 18, She has not ever held down a job and is on benifits. The younger son turned severely against me in his teens, briefly lived with my ex husband, then a gf house and now rents a room in a house and I believe is holding his job at McDonalds. I split with my husband a few years ago (the adoptive stress certainly was a big factor), so it really feels that time period of being a family is a surreal memory. Having now moved house and job, I fo feel a sort of closed sadness as a lot of people around me just think I never had children. I know others must be in a similar space to me. Moved on but a sense of sadness lingers. (I forget sometimes the therapeutic benefits of writing feelings, thankyou for this space) x
Haven
April 7, 2018 18:46
I'm so sorry to hear how things are for you, but am impressed that you have come out a survivor. I suspect you did an amazing job of parenting, but there was just too much going on for your kids. For what it's worth - I don't believe that your parenting years amounted to nothing. Where would your younger son be now if he hadn't had parenting input from you? Possibly not in a job or holding down a flat share at all. In her birth home, your AD would probably have been turned out of the house much sooner and goodness only knows what could have happened to her. And I also wanted to say, it may be further into their twenties, But I've read so often that many adult adopted kids do eventually come to realise how valuable you have been to them, no matter how badly things have gone. Your post made me wonder whether there should be some form of support group/forum for people in your position? I'm not sure whether here, or somewhere like the Potato group would be the right place - or how much you would have or want to say - but as you said, writing things down can be so therapeutic. Take care, and honestly, know that you have done an amazing thing xxx
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Bop
April 7, 2018 20:22
We are in a similar position - our last child having flown the nest earlier this year after a challenging decade - all three left prematurely in their teens and DH and I are slowly rebuilding our lives. Its hard - we have some contact with the younger two and today we were supposed to see both of them (separately) but both cancelled - we haven't seen the eldest for several months. The two older ones are making poor choices and the youngest is in a secure unit and has MH issues. We hang on to the fact we did our best....and luckily our marriage has survived. I'd second Haven - Potato is great and your situation is far from unique amongst the adopters there. ((Hugs))
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lilyofthevalley
April 7, 2018 22:50
I have sent you a private message. Lily x
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Rippox2
April 8, 2018 06:38
Thank you, although Iâve not been on here for a while, itâs a real comfort remembering others will understand. I do agree that the parenting years did give them so much of what a child should have parent wise and that a lot has and will stick with them. I know less about whatâs going on with my two (which gives me less to stress about), but I believe stable ish for now with roofs over their head and relative health and not at present in trouble with police. I have let them go and relish the days I have now not living in the midst of fear and upset. I think although Iâve absolved myself of guilt as I really did do all I could, itâs hard not to sometimes feel sad and wonder if I could do more. The children were the damaged ones, yet I think as adoptive parents we often can feel like victims coping with the fall out and not being able to âfixâ everything. Look after yourselves x
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Madrid
April 8, 2018 10:23
I do identify with you and I understand. The best place for you to share and be supported - in privacy - in my view, is the Potato Group. This site is open to the public. Email: ---- EMAIL REDACTED ----
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Pear Tree
April 8, 2018 19:38
We donât have blossom in our lives but thereâs huge loss around that. l often think of her. Partridge we see every few weeks and I try texting him every few days. Thatâs probably the maximum we can manage- which is a bit sad because itâs a very long way from the type of relationship I see in other parents and their 22 yr olds. Someone told me once that no matter what position you are in re adoption, it is about loss and limping. Think thatâs very true.
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lilyofthevalley
April 23, 2018 14:53
Bump
Edited 17/02/2021
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