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If you find you are pregnant
Pear Tree
February 8, 2010 17:03
HiIf you find you are pregnant after adopting- here are some things we did to try and help our AC through. (dont worry- Im not having another one, before mr PT has a heart attack!!!)I hope you find these things helpful and would like other people to add to the list. I know that apart from these boards the support for us was mimimal and it was a hard time to get through and worked out a lot by ourselves!1)make a scrap book with the Ac for the baby "i like playdough, I love Dolphins" etc telling the baby all the things the AC thinks the baby should know, we put a photocopy of the scan picture in there.2) Include the AC as much as possible in the run up to having a baby- get them to listen to your gurgly tummy etc. Child to read/ share a story to bump to "introduce" the voice to the baby- read story over cot when baby is born and the baby will recognize the voice.3) tell them to the point of nausea that you will be looking after them ALL.4) set up one evening a week before the baby comes that the AC can spend with another important adult, outside of home- just for them. Mine go to their grandparents to give them some continuity when all is change at home.5) Get some books to help the children understand about baby coming- there are some good ones on amazon- my children were older so my son had a good one about Tom and the Treehouse i think it was about an adopted boy whose parents had a BC.6) tell SS- post adoption team, Gp (of the child) and school (as appropriate). You are likely to need some extra support. Get the local church group, mothers group, friends to do meals and take washing away and iron uniforms for you. Get lifts organised so the older AC dont miss out on clubs etc.7) Get to visit other mums with babies and practice nappies and feeding mirroring the other mum with dollies and teddies, ask questions about what we should do when baby cries. Mine also thought baby would scream all the time so it was good to dispel this myth. Routines- really clear and stable routines (visual timetable helped a lot) and translating for baby when they do arrive will help the children feel more secure as well as ordering tesco on line for food so they can see what is ordered for each wk and when. Keeping things in like swimming etc helps them feel added security.9) Get the children ready for the smells of baby use baby lotion on them, in the bath for them and buy nappies and wipes. It was important for mine to see what we will do when the baby is smelly as they were very concerned about this (nice smelly plug ins, wipes, scented nappy sacks etc)10) Explain to visitors they MUST SPEAK TO THE AC FIRST or they will be shown the door...Baby wont mind if they are last on the say hello to list but the children will. Cards for congratulations on becoming a big brother or sister, gratefully received.Do you think this is helpful? what would you add? relaxing as a pregnant mum is also vital and I found this very hard as I was poorly and very worried about the AC.... but do try- relaxation tracks on the ipod at bedtime and foot massages helpedPear tree
Stickyjs
April 2, 2010 01:00
Thanks PT - I've personally found this really useful.In addition to a scrap book for baby from AS, we're also doing an intros book - just like we did when AS came to live here, and he will be helping to put it together. He has chosen a teddy for baby which we will use to 'introduce' us, our family and house.I'd also add - do practice runs so things aren't so strange for your children. My son has never stayed over anywhere on his own - just because we've never had the need. So we had a practice at the weekend with him (and us) staying at his grandparents, and we'll have just enough time to fit in another one (but him on his own) before baby's arrival. I'll also be taking MIL to nursery one day to pick him up, as it's only ever been me or daddy. So she'll know where to go, and he won't be so surprised if she turns up without pre-warning from me!People say that you shouldn't tell your kids too early if you are expecting, however, I found that when suffering with bad morning sickness, DS worried about me so much and thought I was really poorly. So we told him when I was just 14weeks, and explained why mummy was being sick. It really helped him, and it's been almost nothing but excitement since then!Try to speak to other people who have adopted, and then had birth children. It's such a weird situation to be in, especially if infertility has been confirmed, and can be very emotionally draining. You're not just thinking about how you'll cope, but how your children will cope (especially given their backgrounds and stories), and you'll be experiencing something that is really hard-going on your body, whilst trying to care for your other children. It's nice to know that you're not the only one it's happened too, that it is an emotional time, and it's OK to worry and be nervous. If anyone wants to pm me then please feel free - I'm still 6 weeks away from having my baby, but I totally understand the feelings and emotions that come with pregnancy after adoption.
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Pear Tree
July 5, 2011 07:38
Bump (pardon the pun!)
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hannah2837
July 5, 2011 11:56
This is the best tip I have ever had for helping children having a new sibling - talk to the baby (loudly) about how amazing their older brother/sister is (by name) whilst pretending that you think the older children are out of ear shot. This can be done with smiles and gurgles so great attention for baby too!I have only ever done this with BC and I know there are so many more issues with adopted children who then have a birth sibling. But I still think that this tip is priceless - has made my BC beam on lots of occassions and we fully intend to use this trick when we adopt too.
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taznmaple
July 8, 2011 10:08
I would add ...- get stuff for the baby early (but not too early) we got the cot about 3 months before Tiny was due and it brought up lots of wobbles and bad memories for the boys. that gave us time to work through those, to show the boys that we had several sets of clean linen for the cot and would keep it clean, Puff helped Maple put the cot together. Just having stuff around helped them to get used to it.- contrary to what others suggested we did not let the boys do anything for Tiny when she was born - our gut instinct (which in retrospect was right for our particular children) was that they needed to see that we could do everything that she needed- pull in any friends/acquaintances who are more pregnant than you - 3 of the boys teachers were pregnant and watching them grow in size before I did meant that a lot of the questions/issues/wobbles were worked out on more neutral ground, before they had to face it within the family- agree with getting people to focus on the children over the baby (and not too much of the "aren't you lucky to be a big sister/brother" either)- my brother and SIL were visiting from abroad when Tiny was born. While I was in hospital (and for a few days afterwards) my parents and they took the children away to somewhere familiar for a treat. Our ACs therefore met the baby and then got to do something they thought was exciting and special with people they trusted for a few days while Maple and I recovered, got home, got feeding established and made sure we'd been to Sainsbury's and had plenty of food. It meant that when the children did come home it was to us already there, I felt I knew roughly what I was doing and was able to give them enough attention- accept help - offers of playdates from people who understand, ironing, washing, cooking ....- fill the freezer - I made a list of everthing that was in it - that way I felt in control and the children knew there would always be something to eat- REST - whenever you can, both before and after- have a plan of how you will keep baby safe if ACs are prone to odd behaviours - a sling has allowed me to keep Tiny close and also have my hands free- be willing to ignore the health visitors' ideas on naps and things if your gut feeling is it won't work - I didn't have the space to spend hours getting Tiny to nap in her cot, she was happy napping in her pram on the school run - it worked for both of us, we did it!
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good things are never easy
July 24, 2011 21:53
HiI hope you dont mind me pm you, but just wondered whether you could give me some advice on adopting then having a bc. We want to adopt 100% and maybe hve a bc or another ac in the future. had some really positive comments and negative, and from reading your story wondered whether you could give me your side.Thanks in advance x
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operationbob
September 4, 2011 22:17
bumped for jazzle
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Pear Tree
December 4, 2011 23:22
Bump (pardon the pun!) for Jazzie
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oogleschnook
October 15, 2012 22:27
bump for Belinda 78
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greyspeckledhen
August 13, 2013 22:07
bump!
Edited 17/02/2021
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