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Oops hit too soon, but really loosing the plot with our BC at moment. Our AC been with us 18 months and on the whole it's all good. But at times I get so mad with our BC. I know they have Ben through a lot too. But they put themselves out to irritate and upset AC.I understand this. It's more coping strategies for me! Any advice on gaining greater patience?

Hi ReggaeI seem to remember we're in a similar situation. BD is 10, AD is 5 and has been with us about 18 months.Our BD is struggling too. We're hoping that recent issues have been as a result of the Adoption Order going through but we have a fear that it's a longer term thing. We never dreamed that she would be affected so much.If you want to chat PM me.MMx

No advice but I sympathise. We are 2 years in & DS 1 has become really jealous about certain things with DS2. DS 1 is moving to new school in September so of course he has that on his plate too but ... He has been down right mean to ds2 Last week I asked what the problem was. Ds1 answered "ds2 is just soooo annoying" said with an awful lot of venom & anger A huge cause of hassle is discipline of ds2. But ds2 is 6 years younger so it's always going to be different - regardless of adoption Discipline I suspect will be a contentious issue now & the future. I know I not much help

HiWonder if there's something to say here about the increased sensitivity of children in situations where they take on others trauma, I've got a feeling it was Kate cairns who wrote on this, but I've heard it on courses too.The transference and counter transference seems like a big mouthful to me.So to be straightforward I call it "leaking trauma"The child who's traumatised leaksThe child who isn't picks up this trauma and it triggers their trauma reactions so typically you see their most challenging difficult behaviours in response.I do think that bc struggle quite a lot with the whirl of trauma leaking and find themselves behaving poorly and getting angrier and no apparent reason apart from some uninformed people saying its jealousy.....So perhaps, giving them some treats and time out of the mix with respite so you get 1:1 time or mentoring might be a way of dealing with the underlying wobbles. Building them up and encouraging their skills when you've got another one home is no easy task but my ac went to my parents for tea on a Friday and it give me and mr pt a couple of hours bathing and putting our bc to bed together. It's been a short but meaningful blessing. Post adoption services vary greatly but counselling support for siblings is offered in a theraplay kind of way for some.I realise that this might not be for every family but a cat made a big happy difference here for a nice cuddle with a cat I'd hugely therapeutic for all of us.One more thing, if you are having a good go at therapeutic reparenting it can feel a mismatch with normal range parenting and so I've found the smart but scattered book very helpful indeed. It's based on your 'every child' but is especially helpful for traumatised ones but also good for bc.It helps you scaffold towards success. I like it.With littler ones, the margot Sunderland what every parent needs to know is best as it sets out good enough start kids and when children had too much of what they don't need and not enough of what they do. I like that too.All the best, be encouraged. You are juggling so much and to think about on top of the adoptee- They say things really change at the 3 yr mark. You feel you know the child by then I suppose and then you start to make decisions and choices all over the place and at 18 mths you are probably already getting a firm sense of that,Ok, right, shutting up now!All the best

Hi thereWe have a bit of the same issue; but when I look at my friends with more than one birth child I see a lot of meanness between older and younger siblings. When I look at my nephews and nieces I see it too. So although I appreciate it can be a huge problem, it might also have existed between birth children.I sometimes find myself comparing our situation to an 'ideal' - but often that ideal would never have been reality anyway.Sibling jealousy and rivalry has been prevalent through out the ages.I don't mean to dismiss your concerns, or how trying and challenging this is for you right now; but to remind us all that people with just birth children often pull their hair out in frustration at how mean and nasty one child can be to another without the influence of adoption.Maybe it is as a result of the adoption, but maybe part of it is just because they are an older sibling, with the frustrations of having a younger sibling.I hope it gets easier for you.Brimble x