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white christmas February 16, 2019 21:04

Last week our AD's mental health deteriorated to the point where she was intending to sleep on the streets by choice, engage in self destructive behaviours and did not care about any risks. I tried to get a crisis team to help and assess her mental state but they were too busy with other clients and police could not act until she went missing which of course could have been too late. As she ran away from me to catch a bus into oblivion, she shouted that I was her fake mum. I know she was ill but somehow that thought is lodged in her brain now she has rediscovered her dangerous birth mum. Anyway, I reported her missing and police found her but did not tell me because I am not her next of kin, her partner is. I had to ring the crisis team at four and five in the morning to discover that she had been sectioned again, which was a relief. Since then she has been placed on an intensive care psychiatric ward. During this painful process I have had to explain a few times that I am her mum and at one point birth mum was given details about our AD being transferred to another hospital as staff thought that she was me. I am unable to stop BM visiting her as AD is 21 and therefore not deemed to be unsafe and able to make her own choices as an adult. Of course AD is too ill to realise that BM is a psychological threat. Last time AD was sectioned BM took cannabis to the ward and tried to get AD off section before time by explaining how to beat the system. Our AD has roller coaster feelings towards her, and I understand the natural pull but each time they reconnect our AD deteriorates mentally and physically. Don't really expect advice on this one, just venting and feeling frustrated and pretty helpless. At least our AD is safer than on the streets at present. Unfortunately she is not able to mother her three month yr old and obviously this has added to her mental strain that led to being sectioned. The legacy of trauma seems to be mother issues that are insurmountable.

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clr1 February 16, 2019 21:40

Your AD is so fortunate to have you. Your commitment and strength sounds amazing. Take care of yourself. xx

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Haven February 16, 2019 21:56

White Christmas, you are dealing with so much just now, it must absolutely exhausting, physically and mentally. Your AD being ill, which must terrifying for you both, her being in touch with her BM, BM trying to lead her in a dangerous direction. Where is your ganddaughter? Are you able to help with her care? I just wanted to send support and hugs (((((0))))). As clr1 says, you have such strength in you. Take care of yourself as best you can. I do hope that things can settle down in time. xxx

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Pear Tree February 16, 2019 23:56

Hi. Just wanted to say we can relate to your explanation above, I would quite like the title FAKE MUM. It includes mum. I would counsel you to avoid making yourself the enemy re BM and the MH system. It just gives dd another stick to beat you with. I hope baby is doing alright. Itâs so sad watching our children throw everything good away. But I do think they somehow feel most at home in the darkest worst environments and metal circumstances.

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Johanna February 17, 2019 11:05

Hugs coming your way. The bm of our girls (now both young women) still disrupts their lives. She lives nearby. It hurts them and it hurts us. We have had lots of talks with them about protecting themselves from manipulation. It is a lot to handle. Oldest was almost 8 when removed from bm. It had a huge impact on her. I hope baby has a good future. You are a loving mum and this situation is very complex and hurtful. I know how hard it all is. Is there anyone supporting you? I found telephone counselling through doctors referral to be useful to me recently. So sad that your girl has got so much pain to deal with and that she is lashing out at you. The only positive is that the MH services have a duty of care to her as well. Try to do something nice for yourself each day. In my thoughts Johanna xx

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mayan49 February 18, 2019 17:12

Can really empathise with your concern for your AD and the pull to bm and the detrimental impact - having dealt with direct contact with bm and bfamily from the outset we thought we had finally gotten to some equilibrium with adulthood and independence but the psychological and emotional impact of the trauma and chaos that continues within the bf has been hugely damaging for our AD in so many areas of her life. Maintaining any kind of relationship has been challenging as she has struggled to hold two families in mind and in clinging to her highly dysfunctional bfamily has rejected and been very angry with me particularly but we managed to celebrate her actual 30th birthday together in a low key way last week. She visited bfamily the weekend before. It is hard emotionally and takes a huge toll on both my dh and I but we try and keep communicating even if it just a short text whilst she works through this. She is beginning to have insight into how the contact is impacting on her and does self limit and consider safety more now but it has taken a long time to get to this (along with going missing etc). Any support you can find for yourself can be crucial to keeping you going through a very stressful and painful time. She must be so conflicted about becoming a mum given her experiences and post birth hormones canât be helping her fragile mental health right now - hope she can get the right support too. Thinking of you all Mx

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white christmas February 23, 2019 17:11

Thank you all for your kind posts and support. Your thoughts and experiences do help me. AD is improving so has been transferred to an acute ward rather than intensive care. BM has not visited since her visit over a week ago. She has rung the ward on numerous occasions but AD will not continue the call if BM sounds unwell ( BM is bipolar). Baby is ok with AD's partner, not an ideal situation but not dire. I have started attending carer's meetings for mental health issues. It is hard to go from a hospital visit to a carer's meeting so feeling exhausted but the meeting was quite helpful and good to be in a room with people who understand up to a point. No one really gets the extra layer of adoption issues. Also had a one to one support meeting with a nurse trained in mental health to help with setting boundaries in a carer's role. She seems very good but the hour was swallowed up by splurging out our complex situation...she looked tired out by the end! Anyway, trying to keep carrying on and trying not to think ahead or have any expectations. Going to the opera/ ballet tonight. Husband can't go as he has a bad back, partly due to stress but I aim to escape for a couple of hours into the music. Best wishes to all x

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chocoholic February 23, 2019 17:17

White Christmas - enjoy your evening. Self-care is so important, so relish that moment. Thinking of you all x

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white christmas March 12, 2019 12:21

AD currently on an acute ward with psychosis but saying she is feeling safe, positive and well looked after. We thought at least that she is calm and safe however we have just had news that AD's BM has passed away. We are all at sea as to how to deal with this. We will be taking advice and talking with the ward doctor but I really don't know how this is going to pan out over time. AD will have to be told and probably sooner than later, whilst she is in hospital and being monitored at least but it really is th swordtail possible thing. AD's admission was due at least in part to the complex traumatic relationship with BM and her delusions centre around her already. I am at a loss again. Life is really unknowable and this has blindsided me again.

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white christmas March 12, 2019 12:22

It should read, the worst possible thing..

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safia March 12, 2019 13:13

What really awful news and couldn't have come at a worse time. Does she have therapeutic input on the ward - or can they access it for her - it is an emergency situation so I feel they should be able to. I think you need to talk through with her consultant how best to approach this and who should tell her but that a suitable strong support net should be in place before this is done. I also think you should be involved as much as possible. One positive thing I remember is that I think you mentioned she had been distancing herself from BM in some way and was beginning to realise how toxic the relationship is for her - on the other hand this may bring on a lot of feelings of guilt for her. Another aspect is how BM died and the impact this may have on her. I really feel for you at this very sad and difficult time

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Bop March 12, 2019 13:52

((Hugs)) and prayers That is really tough - do work with her medical team to plan the best way to tell her and support her through this - if done well, it might be a good thing in the longer term Do remember to look after yourself too xx

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Johanna March 12, 2019 14:19

Am so sorry that you are now having to deal with this. As others have said, take advice from the medical team. All the very best to you and your family. Thinking of you. Johanna

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chocoholic March 12, 2019 16:53

Oh White Christmas, I am so sorry to hear this. The losses just keep coming and our kids just keep reeling... and so do we. Sending love and prayers for strength, wisdom and that ever-needed endurance for all of you x

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white christmas March 12, 2019 18:35

I felt under a lot of pressure today during a meeting with doctor, consultant and three other professionals. They were pushing that AD should be told immediately as her human right and to avoid being aware through media by accident. I understand this but she is not accessing Facebook on the ward and we were having a relatively happy visit with AD's partner and baby late this afternoon. I did not feel that I could dump the news on her then leave when visiting was over. No one in the room seemed to get the difficulties of her history with BM and how toxic and entangled it has been in every behaviour pattern for at least 16 years and the potential fallout. I know I cannot avoid that but her post adoption support worker and a mental health charity worker want to support partner to tell her on Thursday. They have been involved with her care for the past few years and know her and her issues well. Partner did not want to tell her today either and so we left it as it is for now. It will be heartbreaking whenever we give her the news but we will have to live with her, not the medical staff. I understand that they need to put in place more careers and monitor her more closely so would be unprepared if she did find out by accident so it is risky. I hope that this does not backfire as we are trying to do our best.

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safia March 12, 2019 19:41

Sounds like a good plan and Thursdays only a day away - hope it all goes as well as it can - whatever happens it sounds like she has a good support network in place

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Milly March 12, 2019 20:34

Sorry to hear you have this to deal with on top of everything else. Hope it goes as well as it can. I do think her right to know asap is important but totally understand your concerns.

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Callie March 14, 2019 13:30

Thinking of you all today x

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Johanna March 14, 2019 13:38

Also thinking of you Johanna xx

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white christmas March 14, 2019 17:25

Thank you all. Unfortunately, a person connected to birth mum managed to text our AD late on Tuesday, before we could all break the news to her. There is no easy way but I didn't know that anyone had access to her new phone number except AD's partner. AD was distraught and highly confused and conflicted, immediately blaming herself for her death. Since then she has been calmer but low and having strange thoughts. Today when I visited she was showing her belly as a protest against her birth mum dying, connecting her belly with birth. Atleast she was now blaming the authorities for not saving her life. We do not know why BM died, apart from the general 'died in her sleep' aged 36. She is getting lots of one to one chats and some activities like art. we are hoping that she does not put in for early discharge as she needs round the clock care at present, which I don't think that either partner or ourselves can provide. At present AD is talking about arranging the funeral and becoming the carer for half siblings aged 5 and 10.... totally unrealistic. They have a father, not connected to AD,who will be making arrangements and presumably parenting the children. Anyway, AD obviously needs time to recover from the immediate shock and will need therapeutic support long term, which she has been crying out for for years but yet never seems to be able to access effectively. ..a long story. We are hanging in there and visiting everyday to provide comfort. It will be another long, hard road for us all.

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